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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Pass with Ex

81 replies

Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 21:30

My DP and I have been together for two years and my 7 yo DD and I just moved in with him. He has 3 kids with his ex, who lives around the corner, she wants nothing to do with me and caused a bit of a stink at the beginning of our relationship (no crossover - they were separated 2 years before I came along). Anyway - DP’s father always buys him, his ex and their kids a pass to a local family attraction as a Christmas gift - a family pass. This year is no different, he called up today to get the pass numbers to renew them. I feel a bit annoyed that my DD I are excluded from this gesture, and also that DP has a family pass with his ex, it would be possible for his Dad to get a pass for her and the children and we could buy our own family pass as a household. It just feels weird. DP says IABU - am I?

OP posts:
tomatoontoast · 02/12/2023 21:31

Does his Dad not like you?

Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 21:36

He always seems pleasant towards us. I wouldn’t say we are close, but no issues to my knowledge.

OP posts:
Stephy1024 · 02/12/2023 21:36

I find it abit weird that dad buys them a family pass even though their not a family anymore. I know they have kids together but that just seems odd to me. Why are you and your daughter excluded from this? And why hasn't your partner said anytime to his dad?

Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 21:38

Yes, these are the things I think too. DP has had the kids withheld and all sorts of difficulties from the ex. I think he will do anything to keep the peace.

OP posts:
Crumpleton · 02/12/2023 21:42

Happy to keep the peace with his ex but not to fussed about upsetting present GF. That in itself seems a bit odd to me.

tachycardigan · 02/12/2023 21:43

Is ex well off, could she afford the family pass herself? Is DH a good co-parent with ex or a Disney dad?

If ex can afford it herself, I would ask DH why he doesn’t tell his dad that they’re not a family unit anymore and he should just buy for him and the kids, not the ex.

JustaSmallSlice · 02/12/2023 21:44

Is the pass essentially a present for his three grandchildren and allows either of their parents to take them? It doesn’t sound like it’s a present for your DP from his father specifically?

Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 21:45

@Crumpleton is now the time I should mention that she is still on his Netflix, Disney+, etc?

OP posts:
EauNeu · 02/12/2023 21:46

Yeah bit strange. Do they go together? Or each use the pass at different times.

Best case it's just the dad being super unimaginative with presents

Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 21:47

@tachycardigan she is comfortable for sure. I think she particularly likes the place, I don’t really have an issue with DP’s Dad buying for her, it’s the buying for them as a unit and disregarding DD and I that is making me feel odd.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 21:48

@JustaSmallSlice yeah, it is that. DP won’t get any other gift.

OP posts:
PalePurplePumpkin · 02/12/2023 21:49

Why doesn't your DP just pay for your DD to come with?

Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 21:49

@EauNeu they went together once on their youngest’s birthday. The rest of the time it’s mostly DP’s ex taking the kids.

OP posts:
RoseAndRose · 02/12/2023 21:50

JustaSmallSlice · 02/12/2023 21:44

Is the pass essentially a present for his three grandchildren and allows either of their parents to take them? It doesn’t sound like it’s a present for your DP from his father specifically?

Yes, I think this is the likeliest scenario

CreeperBoom · 02/12/2023 21:51

I don't think think that is too odd - is it a kids attraction, rather than something either adult would go to without them?

He is surely buying the pass for his grandkids, and ensuring that both parents can take them, to make the most of it. A family pass probably covers two adults automatically, so it would be a waste not to add them both?

Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 21:52

@PalePurplePumpkin there is always that - it’s an annual pass, so means his kids can visit often. It would be expensive to go that often PAYG.

OP posts:
JustaSmallSlice · 02/12/2023 21:53

In which case, I can’t see why DPs father would get a pass for your family as your child is not his grandchild? I’d say YABU

PalePurplePumpkin · 02/12/2023 21:53

Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 21:52

@PalePurplePumpkin there is always that - it’s an annual pass, so means his kids can visit often. It would be expensive to go that often PAYG.

I think you're making problems where there aren't any.

If he takes his kids, he can pay yours in. It's not like he's going to take them every week 🤷‍♂️

ComtesseDeSpair · 02/12/2023 21:53

JustaSmallSlice · 02/12/2023 21:44

Is the pass essentially a present for his three grandchildren and allows either of their parents to take them? It doesn’t sound like it’s a present for your DP from his father specifically?

I think this is pretty reasonable. He’s not buying for them as a family unit, he’s essentially buying something for his grandchildren which can be used regardless of which parent they’re with. And as a relatively new partner who only just started living together, I wouldn’t expect him to treat your DC in the same way as his own grandchildren.

Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 21:54

@CreeperBoom that’s how DP sees it - I think it’s the exclusion of DD and I that bothers me. Plus you can get sole parent passes. But it’s good to hear others view it how DP does.

OP posts:
Bellyblueboy · 02/12/2023 22:03

This is an awkward one. It annoys you because this man isn’t treating your daughter the same as his grandchildren.

does he buy your daughter a Christmas present? Does your husband take your daughter on his trips out with his children?

this man might not ever think of you daughter as one of his grandchildren - and that’s okay. But he shouldn’t openly bring Presents for his grandchildren when your daughter is there if he is excluding her. That’s just unkind.

I hope your daughter has her own grandparents who spoil her this Christmas 🥰

Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 22:08

@Bellyblueboy Yeah, thanks, I feel like this. He is always sweet to my DD, but has never given her a gift. I have a much older DS (two-time divorcee) who was taken in by DD’s grandparents and treated so kindly - they bought him Premium Bonds and everything. I am not expecting that, but this is so far the other way.

OP posts:
Crumpleton · 02/12/2023 22:09

Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 21:45

@Crumpleton is now the time I should mention that she is still on his Netflix, Disney+, etc?

TBF...I don't see anything wrong with couples that separate providing for their shared DC, it's a given, but when it comes to putting their ex's before their current partners I find it odd, it's almost as if they're second best, must remember their place is behind the ex, yet you're probably the one that helps around the house/contribute to the bills...although hopefully not Netflix etc.

Have you asked him about at least removing her from the Netflix and such, or is it going to be a case of the DC will suffer if they can't watch their favourite programs and only dad can afford the subscription?

savoycabbage · 02/12/2023 22:12

She is the one using it and taking the children to the attraction so she needs to be on the pass.

I'd be horrified if my boyfriend knocked his children off Disney and Netflix.

PalePurplePumpkin · 02/12/2023 22:13

He is always sweet to my DD, but has never given her a gift.

You've literally just moved in with your boyfriend. Now that's happened and he can see you're both serious, perhaps he'll start buying her a gift.

But there's absolutely nothing wrong with the gift he's buying his grandchildren and their parents.