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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Extremely annoyed

125 replies

raymayxx · 01/12/2023 18:09

My daughter who is 5 months old is sick, was in his hospital yesterday and wouldn't be surprised if she gets admitted again. My partner has pissed off on a boys holiday this morning knowing this leaving me alone with our sick child and toddler. Granted it was booked months ago but it's common sense to leave things like that over the sake of your children. My family are ripping in and saying all sorts about it a part of me wants to protect him but the other side is so angry. I've been left to deal with everything alone.

OP posts:
TheAlchemistElixa · 02/12/2023 11:05

DysonSphere · 02/12/2023 10:27

I said the OP has the right to request a termination of the holiday and support if she feels she cannot cope. It does not seem that the child is seriously ill such that the hospital believes the child needs to stay in hospital, so one half of the couple terminating their holiday doesn't necessarily need to happen, or have to be a cause of contention provided the sitting partner can cope. My view on what I would do is relevant when the OP is asking for a range of opinions. Of course she'll do what is best for her.

What I disagree with (in the absence of further context not given, for e.g. is the man generally fickle in other situations, unfaithful, immature etc) is the assumption that one part of a couple still going on holiday necessarily equates to that partner not giving a damn about their child, who is, by the OP's own admission, typically illness prone, but not seriously so. To frame it that way is destructive immediately. When in reality some people would be able to say, 'no love, I don't want you to not go on your holiday. You go and I hold down the fort.' That is perfectly legitimate within, as I said, a context of a usually good secure relationship.

It can be negotiated and shouldn't be boiled down to a caring olympics.

If the child were seriously ill, that would be a different matter, but in light of the information provided it doesn't seem that serious. So what I read is this is an insecurely attached relationship, where the OP already doubts her partners commitment to her and their family and this is therefore further proof of that, whereas if it were a mature relationship where the partner was usually supportive, the possibility of him still going on the holiday would be there as an option to negotiate and not necessarily perceived as negatively as it appears to be here.

I definitely don't approve of the family adding fire to flames at this moment in time.

Show quote history

I’m often the first to call out the LTB brigade for unfairness or lack of nuance, but your post is bizarre to me. She’s already said she’s fuming and upset that he deems it ok to piss off abroad.

And I’m not exactly Miss Dramatic either, but I can’t comprehend how anyone can think a five month old with a feeding tube and daily monitoring “isn’t seriously ill”. I’d hate to see what you think qualified.

Original poster
raymayxx · 02/12/2023 11:11

As predicted we are back in hospital and my toddler is with my parents upset because he doesn't like being without his mummy or daddy.😠

OP posts:
RiderofRohan · 02/12/2023 12:01

I'm so sorry. Please note this is NOT normal behaviour from your partner.

Any decent man would be way too anxious over the health of their child to leave. I'm 5 months pregnant with our first and my husband only agreed to being away maximum for two days to visit his elderly parents, just in case something went wrong. Even though I said he should go for longer.

Your partner is uncaring and out of order.

thecatwiththesilveryfur · 02/12/2023 13:32

Oh OP. I hope your baby gets better soon and that your toddler settles. You have some big decisions to make (and, for what it's worth, I agree with the views expressed on this thread) - but while you're taking care of everyone else, don't forget to look after yourself. Having a baby in hospital is scary and traumatic - lean on your family, who sound fantastic.

Wishing you all well very soon x

miniegg3 · 02/12/2023 13:45

I couldn't even imagine leaving my baby that sick to go on a drinking holiday, how heartless! Never mind leaving you and your parents to deal with it all. I'm sure his insurance would pay out if he has a baby in hospital? Not that the money sould matter anyway, but for arguments sake about costs x

Behindyouiam · 02/12/2023 14:03

Utter tosh @DysonSphere

DysonSphere · 02/12/2023 14:19

TheAlchemistElixa · 02/12/2023 11:05

I’m often the first to call out the LTB brigade for unfairness or lack of nuance, but your post is bizarre to me. She’s already said she’s fuming and upset that he deems it ok to piss off abroad.

