Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's colleague is victim of sexual harassment and she told him

77 replies

moijejoue · 02/12/2023 06:08

DH has a new job and is crudely speaking a travelling salesman. Him and his colleagues get paired up to go round visiting their clients all over the world. Recently on a trip, a colleague (15 years younger than him, lovely long blond hair) told him a client gets handy when he's drunk. She said she would like to leave before the client gets to that level. DH was telling me that he should probably let their line manager know. I feel sorry she's experiencing something so horrible. .now the AIBU part. I have a tin voice in the back of my head saying:
Psychologically, men (DH) feel good about themselves being in a capacity where they have to protect a woman (his colleague) and the colleague's situation also lets him know she is good looking and so much so that men can't help but get handsy with her.

I am at my absolute rock bottom right now. I am 8 months postpartum. I look the worst I've ever looked, I am the heaviest I've ever been, I've had the other end of the scale of DH's colleague and people call me fat in public. DH is far better looking than I am. I really feel he settled for me because we're sadly from a culture where being divorced is looked unkindly on and he is divorced. At my lowest I can convince myself he could do so much better than me.

DH and I haven't been getting on great lately. We have a week where we are very good and then a week where we have fought. I just feel we're on shaky ground although he doesn't think so.

AIBU to feel nervous about DH's colleague and her unintentionally making DH think she's attractive.

OP posts:
RealBigBarbie · 02/12/2023 10:42

ALightOverThere · 02/12/2023 08:42

I’m sorry you’re feeling low but YABVVVU.

This colleague hasn’t told your husband about her harassment so he’ll think she’s beautiful. This is a really misogynistic line to take. She’s also not to blame for the fact that he’s a misogynist who rates women by their looks.

Work on your self-esteem. This might include addressing the fact that you’ve married a creep. None of that is the colleague’s fault.

!!!

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 02/12/2023 10:42

I'm really really sorry you feel this way especially if it's at that point where this type of issue now causes you paranoid thoughts.

Unfortunately you are probably doing more damage then his colleague if you hate yourself it shows in your looks and energy and over all desirability. I know it's easier said then done but the only thing you can control in this is what you do and I believe you need to work on your self esteem and get to a place where you feel confident and sexy so things like this aren't an issue to you

AnonyLonnymouse · 02/12/2023 10:44

It doesn’t sound like your DH is after her or anything - the birthday present sounds fairly innocent and part of the normal office environment. Lots of offices have traditions around birthdays etc.

It is also quite possible that she has been sexually harassed by a client - horrible - and has confided in your DH for his practical assistance when they are visiting. He needs to encourage her to also report this to HR, as soon as possible.

All of the above is probably true. But it is also true that there are women who actively seek older male attention via having lots of ‘issues’ and by playing up certain vulnerabilities. The ‘knight in shining armour’ is not a trope for nothing.

It really is too soon to tell. Just wait, observe and work positively on yourself and your marriage in the meantime.

RealBigBarbie · 02/12/2023 10:45

Finlesswonder · 02/12/2023 09:26

@Fluffysocksfluffyhat
Or you could just act like an adult and tell your manager about the client instead of roping a big strong man in to protect you from a big scary man?

But that’s not what she did, is it? She didn’t ‘rope a big strong man in to protect her.’ She gave him a legitimate reason as to why she’d like to leave before the client got drunk and handsy. Don’t let the truth change your narrative though

RealBigBarbie · 02/12/2023 10:46

Drhow · 02/12/2023 09:36

I really feel for you OP.

After I had my last child, I was the same as you. I was pregnant during the first lockdown so I gained a lot of weight because I was completely terrified to leave the house so I didn’t exercise at all and I was comfort eating. I was the heaviest I had ever been after he was born too and my self esteem was totally on the floor.

I then found out DH had been FB searching a new colleague who was slightly younger and attractive in a very different way to me (I’m half French so olive skin, dark hair, green eyes and she was blonde with blue eyes). He said she reminded him of his ex and he didn’t know why I did it, I was totally floored by it. Now seems like a slight overreaction on my part but I was totally devastated, I was crying for ages over it and it made me really down.

