To stop tight inlaws cooking sad Xmas dinner

[Kiwilime]

Inlaws are early 70s, they're pretty wealthy but so TIGHT. At Christmas their priority is booze. The last time we went to theirs for Christmas we stayed for a few days. MIL was banging on for weeks about all the prep she was doing and how she couldn't wait. Told us explicitly not to bring a thing (we did still bring a few bits including a tub of chocolates we never saw again). But they had barely any food in the house. Bottles and bottles of wine and sherry. But nothing to actually eat, and no Christmas treats, except for a bowl of about 4 humbugs (ironically) in the hallway. We basically ate bran flakes and cheese on toast for four days. Xmas Dinner was sparse (no vegetables because MIL doesn't like them) and all value freezer stuff. It was a bit sad tbh. If that's all you can afford then of course that's fine, but if you're rich and having guests over, I don't understand why you'd serve people that? I'm from a much poorer background and if we had guests we'd at least offer them chocolates/biscuits, and make an effort over Christmas dinner. They're also anal about heating and have a very strict schedule and only heat certain rooms - basically being both hungry and freezing cold is not my idea of a nice Christmas.

So I've offered to bring the turkey/meat and even offered to cook dinner this year, and do some veg, but MIL insists on cooking her usual stuff because that's what they've done for 40 odd years. I've offered to do a nice cheeseboard or a dessert, but even that's been declined.

I've had a shit year and don't want an unecessary Dickensian Christmas. AIBU to bring meat, veg etc for Xmas day and just start cooking?

@Catslovenip

They don’t need a coolbox the house is fucking freezing 😂

Yep that’s a good compromise between you and DH. Though for the sake of letting the concession part be a success ( yes militants: I am one of those sad, downtroddens who don’t feel the need to assert my Great Strength and Power at every opportunity and see a value of compromise in family situations) I’d endeavour to remove the hat and gloves for the meal.

I think if they're nice people and you get on well with them in general then if you don't go I'd be making an excuse, there's no need to hurt their feelings intentionally.

If you do go then I think it's a fair compromise if you bring things that you like, Christmas isn't all about what they like. I think saying to mil "we really enjoy cheese/treats/veg with our Xmas dinner, I know you don't mind us bringing them as you want us to have a lovely Christmas too" or something similar would make her feel a bit silly about being annoyed that you've brought your own food.

Take an oodie and a hot water bottle and wear thermals.

If I could give you a high-five right now Crisp, I would.

That's exactly it.

On a similar vein of "houses I wouldn't want to go to at Christmas", in Tesco yesterday I watched a bloke in his 70s going absolutely ham on the clearance wine section. He STRIPPED that shelf. So I imagine Christmas in his house is 30 bottles of wine that no one else wanted. And as someone who is basically tee-total, that would be a crap christmas.

Bring your own food! Make some lovely veg side dishes and bring them along - if they get funny about it tell them you’re eating less meat/more veg at the moment and didn’t want them to go to any trouble. Who knows? Maybe they’ve never had really good braised red cabbage or honey roast parsnips and they might try some and realise what they’ve been missing!

I’d take the food you’d like to eat. If you have a car, keep it in the boot, a cheeseboard would keep nicely this time of year, and bring things out as a surprise and all ready to eat so she can’t put it way. Take control that way. Or you could give each other food presents and then have to open them as you ‘couldn’t resist.’

It’s unbelievable isn’t it? I don’t think I’ve come across so many wet people afraid to stand up for themselves as I have on MN.

Don’t go but invite them to yours if you must see them. It’s that simple!

Why isn’t your husband able to speak up and say something to them? They are his parents, surely he can say “I know you don’t eat them Mum but we really like vegetables so just checking you’re doing sprouts and carrots for the big day, otherwise it’s no trouble for us to bring them ourselves?” Nothing impolite about that.

I mean did they actually just serve you turkey, potatoes and gravy last time? And Bran flakes and cheese sandwhiches for tea? I find that really hard to believe. And if you did bring a tub of chocolates why on earth didn’t your husband say “I really fancy something sweet now mum where did you put those chocs”.

Also it you were there for 4 days the shops are open from Boxing Day so you literally could have just went out and bought yourself anything you wanted too after the frugal Christmas Day.

Well it would have been better for your response to have made that clear rather than what you actually said, which was that 'I don’t think it’s that people can’t'.

Almost as if you completely disagreed with my premise.

You don't know whether the DH can't speak up to his parents or is choosing not to. Neither do I, although I can have a good guess. I was just disputing the original comment that they can't ever understand why people don't speak up.

