DH's colleague is victim of sexual harassment and she told him

[moijejoue]

DH has a new job and is crudely speaking a travelling salesman. Him and his colleagues get paired up to go round visiting their clients all over the world. Recently on a trip, a colleague (15 years younger than him, lovely long blond hair) told him a client gets handy when he's drunk. She said she would like to leave before the client gets to that level. DH was telling me that he should probably let their line manager know. I feel sorry she's experiencing something so horrible. .now the AIBU part. I have a tin voice in the back of my head saying:
Psychologically, men (DH) feel good about themselves being in a capacity where they have to protect a woman (his colleague) and the colleague's situation also lets him know she is good looking and so much so that men can't help but get handsy with her.

I am at my absolute rock bottom right now. I am 8 months postpartum. I look the worst I've ever looked, I am the heaviest I've ever been, I've had the other end of the scale of DH's colleague and people call me fat in public. DH is far better looking than I am. I really feel he settled for me because we're sadly from a culture where being divorced is looked unkindly on and he is divorced. At my lowest I can convince myself he could do so much better than me.

DH and I haven't been getting on great lately. We have a week where we are very good and then a week where we have fought. I just feel we're on shaky ground although he doesn't think so.

AIBU to feel nervous about DH's colleague and her unintentionally making DH think she's attractive.

Jesus, I thought that this was going to be about what your dh had to do to protect himself legally from the claim he ignored the issue - which I think is an issue and that he should consider it!

The poor woman is in a horrible situation and trying to deal with is as non-confrontationally as possible, and you think she's after your man?

Attractive professional women can't ever seem to win.

Also you say you fear your husband settled for you but are you sure you didn't settle for him? Because it doesn't sound like you like him?

I’m sorry you’re feeling low but YABVVVU.

This colleague hasn’t told your husband about her harassment so he’ll think she’s beautiful. This is a really misogynistic line to take. She’s also not to blame for the fact that he’s a misogynist who rates women by their looks.

Work on your self-esteem. This might include addressing the fact that you’ve married a creep. None of that is the colleague’s fault.

This is really very disturbing op. That you are so irrational. This woman is being sexually harassed and did the right thing in explaining this so he knew to leave. He either thinks she’s attractive or not. He’s eyes in his head. Telling him is not to make him think she’s attractive, that’s beyond ludicrous.

honestly I think you need help. This is all so irrational and unhealthy.

There is nothing you’ve said which makes me think he wants an affair with her.

The birthday gift he told you about. If she was at work on her birthday it may have been rubbish not to get your work partner something.

It’s normal to tell your trusted work partner about something like sexual harassment. Will prevent a repeat hopefully next time they see the client.

Your own insecurities are making you paranoid. It would help you to make a plan on how to get yourself happier. What would help? Wether that be exercise, zumber, couch to 5k or 10k steps daily, weight loss group, counselling, medication from GP, meditation or yoga for the mind, chatting to kind friends or supportive family, joining new baby groups, having childfree time, better sleep routines or online viewing, reading.

I feel sorry for the blonde who’s being sexually harassed, confides in a misogynist colleague with a wife with low self esteem who thinks she’s trying to pull him. Have you ever connected your low self esteem to your DH’s attitude to women??

I voted yabu but not in a mean way. These are separate issues.

Have you been looked at for PND? You sound very low & vulnerable, which is understandable! It happens & there's no shame in seeking support from your GP.

DH needs to talk to this woman about reporting the harassment, it's not acceptable at all. The chances are she's told him so he/others can be a buffer but women shouldn't have to put up with that. (my DH had a similar situation between colleagues though much more serious & it really traumatised him. The guy in question was actually a friend of ours - and a cunt, it turns out). But it's for her to report, not him. I didn't feel threatened at any point, I just felt fury & disgust & wanted to tear the guys head off myself. Feeling badly towards the girl wouldn't have been a normal or healthy reaction.

Finally - your DH sounds like he might be a little less of the D part :( and I'm sorry about that. Aside from your confidence & this situation, how happy are you?

Was about to say the same.

If I'm being nice, DH is old fashioned. If I'm being rude, he has been misogynistic and said inappropriate things about women himself eg. In a previous workplace his male colleagues (and him) used the word "office hot" for women meaning someone is good looking for the people in their office but not if you saw her outside the office....

Ugh. I hate that she has confided in a colleague she presumably thinks is a kind and professional man, not knowing he himself is a misogynistic prick.

Poor woman seeking support and not realising he's the kind of bloke who would never challenge a man who told him behind her back that he liked to try and 'accidentally' get a bit close to her boob. He'd probably laugh along.

Do you really want to be married to a misogynist?

Do you have kids together?

If they are routinely put in pairs for jobs like this, it would seem best for the company to send 2 men to this job and ensure that the woman is out of the predator’s clutches. I’ve sat on a jury for sexual assault of this nature. Basically people won’t accept that a linger or a brush wasn’t an accident. Our society is monstrous. The offender in the case was accused of far more, he was a rapist, but these brushing type offences had no chance of being convicted.

that said, some posters on here are a little naive. Marriages routinely go through very rough patches when kids are tiny. Women can feel low due to sleep deprivation, baby stuff and their body having been messed with and men can struggle with the big changes, forget how happy they once were and end up having an affair with a colleague because they think they don’t love their wife anymore.

op is NBU

And this is precisely why I hate being the the only woman on my team.

