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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder about working grandparents?

132 replies

mantyzer · 02/12/2023 19:40

It has always surprised me that so many people on here use grandparents for childcare. Don't they work? My parents and in-laws were still working full-time when our children were young. They could only have helped with childcare if we paid them so they could pay their own bills.

So those with grandparents providing childcare, are they early retired, never worked, or did they have you older so they are now retired?

OP posts:
Spendonsend · 02/12/2023 20:18

My mum and parents in law retired at 60, which is when they became grandparents so they were not working but still young.

I think by 68, the new retirement age, they wouldnt have had the energy. Its amazing how much difference it makes.

RM2013 · 02/12/2023 20:18

My Dad retired at 64 so was at home when I had my DC. My Mum was part time (she didn’t retire until 70!!) so they helped with school runs when they could to help me out as I went back to uni to do a degree. DH’s parents were much older, lived 40 mins away and didn’t drive so childcare wasn’t an option.

Heatherbell1978 · 02/12/2023 20:18

Surely a lot depends on the age of the grandparent? Retirement age usually spans from 55 to 65 and probably up to 70. My DM was 64 when DS was born (I was 36) and pretty much chose to retire then so she could help (she enjoyed work and needed an excuse!). If I'd had children at 26 she wouldn't have been able to help.

Purplerain0505 · 02/12/2023 20:19

I know what you mean. My child’s grandparents have many years of work left in them, and the great grandparents have done their “bit” and are enjoying a quiet retirement. I’m always a bit surprised when I hear that grandparents do childcare.

Heatherbell1978 · 02/12/2023 20:21

Purplerain0505 · 02/12/2023 20:19

I know what you mean. My child’s grandparents have many years of work left in them, and the great grandparents have done their “bit” and are enjoying a quiet retirement. I’m always a bit surprised when I hear that grandparents do childcare.

If your parents gave plenty of working years left then presumably either them or you (or both) were reasonably young parents? I'm the opposite - all my friends parents do childcare but we all had children in our mid to late 30s so our parents are retired.

Purplerain0505 · 02/12/2023 20:25

We were in our late 20s but our parents and grandparents were only teenagers/very early 20s when they had kids. So yes, I guess we really notice the difference!

The plus side is that our child has 6 great grandparents still in good health and that’s pretty special. I do appreciate it.

NancyJoan · 02/12/2023 20:25

All GPs here were retired before DC were born. I wasn’t especially old when I had them. Not that anyone offered any childcare, and nor did I ask.

Original poster
mantyzer · 02/12/2023 20:26

My great grandparents died before I was born. Grandparents were very elderly and needed care themselves and parents were all still working full time.

OP posts:
SpringIntoChaos · 02/12/2023 20:27

I'd love to be able to help out with childcare for my grandchildren, but unfortunately I'm still working full time myself at 59...and can't even begin to think about cutting my hours 🤷‍♀️

As a single person and therefore the only bill payer, I'll be working (primary teacher) until I'm 67...much as that horrifies me, I have no choice 😬 My grandchildren will be in their teens by that point!

I'm actually really sad about this...it's not how I thought my life would turn out (divorced and renting!) My dream 20 years ago was to have been retired by 55 and supporting my children with their families. Ah well 🤷‍♀️

Motheranddaughter · 02/12/2023 20:27

My Dparents and my in-laws were retired but we still went for nursery for childcare
That just suited us
They all did babysitting to let us go out or if DC were too ll to go to childcare

Laughinglama · 02/12/2023 20:30

I also find it odd how many have grandparents that are fully retired and available for childcare. My circle of friends, family and majority of people I work with do not have this luxury. My parents had me in their early 20’s, husbands parents the same. We had ours mid/late 20s so on both sides they both have a good 10+ years left to work to get state pension

Dweetfidilove · 02/12/2023 20:31

My mom was working part-time/ad-hoc when her grandchildren came around, so she did childcare.

My dad is self-employed, so she put him on pick up duty during the winter months.

We were very fortunate!

Catlover1705 · 02/12/2023 20:32

My husband is 59 and semi retired, he does a lot of childcare. I plan to take early retirement at 58 so I can look after our youngest grandchild who starts school next year. Both our daughters work full time.

WingingIt101 · 02/12/2023 20:33

My parents are semi retired so work two days a week. They were clear when the did this that it was to offer us one day a week childcare if we wanted it when children came along.

I compressed my hours to cover one day a week, mum and dad do another day then we pay for three days of childcare.

But the reason my parents are able to help us is:

Dad did 44 years in the police. So he received his commutation (lump sum payout) at 30 years service which enabled them to pay off the mortgage on a london family home, then he continued in the force as a civilian officer whilst also claiming his police pension and being mortgage free so was able to save well. Then they downsized and moved to near us where property values are 30% less than London so released equity. And now the two days a week they each work is to keep them busy and cover the bills so their pensions and the money in the bank builds / is for holidays etc. they have worked extremely hard for this and made many sacrifices over the years - we had many christmases where dad wasn't there because he was working, he wasn't able to make school plays etc.