And I’m not exactly Miss Dramatic either, but I can’t comprehend how anyone can think a five month old with a feeding tube and daily monitoring “isn’t seriously ill”. I’d hate to see what you think qualified.

Edited
Show quote history

It is the hospital who discharged the child because they did not deem the child's condition serious enough to warrant a further hospital stay and the OP said the child often is often ill so it not altogether unusual.

Indeed my advice was nuanced. This is AIBU which implies a question. I answered essentially saying, you are not necessarily being unreasonable, but this is another way of looking at it. Your response is often why I don't bother to answer relationships posts. The answers are rarely ever about encouraging togetherness and dying down the flames of contention but instantly framing one partner as bad and ending the relationship.

Topjoe19 · 02/12/2023 14:23

That would be it for me. Unforgivable. What a cold bastard. I hope your baby is OK.

Behindyouiam · 02/12/2023 14:23

@DysonSphere you think the DF is showing togetherness.......

No you're trying to make a DM look unreasonable because are expects the father of her DC to take responsibility.

OP predicted that the baby would need further hospital treatment, which they have. The DF should be at home looking after his child/children.

It's not for the DM to juggle childcare arrangements and everyone else to be responsible for his responsibilities.

Low standards you have.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 02/12/2023 14:30

@Behindyouiam I think what@DysonSphere is saying is that if her child just had leukaemia she would be fine for her boyfriend to go on holiday.

Please, please tell me I'm wrong? Because @DysonSphere the problem is not whether I or another mother can "handle parenting alone", it's about the fact that its stone cold icy to think anyone ca have fun in the sun while their hild is poorly and bot want to do anything they can to support their own family. Like looking after their own toddler who is probably confused and unsettled.

Aprilx · 02/12/2023 14:41

raymayxx · 01/12/2023 21:28

My daughter has multiple infections and has had respiratory distress in the past 48 hours. has been tube fed for the past 30 hours due to dehydration because she's been so lethargic she hasn't physically had energy to drink. we was told we could go home last late on very strict rules to bring her back to the ward if she declines again witch is likely as she is still very sleepy and fatigued, on and off fevers We have to go in everyday to asses feeding until she capable to feed again herself. The holiday is no special occasion just a boys drinking trip that he really really doesn't want to miss out on

Show quote history

I don’t have children. But do you know what, I would skip the drinking trip if my dog was this ill. So would my husband, in fact he did once cut a trip short because the dog was ill in kennels. Your husband is an absolute shit.

Chipsahoyagain · 02/12/2023 14:44

raymayxx · 01/12/2023 18:09

My daughter who is 5 months old is sick, was in his hospital yesterday and wouldn't be surprised if she gets admitted again. My partner has pissed off on a boys holiday this morning knowing this leaving me alone with our sick child and toddler. Granted it was booked months ago but it's common sense to leave things like that over the sake of your children. My family are ripping in and saying all sorts about it a part of me wants to protect him but the other side is so angry. I've been left to deal with everything alone.

More fool you for wanting to protect him. Why?? He deserves to be known for dumping you with a sick baby and another little one. Hope this opens your eyes.

Chipsahoyagain · 02/12/2023 14:47

Op hope this is the wake up call you needed. He's shown his true colours and the people around you can see that. Don't accept your family's help then turn around and run back to him. He is despicable for leaving his kids to go drinking. You think this is acceptable? He doesn't deserve his family. Hope your poor little one is ok.

DysonSphere · 02/12/2023 14:49

Ohtobetwentytwo · 02/12/2023 14:30

@Behindyouiam I think what@DysonSphere is saying is that if her child just had leukaemia she would be fine for her boyfriend to go on holiday.

Please, please tell me I'm wrong? Because @DysonSphere the problem is not whether I or another mother can "handle parenting alone", it's about the fact that its stone cold icy to think anyone ca have fun in the sun while their hild is poorly and bot want to do anything they can to support their own family. Like looking after their own toddler who is probably confused and unsettled.

