feeling stupidly insecure 😞 AIBU?

[Tangofantastic]

Soooo quick history - I’m a single mum of 2, 41 and been seeing a friend / partner for a year or so now. Lovely guy, he has no kids and it’s been a friendship that grew into something more but is limited as I have my ND kids 90% of the time so I only get to see him 2-3 times a week and for a weekend every 8 weeks. (Mix of shift work + my kids).
he’s younger than me by 7 years which probably hits my first insecurity marker🤦‍♀️he’s gorgeous, funny, kind and clever and as conversations happen its clear
he’s had lots of partners before me and is very experienced in bed, I think from
the gen that expects sex to be a bit “exciting” each time, everything shaved etc. no judgement but different to my experience in life so I’ve had my eyes opened in a good way but also I do feel kind of old
sometimes as a result (like, erm what’s up with “boring” missionary and not shaving?!)
anyway fast forward and the last couple of weeks he’s been under some
work stress and every time we meet up and we have sex he can’t Cum- we’ve tried each and every way and…nothing! He’s blasé about it saying it’s just his stress, he can’t even make himself cum when he’s on his own which led to a slightly off tangent chat about how he masturbates Every day and surprise that I seemed taken aback by that, pointing out that if he only gets to see me 1-2 or 3 times a week of course he’ll do that on other days and don’t I? And I had to stop myself saying are
you kidding? The nights I’m not with you I’m in bed by 10 With motherland and asleep by 11😂
is this the younger gen? I feel weirdly old and self conscious after these chats and I can’t work out if I am or if he’s got
an Above average amount of experience and therefore expectation/
drive? starting to wonder if this is really
compatible in the bedroom sense long term 😵‍💫

Oh, it tends to escalate too. They require “tighter” or more extreme sex to get them off as time goes on. More extreme porn.

It’s making you uncomfortable OP. You shouldn’t be uncomfortable with your partner in bed.

Omg this is it! He literally has to “pound” me for like 10 mins at the end to come, it’s not enjoyable and feels really really rough but it’s the only way he can come-never just sort of nice /gentle/ spontaneously. I had no idea it’s actually linked to masturbating to so much to porn.

Sadly it’s fairly common I think. Towards the end I felt a bit used, like i was essentially just an orifice to be used to get him off regardless of how uncomfortable or aggressive it was. My physical discomfort came second to his pleasure. He was also super lovely outside of the bedroom, which bought him more time than it should have done.

Best thing that happened was breaking up with him. I felt a sense of relief.

Why not reverse this. Instead of wondering if you’re the one with the problem, look at it like this:

he can’t come in your vagina (not a huge problem for a few weeks but let’s look at the rest of the list:)
he needs the tightness of anal because his penis is desensitised
he expects anal every time and there seems to be a pressure that you’re boring if you don’t
he dislikes body hair and makes you feel yours isn’t attractive
he can’t get off on slower, more erotic sex
he can’t please a woman in one position because he gets bored
he moves positions constantly because he needs continually new things to keep him stimulated
he makes you feel old and boring
he gets you to have sex in ways which aren’t your preference - not just occasionally but continually

…and then tell me how this makes him good in bed?

It’s like you’re me!

he’s so so lovely outside bedroom and he is lovely in it apart from this need to act out a porn scene EVERY SINGLE TIME before he’s able to come. I had no idea this was a thing. Doesn’t make me feel great but so nice knowing I’m not alone (and hope you’re happier now) 💞

Agh. Reading this made me realllllly think there’s a lot I don’t enjoy. I also clocked I feel self conscious if I’ve not shaved which I resent as I don’t think I generally do feel self conscious as an adult, and he does “need” tightness which somehow makes me feel insecure that I’m not more “tight” down there. Sheesh.

Super happy thank you; been with now DP for several years and he’s a thoroughly nice man, great in bed and makes me extremely happy. They are out there! 😁

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I can tell you (as many others have) this is not the norm. There's 7yrs difference in my marriage. Me being younger (mid 40s) but our sex life is healthy. Sometimes sensual, sometimes a bit like what you've described.... But he doesn't need 10 mins of pounding to cum..... Its called death grip syndrome which ties in nicely with what he thinks/expects sex is like because he watches too much porn.

Tell him you don't want him to touch himself for a week, and when you are together make it all sensual.... Massages, kissing etc.....

Could always turn your insecurity if you wanted to be a bitch if he likes it tight, reverse it and say you like bigger.... Unless he is actually hung like a horse!

He sounds like he has sex like a teenager. In other words he’s recreating hardcore porn he’s been exposed to which has not only become normalised to him but has also left him de sensitised to the fact it’s a performance and not reflective of normal sex in the slightest. Young people literally get taught that now so it’s a shame your partner hasn’t had the same education.

(Just to clarify my knowledge of teenage sex comes from speaking to teenage girls I work with in terms of safeguarding).

Wow what a situation to be in, I really feel for you, this is absolutely nothing to do with you in the bedroom and totally about him. It’s awful to read how he’s making you feel so uncomfortable and exhausted by the sex and having to ‘perform’, and do things you don’t want to, every single time just to please him aghh. I realise outside the bedroom you really like him but I would really think about where this is going and if you really need this in your life. You could be free of this and swap the horrible drawn out sex sessions for your Motherland and sleep and be far happier!

(If you are relieved when the sex is over, and starting to dread the next time you’re due a ‘session’ then this is telling you something!)

He watches too much porn and has no idea what a woman actually likes. I suspect he doesn't even care that much given he's subjecting you to that kind of sex so he can come even though you've already made it clear you don't like it.

Bin him. Sex is important and if he's too immature to sort out his issues, you're better off without him.

It sounds to me like you're not fully enjoying the sex - but not feeling confident enough to admit it. Maybe you want to feel that sex is more of an emotional experience than being a re-play of a porn film. But you probably can't move it in that direction because, really, he's the one controlling how the sex goes.

Sounds exhausting. And like he watches far too much porn. Couldn't put up with this.

Yeah, so his sexual problems are now becoming yours…and yet you were perfectly happy and content before.

He’s continually looking for the thing to tip him over the edge - it’s all about physical pounding and moving about trying to get a certain stimulus. He must know there’s a problem with the very limited ways he’s able to orgasm / enjoy himself. Maybe all the moving about is to disguise the problem so it looks like staying power?

Adventurous sex would be experimental but where you’re also really enjoying pleasuring each other. It sounds like his version of ‘adventure’ actually really lacks meaningful connection and intimacy. He may well be experienced but he’s not really learned a lot about how to pleasure women, has he? He’s not sweeping you away with pleasure when he’s scrutinising your shaving and repositioning you like a sex doll. Banging away while you’re actually quite uncomfortable and not really in a position you’re enjoying is the most unerotic thing! It wouldn’t be so bad if he was willing to listen and learn but it sounds like he isn’t.

I think you need to tell him that he's bad in bed or he'll never learn and you'll have to suffer every time.

Reenacting porn scenes doesn't make for good sex

It sounds like you are sexually incompatible. I don't think there is a "norm" when it comes to sex. You like what you like, and he likes what he likes. Neither of you are "bad" in bed. It sounds like you both, to an extent, try their best to pleasure the other. You mention he goes slow and gentle for you, and you go hard and intense for him. Ultimately, though, if you don't enjoy it, or he doesn't, and you can't find a middle way, then you are not well suited to each other. Different needs and different wants. It's not an age thing just different prefences.