DH's colleague is victim of sexual harassment and she told him

Leafysuburb · 02/12/2023 06:11

Yabu but I can see how you got there. I think the best medicine for this is getting out and doing your own thing, even if that's a walk with an audiobook regularly so you're not obsessing about what he's doing.

Shoxfordian · 02/12/2023 06:11

Yabu to think he hasn't already noticed she's attractive regardless of this situation- what can you do to feel better about yourself and improve your self esteem?

orangegato · 02/12/2023 06:11

Your insecurity is making you unhinged. Her being harassed isn’t an attempt to pull your husband. Work on your self esteem.

Original poster

moijejoue · 02/12/2023 06:14

orangegato · 02/12/2023 06:11

Your insecurity is making you unhinged. Her being harassed isn’t an attempt to pull your husband. Work on your self esteem.

I have a really awful tendency to be like this. I hate that about me.

I know she isn't at all doing that on purpose and the thought has never crossed her mind. I just feel like it's DH who will somewhere think like that

OP posts:

Original poster

moijejoue · 02/12/2023 06:16

Shoxfordian · 02/12/2023 06:11

Yabu to think he hasn't already noticed she's attractive regardless of this situation- what can you do to feel better about yourself and improve your self esteem?

Actually in the past he's organised her birthday stuff at work... When he is notoriously rubbish at planning stuff ahead for us. He said he was just being political as he is new to the team and wants to be liked

Edit: and it's sort of from then I've been a bit a wary about it

OP posts:

Notfeelinghunkydory · 02/12/2023 06:16

A man like that will sexual harass any woman. Looks don't come into it. It's all about power and control to them. Not all women who are sexually assaulted look like supermodels.

HappiestSleeping · 02/12/2023 06:18

Another perspective might be that he shared all this with you, so there is nothing to worry about. Also, it sounds as though part of this business trip is to visit this particular client, so this lady has shared a particular need in advance of that meeting with her co-worker who is ideally placed to help her avoid unwanted attention. Again, nothing to worry about there.

I agree that their manager should be informed, although he should encourage her to do so, going with her if necessary.

Original poster

moijejoue · 02/12/2023 06:22

HappiestSleeping · 02/12/2023 06:18

Another perspective might be that he shared all this with you, so there is nothing to worry about. Also, it sounds as though part of this business trip is to visit this particular client, so this lady has shared a particular need in advance of that meeting with her co-worker who is ideally placed to help her avoid unwanted attention. Again, nothing to worry about there.

I agree that their manager should be informed, although he should encourage her to do so, going with her if necessary.

I agree. I can completely see that is the actual reason she did it.

I think she was quite explicitly in how she described it. Like the man will put his arm around around her shoulders and be a bit close to her boob or linger very near her lips if going in for a cheek kiss etc.

Why should he encourage the colleague to do it by the way? Rather than let his boss just know what she said?

Me being unhinged just wants to minimise any non-work.chat between the two

OP posts:

MilkChocolateCookie · 02/12/2023 06:23

YANBU to feel nervous about an attractive colleague when you're feeling insecure about yourself. That's only human.

But YABU to blame her for disclosing sexual harassment because it "makes DH think she is attractive".

Ignore her and work on your marriage. I've been in a similar position (two tiny DC, DH working long hours with a very slim and attractive colleague) so I understand, but I think you need to trust him (unless he is doing anything suspicious) and try to improve your own self esteem. For me it was all fine in the end - no affair (as far as I know!) and DH and I are still happily married.

Kinneddar · 02/12/2023 06:24

YABU it must have been difficult for her to tell your husband. She obviously trusts him & needs the support when their client is around. Really not sure what the relevance is though of her 'lovely blonde hair'

Finlesswonder · 02/12/2023 06:24

I disagree with PPs, I think some women do and can operate exactly as you have described OP, it would be naive to overlook that

pickledandpuzzled · 02/12/2023 06:27

There’s only one thing in this situation that you can control. Focus on that!

You.

save the energy you waste worrying about them. Leave them to it, work on feeling strong and independent, find your inner strength.
What will be will be, and you’ll feel better whatever happens, if you are strong.

Original poster

moijejoue · 02/12/2023 06:31

Kinneddar · 02/12/2023 06:24

YABU it must have been difficult for her to tell your husband. She obviously trusts him & needs the support when their client is around. Really not sure what the relevance is though of her 'lovely blonde hair'

Just that she is beautiful.

If I'm being nice, DH is old fashioned. If I'm being rude, he has been misogynistic and said inappropriate things about women himself eg. In a previous workplace his male colleagues (and him) used the word "office hot" for women meaning someone is good looking for the people in their office but not if you saw her outside the office....

OP posts:

HappiestSleeping · 02/12/2023 06:36

moijejoue · 02/12/2023 06:22

I agree. I can completely see that is the actual reason she did it.

I think she was quite explicitly in how she described it. Like the man will put his arm around around her shoulders and be a bit close to her boob or linger very near her lips if going in for a cheek kiss etc.

Why should he encourage the colleague to do it by the way? Rather than let his boss just know what she said?

Me being unhinged just wants to minimise any non-work.chat between the two

Show quote history

Only from the perspective that it (unfortunately) carries more weight if she reports it herself. Their line manager is unlikely to be able to do anything about it if it is reported 'second hand'. The manager would only have to interview her anyway to get her account.

LickleLamb · 02/12/2023 06:44

Surely DH could go on his own to see handsy client. Or his colleague could take DH with her when she sees client.
Surely colleague could explain situation to her boss and that she doesn't want the company's relationship with client be threatened when she rebuffs advances of client and a man could go.
All sounds a bit odd. Sees fixable to me.