Now in their early 60s they are an absolute godsend and I don't know where we would be without them. I count my lucky stars that they are around the corner, and kind enough to do that day a week for us, and if we needed extra help and they can do it then they do - eg one of the kids is off sick / we want to go out as a couple / we are invited to a wedding which means being away for a weekend etc. if they are available they are there like a shot and my kids adore them.

PIL however have not had the same hand of cards dealt and cannot support in the same way - health, finance and geography all being reason enough on their own let alone together.

i hope very much that in 20/30 years if my children have children and they want my help that ill be in the position my parents are so that i can do it

WillowCraft · 02/12/2023 20:35

A lot work part time or retire early. Or do shifts. Parents also work part time or shifts. I know a lot of grandparents who do.some regular childcare but I don't know any who do full time Mon to Fri type childcare. It's usually 1 or 2 days a week. If each parent takes a day off in the week that only leaves 3 days to cover. If grandparents are old enough to be retired (over 68) they are probably going to be too old to do full time childcare anyway.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 02/12/2023 20:35

My parents are both 73 and still work part time, I wonder about this as well.

BurbageBrook · 02/12/2023 20:36

I'm very lucky my mum was a SAHM so she can help provide childcare now. My DH's parents also retired early but live too far away to help.

Fernsfernsferns · 02/12/2023 20:37

Laughinglama · 02/12/2023 20:30

I also find it odd how many have grandparents that are fully retired and available for childcare. My circle of friends, family and majority of people I work with do not have this luxury. My parents had me in their early 20’s, husbands parents the same. We had ours mid/late 20s so on both sides they both have a good 10+ years left to work to get state pension

This is just variable though.

my mum had me at 32, and I had my first at 35.

so she was late sixties and had been retired for several years before grandchildren.

she didn’t do any childcare though.

DHs parents were into their 70s but lived too far away (and had old fashioned ideas like best to smack them to show them who’s boss).

the stats say the higher the level of educational achievement the later on average you have your first baby.

age of first baby in London is now over 30.

whats ‘normal’ varies hugely between different social groups

pumpkinfarm · 02/12/2023 20:41

Maybe it depends on the part of the country? My parents had me early 30s, I had my DC at 35, so grandparents 67-ish when first grandchild born. My DH parents are a simular age.

People are having kids later.

(We don't get a lot of childcare help despite this availability but that's another thread!)

KevinDeBrioche · 02/12/2023 20:42

My mum was 30 when she had me and worked until 74. My dad retired early but doesn’t have the patience to care for young children and I would never have left my kids in his sole care, ever. ILs have busy lives and live far away. We’ve never had GPs as childcare.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 02/12/2023 20:44

I had my first DC at 28, they had their first DC at 34, so neither of us particularly old.
I had a job in education and could have retired at 60, but carried on until 62 and then started supporting my DD through a very challenging first year of motherhood.
Since then I've done regular childcare for two of my DC - almost full time at some points - and have loved it. I see all my DGC on at least two days a week, usually just for before and after school care, and love the close relationship I have with them all.

DappledThings · 02/12/2023 20:45

Grandparents were all aged 64-72 when we had DC1 and all retired. If we become grandparents I expect we will be mid to late 60s at least and close to retirement.

Any one becoming a parent under 30 and therefore a grandparent under 60 is notably young to me.

ellie09 · 02/12/2023 20:45

My mum works part time 24 hours and is a director of a company. She will help with childcare on Mondays if I am really stuck. Step dad has lots of health issues so cant really depend on him as would be unfair.

His other granny (ex MIL) is retired but wants little to do with him day to day. If I am really stuck or its planned in advance with school holidays etc she will agree. She is getting old though (early 70s) and DS has ADHD and autism, so I try to avoid it.

My mum has made it very clear that she will not be helping out when she retires.

My own grandmother and grandad went above and beyond. They picked us up from school, fed us dinner and did homework. They kept us every Friday night for sleepover without fail.

I had a very close relationship with my grandmother and a close one still with my grandad (my granny died 10 years ago).

I do think the bond isnt as strong when there isnt as big involvement. I considered my grandparents as my second mum and dad, my granny was my rock and I had a complete breakdown when she died of cancer.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 02/12/2023 20:46

My mum looks after my sibling’s children, she retired at 60 a good 5 years before the first was born. My mum had us all in her 30s and none of my siblings had children until they were also in their 30s.

toolate2 · 02/12/2023 20:49

I am 58 and retired. I look after my granddaughter 4 days a week. I also look after my elderly parents. I live on my own and don’t spend money on any luxuries or holidays other than the odd short break in this country. Happy to help out, it’s far more rewarding than working for money.