To have got the hump because DH called my handmade Christmas garland 'that awful thing'

[Fivepigeons]

I should just say I'm 8 months pregnant and my dad died this time last year so it's possible I'm not the most emotionally level person right now but...
I am now very angry and hurt and just cannot be fkd.
I feel like I try really hard to make Christmas special and my DH just acts like it's all a joke.
We had planned to put the decorations up this afternoon. So I got the kids dressed up Christmassy and put on the music and DH brought down the tree which me and the kids put up...
I thought he was getting the rest of the decorations so I go to see and he's actually just sat sorting thru a bunch of paperwork in his office... which mildly irritated me but I didn't say anything just asked where the Christmas decoration box was... he said he didn't know.. he'd only seen the one with 'that awful thing you put on the fireplace' in...
He was referring to a handmade garland I made with my grandmother and mother's old Christmas baubles a few years ago.
It's just set me off tbh.
I just feel like he doesn't give a shit sometimes. It's made me really sad.
He thinks the kids shouldn't be lied to about santa. He'd be happy just earing frozen chips or something on Christmas day. Stuff like this... and I kind of resent that he gets to enjoy the fruits of my labour whilst also acting like its all ridiculous.
I'm working a 12 hour night shift on Christmas eve and I've done bags of the kids presents all named in separate bags for him to put in the stockings whilst they are asleep. Because ill be at work so wont be able to do it... i wont get back till 9am. But he just keeps winding me up saying its pointless because the kids know santa isn't real so he doesn't need to go to all that effort.
I feel like just disconnecting from the entire thing... but then my primary aged children won't have as good of a Christmas and you know I doubt my husband would even notice anyway.

Please help me calm down about it and remind me I do these things for the kids and for myself so it doesn't really matter how much of a drainer he is about it.
I just can't stop feeling sad.

He's nearly 50 so this was nearly 30 years ago this happened to him. I know he gets a little tense at Christmas. And that's totally understandable.
However I do think that he does owe his primary aged kids a little bit of effort for their sakes.

Maybe he does but the way you’ve phrased that is cold, OP.

I can assure you, grief has no time limit. No expiry date. It doesn’t just ‘go away.’

The sheer horror of watching someone die - a friend or loved one- is not something you just move on from and you can’t begin to understand what it is like until you have experienced an unexpected loss right in front of you. People can’t just pretend things are okay when they’ve watched someone die. It doesn’t work like that. And having Christmas (or any festive holiday) rammed down their throat will not help.

When you talk to your husband, show a bit of empathy and try to be more understanding than you have been here.

I’d be tempted to tell the children that Santa was going to deliver their presents to mummy at work because he thought daddy might eat the mince pies if they were left out at home! Then stuff the stockings yourself and bring them in with you on Christmas morning. He’s either winding you up saying he won’t do it, or he’s going to sabotage things by not doing it - Santa coming to you at work prevents him doing either!

He does owe his primary age children a little effort, maybe not over the tree but definitely the stockings. These simple things are the ones that become tradition. My DS 19 loves to jokingly mutter about why a blimmin satsuma in his stocking, and he will get one this year.

He was being horrid but it sounds like you can sort this out. I don't blame you for being upset though. Good luck with the baby

Nobody has suggested the OP go on mat leave a month before her due date. Some posters have just been surprised she will be working a week before her due date, especially as that is Xmas eve. If it were me I would have started mat leave just before Xmas eve and then used annual leave from the maternity year to get next Xmas off too.

But 8mo pregnant is over a month before she's due. She's only 34w if she's just reached 8mo. By Christmas she could just be 37w. That's really very early to be going on leave unless you have a high risk pregnancy.

People expressed shock before she said she was working till a week before she's due, just about the 8mo part. In any case, going on leave a week before or even the week of your due date is totally common.

I sometimes wonder if there are a higher proportion of non-mums on mumsnet than I assumed.

Three responses of the first half a dozen expressed shock at her working at her gestation. But it's completely common.

Maybe they were thrown by the months rather than the weeks? It's hard to convert from 8mo to 34w without a calculator. Or maybe they have no experience of going on mat leave...?

He's been breathtakingly insensitive and I would hope when he realises what he's said he will apologise profusely. You lost your dad last Christmas and he's insulted something meaningful that reminds you of your family! Twat.

Also this may be rubbish, but you said you resent that he gets to enjoy "the fruits of your labour"... I suspect this is a Freudian slip! You're 8 months pregnant. When I was heavily pregnant I did feel irrationally annoyed at DH for being perfectly comfortable while I was lumbering around like a boiled egg on legs. Being a knob about my attempts to make Christmas happen would be the cherry on a very pissed-off cake.

Is he usually better than this?

My best friend died tragically at 31 at Christmas 13 years ago.

Your body remembers trauma. Every year on December 18th my body remembers. I remember. It never goes away..

I've lost my parents but losing someone young and tragically is different. It hits different. It destabilizes you in a way I don't think you ever recover from.