I don't reply to bad faith arguments. I never at any point suggested this, you have insincerely reduced my pretty nuanced comment to a soundbite

Behindyouiam · 02/12/2023 14:51

@DysonSphere your standards on parenthood are way too low.

DysonSphere · 02/12/2023 14:51

Behindyouiam · 02/12/2023 14:23

@DysonSphere you think the DF is showing togetherness.......

No you're trying to make a DM look unreasonable because are expects the father of her DC to take responsibility.

OP predicted that the baby would need further hospital treatment, which they have. The DF should be at home looking after his child/children.

It's not for the DM to juggle childcare arrangements and everyone else to be responsible for his responsibilities.

Low standards you have.

No you're trying to make a DM look unreasonable because are expects the father of her DC to take responsibility

I don't know why I bother writing. Sure that's what I said.

Low standards you have.

Based on what exactly? Being mature and not framing everything through feelings?

I say again. There is absolutely nothing wrong in negotiating a partner going away for a pre-planned holiday if you feel that the situation is handleable on your own. It does not have to be Stay = good partner parent/Go = Bastard. The OP herself said that this isn't an unusual situation for her family in regards to her child's health.

Where there is a problem having caught up a bit with some of the other posters, is that theres a backstory that the OP didn't reveal and the guy in this case appears to be never responsible and irresponsible in general. That's a far bigger problem. It seems he doesn't take her feelings into account in general. So I can see why she's upset, because he will always have his way and not consider her it seems.

Regardless of that my guess is that the OP will want to resolve the situation rather than break up at whatever time this man returns, because why would she be asking what seems an otherwise clear cut issue in AIBU and not just relationships? And why didn't she provide a backstory?

DysonSphere · 02/12/2023 14:54

I dont have edit function. Some parts of that were meant to ve quoted in bold

Behindyouiam · 02/12/2023 14:56

@DysonSphere
*
No you're trying to make a DM look unreasonable because are expects the father of her DC to take responsibility*

I have no clue what you are saying here, assuming the rest of your post was equally as incoherent, I've not read further.

Behindyouiam · 02/12/2023 14:56

DysonSphere · 02/12/2023 14:54

I dont have edit function. Some parts of that were meant to ve quoted in bold

The first paragraph was nonsense, I didn't bother reading further.

DysonSphere · 02/12/2023 14:59

Why post that you haven't read further? Upset?

Behindyouiam · 02/12/2023 15:04

DysonSphere · 02/12/2023 14:59

Why post that you haven't read further? Upset?

Upset at what? The fact you're posting nonsense? Not upset at all!

How very odd!

DysonSphere · 02/12/2023 15:12

Oh sorry, it's just that you sound put out, to put it mildly😂

God everytime I say I"m done with MN, I remember how entertaining it can be.

Behindyouiam · 02/12/2023 15:15

DysonSphere · 02/12/2023 15:12

Oh sorry, it's just that you sound put out, to put it mildly😂

God everytime I say I"m done with MN, I remember how entertaining it can be.

Every time I think I'm done with Mumsnet, I see a massive missive and the first paragraph shows that it's all going to be incoherent nonsense. Hence, I've learnt, don't bother reading the rest. That sort of person is just rambling.

So, I just let them know, I've moved on...

DysonSphere · 02/12/2023 15:19

Which is totally your prerogative, but odd as you say. I generally just don't bother, but each to their own.

MrsMarzetti · 02/12/2023 15:28

baileys6904 · 01/12/2023 18:32

To be honest, my son was in and out of hospital at least 3 times a year from being a few weeks old. They only usually allow one parent to stay with them at hospital anyway and there's not alot the other can do.

If the holidays been booked, for a while, I understand his point. I do also understand yours obviously, especially if this is your first child.

Families need to butt out tho and support rather than stir

Not her first baby, they have a toddler also.

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