Why do complete strangers treat me like I'm something I stepped on?

[Somersby12]

Just feeling upset after what was supposed to be a lovely night out visiting Father Christmas with dh & the kids..
It was sort of a wierd communal seating area with the food trucks at the event.. We found a seat & I went up to a van to get pizza. We were nearly finished when a man came over shouting to us to leave our seat as we hadn't bought it at his van.. I said the seat next to us also have pizza from x van, why aren't you shouting at them? He said it's my premises & you're eating food at my seats that weren't bought at my business. My little girl started crying so we just left feeling very embarrassed. He never challenged the other family
I feel so low as this sort of thing always happens me despite being friendly & always trying my best. Very upset here.

I realise that it’s your anxiety doing this, but you’re focussing on the wrong thing. You made a mistake, you were asked to move. The way he spoke to the other people is irrelevant (not least because anxiety will skew your perception of how he spoke to you and them).

People make mistakes, because they’re human. You did. The server you referred to did. Your fight and flight response is kicking in and you’re getting into the defensive position. I know people hate it when someone asks this on a thread but are you accessing help for this? Contact your local IAPT / talking therapies service. It’s exactly this sort of thing they’re set up for

Are you having any treatment for your anxiety OP? You sound like my sister in law. She just goes to pieces if she’s in that kind of situation. She did a trial session at a gym once and cut her leg on a machine, then literally ran away without telling anyone. She dropped a bottle of baby food in a shop, which smashed and made a mess, and was hyperventilating with stress at someone having to clean it up. I was with her that time and her reaction was not rational at all, complete over reaction.

these things happen. we all go through life making mistakes, sitting in the wrong place, breaking things by accident from time to time. If someone is an arsehole to me about it, then that’s on them - not me.

OP, it sounds like you would massively benefit from some CBT. You are displaying clear symptoms of disordered thinking (not a criticism, I used to until I had CBT and it was a real eye opener). Phrases like 'This sort of thing only ever happens to me.' And why are strangers always rude/mean to me, treat me like dirt ?etc.

Rationally you know that strangers are also sometimes very nice to you, that far, far, FAR worse things are done by strangers to people who have done nothing to deserve it, the world over, from Gaza hostages to refugees in 'camps' here in UK, and that in comparison, strangers are pretty neutral with you. But when we have confirmation bias, it's hard to accept this.

Can I recommend a really fun exercise? Buy a small notebook or open a page on your phone or your laptop and keep a record of every time a stranger is nice to you. From the cashier who smiles and says 'have a nice day' to the person who says 'after you' as you enter a shop, to the passerby who says, 'Morning!' For now, ignore the evidence to the contrary , even if there is plenty of it, and only write down evidence that proves strangers are sometimes nice.

Start doing this and something weird happens. People get nicer to you. When I kept a record, it had things in it like, cashiers giving me free bunches of my favourite flowers (by chance) and free chocolate, just because I'd had to change till queue. Or strangers saying they liked my coat or my dress. It's a really uplifting and empowering game to play with yourself.

Yes that’s true most people are nice but the unpleasant ones do stick in your mind.

Honestly op don’t let it get to you. I just politely defend myself , laugh and eye roll. But then I don’t have anxiety and I’m not actually particularly meek. I think I have a “nice” face so the (usually elderly) bossy shouters feel safe that I won’t bite back,

There's always going to be shitty angry men in this world. They will pick on people they feel are weaker than them but the problem is them not you.

In these situations I just think how pathetic that this grown man has lost his temper over something so simple. How silly that he cares so much about his seating but hasn't thought to put a sign up. He's made it to this ripe old age and still hasn't learned he can just ask people to move

Rephrase these interactions in your head.

You do realise that this exact scenario has probably happened to everyone on MN at once in their lives? 'It only happens to me, sob sob' is all about your attitude and perception and zero to do with being 'picked on' more than anyone else.

Your victim mentality is really grating. Are you really negative about other aspects of your life too? I actually feel quite sorry for your daughter who will grow up with a massive victim complex too unless you start modelling positive assertive behaviour to her.

Some excellent advice on here for me to process. Thank you especially for the & understanding comments.

Great idea from @TotalOverhaul

Yes. I'm going to try this. Thank you @TotalOverhaul, I have a very nice journal I had been meaning to use but never really got around to it. I'm going to start today.

OP, you’ve had some harsh responses here.

Yes I think objectively you possibly over reacted, but clearly you have some serious social anxiety and maybe other things at play.

Obviously he shouldn’t have shouted at you, he’s a prick- but sometimes in life you will encounter pricks. You need to find better ways of dealing with situations like that or you’re going to project onto your daughter and she may end up the same way. Clearly, she’s already picking up on it.

You have a very “woe is me” view about how everyone treats you badly and overlooks you- but honestly the more you think this the more it will happen, as you will continue to blow small meaningless interactions out of proportion. The waitress serving another table first is definitely annoying but it isn’t because she hates you or doesn’t care about you, it’s probably because she was busy and didn’t notice who had sat down first or second. Kindly, not everything is about you.

The suggestion of CBT is a good one. This doesn’t have to be something that just happens to you and you feel glum about- you have agency over your own life and you can take control of it.

OP if (as you now suspect) you have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, then this thread will have upset you very much, because people just tell you to grow a backbone.

I would have hidden the thread ages ago myself.

You're very brave to still be posting.

I hope this is useful - it's sad to see in people - my SIL suffers from this. A while ago we were in a Wetherspoons in a city around lunchtime (I know, IABU!). Anyway, we have a two year old who was wandering around - and one man said a little gruffly "it's not a creche". And so, fair enough I thought - different people react differently to children, and so we need to stop our two year old walking about. My SIL couldn't get over it - she was muttering under her breath about it, telling her children about the very rude man.

The point, is as I'm glad you recognise, is that every day, we face social situations and potential conflicts. How we respond to them (externally AND internally) can really change how we see these events.

I'm a firm believer that people treat you the way you let them treat you. I see that it wasn't just this incidence but a pattern that makes you feel insignificant and unseen. If you hate confrontation, it is hard to speak up when you need to. But if you don't, what reason do people have to stop passing you over? You also want to model good communication skills to your children too. Sounds like now is a great time to learn some skills to help you speak out and to teach them to the kiddos, too.

In pizza guys case, you can't control his initial interaction (loud and yelling). However, you can calmly say, "Our apologies. We did not realize these tables were solely yours. Perhaps a sign or better way to communicate this to patrons would prevent this from happening to you again?"- (And, if you want to be extra snarky :-)-"I'd also caution you might lower your voice if you don't want to run all your customers off".

Love this.

I am normally A though usually minus the free pizza 🤣

I was A as a young woman but as I get older definitely B delivered in firm tone.

They do it because they know they can get away with it as you are a woman and I bet look “nice” gentle middle class etc so you won’t knife them or punch them in the face in response.

It’s like the teacher at school who would aggressively tell off the mild swotty kids for every minor infraction yet ignore the properly bad behaviour from the scary bad kids at the back of the class.

Thank you again to everyone who took the time to reply.

I think the example of the shouting man here is irrelevant. OP says she feels that most people treat and talk to her like dirt - most of the replies on here are unkind and dismissive, along with a good helping of attacking her character. I think we have an answer - OP, no you are NOT being unreasonable to feel that that people treat you poorly!