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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have got the hump because DH called my handmade Christmas garland 'that awful thing'

127 replies

Fivepigeons · 03/12/2023 20:08

I should just say I'm 8 months pregnant and my dad died this time last year so it's possible I'm not the most emotionally level person right now but...
I am now very angry and hurt and just cannot be fkd.
I feel like I try really hard to make Christmas special and my DH just acts like it's all a joke.
We had planned to put the decorations up this afternoon. So I got the kids dressed up Christmassy and put on the music and DH brought down the tree which me and the kids put up...
I thought he was getting the rest of the decorations so I go to see and he's actually just sat sorting thru a bunch of paperwork in his office... which mildly irritated me but I didn't say anything just asked where the Christmas decoration box was... he said he didn't know.. he'd only seen the one with 'that awful thing you put on the fireplace' in...
He was referring to a handmade garland I made with my grandmother and mother's old Christmas baubles a few years ago.
It's just set me off tbh.
I just feel like he doesn't give a shit sometimes. It's made me really sad.
He thinks the kids shouldn't be lied to about santa. He'd be happy just earing frozen chips or something on Christmas day. Stuff like this... and I kind of resent that he gets to enjoy the fruits of my labour whilst also acting like its all ridiculous.
I'm working a 12 hour night shift on Christmas eve and I've done bags of the kids presents all named in separate bags for him to put in the stockings whilst they are asleep. Because ill be at work so wont be able to do it... i wont get back till 9am. But he just keeps winding me up saying its pointless because the kids know santa isn't real so he doesn't need to go to all that effort.
I feel like just disconnecting from the entire thing... but then my primary aged children won't have as good of a Christmas and you know I doubt my husband would even notice anyway.

Please help me calm down about it and remind me I do these things for the kids and for myself so it doesn't really matter how much of a drainer he is about it.
I just can't stop feeling sad.

OP posts:
Sunflower8848 · 03/12/2023 23:29

Is he stressed about money? Maybe anything associated with Xmas triggers fears and worries about the cost of having another child on the way?

fuchsteufelswild · 04/12/2023 00:27

@2021x If you're unable to accept that Christmas is still an exciting and joyous occasion for your very own children and you risk ruining it because your friend died when you were young, then that's selfish.

He should be able to find a compromise with a partner who is grieving and pregnant

moomoomoo27 · 04/12/2023 00:36

Can we see a picture of the garland before voting?

LaurieStrode · 04/12/2023 01:36

muchalover · 03/12/2023 20:32

This is how he shows you how much he thinks of his 8 month pregnant love of his life who is still working on a very important day to contribute financially.

This is how much he loves you. Consider that. I think you need a conversation because this man is completely taking you for granted and being a fun sponge.

Yep.

It's downhill from here.

coxesorangepippin · 04/12/2023 02:26

But by Christmas eve you'll be almost nine months?!?!

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 04/12/2023 02:43

Play You're a Mean One Mr Grinch, about ten times in a row. Find it on youtube and cast to all his devices.
YW.

Andthereyougo · 04/12/2023 03:31

For a start your husband should realise that the first anniversary of losing your dad is going to be very difficult for you. Add in that you’re 8 months pregnant and he should be doing far more to help. He can think what he likes about Christmas but when you have kids you do a kids Christmas and that includes the stockings, the decorations etc…
I don’t know what the answer is OP, he’s being an arse and I’d have to tell him that. I’m sorry about your dad and I hope his anniversary is as peaceful as it can be for you.

Aria999 · 04/12/2023 04:07

😢 sorry he was unhelpful and rude.

I'm not very into Christmas myself though I do quite like doing the tree. My inner grinch would definitely be triggered if DH wanted to dress the kids up for it though!

He should not have been rude about your garland but if he really hates it with a passion I think it might be ok for him to ask tactfully if it could e.g. be displayed somewhere less central.

Maybe not, if it has huge sentimental value then possibly he should just suck it up and be polite.

