Not buying my kids Christmas presents as other people spoil them !!!

[Infertilitylady]

anyways ! I have a 2 and 5 year old , every Christmas I tell my mother in law to calm down with Christmas presents , massive load of presents for the kids , I cannot stand it , she will not listen and wants to spoil them too much , very materialistic ! I don’t like it one bit , soo much clutter and nowhere to put them ! I am not ungreatful but I tried to say it in a nice way but she ignores my request . I don’t want my kids to be spoilt and they don’t need more than 2 presents each , but they get like 30+ from mother in law family . So this Christmas I am not buying even 1 present , let them buy it all then , because they don’t listen .sorry just a rant really . I’m not sorry I’m not buying my kids anything as I know they will get mountain of presents anyways ! X

@Lilithlogic I can’t say no to mil and relatives , they will throw a fit and go in a mood with me so I kind of do have to put up with it . It would look even more ungreatful if I refused the presents .

Definition of being spoilt - being over generous. And so it does sound like you’re being ‘over generous’ with your presents to your children at Xmas. Therefore by definition, they’re spoilt…..

@HerMammy yes I will buy them a stocking and 1 present each as we go straight to mother in laws house when we wake up .

Unfortunately, @pinkspeakers , someone can’t pretend they didn’t say something in their own thread. @DidiAskYouThough said, “If you don’t want your kids to be materialistic, parent better.” And OP plainly answered, “no they are becoming materialistic just lately not because of me but because of other people ! I don’t spoil them at all.” So either, she forgot the age of her 2 and 5 year old (they grow so fast), or she’s backtracking because she realized no one is going to agree with calling a 2 year old materialistic… once you tried to absolve her of this comment, she was QUICK to jump on that. And I appreciate your thinking, because who would assume a TWO YEAR OLD is materialistic and then their mother would say it’s not her parenting but the fault of others? You didn’t, and no fault to you. But that’s what OP said, and I imagine it’s why a lot of people are disagreeing with her, because the things she’s said in comments since her OP don’t paint her in a great light.

@5YearsLeft I didn’t say my 2 years old is materialistic ! I said I’m scared that they will become materialistic if this present overflow carrys on 🤯❌

And all because you didn't have the backbone to put a stop to it.

@Lilithlogic how can you tell grandparent to stop buying ? Am I really going to be so rude and tell them to F off with the presents ? I told you that I already asked them not to buy but they don’t listen and go in a mood when then hear me saying no more presents !

I’m so over people using spaces before commas and question marks 🙈

It's a turn of phrase. An adult saying "I've been spoilt rotten" on their birthday doesn't mean that they are going to become spoilt and materialistic.
Just as spoiling kids at Christmas, doesn't mean that they are going to become materialistic and spoilt brats. Just as mine haven't. I too used to get lots for Christmas and I'm definitely not spoilt or materialistic.
Instilling values into children is what determines if they are spoilt or not. The size of their pile on Christmas day doesn't determine anything.

Look @Infertilitylady Im not sure what you think, “They are becoming materialistic just lately,” means?

But it doesn’t matter much to me. However it goes, I’m in complete disagreement with you. Do you know how you make a child materialistic? Let me tell you who the most materialistic people I know are. They’re not lower class and they’re not upper class. They’re middle class people whose parents didn’t want to “give them too much” so they were only allowed one birthday present or got one present on Christmas, even though their parents had plenty of money. They grow up, find a fairly good paying job, and become obsessed with buying everything they want, because “they deserve it.”

And do you know how you “spoil” a child? Because there is literally only ONE way. One. You treat them as less than or more than. Less than or more than… you? Less than or more than… their sibling? Less than or more than… a normal person? Less than… strangers on the street? Because you’d never scream at a stranger the way I see some people verbally abuse their children. But likewise, I can’t believe the abuse some children believe is okay to say to teachers or coaches or even strangers who displease them, as if they are worth more than the other person. Less than: that’s what leaves children with lasting issues that turn into lifelong mental health problems, that can give them chronic illness, etc. More than: makes them a self-centred narcissist that everyone will eventually grow to hate, or leads them to failure and mental health problems when they face the real world and Mum can no longer fix everything for them. Either one can make them eventually carry on a cycle of abuse. That’s the only way to “spoil” a child: by not giving them even a chance to become a healthy adult.

