feeling stupidly insecure 😞 AIBU?

[Tangofantastic]

Soooo quick history - I’m a single mum of 2, 41 and been seeing a friend / partner for a year or so now. Lovely guy, he has no kids and it’s been a friendship that grew into something more but is limited as I have my ND kids 90% of the time so I only get to see him 2-3 times a week and for a weekend every 8 weeks. (Mix of shift work + my kids).
he’s younger than me by 7 years which probably hits my first insecurity marker🤦‍♀️he’s gorgeous, funny, kind and clever and as conversations happen its clear
he’s had lots of partners before me and is very experienced in bed, I think from
the gen that expects sex to be a bit “exciting” each time, everything shaved etc. no judgement but different to my experience in life so I’ve had my eyes opened in a good way but also I do feel kind of old
sometimes as a result (like, erm what’s up with “boring” missionary and not shaving?!)
anyway fast forward and the last couple of weeks he’s been under some
work stress and every time we meet up and we have sex he can’t Cum- we’ve tried each and every way and…nothing! He’s blasé about it saying it’s just his stress, he can’t even make himself cum when he’s on his own which led to a slightly off tangent chat about how he masturbates Every day and surprise that I seemed taken aback by that, pointing out that if he only gets to see me 1-2 or 3 times a week of course he’ll do that on other days and don’t I? And I had to stop myself saying are
you kidding? The nights I’m not with you I’m in bed by 10 With motherland and asleep by 11😂
is this the younger gen? I feel weirdly old and self conscious after these chats and I can’t work out if I am or if he’s got
an Above average amount of experience and therefore expectation/
drive? starting to wonder if this is really
compatible in the bedroom sense long term 😵‍💫

Fair question 😂
love the kissing and he’s amazing with foreplay and oral - it’s only when it feels like it becomes like how many positions/ how dirty can you talk etc that I start to not be quite so in the moment and feel a bit self conscious I guess

And what difference does it make? What will happen if you find out you are normal and he's unusual? What will happen if you find out that he's normal, and you are unusual?

Does his name begin with M @Tangofantastic ? He sounds just like my ex, almost identical!!

He has a major porn habit that has made him numb to normal sex, IMO.

My husband is 7 years younger than me and doesn’t watch porn or masturbate, I’m the adventurous one in our relationship, so it’s not an age thing I don’t think.

Well that's not all bad.
Have you talked openly about this to him, all of it?
Have you discussed why he only wants to have sex like he's a pornstar? And how that is making you feel?

Kind of. He knows I like it gentle and he’s incredibly giving with foreplay, it’s simply like he can’t finish if he doesn’t do the whole pornstar “tight” routine and that’s the bit I guess makes me feel a bit insecure….like me on my own isn’t enough, it’s got to be tighter, dirty talk etc for him to finish 🤷‍♀️

Really! No - a G 😂

This is why I absolutely refused to date a man that watches porn, it not his age (he's my age)....he's a porn addict. He literally cannot get off to normal sex. I would break up with him asap.

Don't think this relationship is going to be long lasting as you are in very different circumstances. Have fun but accept it has a shelf life.

Eeeek there's 2 of them 😂

In all seriousness though I felt like I was a performing porn star and it does make you feel exhausted after every session.
Please don't do anything just to please him though. You need to feel comfortable and enjoy it too x

Have you talked to him about that?

A bit…he just says it’s his preference and what he needs to come…sort of it’s not big deal at all To him and he thinks it’s what everyone does🤷‍♀️

exactly! I do feel I’m acting a bit and that doesn’t make me feel that great and I do feel exhausted after a verrrrry long time of him trying to come and me performing feeling self conscious!

It doesn't matter what he thinks everyone else does. It matters whether he's respecting your feelings. If you're telling him how you feel, and he's saying 'Well, everyone else is fine with it', then he's invalidating you.

I do feel I’m acting a bit and that doesn’t make me feel that great

Then why are you doing it? What's the point? What would you lose if you stopped?

Well when I don’t he doesn’t come….so that doesn’t feel great after he’s spent time making sure I have…so it kind of doesn’t sit well with me. But also feeling self conscious doesn’t help but I think that’s more on me than him 🤷‍♀️all he’s doing is stating what he likes and needs to come…it’s just quite different to what I’ve experienced in the past I guess

He sounds like a sex deviant.

Why did all his previous relationships end?

Hmmmm. quite a few short term ones that he said just weren’t for him, one mega long term one with ex fiancée when she cheated, no red flags in terms of endings.

Have you said - look Giles, I know you need me to act like I'm Jenna Jameson in order for you to get your rocks off - but it's really not doing it for me, I don't like performing and pretending, that's not the level of intimacy I like during sex and I don't feel comfortable continuing to fake my enjoyment for you.

Because it sounds like you're dancing around this, and he's making you doubt that it's ok to feel the way you do because his way is "normal", so you're not just saying it plainly to him.

Sounds like he watches too much porn

I won't do anal, not a chance

And he does sound like he has the death grip

I think he needs to lay off the porn and go cold turkey, then build it back up between you two.

He sounds both manipulative and obsessed with sex, along with an unsavoury porn habit. I'd be giving him a swerve, let him find some shaven woman who enjoys rough sex and find someone more on your wavelength. He doesn't sound sweet, he actually sounds quite sinister.

It definitely sounds like the two extremes. You’re quite vanilla, and he’s a porn addict (I have no doubts he is watching porn during his daily solo sessions!) he’s deluded about what real sex is if he thinks it’s the norm to f*ck every hole every time. (And I enjoy anal!)

I think many girls think they’re supposed to like/do certain things so they just do them (hence he’s not asked before)

I’m quite into rough sex etc, but a constant need to dirty talk would definitely put me off. And no one would be telling me I had to shave. I do that only when I choose to, and it causes irritation and discomfort.

He doesn’t sound like someone I’d be wanting to have sex with.

He's given him self death grip from all the wanking.

Needs tightness 🤬

He’s got death grip. Classically caused by constant tight grip on his penis whilst wanking, probably to the sort of performative porn he wants to reenact with you.

I had an ex with this. Sex became an exhausting chore, and he wanted it constantly. I have a high sex drive but it was honestly tedious when it would take him an hour of vigorous sex to reach the end, sometimes even with a good ten minutes of really hard hand job to get there. He openly said he masturbated every day, sometimes multiple times.

They cant go back after this, so ask yourself if that’s what you want your life to be like forever.