GimpMasksAndWagonWheels · 02/12/2023 07:26

I have come across many a handsy client, my industry is sadly notorious for it. I've warned other colleagues (I work mostly with men) that with certain clients, look out for it and I may be using you as a buffer. That's not me coming on to them, and neither do they take it that way.

The handsy clients are also not doing it because I'm hot... so very far from it 😂 I'm just a female who happens to be there.

GimpMasksAndWagonWheels · 02/12/2023 07:29

LickleLamb · 02/12/2023 06:44

Surely DH could go on his own to see handsy client. Or his colleague could take DH with her when she sees client.
Surely colleague could explain situation to her boss and that she doesn't want the company's relationship with client be threatened when she rebuffs advances of client and a man could go.
All sounds a bit odd. Sees fixable to me.

And then the colleague misses out on commissions from that client / sale. Misses her targets, misses promotions from not hitting targets... Obviously a simplified trajectory but you can see how it puts a woman on the back foot.

It's not right, but if you want to get on, sometimes you have to just manage the situation you're in.

everythingthelighttouches · 02/12/2023 07:50

I think there are two, unrelated issues here.
1 Your husband’s colleague needs to report sexual harassment to her line manager. Otherwise this is (as far as we know) just shared between her and your DH. He can look out for her, report it if he sees it himself but I think it shouldn’t be his responsibility to tell the line manager.

2 I think you are picking up on the fact that your husband is attracted to this woman. Has he arranged birthday gifts etc. for other colleagues? I suppose the reason you know she is attractive is because he told you so?

Maybe he speaks about her in the same way as he does other colleagues or

does he have mentionitis? (Keeps mentioning her a lot?

This doesn’t mean he’s going to act on it (or indeed that she would even be vaguely interested).

I do agree with other posters that you should focus on yourself as this is what you can control at the moment. I’m sure you are attractive yourself but just not feeling your best right now and suffering from low self esteem.

Patcherdog · 02/12/2023 07:57

I understand how you might feel this way. Take care xx

VoiceOfCommonSense · 02/12/2023 08:15

moijejoue · 02/12/2023 06:08

DH has a new job and is crudely speaking a travelling salesman. Him and his colleagues get paired up to go round visiting their clients all over the world. Recently on a trip, a colleague (15 years younger than him, lovely long blond hair) told him a client gets handy when he's drunk. She said she would like to leave before the client gets to that level. DH was telling me that he should probably let their line manager know. I feel sorry she's experiencing something so horrible. .now the AIBU part. I have a tin voice in the back of my head saying:
Psychologically, men (DH) feel good about themselves being in a capacity where they have to protect a woman (his colleague) and the colleague's situation also lets him know she is good looking and so much so that men can't help but get handsy with her.

I am at my absolute rock bottom right now. I am 8 months postpartum. I look the worst I've ever looked, I am the heaviest I've ever been, I've had the other end of the scale of DH's colleague and people call me fat in public. DH is far better looking than I am. I really feel he settled for me because we're sadly from a culture where being divorced is looked unkindly on and he is divorced. At my lowest I can convince myself he could do so much better than me.

DH and I haven't been getting on great lately. We have a week where we are very good and then a week where we have fought. I just feel we're on shaky ground although he doesn't think so.

AIBU to feel nervous about DH's colleague and her unintentionally making DH think she's attractive.

Yeah what a cheeky cow to tell your husband about how she’s being sexually harassed just so he will find her more attractive. Some people have no shame..

gannett · 02/12/2023 08:18

Quite a lot going on here.

I'm actually quite shocked to open this thread and find that the OP's reaction to another woman experiencing sexual harassment is to make it all about her. She's the one in an awful situation right now, regardless of her long blonde hair.

OP's husband also has a professional dilemma on his hands (presumably he told the OP because this is weighing on his mind). He knows he should escalate this to their manager but she wants it to be handled discreetly. He needs to encourage her to make the complaint official while respecting her right not to do so.

It's a good reflection on him that she told him, by the way. When you're being harassed it's very easy to think no one - especially other men - will believe you; or that it's your fault for misreading the situation; or that the company will side with the client who's bringing money in; or, for that matter, that people will see your long blonde hair and assume you must be out to seduce every man you meet.

More generally it's very unhealthy to get your hackles up every time an attractive woman interacts with your husband. Yes, he's probably noticed she's attractive. I notice attractive men who are not DP all the time, it's what humans do. There's no question of doing anything about it though. The vast majority of people are capable of noticing someone's attractive but remaining faithful to their partner.

I would be concerned about your husband's previous misogynistic remarks (though if he's planning to support this woman his actions are at least decent).

WandaWonder · 02/12/2023 08:23

She needs to report this, stop making this about you but I would also be telling my husband not to share personal things like this with with me it is none of my business

I mean that in support of the person, their personal stuff does not need to to anyone not relevant to it

Daffodilsandtuplips · 02/12/2023 08:23

The colleague should tell the line manager herself. There’s an awful lot of assumptions here. Has she asked your DH to report to them? From what you’ve said she told him she wanted them both to manage the situation, engineer it so the deal is done before Mr Handy is several sheets to the wind and ready to move in. DH needs to listen to her and take his lead from her. She hadn’t asked him to do anything else.
You’re assuming he finds her attractive but would she be attracted to him?

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 02/12/2023 08:24

I can understand why you feel like this, but ultimately you're conflating completely different things. Whatever the woman’s intentions in choosing your dh to tell about the sexual harassment, and the detail in which she told him, it won't have caused a sudden revelation about her attractiveness. This incident is separate from the issues in your relationship. Trying to control your husband's relationships with colleagues will only make you come across as unreasonable and paranoid, and will drive you further apart.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 02/12/2023 08:29

The way you have described your husband, he sounds like a bit of a pig, so even if he fancies this beautiful long blonde haired woman, I highly doubt the feeling is mutual.

Work on yourself.