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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder about working grandparents?

132 replies

mantyzer · 02/12/2023 19:40

It has always surprised me that so many people on here use grandparents for childcare. Don't they work? My parents and in-laws were still working full-time when our children were young. They could only have helped with childcare if we paid them so they could pay their own bills.

So those with grandparents providing childcare, are they early retired, never worked, or did they have you older so they are now retired?

OP posts:
MizzMarple · 02/12/2023 22:07

My mum retired when I was 18! And that was only a couple of years early as retirement age was 60 then for women.

My PIL looked after my niece while they were still working (my FIL still is in his 70s) but they own their own business so it wasn’t a problem.

Chasingsquirrels · 02/12/2023 22:09

Re living near them.
We lived the other side of the country. My parents used to come over, stay with us 2 nights a week and have dc1 while I was at work. After 6m they said they were moving nearer, took another 6m and they moved about 15mins drive away.

Xenia · 02/12/2023 22:10

My father stopped work at 77 and died at 79 and both my parents lived hundreds of miles away. I will probably at least to that age - not least because despite being a grandmother I am still supporting the youngest children.

WashItTomorrow · 02/12/2023 22:15

Grandparents themselves might need support, never mind them doing childcare for you. It’s more likely that you might have to do elder care for them.

MargotBamborough · 02/12/2023 22:18

None of my children's grandparents provide regular childcare because mine live far away and my in laws are close by but my children go to crèche full time. But they were all in their mid to late 60s and retired by the time we had our first child.

QuiltedHippo · 02/12/2023 22:23

All 4 were retired by the time I went back to work - think having a grandchild gave my mum a nudge to retire. All over state pension age but some retired early.

I'm planning hard so I don't have to work full time up to retirement age so if I'm lucky enough for grandchildren nearby I'd love to help. I think as we have children later it'd be less of an issue as time goes on (but may go the other way where grandparents are too old to help)

Greycheck · 02/12/2023 22:27

My parents were only 44 and 46 when I had my eldest however so we used full time childcare for our children when they were very young. I was lucky however and my Dad retired at 50 and he asked if he could do school pick up twice a week which was a massive help.

My eldest two are 21 and 19 now and I will likely be working for a good 20 years yet so if/when they start their families it will be unlikely I would be able to help out much weekdays ☹️

AhBiscuits · 02/12/2023 22:30

I'll retire in 20 years (hopefully sooner 🙏)
My oldest is 7. Hopefully I'll be able to help when she has children.

USaYwHatNow · 02/12/2023 22:37

My parents both work still. Dad FT, Mum PT in retail and running her own small business. My mum voluntarily dropped a day at her business to do a day'd childcare for us. Dad wfh so is around if needs be. They're relatively young grandparents (late 50s) and even so waited a long time for me to give them their first grandchild, and they always maintained that they wanted to help out with childcare as long as they were able so I'm very lucky.

Shadowsindarkplaces · 02/12/2023 22:38

With mothers delaying parenthood until later its obvious grandparents will be older. Parents need to factor in how childcare will work, if they can afford it or if one parent takes the hit and SAH. Cost of living may force their hands though.

I'm a gran to 3 dgs. 12 and under. I work FT, and I am a carer as well for DH. I couldn't do childcare even if their mother allowed it. (whole other thread) Their other gran does, but she is retired, in poor health, so it's probably not ideal.
My DM had her mother for childcare in the 1970s. She paid her mother to look after us, and DGF worked FT. DGM got a part-time job when I was 10 and DBro 9, we were left at home while they were all working. There wasn't the angst at leaving NT kids for a few hours then.

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/12/2023 22:38

I don't know any that still work.

My dad retired at 55 and my mum not long after but he died and her health was too bad so no childcare was possible.

I don't actually know any that help with regular childcare tbh.

Asparagus1 · 02/12/2023 22:43

My mum is my children’s only grandparent,(and always has been) she has just turned 66. When my 17 & 15 year old were little she taught full time so she couldn’t. She retired from teaching at 60. But very quickly started working in a care home and still works about 24 hours a week. She takes my 6 year old to school twice a week but when he was in reception she was taking him and picking him up every day because I worked further away. Luckily the home are flexible and let her work during school hours then 😊

WashItTomorrow · 02/12/2023 22:52

I’m a bit surprised that people live so close to their parents so they are able to do regular childcare. Both DH’s and my parents live over 200 miles away. I don’t know any grandparents who do regular childcare, apart from one whose daughter died and the child now lives with his grandma.