That's not to say how behaviour is ok.

But if you want to do a big intense Christmas do it because you want to. Not because he should appreciate it.

My best friend's mom hasn't put up a Christmas tree since. I talk to her monthly. These things change you.

OP Idk what's going on in your marriage I don't think there is enough information in your post but I'm not a huge fan of homemade craft - it's not for everyone. Maybe he doesn't genuinely like the wreath - I wouldn't read too much into that alone.

Can we see the wreath please?

I think you can maybe tell him next time you want something to be special family time in advance and say it would mean a lot if he'd join in and get festive with you. If he doesn't do it then that's mean.

You are not being unreasonable, however don’t let his lack of enthusiasm dampen Christmas for you & your kids.
my DH used to be like yours but over the years we’ve worn him down. He stayed off work today to get the tree down & do the lights. He's self employed & previously has found ‘work’ to do.
As for dressing up, my 16 yr old made us all wear Santa hats today while putting up the tree & we had Christmas songs playing. So I don’t think it’s over the top.
enjoy making these memories & your dh will eventually realise the fun he’s missing out on with his family.

Why is everyone so bothered about OPs plan for maternity leave? Completely irrelevant with regards to the post. OP is clearly comfortable with her plan to continue to work up to that point.

I can understand his reluctance to get excited about Christmas, but I do think he needs to sort out the stockings for the sake of the children. It’s not about belief in Santa, it’s about a start to a culturally significant day. My young adult children still enjoy Christmas stockings and I’d bet my house they don’t still believe in Santa.

There’s a big difference between working up until your due date and doing 12 hour night shifts right up until your due date. I went off at 37 weeks, but that was mainly because I wanted a break from getting up at 5:45 and my commute. If I had a home based office type job then I’d have gone at least a week later.

The only 12 hour night shifts I can think of are NHS worker, care home worker or stock replenishment in a supermarket. All of those are physical jobs that I wouldn’t want to be doing at 9 months pregnant!

I'd have to say no, I don't think it is. You both need to find some middle ground here.

I think you need to accept he doesn't feel the same way about Christmas and maybe consider toning it down slightly as a compromise. Some people feel a lot of pressure at Christmas and don't really like it at all, and the more it's forced on them, the less inclined they are to celebrate it. My DH isn't overly keen either but I do like it, so I do my thing and he joins in when it really matters. As for the garland, well he might think it's awful- Christmas stuff is generally absolutely garish stuff we would never display in our homes outside the month of December! The question is do you think he's intentionally trying to wind you up and hurt your feelings because if so it doesn't sound like he's a very nice man at any time of year.

I mean ... and you think he should be over it and all festive? Grief doesn't work that way, as you will sadly live to realise.

YABU to not put this in your OP. It's pretty important context.

You're being compassionate about OP's DH's bereavement 30 years ago. But not compassionate about OP's dad dying a year ago. Why?

Sounds like a typical reaction of some men who can't bear women achieving anything or doing anything nice. If they DO do something nice or good and achieve something great, some men just can't bear to congratulate them or compliment them. Don't want them thinking they're better than men!

I bet it's lovely @Fivepigeons and I am so sorry your husband made you feel like shit! Yeah there may be reasons for his behaviour (because of things that happened in the past,) but that does not give him the right to take it out on you. We've all been through shit, and we all have a story to tell!

She's manning a mental health crisis night hotline. So not physical. (But obviously very worthwhile and sounds like a difficult and skilled job).

I honestly don't know anyone who went off work at 37w unless they had to be admitted for monitoring or labour came that early. I'm glad it worked for you but for many that's a big hit financially unless you've got very good enhanced mat pay.

But yes as someone has mentioned, this is a digression from the thread

I doubt my dh is excited about Xmas as I am. But he has never showed it. He puts effort in because he loves me and the family. When I was unable to do anything for Christmas one year due to emergency surgery on thr 15th December, he stepped into the breach and bought presents, did stocking, the food shop, drove miles to collect my Mum and did Christmas Dinner whilst skilfully pretending that Dmum was in charge.
You need to have serious words. Just because it's not his thing doesn't mean that he gets to ruin your thing.

@betterangels did you read that OP lost her father last Christmas? Before you produced your trite little homily about her living to find out how grief works? Because I have to say it's one of the most tin-eared and cruel things I've ever seen on MN.

Going to get slammed here.. but I think you are being unreasonable

I find people that go overboard at Christmas and expect everyone else too are can behave insenstively. Their focus on Christmas stops them paying attention to other possibly more important things that might be happeneing at the time. Christmas doesn't always bring happy memories up for people.

By all means be upset it could be more to do with the passing of your dad + pregnancy, but I think you have made it clear that Christmas is your thing not his, at actually it is reminding him of a really low point in his life.

Why are you having another child with this man? He sounds an asshole. It’s not him ‘not enjoying Christmas because a friend died 30 years ago’, it’s him leaving everything up to you even though you’re 8 months pregnant