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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Extremely annoyed

125 replies

raymayxx · 01/12/2023 18:09

My daughter who is 5 months old is sick, was in his hospital yesterday and wouldn't be surprised if she gets admitted again. My partner has pissed off on a boys holiday this morning knowing this leaving me alone with our sick child and toddler. Granted it was booked months ago but it's common sense to leave things like that over the sake of your children. My family are ripping in and saying all sorts about it a part of me wants to protect him but the other side is so angry. I've been left to deal with everything alone.

OP posts:
TheMoreYouKnow · 02/12/2023 00:05

Mine did something similar and I've never forgotten it. It was potentially more serious but we didn't know till later. All was OK but I didn't register at the time as I was so worried. Apart from anything he should be there to support you.
It's a real dickhead move.
As someone else said on here it's very cold.
He's totally selfish.
It's a clear sign of the future you'll have with him.
Your family is right.
Don't back his unforgiveable behavior because that's what it is.
This is a massive red flag and I'd seriously look at whether you want someone like that in your life.
You need a supportive and caring partner not one that basically doesn't give a shit.
Hope your dc is fully recovered soon.

TheAlchemistElixa · 02/12/2023 00:09

Reading your update about her medical issues and thinking about how your boyfriend is still not prioritising either her or you, has made my blood run cold. He sounds like a sociopath.

we recently had a trip to out of hours and the A&E with an older child and a much milder medical situation, and her father dropped EVERYTHING to be there with her, even though he wasn’t “needed” and also cleared his entire weekend’s big social events just to spend time with her even though she was absolutely fine!

Your boyfriend doesn’t give two shits about his own five month old daughter. That is icy cold, horrifying, and would be a relationship ender for me.

Screamingabdabz · 02/12/2023 00:13

My DH would not leave their side if one of our kids had a sniffle. Even if he had the holiday of a lifetime booked. I can’t fathom of blokes who don’t really give a shit about the welfare of their offspring or care about their wife going through angst. I can only come to conclusion that he’s a complete prick.

Kisskiss · 02/12/2023 00:21

He’s a worm! Hope your baby gets better soon and you aren’t too stressed out. Juggling one sick child in and out of hospital is tough enough but you also have to sort out your toddler.

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2023 00:22

baileys6904 · 01/12/2023 18:32

To be honest, my son was in and out of hospital at least 3 times a year from being a few weeks old. They only usually allow one parent to stay with them at hospital anyway and there's not alot the other can do.

If the holidays been booked, for a while, I understand his point. I do also understand yours obviously, especially if this is your first child.

Families need to butt out tho and support rather than stir

They have a toddler as well...

DreamTheMoors · 02/12/2023 00:39

When I was born, my sister was ill and in the same hospital and my brother was at home with the measles.
My dad split his time three ways: mum, sister and brother. While he was at hospital, he slept on two chairs pushed together.
Nobody ever accused him of not being a devoted father and husband — there are good men in this world.
And now I miss my dad.

nameychanger5678 · 02/12/2023 00:54

Op you posted a few weeks ago that this guy does fuck all around the house, doesn’t work, fucks off on holiday all the time. Why are you with this cretin?

FuchsAndMöhr · 02/12/2023 01:02

@Ejismyf

I think you probably need to re read the post you’re replying to and then maybe retract your rant 🙈

Behindyouiam · 02/12/2023 01:03

DysonSphere · 01/12/2023 23:01

So she's routinely ill. She sounds like my niece who is often in hospital for several hours or a day or two, made stable then sent home because she has a weak immune system, is infection prone and has severe allergies. It does not sound like she is critically ill if they are letting her go home.

I actually would let him go on the holiday, whilst insisting he keeps his phone on. I could handle it. But that is me.

How would keeping his phone on actually help?

Travelfan2021 · 02/12/2023 01:30

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

ThePeachIsSoUnusual · 02/12/2023 01:47

I'd dump him, tbh.

Yes I think I would too. What's the saying that Oprah often quotes? When they show you who they are, believe them.

Lamelie · 02/12/2023 04:29

baileys6904 · 01/12/2023 18:32

To be honest, my son was in and out of hospital at least 3 times a year from being a few weeks old. They only usually allow one parent to stay with them at hospital anyway and there's not alot the other can do.

If the holidays been booked, for a while, I understand his point. I do also understand yours obviously, especially if this is your first child.

Families need to butt out tho and support rather than stir

Rtft
The lot the other parent could do would be to look after the toddler. It’s not her first child, it’s on the OP
Flowers @raymayxx

RiderofRohan · 02/12/2023 04:31

WinterDeWinter · 01/12/2023 19:13

I totally agree in principle with you and your family - but in practice, I think I might feel - maybe - a bit differently if the holiday had cost a lot/ was a very special thing. And also what the baby was in hospital for - as a pp has said, mine was in at least twice for bronchiolitis in her first year and it was clear that they were not in any danger.

