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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have got the hump because DH called my handmade Christmas garland 'that awful thing'

127 replies

Fivepigeons · 03/12/2023 20:08

I should just say I'm 8 months pregnant and my dad died this time last year so it's possible I'm not the most emotionally level person right now but...
I am now very angry and hurt and just cannot be fkd.
I feel like I try really hard to make Christmas special and my DH just acts like it's all a joke.
We had planned to put the decorations up this afternoon. So I got the kids dressed up Christmassy and put on the music and DH brought down the tree which me and the kids put up...
I thought he was getting the rest of the decorations so I go to see and he's actually just sat sorting thru a bunch of paperwork in his office... which mildly irritated me but I didn't say anything just asked where the Christmas decoration box was... he said he didn't know.. he'd only seen the one with 'that awful thing you put on the fireplace' in...
He was referring to a handmade garland I made with my grandmother and mother's old Christmas baubles a few years ago.
It's just set me off tbh.
I just feel like he doesn't give a shit sometimes. It's made me really sad.
He thinks the kids shouldn't be lied to about santa. He'd be happy just earing frozen chips or something on Christmas day. Stuff like this... and I kind of resent that he gets to enjoy the fruits of my labour whilst also acting like its all ridiculous.
I'm working a 12 hour night shift on Christmas eve and I've done bags of the kids presents all named in separate bags for him to put in the stockings whilst they are asleep. Because ill be at work so wont be able to do it... i wont get back till 9am. But he just keeps winding me up saying its pointless because the kids know santa isn't real so he doesn't need to go to all that effort.
I feel like just disconnecting from the entire thing... but then my primary aged children won't have as good of a Christmas and you know I doubt my husband would even notice anyway.

Please help me calm down about it and remind me I do these things for the kids and for myself so it doesn't really matter how much of a drainer he is about it.
I just can't stop feeling sad.

OP posts:
tarheelbaby · 03/12/2023 21:08

I think it's lovely that you are making as much as you can for memories of Christmas. Your DCs will remember this and pass it on to their DCs. Putting them in Christmas jumpers/hats to decorate will make that memorable and special for them.

Everything I did when my DC were little carries on now that they're teens - they have certain bits and pieces that they want to do because of when they were little which is lovely.

It is frustrating when DPs won't engage in these kinds of memory-making activities and in your OP, he doesn't sound especially cheery. I would expect my OH to help with stocking stuffing if I were working a night shift on 24 Dec. Just as, if he were working another time, I would fill in for him as tooth fairy or whatever was important to him. That's what partners do. That's what makes them spouses.

Longdarkcloud · 03/12/2023 21:08

OP go easy on yourself. Well done on having the stockings prepared in advance, I had a Christmas baby so knew I needed to be better organised then usual as there mightn’t have been any “last minute” to shop. Christmas memories are important to the majority of pp who had happy Christmases. Did your DH suffer from disappointment, experience family fights etc and so prefers to suppress his memories?
Tell him he’s a dad and needs to be unselfish and think of his DCs enjoyment rather than his own feelings. How will he feel when his adult kids look back and say “You were a miserable old git, Dad. Mum was great but you were a wet blanket.
Good Luck.
I worked up until 8 days before I was induced.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 03/12/2023 21:08

Whatever traditions you do or want for your dc he has no business mocking any of it...

Snowdogsmitten · 03/12/2023 21:10

@Fivepigeons I feel really sad on your behalf. Your husband is being a shit. And I wholeheartedly disagree with those picking at you for having ‘high expectations’ and being OTT. You’re just trying to make it really wonderful for your little children, one year on from losing your last family member.

And you’re pregnant. And you’re working a very important and undervalued job, on Christmas Eve. Why your husband is going out of his way to upset you I cannot understand.

Fivepigeons · 03/12/2023 21:10

@Spinet
Yes I will. I just had an ott reaction initially. I think he's just tired and grumpy and wasn't considering what he was saying.
Ididn't say anything back because I knew it would be ott and I'd regret it.
I'll tell him it hurt my feelings calmly tomorrow.
Ijust need to let go of expecting perfection out of every planned Christmas event.. I know its coz I'm pregnant and grieving. In the real world the kids are happy and it's magical for them even if it hasn't met my exact expectations.
I'm just struggling to ride out my emotional reactions at the moment

OP posts:
Birch101 · 03/12/2023 21:12

Very hurtful thing to say.
Personally I wouldn't let him get the joy.
If your children are old enough say you'd love to see them opening stockings when you get back from work, and then you give them.
And I personally would just give him some frozen uncooked chips in his stocking 😊

Fivepigeons · 03/12/2023 21:14

@Longdarkcloud

Yes DH had a very tragic Christmas bereavement in his early 20s (a friend died in front of him)
So I do try and factor that in when dealing with his disengagement from Christmas...just finding it hard to do that at the moment because I've got my own stuff going on.
Be nice if we could support one another and pull together... but unfortunately life stuff seems to just be making us both more shot at supporting each other right now

OP posts:
Timeforsnacks · 03/12/2023 21:33

Tell him you feel like he's pissing on your parade and maybe part of your grief will be healed by creating these family moments, the sillier the better.
If you were honest and did Christmas his way would you or the kids be more upset?