I lost all of the weight starting when DS was around 18 months and I’ve never regained it. I also went back to work when he was 2 and that helped my self esteem a lot, I don’t have the time to worry about DH and his colleagues anymore! I strongly suggest either returning to work soon or at least keeping yourself busy with other things so you’re not stewing on little things like this. Chances are nothing will happen but you can’t control it if it does and obviously if anything does, your marriage is over.

This isn’t even remotely similar to the OP😕

RealBigBarbie · 02/12/2023 10:49

moijejoue · 02/12/2023 10:14

I don't think she is after him. I don't think it was her intention to do that. It just gives me a horrible feeling of anxiety that DH might feel good about looking after her or something or she will be in his head now

Show quote history

If all it takes is for a woman to tell your DH that a client gets handy when drunk and she’d like to leave before he gets to that stafe, gives you a horrible feeling of anxiety because you think your husband may want to save the day, then you need to have a look at your marriage.

That has nothing to do with the colleague at all

GalileoHumpkins · 02/12/2023 10:50

You're blaming this woman for being sexually harassed and for the fact that your husband is a bit of a dick, unbelievable really.

BodyKeepingScore · 02/12/2023 10:54

YABU but you seem to recognise that you aren't in a good place yourself and this could be impacting your judgement. Women don't share tales of harassment so that they can lure other men in.

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 02/12/2023 10:55

Wow. You need help.

Lopil · 02/12/2023 11:10

She told him to explain why they will be leaving potentially before your husband would expect them to leave with a client. She might not be able to tell their line manager for all sorts of reasons.

You need to work on your self esteem but also despite your husbands supposed good looks, he’s sexist about women in his previous workplace and you think potentially a woman telling him she wants to leave before she’s sexually assaulted could be a turn on for him, if that is true, do you actually want to keep the relationship?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/12/2023 11:43

Your spider senses are up- you probably did sense he had a little ego boost. That doesn't mean anything in itself BUT if it keeps happening (he's her hero, she makes him feel all manly, and you don't) then that is often the situation that can slide into affair zone you're right.
Don't even try to compete with her (or anyone) about how she looks. Men have affairs with really quite unattractive women alll the time so it's not about that. But do remain aware of how you're making him
Feel.

Men love their egos being massaged with words of affirmation so a few (genuine) words of appreciation - ' I was telling my friends/family how much I admire you because.... ' ' that was so clever when you' ' you're so good at' 'thank you for...' 'I was so impressed when you...'
use these phrases where you can as IF she's a potential 'other woman' that's what she'll be doing.

What you DONT do is cry to him about how ugly and fat you feel. Call your friends or let us on MN know about that.

GalileoHumpkins · 02/12/2023 12:42

Men love their egos being massaged with words of affirmation so a few (genuine) words of appreciation - ' I was telling my friends/family how much I admire you because.... ' ' that was so clever when you' ' you're so good at' 'thank you for...' 'I was so impressed when you...'
use these phrases where you can as IF she's a potential 'other woman' that's what she'll be doing

Fuck me sideways 🙄

Mirabai · 02/12/2023 14:05

In this case I think it’s a moot point as to whether it’s “spidey senses” that are up or insecurity and anxiety.

fulawitt · 02/12/2023 14:13

Men lust after respect and admiration more than beauty. Just saying. If she is beautiful you would have noticed, why would he not notice her. Be of good courage OP and work on yourself. Today is Day 1, do something for you that will make you feel good. All the best OP.

ntmdino · 02/12/2023 14:15

There's one fundamental thing wrong with the train of thought in the OP - men don't actually think like that. The single biggest takeaway he'll have come away with is, "This is a really difficult minefield, there's no safe option and I don't know what to do". Man-logic is to fix the problem in front of him, as men are often criticised for on this very forum, and then do everything he can to avoid being on the other side of it for the duration of their work together.

There is no world in which a co-worker tells a man she's been sexually harassed by a client and he immediately jumps to, "Oh wow, she must be really desirable".

Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 14:17

I think you need to focus on yourself and what you can do to feel good about yourself again. The gym? Time with family/friend's without baby? Haircut? Read a book? Whatever makes you feel more like your old self.

Your thinking re the poor woman experiencing SA is being clouded by low self esteem and possible issues with your marriage. Give yourself time and when you're in a good headspace you can deal with the marriage issues which seem deeper than the attractive colleague.

What support do you have in real life to help with this?

Atethehalloweenchocs · 02/12/2023 14:28

Time for some work on self esteem I think - there are a lot of good self help books out there which you can access. Take care, hope you feel better soon.

gannett · 02/12/2023 14:38

ntmdino · 02/12/2023 14:15

There's one fundamental thing wrong with the train of thought in the OP - men don't actually think like that. The single biggest takeaway he'll have come away with is, "This is a really difficult minefield, there's no safe option and I don't know what to do". Man-logic is to fix the problem in front of him, as men are often criticised for on this very forum, and then do everything he can to avoid being on the other side of it for the duration of their work together.

There is no world in which a co-worker tells a man she's been sexually harassed by a client and he immediately jumps to, "Oh wow, she must be really desirable".

Most women don't think like that either, and women are perfectly capable of being logical problem-solvers.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 02/12/2023 14:45

AIBU to feel nervous about DH's colleague and her unintentionally making DH think she's attractive.
I only read the op and was going to say that is unhinged, but I see that has already been established.

your husband sounds dodgy as fuck.
you need professional counselling.

the woman who is being continually sexually harassed at work is AT ALL TIMES the victim here.

HerMammy · 02/12/2023 14:51

also lets him know she is good looking and so much so that men can't help but get handsy with her.
Really? who thinks this? awful attitude

Tileoh · 02/12/2023 14:58

So a woman is being sexually harrased at work and asked for help and you somehow make it about yourself?

PinkArt · 02/12/2023 15:20

the colleague's situation also lets him know she is good looking and so much so that men can't help but get handsy with her.
OP you've got some great advice here, but I think you really need to explore your internalised misogyny while you work through things. Men absolutely can help not sexually assaulting women at work. The men who can't are guilty or harassment, assault and rape. Victim blaming the colleague with the lovely blonde hair or any other victim for men's criminal behaviour is a dreadful thing to do. It suggests you think because she's attractive she is in some way 'asking for it'.

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 02/12/2023 15:57

I'm very confused reading your previous posts tbh.

Not having sex in almost 2 years won't be helping your self esteem
Was your baby an Ivf baby ?
You want couples counseling with him ?

But you also say through them you've done lots of self improvement and therapies so you should have the tools to get yourself feeling better. I think there's some major underlying issues here.

ntmdino · 02/12/2023 17:31

gannett · 02/12/2023 14:38

Most women don't think like that either, and women are perfectly capable of being logical problem-solvers.

Show quote history

I didn't say that women weren't capable of being logical problem-solvers at all. Where did you get that from?

I was just talking about the first instinct. I'm not really representative of all women (autistic), so I asked a few friends about this - both women said that they can absolutely understand and even endorse the OP's train of thought in being suspicious of everything other women do around their husbands (which, honestly, is just plain weird to me), but the guy had exactly the "fix what's in front of me" approach and didn't even occur to him that there might be anything else to it.

I can only go off that kind of advice. I can't honestly say I've ever encountered it before and I've certainly never thought anything of that kind.

poetryandwine · 02/12/2023 18:11

OP,

I have a lot of sympathy for you but I think you are probably your own worst enemy here. Could you have PND? Can you afford some counselling? When you feel better in your self I don’t think this will seem so bad.

I work in a male environment. If this woman wants the harassment to be taken seriously she must report it herself. If DH reports it for her she will be seen as weak , so this is a very bad idea.

You will need to stay alert to the possibility that DH is developing feelings but I don’t see it from snything you have said. And the most important thing is that feelings can be kept under control. Most marriages have weathered some infatuations, even very happy ones.