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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do complete strangers treat me like I'm something I stepped on?

117 replies

Somersby12 · 02/12/2023 18:04

Just feeling upset after what was supposed to be a lovely night out visiting Father Christmas with dh & the kids..
It was sort of a wierd communal seating area with the food trucks at the event.. We found a seat & I went up to a van to get pizza. We were nearly finished when a man came over shouting to us to leave our seat as we hadn't bought it at his van.. I said the seat next to us also have pizza from x van, why aren't you shouting at them? He said it's my premises & you're eating food at my seats that weren't bought at my business. My little girl started crying so we just left feeling very embarrassed. He never challenged the other family
I feel so low as this sort of thing always happens me despite being friendly & always trying my best. Very upset here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Somersby12 · 03/12/2023 01:18

AirFryerFrequentFlyer · 03/12/2023 01:08

There are many many arseholes in the world and we do all encounter them, but how we react and how much we let it affect us depends on us. The

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Yes I know. I think it's me as well, I'm socially awkward, bad at picking up social queues & I can't read a room.
I'm mid 40s & I really envy women my own age who are so together socially.

OP posts:
BlueEyedPeanut · 03/12/2023 01:28

Somersby12 · 03/12/2023 01:16

There was no signage & to us it appeared to be communal seating as all the food trucks were in the one area. We saw another family with pizza & assumed it was OK to sit there.

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Yes, so it probably happens to him a lot. That doesn't change the fact that when you were informed you were wrong to sit there you still argued with him and tried to throw other people under the bus too.

BlueEyedPeanut · 03/12/2023 01:31

If you often argue with people when you are in the wrong, then yes it probably is you.

GladioliandSweetPeas · 03/12/2023 01:47

monicagellerbing · 02/12/2023 18:33

I get people speaking to me like this more often than my non fat friends. Any chance you're fat OP? I find being fat attracts people who think they can treat you like shit

Yep! Same here! My tiny, petite mother firmly believes I'm imagining it

Original poster
Somersby12 · 03/12/2023 01:50

I'm not fat as such, top heavy perhaps but I am average height 5ft4

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 03/12/2023 01:53

Somersby12 · 02/12/2023 19:06

To be honest this happens me so much! I often feel like I can do nothing right.

@Somersby12 There HAS to be a reason for this.
Is it that you argue back? or push in, or do something else that draws negative attention from other people?

If you can try and analyse what happens before someone else butts in, then you can take steps to pre-empt it happening again.

If the man had provided seating for his customers only, then I can see why he might have been annoyed, especially if there wasn't room for other people to sit at the tables.

It's unusual for someone to shout, which makes me wonder if you argued the toss with him?

It has to be something that is 'triggering' other people for this to be happening frequently.

oakleaffy · 03/12/2023 02:00

As others have pointed out it’s your framing that is off. Some people are arses. A bloke walked into me the other day on purpose - meh what a twat - pure loser. Doesn’t reflect on me

I too have twice have had older men shoulder slam me on purpose -
The last time {This summer} I followed him and said ''Just because you have a limp dick, don't take it out on women , you coward!''

I was so angry!
He looked surprised and scuttled off like the rat he was.

LittleGreenDragons · 03/12/2023 02:02

We were nearly finished when a man came over shouting to us to leave our seat as we hadn't bought it at his van.

Did he shout before or after you refused to move? Because later on you stated he asked you twice.

Original poster
Somersby12 · 03/12/2023 02:04

It's even something as simple as being skipped over. My elderly mum & I went for lunch last week, we were seated, decided on our food & waited to be served but the waitress went to serve the table that arrived in after us.. I just feel so insignificant things like this always happen me

OP posts:
Original poster
Somersby12 · 03/12/2023 02:07

He shouted both times. The first time when he approached us & we pointed out another family had pizza in his area & the second time after he had gone over to them with a much better attitude he came back to us shouting at us to stand up & leave..

OP posts:
Turquoisa80 · 03/12/2023 02:13

The guy was rude and you should leave a negative review and email the organisers, if his customer service is poor than so is his food( I think it will make you fell better). I agree with other posts saying they reframe the situation, ask for clarification and stay calm. Meditation and yoga can help to become non reactive to negativity. Also people on general seem more angry and impatient, so it's better to become more more thick skinned unfortunately.

LittleGreenDragons · 03/12/2023 02:16

Well...if a fast food owner had shouted at me to leave his table i wouldn't have refused. You were basically asking to be shouted at a second time, which he did, and that's why your daughter cried and said the trip was ruined. Own your mistakes, learn from them, and maybe stuff like this will stop happening.

Muthaofcats · 03/12/2023 02:23

If things like this are ‘always happening to you’, and you’re always being ‘targeted’ then unless you’re thinking it’s sone physical external feature that people are discriminating against (like race or religion or disability etc), then I’m going to gently put it out there that this is possibly a YOU problem. Either the way you interact is off, or the way you perceive others intentions etc . Have you considered therapy??