LakeTiticaca · 03/12/2023 21:33

He would be wearing the fucker round his neck if he was my hubby and how on earth will you manage a 12 hour night shift? The baby could quite possibly be here by crimbo eve

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2023 21:38

Motherland2624 · 03/12/2023 20:47

You dress up to decorate the tree??? Is that a thing ?

It clearly is for the OP

Is there any harm in it?

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2023 21:39

UnpalatableButTrue · 03/12/2023 20:54

I'd be more bothered about working a 12 hour shift at 9 months pregnant.

No, most people don't put decorations up this weekend. Christmas isn't for another 3 weeks! If my husband were trying to get me to be jolly and Christmassy this weekend, I'd be doing my paperwork too.

I'm also surprised that you have already bought all the children's presents and wrapped them and put them in named bags - but maybe some people are better organised than others.

I've put mine up...

So have my DC.

And there are loads of houses done nearby (one's been up for a fortnight!)

Fivepigeons · 03/12/2023 21:39

If the baby comes early the baby comes early! That's life. Guess my manager will have to find cover!
I doubt it tho as both my other two were inductions due to going overdue

Lots of people work until their due date. Baby is fine, I feel fine. Don't see that there's any reason not to. And honestly I'll be on mat leave next Christmas so it's not so bad working this one.

OP posts:
Caththegreat · 03/12/2023 21:42

He has a right to his opinion
Do you really need to make such a fetishism about one day?

Baffledandalarmed · 03/12/2023 21:45

Fivepigeons · 03/12/2023 21:14

@Longdarkcloud

Yes DH had a very tragic Christmas bereavement in his early 20s (a friend died in front of him)
So I do try and factor that in when dealing with his disengagement from Christmas...just finding it hard to do that at the moment because I've got my own stuff going on.
Be nice if we could support one another and pull together... but unfortunately life stuff seems to just be making us both more shot at supporting each other right now

One of his friends died at Christmas?

TBH I can completely see why he isn’t festive. I wouldn’t either. You don’t get over something like that and I can imagine Christmas is terrible for your DH if they were close (even if they were only ‘friends’ as opposed to close friends it was probably v. traumatic)

It sounds like you and him have v. Different wants and needs for Christmas and something is going to have to give.

Neither of YABU IMO.

You are being reasonable in wanting to make a big deal out of it cos you’re ‘alone’ in the sense of being an orphan (and I am v. Sorry for your loss) and wanting to build new memories.

He’s being reasonable in not wanting to be OTT in celebrating given the death off a friend at Christmas. Having fake happiness (being forced to make memories I.e dressing up to decorate a tree, is what I mean) shoved down your throat just cos it’s Christmas is probably incredibly taxing.

laclochette · 03/12/2023 21:49

Christmas is always a time for me when emotions come to a head. It's such a hard time when you've lost someone close, as it recalls all those memories. I'm so sorry to hear you've lost your dad recently and it is totally understandable if that is making you feel things more intensely and want to capture magic and feel the importance of traditions more keenly.

Could you sit down with your DH and just share your feelings, all of them. Not about the garland too specifically, which I think is a symbolic object here - it's something that literally connects you to your past, to your family members and so on, it represents a weaving together of all those generations and relationships - but about what Christmas means to you, what you want it to mean for you as a family, and why these rituals mean so much to you. It might be a good exercise to sit and try to think this all through on your own, and really understand the root of your feelings.

Once you have gathered them and you can take them to him, I hope he can enter into that emotional space with you. It could be an opportunity to ask him how HE feels about Christmas, how he wants to feel about it, etc.

One of the hardest things about Christmas, I find, is that it's a time when we have a sense of being dictated to by society how we should feel. We should be jolly, feel festive! It's a sort of "off the peg" emotional state that quite often doesn't actually "fit" us properly, depending where we are in our lives. That often prevents us from accessing what we are ACTUALLY feeling in the moment, from checking in with our actual emotions, and from feeling able to express them.

Perhaps then he could find it in himself to do things which might not come naturally to him, or be part of his traditions, for your sake, but you can also do it from a position of understanding his emotional landscape.