Asparagus1 · 02/12/2023 22:52

WashItTomorrow · 02/12/2023 22:52

I’m a bit surprised that people live so close to their parents so they are able to do regular childcare. Both DH’s and my parents live over 200 miles away. I don’t know any grandparents who do regular childcare, apart from one whose daughter died and the child now lives with his grandma.

My mum lives next door but two! 😂

HMW1906 · 02/12/2023 22:58

My mum helps with our childcare. She is self-employed part time hours mostly working from home. She works around my work hours really, I’m a long shift worker 3/4 days per week including some weekends so I let her know usually about 6-8 weeks in advance what I’m working and then she books her work in around that except for Tuesdays when she has a permanent day at one clients office and my children go to nursery on that day. My dad still works but is usually home by around 4pm so he helps once he’s home. They’re both at/coming up to retirement age though so i’d imagine in the next few years they will be retiring.

my in-laws are retired but only
occasionally help with childcare due to health problems.

Myself and my husband were quite old when we had our first child (35 and 39 second child at 37 and 41) so obviously our parents were older when their grandchildren were born. My brothers children are teenagers now and my parents weren’t really able to help with childcare when they were younger other than the occasional school pick up due to working so I think they love that they get to be more involved this time around.

KinshipGran · 02/12/2023 23:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Bornonsunday · 02/12/2023 23:34

WashItTomorrow · 02/12/2023 22:52

I’m a bit surprised that people live so close to their parents so they are able to do regular childcare. Both DH’s and my parents live over 200 miles away. I don’t know any grandparents who do regular childcare, apart from one whose daughter died and the child now lives with his grandma.

Maybe it depends where you live. Where we are (rural town) nearly everyone has family close by and most kids I know get picked up at least occasionally by Grandparents. It's actually really common to drop to part time work in your 60s which is why they often have a bit more time. By early 70s though I found my parents really slowing down and I think they would have struggled helping with toddlers, but mine were older by then so they could help with some pick ups.

howshouldibehave · 02/12/2023 23:41

WashItTomorrow · 02/12/2023 22:52

I’m a bit surprised that people live so close to their parents so they are able to do regular childcare. Both DH’s and my parents live over 200 miles away. I don’t know any grandparents who do regular childcare, apart from one whose daughter died and the child now lives with his grandma.

Loads of the children in all of my DC’s classes had grandparents who lived within walking distance of the school.

blackheartsgirl · 02/12/2023 23:41

Im 46 with 2 grandchildren, the eldest is 5.

at the moment I provide overnight childcare once or twice a week so that dgd mum can go to work as a nurse. Also one day at the weekend and school runs

that’s all I can do at the moment. I have teenagers too.

i work part time atm so it’s doable for me, less so if i was full time.

ItsFineImFine · 03/12/2023 00:13

Bless all these grandparents looking after their grandkids ! I’m 40, have two kids 1 and 3 and my body is physically exhausted looking after them at the end of each day. I was fit and healthy a runner pre babies. No idea how grandparents do it you guys are amazing what’s the secret 😂

Tiiredofthiss · 03/12/2023 00:32

I've wondered this too - do most people on mumsnet have parents that could afford to retire young, that also live close by?

Gobolino80 · 03/12/2023 00:37

I'm going to compress my hours into 4 days so that I can do 1 day of childcare for my DGS from February. I'm 43 so a young grandma, I might be able to do more childcare when the Great Grandchildren come along.

thaisweetchill · 03/12/2023 00:44

My mother hasn't worked for 15 years and my Nan hasn't worked since before she had my mom. I am very grateful as I know others are not this lucky. My late MIL would still be working though, although before she passed and my DS had just been born she was going to condense her days so she could provide childcare 1 day a week but unfortunately she passed before that could happen.

karnet · 03/12/2023 00:51

When I had my first dc my dad was 43. He hadn't worked for most of my life and was on incapacity benefit. He was already a ft carer for my (maternal) grandma when I had a baby, and he agreed to look after my dc as well. He used to do most school pickups and some overnight care. My mum was 40 and worked ft.

I didn't live near them when I had my dc but I was allocated a council house and did a housing exchange to move closer to them. They live in central London.

Conkersinautumn · 03/12/2023 07:26

Certainly I only know gp who provide childcare that are very very local to their children (both GPS in question living on my street, having children living within the same small town). Which I imagine must be quite unusual. Certainly none of my friends live anywhere near their parents, bar one who has taken early retirement and moved 200 miles to be close to her mother, doesn't need childcare.