And it’s based on how you treat your children, not 30 presents.

Children don't become "spoilt" by a load of presents on Christmas Day. "Spoilt" is an attitude that develops over time through habits and behaviour that is cultivated day by day.

I used to get quite a nice pile of presents at Christmas - but I was FAR from spoilt. I generally didn't get given things other than on birthday and Christmas, and if there was something particularly significant I wanted, I had to save for it myself. Sometimes if I'd put a lot of effort into saving for something I wanted, my parents would offer to "match" the sum I'd saved once I'd reached a certain amount, but it was never expected.

If an attitude of appreciation, gratitude and understanding how to save is cultivated the rest of the year, one day of lots of presents won't change that. Whether they become spoilt is actually down to YOU, not what your MIL buys them at Christmas.

The best thing the OP can do is tell her children to give the presents to deprived children, but I bet the grandparents would object to that because regardless of what you say, the grandparents are idiots who think buying presents buys you love.

If they weren't idiots, they would be able to see that no-one appreciates 30 presents if for no other reason that it takes so long just to open them.

I'd assume the kid was doing the absolute best he could at that given moment. Maybe tired, maybe coming down with a bug, maybe hangry.

I would not judge a child harshly. The vast majority of people would not say anything like the comments you imagine them saying either.

I think you're too concerned about the opinions and reactions of others to you and your children. You're afraid the relatives would respond badly if you were to be firm about the presents and I think you're probably afraid the children would be thought of as spoiled by others.

This is all very controlling.

Excellent post, @5YearsLeft

Your expectations of your children's response to presents are not even remotely age appropriate.

Can you ask for something really expensive, like a bike or playhouse, in the hope that they won't buy them much else?

@mathanxiety yes they are age appropriate to appreaciate gifts from others . Five year old is a big kid, she should know please and thank yous and my child does say thank you but not to everything as it’s too much to open and too exited and too overwhelming and she forgets that she’s opening presents from people who kindly bought them to her and forgets to thank them .

@Toffeebythesea that’s the plan next year as this year it’s too late 😂🙏🏻😀 but funny as they don’t even ask what they would like they just buy suprises and don’t want me to know what she got them . And I did think of telling her what they would like but then I thought that maybe it makes things worse as she’ll think we DO want and expect presents and she might buy even more 😭🤣

I think Christmas is over rated and kids get over spoilt and greedy This is your excuse for not buying gifts for your own children who you chose to bring into this world? Wow

It’s the root of your problem though. You need to put some thought into finding a positive and not upsetting way of getting the message through to her.

It’s not really an excuse. It’s the level that feels right to her.

If you happened to have a spare £10,000, would you spend it on Christmas presents for your children? I wouldn’t. It would feel excessive.

Some people are telling her to parent. Others are telling her she’s sucking the fun out of Christmas.

The hard truth about parenting is that it sometimes involves sucking the fun out of things - i.e. saying”no”. Parents create an environment that accords with their values.

I don’t think having a modest amount of presents at Christmas is that terrible. It’s a perfectly valid way to approach Christmas.

Your two year old is not old enough to understand much about the thank you-ing.

You know thatbtournfive year old is generally polite and nice to people but it's the volume of gifts that gets in the way.

So I do think you're getting upset about a non-problem here - your child is doing fine and there's no reason to worry about him or her turning into a rude or inconsiderate person.

I remember my exH making my DCs write thank you letters within five minutes of opening gifts from family members who had sent them. The excitement of opening the gifts (about three each) and the moment of holding them up and looking at them and showing them to each other was completely ruined by exH with his box of Thank Yous. It got to the point where one DC filled out three cards in advance: Dear Aunt X/Grandma/Uncle Y, Thank you so much for the _! I'm having lots of fun playing with it. Hope you and Gramps had a nice time at Christmas. Miss you! xoxo.

My point is that you can flog the Thank You bit to death.

Be grateful that your child does the best he or she can. Don't let worry about the future cloud what should be a happy day.

Above all, remember that your children have almost no frame of reference for their own behaviour and are genuinely doing the best they can in any given situation. Don't concoct judgemental opinions or try to read the minds of others on the occasions when your children have a moment in a shop or elsewhere. Focus only on your own response and you'll find life less stressful.