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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Pass with Ex

81 replies

Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 21:30

My DP and I have been together for two years and my 7 yo DD and I just moved in with him. He has 3 kids with his ex, who lives around the corner, she wants nothing to do with me and caused a bit of a stink at the beginning of our relationship (no crossover - they were separated 2 years before I came along). Anyway - DP’s father always buys him, his ex and their kids a pass to a local family attraction as a Christmas gift - a family pass. This year is no different, he called up today to get the pass numbers to renew them. I feel a bit annoyed that my DD I are excluded from this gesture, and also that DP has a family pass with his ex, it would be possible for his Dad to get a pass for her and the children and we could buy our own family pass as a household. It just feels weird. DP says IABU - am I?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 22:38

@cadburyegg not at all. I appreciate it. I am a long time lurker here and always see so much balance and alternative perspectives, it’s what I wanted so that I can stop stinking thinking about it all.

OP posts:
Onabench · 02/12/2023 22:39

Stephy1024 · 02/12/2023 21:36

I find it abit weird that dad buys them a family pass even though their not a family anymore. I know they have kids together but that just seems odd to me. Why are you and your daughter excluded from this? And why hasn't your partner said anytime to his dad?

They will always be family…mother, father, kids….they will always be family. It sounds like a gift to the grandchildren.

OP you’ve been together a really short time. Honestly, it is really quick to move in together. His dad is probably baffled too, but trying to prioritise his grand children.

glossypeach · 02/12/2023 22:40

i can’t see why he’s getting family pass and including the ex instead of you and then paying for an additional child (your child). Sure he’ll be paying extra, but he’s paying for someone that’s not part of your partners family unit anymore and excluding the people that are. It’s odd.

Kitkatcatflap · 02/12/2023 22:43

JustaSmallSlice · 02/12/2023 21:44

Is the pass essentially a present for his three grandchildren and allows either of their parents to take them? It doesn’t sound like it’s a present for your DP from his father specifically?

That is what I read it as, either parent can take the kids.

I think you are being unreasonable, expecting a family pass for you and your children as well as buying one for his actual grandchildren. Perhaps, ask someone your side to purchase an annual pass.

Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 22:43

@QWE96 thank you - yes, this is all helping me to gain perspective. I appreciate it. I had a blended family for 12 years with DD’s father and it was so different - very affable and cordial, but boundaried. I am still adjusting to the difference. So good to get others’ views.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 22:46

@Bellyblueboy thanks. I am in therapy now, so I will discuss it. DP’s children haven’t been allowed to meet my parents. My parents would love them to bits though.

OP posts:
QWE96 · 02/12/2023 22:52

Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 22:43

@QWE96 thank you - yes, this is all helping me to gain perspective. I appreciate it. I had a blended family for 12 years with DD’s father and it was so different - very affable and cordial, but boundaried. I am still adjusting to the difference. So good to get others’ views.

I have a blended family and ours is very boundaried also. If it's too close for comfort for you, I think you should discuss ways forward with your DP that are a happy medium for both of you. Things can hopefully improve if you're transparent with him about how some things have made you feel :)

Crumpleton · 02/12/2023 22:53

rwalker · 02/12/2023 22:37

More than likely frightened of not been able to see his kids

Show quote history

This as well, which to be honest is another strange one.

Unless a parent is a danger to the DC or gives them no thought at all I'm always in two minds when it comes to them using DC as a pawn in a relationship that has ended.

In this case there doesn't seem to be they seem close to their GP and the father sees his DC and pays maintenance so unless there's something that hasn't been mentioned it sounds as though he's a good dad....by all accounts maybe a bit thin on the ground on MN but there are a few out there.

Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 22:53

@QWE96 many thanks.

OP posts:
Menomeno · 02/12/2023 22:57

Onabench · 02/12/2023 22:39

They will always be family…mother, father, kids….they will always be family. It sounds like a gift to the grandchildren.

OP you’ve been together a really short time. Honestly, it is really quick to move in together. His dad is probably baffled too, but trying to prioritise his grand children.

Show quote history

Why would his dad be “baffled” that they’ve moved in together after two whole YEARS in a relationship? How long should they wait? 10 years maybe? 20? I think two years is perfectly responsible and sensible.

Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 22:57

@Crumpleton he is an amazing and utterly devoted Dad. It’s beautiful. @rwalker is right - the kids have been withheld on multiple occasions, many before I was on the scene and a couple of times since, but not in the past 6 months, so here’s hoping that won’t happen again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 22:59

@Menomeno thanks - I thought that, but I’m not a good judge of timelines and am usually married by this point in the relationship 😝

OP posts:
Bellyblueboy · 02/12/2023 23:00

Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 22:46

@Bellyblueboy thanks. I am in therapy now, so I will discuss it. DP’s children haven’t been allowed to meet my parents. My parents would love them to bits though.