BUT all this would have been discussed with my OH saying 'honestly it's fine I'll miss it' and me calling my mum and asking what she thought and whether she'd be able to have the toddler. And I still probably would expect him to be absolutely forced to go.

What? More special than his baby? Is a bit of money that important? The baby is in hospital because she is sick, not for laughs. Imagine his sick child deteriorated while he was pissed off his head abroad.

Low standards.

Dentistlakes · 02/12/2023 04:37

He shouldn’t be going off on holiday under these circumstances. I can see why your family are annoyed. You need him there. Not just to care for his older child, but as support under difficult circumstances.

RiderofRohan · 02/12/2023 04:39

LifeExperience · 01/12/2023 23:05

You are married to a horrible human being.

But she's not married to him. Just has two kids. I'm guessing he has commitment issues on top of being a general pos.

wildwestpioneer · 02/12/2023 05:04

I couldn't stand to be married to someone who held his child and his partner in such low regard.

Any self respecting human wouldn't have gone on that trip, and would have stayed at home to be there for his family.

Snowdogsmitten · 02/12/2023 06:25

I wouldn’t be able to forgive my husband if he did this.

Codlingmoths · 02/12/2023 06:28

baileys6904 · 01/12/2023 18:32

To be honest, my son was in and out of hospital at least 3 times a year from being a few weeks old. They only usually allow one parent to stay with them at hospital anyway and there's not alot the other can do.

If the holidays been booked, for a while, I understand his point. I do also understand yours obviously, especially if this is your first child.

Families need to butt out tho and support rather than stir

They have a toddler as well. In your experience did they also usually let the mums whose partners had fucked off on holiday bring the toddler in to stay at the hospital too? Or did these mums have to choose which child had a parent? Yes, single mums would have to if you’re one of the people who use that line. The op is not a single mum at this point.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 02/12/2023 06:31

The words ‘Boys Holiday’ sums it up. A MAN would cancel his trip if his child was so sick she could be admitted to hospital. I’m afraid his children should come before The BOYS.

Codlingmoths · 02/12/2023 06:31

I don’t know what to suggest op, in your position id be incandescent. I’d probably text him daily ‘our baby is sick, I’m exhausted, you’re a terrible partner and dad for fucking off to have a piss up and you don’t deserve any of us.’ I’d add a couple of ‘still’ in there after day 1. I’d have to be honest, I would think him a terrible partner and dad.

autienotnaughty · 02/12/2023 06:46

It's unacceptable that he thinks it's ok to go.

Projectme · 02/12/2023 07:32

What an absolute waste of space your partner is. Your poor kids.

Hope your little one is on the mend soon, so you find some spare time to launch your partners crap out of the house. Selfish arse.

schmuzz · 02/12/2023 08:49

The relationship would be over for me.

Mrsgreen100 · 02/12/2023 08:57

Hope your daughter gets better soon
this kind of behaviour from your partner
is totally unacceptable.
chuck him out
you deserve better so do your kids
get rid

DysonSphere · 02/12/2023 10:27

Ejismyf · 01/12/2023 23:49

She didn't say I think I can manage this situation with an ill 5 month old and a toddler too though did she. Its not about what you could or couldn't do.

I said the OP has the right to request a termination of the holiday and support if she feels she cannot cope. It does not seem that the child is seriously ill such that the hospital believes the child needs to stay in hospital, so one half of the couple terminating their holiday doesn't necessarily need to happen, or have to be a cause of contention provided the sitting partner can cope. My view on what I would do is relevant when the OP is asking for a range of opinions. Of course she'll do what is best for her.

What I disagree with (in the absence of further context not given, for e.g. is the man generally fickle in other situations, unfaithful, immature etc) is the assumption that one part of a couple still going on holiday necessarily equates to that partner not giving a damn about their child, who is, by the OP's own admission, typically illness prone, but not seriously so. To frame it that way is destructive immediately. When in reality some people would be able to say, 'no love, I don't want you to not go on your holiday. You go and I hold down the fort.' That is perfectly legitimate within, as I said, a context of a usually good secure relationship.

It can be negotiated and shouldn't be boiled down to a caring olympics.

If the child were seriously ill, that would be a different matter, but in light of the information provided it doesn't seem that serious. So what I read is this is an insecurely attached relationship, where the OP already doubts her partners commitment to her and their family and this is therefore further proof of that, whereas if it were a mature relationship where the partner was usually supportive, the possibility of him still going on the holiday would be there as an option to negotiate and not necessarily perceived as negatively as it appears to be here.

I definitely don't approve of the family adding fire to flames at this moment in time.

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