ErmWhatever · 04/12/2023 04:47

Slow clap for all the posters who spectacularly missed the op's point by banging on about mat leave and dressing up.

Imagine hiding away in an office, sorting through paperwork while your young children and heavily pregnant wife decorate for xmas?
He can't even pretend to have an ounce of joy for even 10 minutes to bring down the decs and put the star on the top of the tree.
Can't be arsed to positively engage with the people he loves most. A task that would have cost him nothing, and meant a lot to his family. The best he can muster is an insult. What a bloody miserable existence.

worryingalot · 04/12/2023 04:51

Not the point but I would take Christmas Eve off even if it causes some problems because if DH messes it up you’ll be sadder than if you miss a night of work so near your due date. Put your life before your work.
Also I completely can understand your DH attitude with the bereavement - my daughter got very sick at Christmas and later died and I absolutely hate Christmas I’m afraid but I don’t mean to. You know it just becomes more difficult than it should be.

worryingalot · 04/12/2023 04:52

But yeah I kind of went through the motions after it for young DC but I really find it quite hard.
He should appreciate what you’re doing though.

Codlingmoths · 04/12/2023 04:59

I’d tear him a new one for joking he won’t do it. Tell him it’s not funny and if he thinks the idea of making Christmas miserable for his children is a joke and stressing you out while pregnant and at work that after you’ve done all the work he refusss to do this last tiny step for Christmas, then he isn’t invited. He can go somewhere else and you will have Christmas with your kids and enjoy it together. It’s a bit horrible of him.
and for all the people saying cut him slack , just because something happened 30 years ago at Christmas doesn’t mean he should be over it, grief has no time limit, the ops dad died ONE year ago. Where is the slack for her, the support for things like a beautiful family Christmas that would carry her through this grief? Is women’s grief secondary to mens?

H007 · 04/12/2023 18:14

Your DH sounds like a self centred twat.

Original poster
Fivepigeons · 04/12/2023 19:08

I've spoken to him about it. He has apologised. He said he meant 'awful' because its difficult to hang. Which to be fair is true. It takes two people to put up and is delicate so it is stressful to hang it.
He assures me he's going to do the stockings
I'm feeling better today. I think I was just very tired yesterday and let things get to me.

OP posts:
Aria999 · 04/12/2023 19:16

Good update OP, I hope he actually does do the stockings!!

Mummymummy89 · 04/12/2023 19:18

I'm glad he apologised, and even if his excuse about "awful" is far fetched, it shows he sees how hurtful he was to say it in the first place.

I'm sure your kids will love their stockings!

Brefugee · 04/12/2023 19:31

for the pp who think he should indulge his maudlin feelings over christmas: meh. my DHs father died on Christmas eve when he was 17. And we always raise a glass. But it didn't stop him joining in trying to make Christmas special for our DCs and setting up our own traditions etc.

And good update OP. I guess with the situation you're all in (the loss of his friend, your father and the baby on the way) is stressful - be kind to each othern

Missingpop · 04/12/2023 20:11

Your 8 months pregnant & Christmas is 3 weeks away your flying by the seat of your pants lass aren’t you 12 hour shift when your so far along

saffy2 · 04/12/2023 21:14

Our tree goes up the first December normally. I’m one of the last people I know to have put their tree up this year, ours went up Saturday.
we have Christmas music on and nice drinks to put the tree up. And then we watch a Christmas film after usually. We don’t dress up.
but I think it’s utterly ridiculous that people are acting like you’re weird for making putting the tree up something Christmassy…that’s literally what it is 😂 it kicks Christmas off for us. Also I hate having advent calendars out without other Christmas decorations, I think that’s really weird!!
my boyfriend wouldn’t do the tree yet, but I hate it up after Christmas…I would take it down Boxing Day if he let me and did when it was just me. Christmas celebrations for me are before Christmas, after Christmas I like to get back to normal before school etc. so he would have to up until after new year, I allow it now up until New Year’s Day. But only on the proviso it goes up when I want it to. We compromise. And that’s what you’re lacking here.
you’re definitely not weird for putting your tree up on the first weekend in December and you’re definitely not weird for wearing a Christmas jumper to do so. People on mumsnet are weird!!!

