To stop tight inlaws cooking sad Xmas dinner

[Kiwilime]

Inlaws are early 70s, they're pretty wealthy but so TIGHT. At Christmas their priority is booze. The last time we went to theirs for Christmas we stayed for a few days. MIL was banging on for weeks about all the prep she was doing and how she couldn't wait. Told us explicitly not to bring a thing (we did still bring a few bits including a tub of chocolates we never saw again). But they had barely any food in the house. Bottles and bottles of wine and sherry. But nothing to actually eat, and no Christmas treats, except for a bowl of about 4 humbugs (ironically) in the hallway. We basically ate bran flakes and cheese on toast for four days. Xmas Dinner was sparse (no vegetables because MIL doesn't like them) and all value freezer stuff. It was a bit sad tbh. If that's all you can afford then of course that's fine, but if you're rich and having guests over, I don't understand why you'd serve people that? I'm from a much poorer background and if we had guests we'd at least offer them chocolates/biscuits, and make an effort over Christmas dinner. They're also anal about heating and have a very strict schedule and only heat certain rooms - basically being both hungry and freezing cold is not my idea of a nice Christmas.

So I've offered to bring the turkey/meat and even offered to cook dinner this year, and do some veg, but MIL insists on cooking her usual stuff because that's what they've done for 40 odd years. I've offered to do a nice cheeseboard or a dessert, but even that's been declined.

I've had a shit year and don't want an unecessary Dickensian Christmas. AIBU to bring meat, veg etc for Xmas day and just start cooking?

That would be so incredibly rude!!
Either don’t go, or just have your own ‘Christmas day’ on boxing day.

I understand the keeping the peace. If we’d told in laws we weren’t coming because their food was crap etc it would trigger a massive fallout. Not just with them but with wider family.
Luckily we shifted things around so they came to us, which had its own issues but at least there was food and I had a comfy bed.
DH had rose tinted glasses when it comes to his parents so will still tell me how great Xmas was at theirs now.

I’m sorry: I didn’t mean not to make it clear I didn’t disagree. Yes, some people have difficulty asserting themselves and I am fully aware of - and sympathetic to - that. In fact I guess that why I was keen to make the point to all these posters who try to “shame” people who don’t get gobby the whole time. Yes, it’s important women stick up for themselves but do it when it matters and don’t mock those who don’t do it over every little issue . We don’t all need to be in a constant state of outrage; it isn’t anything to be proud of and frankly reminds me of toddlers in their big girl pull ups. Some don’t do it because they struggle and some don’t do it because actually they can see sometimes it really doesn’t require it and only generates friction . If it matters to them to be assertive over everything then they should carry on but all this “ffs, kick up you loser” attitude is unwarranted. And no, I don’t have assertiveness issues myself ( and I’m surprised you felt you do actually, but I extend my sympathies if you do) and feel fully confident that when it really matters I will speak up but I DO out of self restraint try to respect my in-laws ways of doing things, for example. One poster has said about “ taking control.” Why is that necessary in a social situation?

I think I would actually like this as every other Christmas of my life has been an episode of either force feeding or self stuffing!
I wouldn't put up with the cold though I can obviously understand only heating the rooms you actually use.

Your plans for cheese board snacks etc and some prepped dishes sound good. We had Christmas at my in laws once or twice but it was similar to what you describe. I remember arriving one Christmas eve mid afternoon and wondering as the evening went on why there were no signs of meal prep going on. At my parents house, the wine got cracked open early, radio on and lots of people in the kitchen bustling around making their own speciality, late dinner followed by midnight mass. When I mentioned to DH "do they eat really late on Xmas Eve?" He seemed surprised and said "oh no they've already eaten." I think we had to fend for ourselves with something basic rustled up form the back of the cupboards - beans on toast or a fried egg. I remember being so so annoyed and thinking I could be celebrating with my own extended family instead of it being like a very boring ordinary evening. They had zero Christmas traditions, no tree, no decorations beyond cards, no prosecco on Christmas morning, no mince pieces, no santa, nothing. They did go to mass on Christmas morning but that was it. The gift exchanging was another whole weird thing. Nothing was wrapped and it wasn't actually handed to you just left on a chair or in a corner in a plastic bag. It all made me so grumpy and annoyed. Did one more Christmas at theirs when we had kids but because I knew what to expect I came prepared with food, decor etc. Back to your situation OP, I don't think I'd go. If you like to a have a lovely traditional Christmas where you eat well and spend time with loved ones, this one is going to be a let down.

I'd go after dinner. If you can't, then cook the meat the evening before and bring it over. That way they can't complain about you cooking it. I wouldn't go to be honest, just a flying visit on Xmas eve would have been sufficient.

And FWIW I’ve had thanks too, so we’ve all got our perspectives that dons share and done don’t And how do you know one of your thanks wasn’t from me!

And how do you know one of your thanks wasn’t from me!

You can see who has thanked you.

