feeling stupidly insecure 😞 AIBU?

[Tangofantastic]

Soooo quick history - I’m a single mum of 2, 41 and been seeing a friend / partner for a year or so now. Lovely guy, he has no kids and it’s been a friendship that grew into something more but is limited as I have my ND kids 90% of the time so I only get to see him 2-3 times a week and for a weekend every 8 weeks. (Mix of shift work + my kids).
he’s younger than me by 7 years which probably hits my first insecurity marker🤦‍♀️he’s gorgeous, funny, kind and clever and as conversations happen its clear
he’s had lots of partners before me and is very experienced in bed, I think from
the gen that expects sex to be a bit “exciting” each time, everything shaved etc. no judgement but different to my experience in life so I’ve had my eyes opened in a good way but also I do feel kind of old
sometimes as a result (like, erm what’s up with “boring” missionary and not shaving?!)
anyway fast forward and the last couple of weeks he’s been under some
work stress and every time we meet up and we have sex he can’t Cum- we’ve tried each and every way and…nothing! He’s blasé about it saying it’s just his stress, he can’t even make himself cum when he’s on his own which led to a slightly off tangent chat about how he masturbates Every day and surprise that I seemed taken aback by that, pointing out that if he only gets to see me 1-2 or 3 times a week of course he’ll do that on other days and don’t I? And I had to stop myself saying are
you kidding? The nights I’m not with you I’m in bed by 10 With motherland and asleep by 11😂
is this the younger gen? I feel weirdly old and self conscious after these chats and I can’t work out if I am or if he’s got
an Above average amount of experience and therefore expectation/
drive? starting to wonder if this is really
compatible in the bedroom sense long term 😵‍💫

I don't think it is the age thing. I am your age and probably more akin to your new partner. Having said that, we all have different needs and wants and no one way is more correct than the other. You either explore this relationship and see where it takes you or decide that it's not for you. Dealer's choice.
As far as him not being able to orgasm just now, well, can you honestly say your orgasm is reliable 100% of the time. Mine isn't, it's not something to get worked up about and is pretty much what he told you himself.

It sounds like you are in 2 different places with your lives. Not a bad thing per se, just you sound like you're wanting to be settled in a comfy relationship while he isn't there yet.

Start from the standpoint that there's nothing wrong with you. Work from there. Nobody has to wrong or 'have issues' in order for aspects of a relationship to be incompatible. Perhaps you're just different? Perhaps it's just for now? Don't make it into a big deal of what a failure you are; you weren't put on this planet to be satisfying for him.

I also don’t think it’s age, I’m more like your partner and older than you.

There's nothing to worry about in your post, some men find it harder to cum from time to time. To me it seems like your relationship and communication is pretty awesome.

Lucky you, stick with it.

Also not sure if it's an age thing, but I'm definitely more like you.

I'd say men in general possibly expect / want a bit more sex than women (not always, obviously, but in my experience).

The everything shaved and more exciting that missionary though....yes, I think that might be a generational thing.

You've got kids and a much busier life than him though, so it's no wonder he's got the time, energy and inclination for daily masturbation and you don't!

My friend who is 49 is the exact opposite of you. She wants it a few times a day. Her partner can’t cope 😂 people just have different needs sex is no different from anything else.
I am more like you, and if I’m stressed I wouldn’t have sex at all.
You’ve spoken about it and he’s given you an explanation, you both seem ok about it? I wouldn’t worry or it’ll become a “thing!”
You both seem happy, so I’d let it go.

I'm older than you and love sex with my new, 5yrs, partner

Missionary is a boring non orgasum position for me, so I like on top or on all fours.

Husband used to masturbate all the time in his old marriage, but very rarely does now we are together.

When he gets stressed he finds it hard to cum, same as me I guess

I think in the slightly longer term you are just not going to be suitable for each other. Probably is partly the age factor, too.

I think the orgasming is a bit of a non issue as PP have said, which will resolve in time, best not to stress about it.

For me the bit that stood out was 'And I had to stop myself saying are
you kidding? The nights I’m not with you I’m in bed by 10 With motherland and asleep by 11😂'
Wouldn't you want a partner that you can just say that too, without worrying about it? Like one that gets you, and your life, and your sense of humour?

I'm with you, by the way, watching Motherland and sleep sounds an incredible evening!

This is super helpful thank you! I think I need to do some soul searching on why
im feeling so insecure and self-conscious 🥺good to hear it’s probably more a preference thing rather than an age thing. Maybe I’m more vanilla than I realised and it’s just I’ve not really had much experience and to him eg anal is as normal as jam on toast and to me I’m like “Aargh, must shave in between making spag Bol” whereas with my exes I never shaved (simply didn’t cross my mind as a thing!) and feeling like I’m too old
for this!