All my colleagues are male. Also, my manager is male, his manager is male and the CEO is also male. The HR Dept is male too.

But don't worry, I'll keep it to myself so I don't upset the unhinged WAGs.... 🙄

@Fluffysocksfluffyhat
Or you could just act like an adult and tell your manager about the client instead of roping a big strong man in to protect you from a big scary man?

But what about the jealous wife of the male manager? wouldn't want to make her jealous now would we 🙄

(that's my point BTW! 😂)

I really feel for you OP.

After I had my last child, I was the same as you. I was pregnant during the first lockdown so I gained a lot of weight because I was completely terrified to leave the house so I didn’t exercise at all and I was comfort eating. I was the heaviest I had ever been after he was born too and my self esteem was totally on the floor.

I then found out DH had been FB searching a new colleague who was slightly younger and attractive in a very different way to me (I’m half French so olive skin, dark hair, green eyes and she was blonde with blue eyes). He said she reminded him of his ex and he didn’t know why I did it, I was totally floored by it. Now seems like a slight overreaction on my part but I was totally devastated, I was crying for ages over it and it made me really down.

I lost all of the weight starting when DS was around 18 months and I’ve never regained it. I also went back to work when he was 2 and that helped my self esteem a lot, I don’t have the time to worry about DH and his colleagues anymore! I strongly suggest either returning to work soon or at least keeping yourself busy with other things so you’re not stewing on little things like this. Chances are nothing will happen but you can’t control it if it does and obviously if anything does, your marriage is over.

Sorry OP but YABU.

This smacks of victim blaming and you're worried shes out to get your man. Did you really need to mention "her lovely long blonde hair'?

This is why so women don't report harassment, assaults and worse. If she's an attractive woman it's her fault.

She's being harassed and you're making it about you OP.

It's understandable that you're concerned about an attractive woman spending time with your husband when you're feeling rubbish about yourself but what is worrying going to achieve? If he finds her attractive nothing you say do or think is going to change that. Worrying something is going to happen isn't going to change whether it does or not, it's just going to drive you mad.

Op, can you logically see how wishing to limit his non work chat with this woman, is highly irrational? You cannot dictate the conversations your husband has with colleagues in work time, and state he is only allowed to talk to them about work stuff and no more.

can you logically see how no woman says she’s been sexually harassed and ask for support to leave early. As a way of hitting on someone? Or to make them think she’s attractive?

you need to focus on getting yourself healthy. Mentally. Take this as a wake up call that you need to focus on your recovery. Potentially a trip to your doctor, maybe some virtual therapy. as well as a focus on your physical wellbeing. If you’re unhappy with your appearance, then healthy eating, some exercise, positive steps forward.

but you need to come up with a plan to start to get yourself to a better place and where you can be rational and happy.

I'm actually quite shocked to open this thread and find that the OP's reaction to another woman experiencing sexual harassment is to make it all about her. She's the one in an awful situation right now, regardless of her long blonde hair
I agree with this! She's a victim of sexual harassment in the workplace, and you're making this all about you

He has eyes. He knows what she looks like, so if she is attractive, that is a fact whether she gets harassed by a client or not.

YABU.

2 separate issues here.

The colleague who is getting harassed. - needs reporting.

Please note that DH told you about this - this is good, and take it at face value for now but is there something more going on?

The other issue is your marriage. Does DH know how you feel? Is he supportive, reassuring? 8months post partum can be exhausting. These are your bigger issues. Btw it's totally normal but not ok to lose yourself a bit when the babies are little. Try and do something that makes you feel that the old you is still there - I promise that she is. Are you going back to work?

She might find him attractive. DH is quite attractive.. he is the better looking one in our relationship. He used to get scouted for modelling etc, still gets flirted with when we are out

I don't think she is after him. I don't think it was her intention to do that. It just gives me a horrible feeling of anxiety that DH might feel good about looking after her or something or she will be in his head now

Putting aside the DH’s colleagues dreadful situation of being harassed at work, which frankly could have it’s own thread…

OP at the heart of your concerns seems a lack of trust in your husband. Do you think he would cheat on you if he could?

second question, do you think there is objective evidence for that?

He shouldn’t report to his boss as it isn’t his experience to share and she may have told him in confidence. She may not trust the management or feel unable to speak to someone else. He is right in encouraging her to report it herself. I would say she is describing what happened to her because there might be some uncertainty in her mind that it is a sexual assault. Women doubt themselves all the time.

Right?! I’m actually shocked at the comments where people are saying they understand why the OP thinks that.

OP, I think you sound like an awful person. This woman has said that a client gets quite handsy and would like to leave the event before it gets to that stage. Yet, you’re on the internet saying ‘AIBU to feel nervous about DH's colleague and her unintentionally making DH think she's attractive.’ What the actual fuck?

Do you not think your husband has eyes? I’m sure he can see whether she’s attractive or not and making your DH aware that a client is sexually harassing her will not change that. 8 months postpartum or not. You need to sort out your insecurities because I really don’t see how you’ve managed to make this all about you