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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Pass with Ex

81 replies

Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 21:30

My DP and I have been together for two years and my 7 yo DD and I just moved in with him. He has 3 kids with his ex, who lives around the corner, she wants nothing to do with me and caused a bit of a stink at the beginning of our relationship (no crossover - they were separated 2 years before I came along). Anyway - DP’s father always buys him, his ex and their kids a pass to a local family attraction as a Christmas gift - a family pass. This year is no different, he called up today to get the pass numbers to renew them. I feel a bit annoyed that my DD I are excluded from this gesture, and also that DP has a family pass with his ex, it would be possible for his Dad to get a pass for her and the children and we could buy our own family pass as a household. It just feels weird. DP says IABU - am I?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 22:13

@Crumpleton you hit the nail on the head - the second best bit. His ex works and gets way over the advised maintenance from my DP, so could afford Netflix. If she was interested in having at least a civil relationship with me then it wouldn’t bother me seeing her name on the TV all the time, but she is very jealous and won’t acknowledge my existence. I feel DP and his family are enabling that too.

OP posts:
TheresaCrowd · 02/12/2023 22:14

@Crumpleton is now the time I should mention that she is still on his Netflix, Disney+, etc?

I should hope so too!?

You do realise they are a family and will always be a family, even though they don't live together?

Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 22:16

@savoycabbage they are on my Netflix, etc, which I got myself when I split with DD’s Dad. I would never expect them to be without it - their mum can afford it though.

OP posts:
SgtJuneAckland · 02/12/2023 22:17

Sounds like your boyfriend has a type

LittleBrenda · 02/12/2023 22:17

So they have to live n two homes and drag their favourite toys and their school reading book between them and then they can't even watch the next episode of Bluey because they have two separate Disney accounts?

Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 22:18

@TheresaCrowd yes, I am very supportive of DP’s relationship with the children and continue to attempt to have a relationship with his ex. My ex husband and I don’t share a Netflix though - I didn’t even know it was a thing, I just got my own when he left.

OP posts:
RoseAndRose · 02/12/2023 22:19

Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 21:54

@CreeperBoom that’s how DP sees it - I think it’s the exclusion of DD and I that bothers me. Plus you can get sole parent passes. But it’s good to hear others view it how DP does.

in that case he should get the pass for his 3 DGC and the parent with whom they live most of the time. Would that be their mother?

Then you/DH can buy tickets for all his DC when you take them

savoycabbage · 02/12/2023 22:19

Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 22:16

@savoycabbage they are on my Netflix, etc, which I got myself when I split with DD’s Dad. I would never expect them to be without it - their mum can afford it though.

You said that they were on his Netflix though. Not on your Netflix.

Crumpleton · 02/12/2023 22:20

Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 22:16

@savoycabbage they are on my Netflix, etc, which I got myself when I split with DD’s Dad. I would never expect them to be without it - their mum can afford it though.

So it's you that has the Netflix subscription?

If so you can change the password at anytime the ex shouldn't even know what it is. The DC will still be able to watch it when they visit you.

Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 22:21

@LittleBrenda no, they still have the same account. My daughter and I do not have one on the main TV now that we have moved in. I don’t think that‘a fair either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 22:24

@savoycabbage I put them on my Netflix long before we discussed moving in so they could watch things in another room if they were wanting to watch different shows. That is still the arrangement - my DD and I do not have an account on the main TV in the lounge, that is DP, his ex and their children

OP posts:
LittleBrenda · 02/12/2023 22:24

It's all very confusing.

You and your child have a Netflix account for just you two and then he has one for him and his children and his ex?

Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 22:24

@Crumpleton I put them on my Netflix long before we discussed moving in so they could watch things in another room if they were wanting to watch different shows. That is still the arrangement - my DD and I do not have an account on the main TV

OP posts:
Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 22:25

@LittleBrenda yes, that’s it.