Winnipeg23 · 05/12/2023 01:22

He sees it all differently to you.
Some people can't be bothered with all the fuss. You do what u want to do and let him sort his paperwork.
Having resentment seething in you will kill any fun you might have.
You said he's normally nice so think about all the things u like about him and just do what suits u and the kids.
Live and let live.

Morewineplease10 · 05/12/2023 01:52

Loads of people I know have put their trees up already and I have too this year.

Wearing Xmas jumpers to do the tree is no biggie - we didn't but could add to the mood for some.

My ex was churlish and sulky in this way but more subtle about it. It gets you down.

Tell him he's unkind and should be more considering given how pregnant you are and your bereavement.

And in the new year keep an eye on his behaviour as he sounds resentful which is trouble in a marriage.

pineapplesundae · 05/12/2023 02:13

This!

neilyoungismyhero · 05/12/2023 02:22

@UnpalatableButTrue the OP is 8 months pg. I don't blame her for wanting everything organised just so. It doesn't sound like the grinch would do it if baby came early

Rocksonabeach · 05/12/2023 02:43

Fivepigeons · 04/12/2023 19:08

I've spoken to him about it. He has apologised. He said he meant 'awful' because its difficult to hang. Which to be fair is true. It takes two people to put up and is delicate so it is stressful to hang it.
He assures me he's going to do the stockings
I'm feeling better today. I think I was just very tired yesterday and let things get to me.

Good 😊 tell him not to be such a dementor!

by the way my 16 year old has never asked of Santa is real 😂I told her the minute anyone mentions it in this house the stocking isn’t delivered

GlomOfNit · 05/12/2023 07:23

UnpalatableButTrue · 03/12/2023 20:54

I'd be more bothered about working a 12 hour shift at 9 months pregnant.

No, most people don't put decorations up this weekend. Christmas isn't for another 3 weeks! If my husband were trying to get me to be jolly and Christmassy this weekend, I'd be doing my paperwork too.

I'm also surprised that you have already bought all the children's presents and wrapped them and put them in named bags - but maybe some people are better organised than others.

Unhelpful. And this is just one of the snide comments criticising the OP for daring to want to get things started a week or so earlier than you might want to! Hmm

I don't decorate the first week, we usually do it mid-month - but LOADS of people do like to get decorations up at the start of the month and I never thought I'd be the person to defend this, but bloody hell, some of you are using this thread to exercise your Christmas snobbery! Angry Just leave the poor OP be. Lots and lots of people DO decorate in the first week of Dec. Lots of people DO like to make it special by wearing their jumpers, playing music, having a mulled wine while doing so, etc. And there are all sorts of reasons why you might want to, if you spent a few seconds thinking about it. Maybe Christmas is hard this year, because someone close to you died. Maybe you had terrible family Christmases as a child and want to make it different for your own kids. Perhaps you're depressed and trying to jump-start it a bit.

OP, it's true you can't make your DH feel festive if he doesn't want to. But I'd say that if he's totally uninterested in getting involved in order to make it nice for your children, particularly if he can't be arsed to fill their stockings while you're at WORK ffs, he might be a bit of an inconsiderate arse in other ways too. For instance, are there any plans in hand if you have your baby a bit earlier than due date? I had mine a week before Christmas and TBH I don't remember much of that first week - but DH was wonderful. He always cooks the dinner anyway but he did everything else (well, I think I did the stocking filling, being anal about that sort of thing!) and it must have been quite a strain, on top of the sleep deprivation we were both experiencing. Hope things go well with the birth. Flowers

And I'm sorry about the night shift on Christmas Eve - you will be performing an invaluable service for really desperate people, and this time of year can really bring things to the surface, as you know.