As for considering in this context about it being 'every little trifle' it clearly isn't just a trifle for the OP as it clearly ruins her Christmas. And yes this is solvable but not everyone can just do this as airily as you suggest, as you clearly haven't got any assertiveness issues. Some people actually need a bit of support but I wouldn't ask you if I knew you as I don't think I'd get any empathy.

Btw two people thanked me for my response, so if I made two people feel understood, it was worth it.

Honestly, that sounds totally miserable. I wouldn't have asked if I could but just would have brought the food with a 'I thought it would save you slaving away over a hot stove'. ;)

Definitely, definitely, definitely take a secret stash of nice chocolates, biscuits and non-perishable snacks for your room and them bring them out (on your terms!) when you’re all watching TV

They don’t live that far from you, I’d just go for the day and either cook your own special meal on Xmas Eve, or Boxing Day.

I agree with this wholeheartedly

There's a thread on keeping warm while WFH that you might get some good tips about keeping warm while visiting them from. Heated blankets feature a lot. I use a cheap heated gillet & swap in a couple of portable phone charger battery packs. If you can find q blanket that works off those , you and DH can sit under the same one!

Honestly I understand keeping the peace. I'm a bit 🤨 about the people giving you a hard time for not telling them forthright that you're not going because their dinner is shit. It's a once a year (well, once ever 5 years!) thing, and they really sound like the type to take offence and see somebody of a younger generation saying anything at all as disrespectful. It's stupid of them, but for the sake of DH's familiar relations I would suck it up, make the stay as brief as you can, and take extras in a way that they will find impossible to object to.

Arrange to get there about 3ish, on route go to a Toby carvery and stuff yourselfs.
Take nibbles in your suitcase and have a midnight feast.
Say you will cook breakfast and do a massive meal.
Take so bowls and bring down nibbles in the bowls, do not hand over anything unopened. Just tell her you missed the items last time so wanted to treat everyone , offer round and just keep back.
Buy some veg dishes that just go straight In the oven, again say you know not to their liking, but that you like them, if she objects say it is this or you stay home next year... then cook a proper dinner when you get home.

Oh my gosh, I’ve been in this position before. Relatives counted veg, took things off our plate when we played it up in the kitchen. We even brought the meat, it was awful. We kept sneaking out for “walks” to go to the cafe.
you’d be crazy to do another Christmas (or any old day of the week) like this again

1. I work hard all year round and I am not willing to waste my time off being miserable.
2. I will not be dictated to by anyone else. That doesn’t mean I will be rude, I would frame anything I did as being kind / fun / in the festive spirit.
3. Make a decision about whether to go or not. If you go then take LOTS of nice food. Cheese, crackers, nice drinks, a big bag of snacks, dips, sweets. Walk in, don’t make a big deal of it, ask where they want the food to go.

If that pisses them off then there is something seriously wrong with them.

Kill them with kindness!

Hire a small catering trailer to prepare extra veg that you can bring in from outside.

It not that odd over all.

PIL house is tiny and the do Sunday lunch. Its usually split between 2 or three rooms.

Often its Me, DH and B/SIL in one room, grandparents with the grandkids in another. If other family come (aunts/uncles) then me and DH and sometime B/SIL end up in a third room depending on how many aunts/uncles came.

Theres just no way to fit 10+ round a table in tiny rooms.

I not really offended, I don't know that aunts/uncles that well so it makes more sense for me as the unrelated one to move rather than make awkward conversation and DH wants to sit with me.

TBH I don't understand the need to be polite. They aren't being polite to you.

This thread actually prompted discussion with DH last night.
I admitted that part of why I enjoy spending Christmas outside of the UK so much is that we don't spend sad Christmases at his parents then.

It's a day where we're not really allowed chocolates, snacks, drinks and dinner is literally a normal roast.
Shit on the TV that his parents want to watch, not a kids film or family film, usually repeats of NCIS and fishing.

I've compromised, they get half of the day. I can work around half of the day. Not all of it because I can overcome their lack of consideration for us, for that time, and overcome it... but the whole day with them would make it impossible.

Why?

No way would I go again. It’s a precious time off (sorry, so twee 😁). I would be so pissed off if I had knowingly planned to have shit time!

It’s your Christmas too, and if they insist on torturing you, and you need to go, then you have a right to draw some lines. DH has to manage them, they’re his parents/responsibility.
Your offers are perfectly polite and reasonable and can be explained as wanting to contribute and to bring some of your own traditions to the big day.
if they refuse, I reckon you should stay home but it’s certainly possible for DH to negotiate a peaceful truce. Good luck

I wouldn’t go, it sounds miserable. Come here and we’ll give you a proper Christmas!

So what did you actually eat for dinner when you were there last? You sat down and on your plate was ....