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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Extremely annoyed

125 replies

raymayxx · 01/12/2023 18:09

My daughter who is 5 months old is sick, was in his hospital yesterday and wouldn't be surprised if she gets admitted again. My partner has pissed off on a boys holiday this morning knowing this leaving me alone with our sick child and toddler. Granted it was booked months ago but it's common sense to leave things like that over the sake of your children. My family are ripping in and saying all sorts about it a part of me wants to protect him but the other side is so angry. I've been left to deal with everything alone.

OP posts:
SwishSwishBisch · 01/12/2023 22:35

He’s a piece of shit OP and a piss poor excuse for a dad, and in your shoes I would be calling him exactly that to his face.

Itrymybestyesido · 01/12/2023 22:41

baileys6904 · 01/12/2023 18:32

To be honest, my son was in and out of hospital at least 3 times a year from being a few weeks old. They only usually allow one parent to stay with them at hospital anyway and there's not alot the other can do.

If the holidays been booked, for a while, I understand his point. I do also understand yours obviously, especially if this is your first child.

Families need to butt out tho and support rather than stir

Well he could be looking after the toddler for starters.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 01/12/2023 22:43

Would he think it acceptable if the tables were turned and it was you off with your mates and him dealing with all this, I doubt it.

TeaGinandFags · 01/12/2023 22:46

Have you grassed him up to his mother?

I'm sure she'd be so proud of her son and rip him a new one. He's behaving like a single man so make xure that she knows her grannhbrights are beingnput at risk.

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/12/2023 22:50

He is immature and selfish and thoughtless. He's not a good father. I know what I would do and that is get all my ducks lined right up.

Saz12 · 01/12/2023 22:57

Is your partner also your DC father? If so hes a total shit, in failing to be a father and in failing to be a partner. If not, hes also a (lesser) shit in failing to support you.

easilydistracted1 · 01/12/2023 23:00

@LittleGreenDragons preventative monitoring for an underlying condition as a precaution although you make a good point that 5 months is a bit young for that. Definitely not an unexpected illness or emergency. And even that's pretty rubbish

DysonSphere · 01/12/2023 23:01

So she's routinely ill. She sounds like my niece who is often in hospital for several hours or a day or two, made stable then sent home because she has a weak immune system, is infection prone and has severe allergies. It does not sound like she is critically ill if they are letting her go home.

I actually would let him go on the holiday, whilst insisting he keeps his phone on. I could handle it. But that is me.

Catapultaway · 01/12/2023 23:02

sqirrelfriends · 01/12/2023 22:26

Not leaving the country while your child is in hospital isn’t a mum thing, it’s a caring parent thing.

Im so sorry he’s left you with all this to deal with, it sucks and I’d be livid.

Show quote history

The child's not in hospital, the child was taken to the hospital and has been sent home... that's usually a sign it's not to serious.
That's not a judgement, I don't know a single mum, myself included, who's not had a panicked trip to the hospital just to be sent home and told to keep up with the calpol.

easilydistracted1 · 01/12/2023 23:03

@raymayxx thats awful I'd be speechless and wouldn't forgive him ever. He should not want go in those circumstances

CheeseFiend40 · 01/12/2023 23:04

How old is your boyfriend? I would assume very young from the fact he’d even booked to go on a lads drinking holiday in the first place. Then add in a toddler and a 5 month old, WTF. Then add in a very sick child, absolute cock!

LifeExperience · 01/12/2023 23:05

You are married to a horrible human being.

easilydistracted1 · 01/12/2023 23:06

@DysonSphere she's been in respiratory distress and tube fed and could need to be rushed in at any time. He should not leave OP and toddler living on tenterhooks like that.

LittleGreenDragons · 01/12/2023 23:08

@Catapultaway did you miss OPs follow up post describing respiratory distress, feeding tube and having to return daily?

Mumtobabyhavoc · 01/12/2023 23:08

It's the fact that he's leaving the country that's shocks me. I'd be beside myself with bewilderment and fury. 🤬

Catapultaway · 01/12/2023 23:19

LittleGreenDragons · 01/12/2023 23:08

@Catapultaway did you miss OPs follow up post describing respiratory distress, feeding tube and having to return daily?

I did, yes.

Panicking23 · 01/12/2023 23:24

Absolutely unforgivable. He'd never set foot over the door again if that was my partner.
I understand your families fury, but at the moment you do not need to be dealing with anything other than your sick baby so it's not fair for them to do anything but support you. One thing at a time OP, concentrate on getting your baby well then once they're on the mend you can deal with the shit partner.

zurala · 01/12/2023 23:25

I would end it. I couldn't be with someone who did that. What a fucking arsehole.
His child is seriously ill and he's gone abroad to get pissed?!?! I can't believe the people defending him. The bar for men is so low it's a tavern in Hades, indeed.