TheaBrandt · 03/12/2023 02:29

Urgh sympathy op I am also someone strangers seem to feel confident about shouting at. Standing joke in our family that it’s not a family day out unless some random has told me off. During covid was the worst. Elderly people yelling at you for simply walking down the street.

Original poster
Somersby12 · 03/12/2023 02:34

TheaBrandt · 03/12/2023 02:29

Urgh sympathy op I am also someone strangers seem to feel confident about shouting at. Standing joke in our family that it’s not a family day out unless some random has told me off. During covid was the worst. Elderly people yelling at you for simply walking down the street.

You sound like me all over!

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 03/12/2023 02:37

peachgreen · 02/12/2023 18:10

Sounds unpleasant for sure. But I think with kids they look to you for your reaction to decide how they should react. So if you’d cheerily said “sorry, I assumed they were for everyone, never mind!” and been blasé in the face of his rudeness and aggression, your DD would have thought nothing of it and it wouldn’t have spoiled her evening.

This, we don't live in a bubble where nothing unexpected or unpleasant so the way to handle it is in our control

GreenCarrot · 03/12/2023 03:19

Urgh. Op I relate. Regardless of what people say, it really isn't a 'you ' problem per se, it's your anxiety and vulnerability that you are unconsciously showing in your interactions with others. I had something similar happen to me today where I was humiliated in a shop by the manager for pointing out a product was broken that I wanted to buy. Rather than admitting I was correct they chastised me in front of a queue of people who then turned on me for holding them up! I too suffer with anxiety and so for me to even mention there was a problem in the first place took an awful lot out of me, only to then have it switched so I was the trouble maker customer was horrendous. So much so I'm still dwelling on it at this late hour! anyhow, my point being for people like us out lack of confidence is evident - and There are groups of people that will seize upon that and take out there shitty moods on us. I'm really trying to address it, as someone who has been conflict averse their entire life, I can't keep lying down and taking it. So even the fact that you said something back to the manager today was a start. Some of the advice on here with things to say in the moment is really useful and I'll be practicing responses! I think for me though, I freeze in that moment and I can feel the panic rising in my body and my face burning so I can't think of the right push back reply at that time. I end up feeling utterly ashamed that a woman in her 40s still hasn't got to grips with managing confrontation, but I'm going to keep on trying I hope you do too.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 03/12/2023 03:45

StockpotSoup · 03/12/2023 00:24

And what do you think the response will be? “OMG, how dare he tell people to move from his seating area just because they’re not his customers?!?!”

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Yeah, 'cause there aren't any signs and he could have asked and not berated the family ffs.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 03/12/2023 03:50

Somersby12 · 02/12/2023 18:16

My husband was there too & we said no initially but he went & came back two minutes later saying "you need to leave now. You didn't purchase food at my van".. Dd started crying so we just left. He had half heartily said it to the other family but targeted us

Reading your posts I wouldn't be surprised if he was the same to the other group but you perceived it to be worse for you. I agree with other posters that don't let your insecurities rub off on your daughter, there was no need for her to cry that seems like a huge overreaction. Probably complain to the organisers, I understand if the seating was only for that specific food truck thats fairly standard, but there probably needs to be signage or something to make it clearer. Personally I would've just apologised and moved.

CarpetDiem · 03/12/2023 03:55

You sound like you have a victim mentality OP. In this instance you were actually in the wrong- he asked you to move, you said no & then he started shouting.
Take responsibility, it’s empowering, if a similar situation were to happen again- apologise, ‘I’m so sorry, I did not realise it was your seating, can we finish our pizza or should I buy something from your van?’ This Will disarm IME.

Annahh · 03/12/2023 04:07

I would've said

'Oh I'm sorry, I didn't see the sign to say it's allocated seating, where is it?'

I don't think I've ever been targeted however I have been In similar situations to this you describe.

My partner would have felt like you and often says 'why me' whereas I explain it's not that, it's the perception of ourselves.

widowtwankywashroom · 03/12/2023 06:09

It is quite clear on here, you have a victim mentality, that you are passing on to your daughter!
You see everyday normal interactions as something bigger!

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/12/2023 07:11

Somersby12 · 03/12/2023 00:57

I absolutely have adhd traits. I'm undiagnosed but that really resonated with me & describes me to a t

Show quote history

It also resonated with me. I have burst into tears in the past from being overlooked. Therapy helped a lot.

CaptainMyCaptain · 03/12/2023 07:30

CalistoNoSolo · 02/12/2023 18:20

So in fact the shouty man asked the other lot to leave too? You really need to reframe how your perceive these kind of interactions. We all come across random shitty people but most of us just shrug and get on with our days.

This. You over reacted.

LolaSmiles · 03/12/2023 07:40

If things like this are ‘always happening to you’, and you’re always being ‘targeted’ then unless you’re thinking it’s sone physical external feature that people are discriminating against (like race or religion or disability etc), then I’m going to gently put it out there that this is possibly a YOU problem. Either the way you interact is off, or the way you perceive others intentions etc . Have you considered therapy??
I'd agree with this.
We all encounter garden variety arseholes in life, but if someone says they're always having those interactions and always been targeted then it suggests there's something in either the way they interact or how they perceive events.