OP posts:
RoseAndRose · 02/12/2023 22:25

way over the advised maintenance

What? In UK I've only ever come across CMS rates, which is the amount the government will take steps to enforce, and it not a reflection of the actual costs of raising DC. It sounds as your DH is defraying something closer to the actual costs, rather than the legal minimum.

How much the mother earns isn't relevant - his DC deserve his resources because they are his children.

If the screen names on the Netflix etc bother you that much, change them to the DC name rather than that of their mother

TeapotTitties · 02/12/2023 22:28

How much the mother earns isn't relevant - his DC deserve his resources because they are his children.

This ^^

Honestly OP, the resentment at how close his family still are is oozing out of you.

You'd be better off with someone who doesn't have kids.

cadburyegg · 02/12/2023 22:31

YABVU

The pass is clearly for the dc, you can't expect your dd to be paid for too.

It's ridiculous that it annoys you to see his ex's name on the Netflix account, she's the mum of his kids and presumably has them most of the time.

You need to reframe your thinking - "way over the advised maintenance"? Give over. You know very little about her financial situation, just because she works and receives maintenance doesn't make her comfortable.

Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 22:32

@RoseAndRose thanks, that’s helpful. I have had very limited support from DD’s dad, so it’s most likely transference on my part and the source of my resentment as @TeapotTitties has mentioned. It’s about me being tired of doing all the providing for my two. It’s not really anything to do with it and I am sorry I raised the Netflix thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 22:34

@cadburyegg this is the kind of thing I came here to hear - you know how friendship groups just reinforce/back you to the hilt?! I can drop it now (not that DP knows it isn’t dropped). Thanks.

OP posts:
savoycabbage · 02/12/2023 22:34

If you have your own Netflix I don't understand why it bothers you.

I'd want my children to be able to watch the same account in both their homes.

And I wouldn't want to be with a man who didn't allow his children to watch his Netflix.

Bellyblueboy · 02/12/2023 22:35

OP I do think you need to work through your feelings about his ex and his children before this becomes a monster in your relationship.

from what you have said it seems he is financially supporting his children and his dad continues to treat his ex as part of the family. That is all healthy and normal.

his ex has an issue with you - there is nothing you can do about that.

the Netflix and Disney accounts are tiny things - don’t let it annoy you.

speak up if, for example, the dad arrives at your house with treats for his grandchildren but doesn’t bring one for your child. Adults shouldn’t do that. But otherwise don’t start interfering in this man’s relationship with his grandchildren. It won’t end well.

are your parents still in the picture? How do they treat the new children in your life?

QWE96 · 02/12/2023 22:35

TeapotTitties · 02/12/2023 22:28

How much the mother earns isn't relevant - his DC deserve his resources because they are his children.

This ^^

Honestly OP, the resentment at how close his family still are is oozing out of you.

You'd be better off with someone who doesn't have kids.

Yes, this post is so very self-absorbed. How dare he actually parent his children.

OP, the thing is, blended families take a lot of give and take because you cannot expect to be the only people in a family unit with someone who has 3 children with somebody else.

The family pass is obviously a gift from the children's grandparent - nothing to do with you. Netflix account - a non issue. Their mum - it might cause you less stress if you stop trying to force a relationship with her, whether she's being unreasonable or not.

cadburyegg · 02/12/2023 22:35

Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 22:34

@cadburyegg this is the kind of thing I came here to hear - you know how friendship groups just reinforce/back you to the hilt?! I can drop it now (not that DP knows it isn’t dropped). Thanks.

My post was probably a bit harsh, sorry. Glad you are seeing it from the other side though.

Original poster
Pseudojudo · 02/12/2023 22:36

@savoycabbage thanks. You are all right about this, standing down thoroughly on that one.

OP posts:
rwalker · 02/12/2023 22:37

Crumpleton · 02/12/2023 21:42

Happy to keep the peace with his ex but not to fussed about upsetting present GF. That in itself seems a bit odd to me.

More than likely frightened of not been able to see his kids