DNLove · 03/12/2023 21:50

Honestly Instagram and the strive for the "perfect Christmas" is actually ruining Christmas and many other celebrations for people.
Don't put so much pressure on perfection. It's not all Hallmark and family hugs. Life still has to happen for the next few weeks. The only thing your kids will remember is the tension.
By sounds of it you could be in labour on Christmas day and every plan will go out the window anyway.
I'd guess your so uptight about it that your husband is just stepping back cause he's in trouble either way!
As pregnant as you are, I'd be aiming for the most chilled Christmas and keep the big year for next year for baby's first Christmas!

noooooooo · 03/12/2023 21:52

Och tell Ebenezer Fuck-Face to grow up, he sounds like a silly selfish adolescent boy, doesn’t know how lucky he is. Bit tricky to LTB in your position but maybe think about counselling, say sometime when you’re not heavily pregnant. It’d be positive for him have a chat about not constantly devaluing things that are important to you, it undermines trust and tbh doesn’t sound like he’s much of a partner at the moment.

Good luck with the baby, hope the twelve hour shift/eight months gone bit was a mispront but sadly think maybe not🫣

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/12/2023 21:52

CavalierApproach · 03/12/2023 20:19

You’re eight months pregnant and you’ve been put down for a 12-hour Christmas Eve night shift?!

I know! You poor thing. Please go on mat leave as soon as you can!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/12/2023 21:52

CalistoNoSolo · 03/12/2023 20:20

Oh dear. He's a shit but you probably knew that before getting pregnant again. It's not you, it's not hormones, it's not the time of day/month/year. I think try and make Xmas magical for you and your children and leave him out of it. Then in a few months make a long term plan for your happiness.

I agree

EmmaEmerald · 03/12/2023 21:54

OP "Yes DH had a very tragic Christmas bereavement in his early 20s (a friend died in front of him"

Oh, my. I have to say, I'm still not over the deaths of two friends in my 20s, 22 years later. And he saw it? Jeez. I won't go on about it, but it probably is a tough time and makes Christmas extra shit.

From my perspective, when I was little, dad worked most christmases and we had fun putting up the tree but it wasn't a big deal. Never had a stocking etc

Then as I got older, he stopped working Christmas Day, he fell for the hype and made a big stress of cooking, gifts etc. it was mostly just annoying, him trying to create a magical thing he saw on TV and mum following.

One year I put my foot down about him spending hours faffing over a roast and we had enchiladas from a kit 😂

It's not just that it's not a big deal to your DH, it must bring back awful memories too. The world spinning madly on with Xmas when he must have been deep in shock.

Talk to him but please be kind.

Fivepigeons · 03/12/2023 21:54

I get that. I mean we've been together 11 years. He's nearly 50 so this was nearly 30 years ago this happened to him. I know he gets a little tense at Christmas. And that's totally understandable.
However I do think that he does owe his primary aged kids a little bit of effort for their sakes.
But yeah I am overreacting this year (well I didn't react I just left him be, but it's how I'm feeling) due to personal circumstances.
Faults on both sides really.. I'll talk to him about it tomorrow after I've got some proper sleep.

OP posts:
Mikimoto · 03/12/2023 21:54

I think we need a photo of The Thing!

Thatsridiculous · 03/12/2023 21:56

OP you aren’t being OTT dressing them in their Xmas jumpers to decorate. It’s adding to the magic for them, and also making use of their jumpers! They won’t fit next year.

Our decorations went up on the 1st of December. Earlier than usual for us but we have so much on over the coming weeks. No big deal. It’s December. We went to our village light switch on this weekend - Christmas is in full swing everywhere.

It would nice if your husband could meet you half way. He isn’t in to Xmas but you are. Surely there is a compromise? Especially knowing it’s important to you and how heavily pregnant you are. Plus I bet your kids were super excited - weird he wouldn’t want to be part of that but each to their own I suppose…my dh likes some Xmas traditions but not to the same extent as me. He definitely makes an effort for me and the kids. Mine are older than yours and still get super excited!

And I totally understand you being so organised by now given how pregnant you are!!! People on here can be so judgy sometimes. Making out it’s uncouth to be as into the festivities as you are. Don’t feel a need to explain yourself.

Mummymummy89 · 03/12/2023 21:58

I really don't know anyone who went on mat leave a month before their due date. I'm still baffled why everyone is going on about that. It's not particularly generational either, my mum worked up till the day before I was born, full term...

EmmaEmerald · 03/12/2023 22:02

OP "He's nearly 50 so this was nearly 30 years ago this happened to him."

Sorry to go on but you sound a bit blase. It's 22 years for me, it doesn't get easier. We've watched our friends parents bury their children, for goodness sake.

I'm still in touch with one set of parents but the other set don't really speak to anyone because they haven't "recovered" enough to do more than just exist.

Also, why didn't you put this in your OP?

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