How is that possible?

surely your boyfriends sees his children regularly and they are in his care at your joint home?

who is stopping them meeting your parents?

two years is a long relationship. Do your parents live far away?

Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 23:03

@Bellyblueboy yes, my parents are very far and too unwell to travel. It’s usually just my kids and I that visit them. DP’s ex not keen on him taking them too far from the area.

OP posts:
Firsttimemum120 · 02/12/2023 23:04

@Onabench they stopped being family there minute they separated. They share children that’s all. They are no longer family in my book after that. I don’t even want to go into my own situation but it’s draining and I feel for this woman.

Crumpleton · 02/12/2023 23:05

Bellyblueboy · 02/12/2023 23:00

How is that possible?

surely your boyfriends sees his children regularly and they are in his care at your joint home?

who is stopping them meeting your parents?

two years is a long relationship. Do your parents live far away?

Show quote history

Maybe the ex has stipulated that the DC aren't allowed to meet OP parents and the DP is just doing as he's told to "keep the peace"

Witchdr92456 · 02/12/2023 23:09

They aren’t a family they are separated. I never understand these relationships that aren’t together but do things as if they are.

Stephy1024 · 03/12/2023 04:39

I see it this way too. I'm not a family with my kids dad anymore. He's the father of my kids and we get on as good as can be expected but there's healthy boundaries.

JustaSmallSlice · 03/12/2023 04:41

PPs seem to confuse the fact it’s called a ‘family pass’.

The fact the OP and DP have formed a new family is irrelevant, the pass is a gift to the DP’s three children, I can’t see why this would or should change for a grandfather buying a gift for his grandchildren.

GladioliandSweetPeas · 03/12/2023 04:51

Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 21:47

@tachycardigan she is comfortable for sure. I think she particularly likes the place, I don’t really have an issue with DP’s Dad buying for her, it’s the buying for them as a unit and disregarding DD and I that is making me feel odd.

I'm on your side with regards the issue in your OP. Buying a family pass and including DP in it, is ludicrous and insulting.

However saying I don’t really have an issue with DP’s Dad buying for her as a general rule, is ridiculous as it's not your place to have an issue with that! She is the mother of DP's Dad's grandchildren. She's essentially family to them. Whether or not they buy her anything or pay for anything for her, is not your business or place to comment on.

Going back to the family pass, are you sure he's not just renewing it anyway as it's still cheaper to get a family pass than it would be for one adult and however many children? Sometimes that can be the case with some attractions

GladioliandSweetPeas · 03/12/2023 04:53

Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 21:54

@CreeperBoom that’s how DP sees it - I think it’s the exclusion of DD and I that bothers me. Plus you can get sole parent passes. But it’s good to hear others view it how DP does.

But why should he pay for his son's new girlfriend and her DD? Just because he pays for his grandchildren?

Original poster
Pseudojudo · 03/12/2023 08:18

@GladioliandSweetPeas I am not suggesting in any way that he should pay for our pass - I mentioned this in my post - I can buy a pass for us, it’s the symbolism of the family unit being “them and us” that wasn’t sitting right with me.

OP posts:
Bellyblueboy · 03/12/2023 08:38

But you are a relatively new relationship and your daughter isn’t related to the grandfather, nor are you.

stop focusing on the family part. A grandfather has bought his three grandchildren access to something they enjoy - and either of their parent can take them. They don’t have to go together.

he wants his son or ex daughter in law to take his grandchildren.

you are not the new wife and your daughter isn’t his grandchild. Hopefully he gets to know you both over the years and hopefully he treats your daughter with kindness. But you can’t expect him to think of your daughter as equal to his grandchildren. I hope this doesn’t sound harsh but if you keep expecting this man to suddenly think he has new grandchildren because you moved in with his son you will be disappointed. Think of it from his perspective - if you break up he will never see your children again.

your own parents haven’t even met your boyfriends children.

you can’t define family for other people.

Original poster
Pseudojudo · 03/12/2023 08:46

@Bellyblueboy thanks, yes, I am totally dropping it. I think I got fixated on the symbolism, rather than the practicalities. It was more DP that I was feeling weird about, but I am over it. I appreciate your posts.

OP posts:
Babyghirl · 03/12/2023 11:58

@Onabench
They aren't family, they stopped being a family the minute they split up, only thing they have in common now is the kids, mum and kids dad and kids. Needs to be this way so you don't confuse the kids and give them false hope of mum and dad getting back together.