DysonSphere · 01/12/2023 23:37

LittleGreenDragons · 01/12/2023 23:08

@Catapultaway did you miss OPs follow up post describing respiratory distress, feeding tube and having to return daily?

I'm asthmatic, since a toddler myself, and so unfortunately is my poor little niece.

The hospital will not send home a child whose respiratory distress is extremely serious (though these days I admit services aren't what they should be) they test for blood oxygen, will give antibiotics, spacer, etc.

This is one of those situations where it comes down to how people cope.

It's being seen as an either/or scenario and as the partners desire to go on holiday as not working together and supporting his partner.

But if I were in the situation. I wouldn't necessarily see it that way. It can still be working together to say, toddler is ill, but not life threatening. You've planned this holiday, you go and when you come back, you hold the fort for a while and I get a break.

It's not wrong for the OP to request support and a termination of the holiday if she feels she cannot cope alone.

But it's also not necessarily wrong to say, 'I think I can manage this situation, go on holiday' if she feels she can cope. I think I would cope.

I don't think it's wrong that he still wants to go on holiday. I think it is wrong if cancelling the holiday is off the table altogether as a possibility if the OP requests it.

Family are increasing tension instead of encouraging unity. Encouraging resentment and a verses attitude, when it's mediating a relationship.

Ejismyf · 01/12/2023 23:47

Catapultaway · 01/12/2023 23:02

The child's not in hospital, the child was taken to the hospital and has been sent home... that's usually a sign it's not to serious.
That's not a judgement, I don't know a single mum, myself included, who's not had a panicked trip to the hospital just to be sent home and told to keep up with the calpol.

Show quote history

Aw fucking stop with the bullshit comparison to single mums. She's not a single mum is she, so shouldn't need to just cope like one does! The baby also wasn't just sent home with calpol - she's been in respiratory distress and is currently being tube fed and she also has a toddler who will need looked after shouldn't she need to make a panicked trip to hospital in the night.

Ejismyf · 01/12/2023 23:49

DysonSphere · 01/12/2023 23:37

I'm asthmatic, since a toddler myself, and so unfortunately is my poor little niece.

The hospital will not send home a child whose respiratory distress is extremely serious (though these days I admit services aren't what they should be) they test for blood oxygen, will give antibiotics, spacer, etc.

This is one of those situations where it comes down to how people cope.

It's being seen as an either/or scenario and as the partners desire to go on holiday as not working together and supporting his partner.

But if I were in the situation. I wouldn't necessarily see it that way. It can still be working together to say, toddler is ill, but not life threatening. You've planned this holiday, you go and when you come back, you hold the fort for a while and I get a break.

It's not wrong for the OP to request support and a termination of the holiday if she feels she cannot cope alone.

But it's also not necessarily wrong to say, 'I think I can manage this situation, go on holiday' if she feels she can cope. I think I would cope.

I don't think it's wrong that he still wants to go on holiday. I think it is wrong if cancelling the holiday is off the table altogether as a possibility if the OP requests it.

Family are increasing tension instead of encouraging unity. Encouraging resentment and a verses attitude, when it's mediating a relationship.

Show quote history

She didn't say I think I can manage this situation with an ill 5 month old and a toddler too though did she. Its not about what you could or couldn't do.

HarrietStyles · 01/12/2023 23:51

I can only look at it at how I would behave if it were me and my child had just been in hospital and was still unwell. Not a chance I would go on a girls holiday and leave my husband to deal with it. It wouldn’t matter how much I’d paid for it and how much I would lose….. the holiday would be very very low priority. And I believe that 99.9% of mums would say the same.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/12/2023 23:56

And now you know where you and the kids come on his list of priorities......a lot lower than getting shitfaced with his mates.

What would stop him going if a very ill baby in hospital isnt a good enough reason?

I would strongly suggest you message him with "Hope you are having a good time. All of your stuff is in the garden for you to pick up when your boys holiday is over. We are THROUGH"

hazeleyednerd · 02/12/2023 00:00

raymayxx · 01/12/2023 21:28

My daughter has multiple infections and has had respiratory distress in the past 48 hours. has been tube fed for the past 30 hours due to dehydration because she's been so lethargic she hasn't physically had energy to drink. we was told we could go home last late on very strict rules to bring her back to the ward if she declines again witch is likely as she is still very sleepy and fatigued, on and off fevers We have to go in everyday to asses feeding until she capable to feed again herself. The holiday is no special occasion just a boys drinking trip that he really really doesn't want to miss out on

Show quote history

I hope the little one gets better quickly, and that somewhere in the middle of it all you manage some rest for you as well.
Listen to your family and do not defend him. As PP have said above - abandoning his family for a drinking trip is unforgiveable. There's no coming back from such a selfish event.

FirstTimeTTC989 · 02/12/2023 00:04

Unforgivable