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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH policing how I talk. AIBu

86 replies

Picturequestion · 02/12/2023 20:22

So I was just chatting to DH about something we have paid someone else to do for us. At great expense. For example a menu for a big event.

We are going through a rocky patch. He is getting therapy to work out why he gets so triggered by certain things which can lead to him getting disproportionally angry and at times very verbally aggressive (name calling for example).

Discussion yesterday and an agreement that neither of us should give the other unsolicited advice or criticise each other. He has asked me to make a reasonable change in how we co parent and I have asked him to continue to work on being less reactive and angry.

So back to the conversation about the ‘menu’.

We were talking through it and the different aspects - what we liked and didn’t like. I said about one bit ‘I feel really ‘meh’ about this bit’. He said - in a slightly irritated tone ‘can I ask that when we discuss these things that you talk more positively.’

i stayed very calm. I’m getting very skilled at that! I said that I was just expressing how I feel about something. He said that I had asked him to change how he talks (I.e. when he’s angry and aggressive) because of how it makes me feel and so he is asking me to change how I talk because it dampens his enthusiasm for the ‘menu’

I very calmly said that I didn’t think it was equivalent and that I need to be able to express myself and my feelings and thoughts. I wasnt being critical of him or aggressive or morose. I was positive about the bulk of the ‘menu’. I was just stating my reaction to a part of the menu.

He was annoyed that I didn’t agree with him and huffed and walked off.

AIBU to think that he doesn’t have the right to ask me not to express my emotional reaction to a part of something that we are paying someone to provide.

Or am I right to stand my ground because I shouldn’t have to monitor what I say just in case it dampens his enthusiasm (it might have easily been that he felt ‘meh’ as well).?

No LTBs please. That’s the next step if he doesn’t stop the aggressive outbursts. Obviously this is a micro event in a much more complex situation but just based on the information here I’d be keen to hear views.

Thanks in advance to anyone that has read and comprehended all of that. I feel quite certain that I am being reasonable but the strength of his annoyance makes it hard to know for sure. Would be great to have different perspectives.

OP posts:
JustAGirlScotland · 02/12/2023 20:29

Honestly he sounds like very hard work. Relationships are not supposed to be like this. I'd feel incredibly awkward having to police my language around my DH - we both WFH full time so spend a LOT of time together. When it is just us we say it how it is - sometimes using explicit language lol (e.g. when I'm talking about my boss who I can't wait to leave - new job in the works just waiting for my contract to come through)!

We do however "police" our language when appropriate (on work calls, when our children are around).

ElevenSeven · 02/12/2023 20:31

Nothing is meant to be this hard

Begsthequestion · 02/12/2023 20:33

From your post it sounds like you were just expressing your feeling about something in very mild terms - hardly on a par with shouting or being aggressive or name calling. He doesn't have to like it or agree with you, but he also doesn't get to shut you down with a false equivalence.

Look up tone policing, to make sure you don't allow him to start doing that as a kind of defence of his own bad behaviour.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/12/2023 20:38

There is a really important difference between expressing an emotion, 'I feel angry" and acting out that emotion, shouting and stomping. You were expressing. As long as you didn't PA stung and sigh and act all pissy, you're right.

Eatbetterthisweek · 02/12/2023 20:38

Sounds like two robots in an experimental marriage sim. I think the next stage should be communicating like human beings. Are you intimate still?

Aspergallus · 02/12/2023 20:39

He is using what's been said in therapy against you.

That sounds like a pretty fundamental problem. That's someone who wants weaponry to fight you with. To be right, to win, rather than improve the relationship. Makes sense alongside the sensitivity to criticism and defensiveness you describe -this is a man who has to be right and can't meaningfully apologise (without storing it up for a gotcha later).

pocketblocket · 02/12/2023 20:40

I don't know, really. If you're allowed to tell him how to express himself then surely he has the same right to say the same to you?

Were you being moany and negative?

Atethehalloweenchocs · 02/12/2023 20:41

You are not responsible for managing his feelings - he is. If you were constantly negative it would be one thing, but there are times you will say something he has a reaction to - the answer is not for you to change, but for him to improve how he manages things.