One of you used the word comfy - this is me. I’m “comfy”. 😂I like all things cuddly and snuggly. I kind of enjoyed exploring the new things he showed me but year + in I’m clocking that’s his norm, and he clearly thinks at least once a day in 20+ positions for an hour + is the minimum norm. Which is amazing but a total “whaaaat?” Compared to the rest of my mom (MOM) life.
probably seems more stark as my ex husband had a lower drive than me and would have looked at me with concern if I pranced into the bedroom shaved to nothing 😂so maybe it’s the contrast and I’m feeling self conscious as he clearly has had many more partners who were into more adventurous stuff and he has said his preference is shaved/ more
exciting and so I Try and do that but if I’m being super honest it’s prob not my cup of tea but I adore him and he makes me feel amazing in bed, but I do slightly feel like I’m in a performance sometimes which prob isn’t the best😏thank you for helping me work out that weird niggly feeling ladies!

Just remember OP, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. Are you happy to keep shaving, do anal etc?

Don't worry about his previous partners. He is with you, he enjoys being with you and.. have you expressed your preferences to him at all?
I mean, when I first met my partner we were at it like rabbits, doing all sorts of kinky long-lasting sessions. Now, a few years on, these have become rare and a quicky or even a hand job is what we manage most of the time. As long as we are open and honest about what is good for us right now, nobody is being left disappointed.

Hmmmmm. honestly I’d rather not shave. He said early on it’s his preference and was surprised I didn’t (said all his previous partners did so out of choice) and he doesn’t enjoy oral with hair. Fair enough, but if it was simply what I want? No I wouldn’t shave. I think i look weird with no hair! under my 2 x yukky c-section overhang 🤦‍♀️
anal- I was open to trying it and happy to do it now and again but he honestly seems to think that ejaculating in “all 3 holes” in a night is…..standard. For me that’s extreme! It’s not like he pressures me, more that I feel I need to keep up with him. He’s said he doesn’t mind it being gentle/ romantic/missionary but personally he finds it boring and finds it hard to be aroused enough to cum without lots of dirty talk, hard doggy, lots of position changes.
I feel a wee bit like I’ve had a gym workout by the end of it 😂and he’s just like “yep, this is normal, when I lived with my ex it was at
least once a day” (not in a you need to do XYZ manner, it was an honest answer to me saying “erm but did your ex’s all shave/want adventurous sex as much as you?)

im not going to lie -I adore him and he’s so sweet, it’s just the nights I’m not with him I really enjoy not feeling like I’m auditioning for (and failing to get😂) a part in a porn video😵‍💫

He sounds exhausting and I suspect he has a major porn habit.

It’s ok to decide this is too much like hard work for you and the sex you are describing doesn’t sound as if you are particularly keen on. What happens if you are together and aren’t in the mood?

honestly every night I’ve been with him there’s been sex of some kind (apart from when I was ill one time and he was very sweet and looked after me)
it’s simply like this is his “norm” but to me his norm is maybe my once a year sexual extravaganza 😂and I’m aware I’m starting to feel increasingly self-conscious and under some pressure (self imposed) to perform which isn’t a good feeling ☹️the times I’ve asked for it to be slow/more tender he totally does but omg then takes hours to cum and is clearly not that pleasured by it but keen to please me…..hence why I was wondering if it’s an age thing? (But going by responses clearly not) or a me thing or not a thing at all 🤷‍♀️)

Yep, he sounds exhausting and manipulative, why is he even telling you how often him and his ex had sex? I'm guessing he's probably lying but he's trying to guilt you into doing it more often.

He certainly doesn't come across as sweet to me

I think I’ve misrepresented him - he is very sweet and caring, so so much. His comment about his exes came from Me saying with incredulity “but did you ask all your exes to shave / try anal?” Thinking of that he must have, but apparently not, they all already did all these things in the first place.

But I do find the sex exhausting!

He doesn’t sound sweet, he sounds awful.

How does he react if you refuse him sex?

Honestly OP first thought I had reading your post is this guy has watched too much porn and its now incapable of enjoying anything that doesnt resemble a porn video. That level of 'activity' does not seem normal to me at any stage of my life. You were younger once, was that normal to you then? Or from what you know of your friends experience?

I haven’t …. Probably because we only meet 1-3 times a week. Sometimes it doesn’t happen because we see a Film or go for a walk etc during my sitter’s time and so we aren’t in bed…and he seems totally ok with that. I do want to be intimate with him as I adore him, I Just don’t think I’m compatible with his “norm” ☹️

I feel knackered just reading your posts OP. It doesn't sound as if you're sexually compatible long term.