I was supporting her actually: I just didn’t clarify and she was quick to feel attacked. I attached to her quote because I was building on it.

Do everything you have said. Bring veggie sides and a generous cheeseboard. If you think it will vanish, keep it in the boot of your car and put it on the table when you want to break into it.

Bring a supply of nuts, crisps, chocolates, turkish delight, mince pies, stollen, clementines and grapes etc and keep them in your bedroom to graze on when you want. You could bring a couple of pretty platters and offer them around too if you don't want to be furtively snacking in secret.

I thought I had before typing as I was supporting her actually: I just didn’t clarify and she was quick to feel attacked. I appended to her quote because I was building on it. I hope I have clarified now : it’s taken way longer than it should. Lucky I’m stuck in bed at present.

I agree. That is the only way that this can be resolved so that changes can be made. It doesn't have to involve rudeness, but he has to be assertive. If that doesn't have an effect I wouldn't be going, and certainly wouldn't be finding ways to introduce my own food and heating sources.

I also, as usual, can't get my head around the posters who suggest feigning illness rather than sorting issues out. All it does is kick the ball along the road. What ridiculous lives these liars must lead.

Family special occasion meals typically don't require the same etiquette as dinner parties.

It's ok, manners-wise, for Christmas dinner to be a group effort, and it's not rude to bring extra stuff. Fill the car boot with what you want, and unapologetically serve it.

Your husband needs a spine.

Why can't they come to you, though?

My dad and step mum have gone like this.

I suppose you could just bring your own extras that you want and heat them.

Who cares if it's your last? What's so great about it?

I absolutely would not go somewhere to be cold and hungry at Christmas.
To keep the peace I'd stay away because if I went for a nasty Christmas like you're describing I'd be falling out with the in laws big time.

Christmas is all about the food for me, two diferent roast meats, pigs in blankets, trifle for breakfast and my own bodyweight in chocolates.

Don't be afraid to say "no, your parents version of Christmas is too miserable "

Two hours is not a long drive.

Why not just go to them on Boxing Day, returning the sane evening?

Don’t go! Invite them to yours instead. Show them how Christmas should be done!

To keep the peace I wouldn’t bring food (unless something small).
I would make sure you’re warm - bring fluffy slippers, long johns, layers, tea.

And I’d book a really really special restaurant meal for another time, to have something more festive to look forward to. Treat yourself to compensate for the ordeal!

@willWillSmithsmith OP has already stated that they're in temporary accommodation so can’t host and in laws refuse to go anywhere else anyway

Covid is still very much around, so you could still use that excuse not to go.

I really don't see why you should go if you hate it so much. Would your DH be on board if you made an excuse again?

This message is based entirely on your opening message @Kiwilime , I'd suggest one of the following.
Either don't go and have your own Christmas Dinner in your own place or
Don't go but invite them to come to yours to see how Christmas Dinner should be done! (I'd go with the latter and drive home how much fun it is and how easy it is to feed everyone even if there is food left over, that's what tomorrow's lunch is).

I'll go back and see what else has been suggested.

@takealettermsjones 🤣🤣

DH knows they're tight, but they're his parents, so obviously he wants to see them and other family nearby over Christmas. (They live nearly 2 hours away from us). They're generally nice and good people, and we all get on well. They've just got increasingly obsessed with saving money as they've got older.

If the money saving behaviour is new and getting worse is it worth your DH having a chat with them in the new year about money. Has something perhaps changed for them financially? Are pensions not going as far as they thought? Have they ballsed up with an interest only mortgage?

also obsessive behaviours may be an early sign of dementia- so if it is being driven more by one IL with the other going along too keep them happy it might be worth a GP visit

This ^^ It's no good saying don't go, it's her DH's family and they haven't been in five years. Rather than being rude about their lack of hospitality, it might be time to look at underlying factors. Yes to bringing ready prepped bits and breezily announcing how you love joining in to MIL's feast then serving up your food and treats, (FIL, can we have some of your delicious sherry to go with this cheese DH likes so much?) yes to bringing warm clothes if you can't persuade them to turn up the heating, and definitely yes to trying to make it a nice Christmas for them with their son.

It doesn't sound like any of it is planned to be horrible to you, they've just got into these habits and it will just intensify as they get older. So if you're going, join in with as much grace as you can muster then go home to your warm house and have another Christmas dinner your way, and invite them to yours next year when you're in your bigger house.

@letmeeatinpeace you wouldn't be doing much "peaceful eating" at ops in laws... Why woud you happily starve to keep peace??

Op I'm surprised by the responses although I mostly agree. Don't be a wet lettuce and get dh to push back. Blame you if necessary.. Sorry but dw doesn't want to come she wants food and you declined so there we are. Not coming.

I'm sure a swift back track will happen and food will be allowed.

Usually on these threads you would get told off for being selfish and greedy and whole cares if they are rich if they want tk feed you a carrot and give you a whittling tool to make the most out it... Suck it up.