DeeCeeCherry · 02/12/2023 20:42

this is a micro event in a much more complex situation

I can't even fathom what it means. But I do not waste life on men who are hard work and your husband sounds as if he is. You’ll have to moderate your tone for years on end and it'll probably never suit him enough anyway. Boring. Good luck tho.

pocketblocket · 02/12/2023 20:42

Also, sorry but I find these 'example' threads really hard to follow....if it's not a menu for a big event but is something like a house extension then it's much easier if you say what it is for us to understand the context.

determinedtomakethiswork · 02/12/2023 20:43

Do you really have to stay with him?

Clarinet1 · 02/12/2023 20:45

You were perfectly within your rights to express some kind of preference over something on the menu. It doesn’t sound as if you did it on an aggressive way “No way are we having that!” “I can’t stand that!” Just “I’m not so keen on…..”
If he tries to squash your self expression, what is the future for you?

SethSaysNowt · 02/12/2023 20:45

Policing you being meh about something as minor as an item on a menu is very different to him needing to control verbal abuse towards you.

From what you’ve said he doesn’t sound worth this much work.

Does he have any good points?

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2023 20:47

He's using what you talk about in therapy as his new stick to beat you with, and he's comparing apples to oranges. He needs to curtail his abuse, he wants you to shut up entirely unless he approves of what you say.

Tell us again why you're bothering with this tedious man.

Zaney40 · 02/12/2023 20:50

I'm starting to think that a big chunk of mumsnetters have just broke up from an abusive relationship, they've got time in their hands being newly single and they spend it by replying to every post saying you should definitely not work on anything in your relationship and instead just LTB.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 02/12/2023 20:53

Ffs, this is like walking on egg shells. He’ll pick at anything you say. You’re flogging a dead horse being married to him.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 02/12/2023 20:53

Divorce him and talk how you want. When my dd was being 'chased ' by a newly met lad who a bad reputation as a druggy... dh went absolutely bonkers I was slating him from the privacy of my own home. Like wtf? Both knob heads as it turned out.. Both exes now..

billy1966 · 02/12/2023 20:56

He's a horrible abusive man using therapy to beat you with.

That is why counselling with an abuser is not recommended.

He's an arsehole and will remain so.

Crazycrazylady · 02/12/2023 20:59

Honestly op.
Is this person who flies off the handle at the top of a hat and who wants you to only be positive about the the things he likes worth it?
Life is just too short for this kind of carry on.

UnpalatableButTrue · 02/12/2023 21:04

ElevenSeven · 02/12/2023 20:31

Nothing is meant to be this hard

This is exactly what I was going to say.

Starlightstarbright2 · 02/12/2023 21:05

I mean you don’t want LTB comments .

however yes you absolutely have the right to express yourself however this is a man who is aggressive with you- verbally can be emotionally damaging . It also crosses over into physical .

you should be in a place you can speak without walking on eggshells - you should not be together . You should feel safe to express your opinion

Dustpantsandbush · 02/12/2023 21:06

I can’t help you placate an abusive prick.

samqueens · 02/12/2023 21:12

OP please read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? (read discreetly, can be downloaded on kindle/apple books)

Assess his behaviour in the light of the insight the book provides.

YABU to think your view can change what HE thinks he has the right to request/express.

YANBU to ‘stand your ground’…
But please note that this isn’t the kind of issue one should feel one has to ‘stand one’s ground’ about in a healthy relationship.

Decide whether, if YOU feel something is unreasonable (and you’ve sanity checked that view with yourself and tried to consider an opposing view - just in case you are, in fact, a crazy person) then that is enough… Just your perspective, on its own… is that enough to base decisions on? Are you allowed to have your feelings regardless of how your H reacts to them?

(Clue… that answer to all these should be ‘yes’)

I think you’ll get a lot out of that book… I hope you read it!

LividSleep · 02/12/2023 21:13

@Zaney40 that’s absolutely true in my case but 99.9% of the time these men ARE utter pricks who need leaving, and it’s easy to see from the other side…

Original poster
Picturequestion · 02/12/2023 21:15

Thank you all.

It’s good to know I’m not being unreasonable.

It is very hard work at the moment and yes, it shouldn’t be.

My massive dilemma is the DC. He does more of the childcare and domestic stuff so it would be at least a 50/50 spilt. Not sure I can cope with not seeing DC half the time. So going to give it my very best shot but I won’t just sit back and take it.

The therapy is just him. I have my own.
He is exploring why he’s like this and facing some uncomfortable truths.

It’s the best we can do currently but working hard at it. I have a deadline.

OP posts: