feeling stupidly insecure 😞 AIBU?

[Tangofantastic]

Soooo quick history - I’m a single mum of 2, 41 and been seeing a friend / partner for a year or so now. Lovely guy, he has no kids and it’s been a friendship that grew into something more but is limited as I have my ND kids 90% of the time so I only get to see him 2-3 times a week and for a weekend every 8 weeks. (Mix of shift work + my kids).
he’s younger than me by 7 years which probably hits my first insecurity marker🤦‍♀️he’s gorgeous, funny, kind and clever and as conversations happen its clear
he’s had lots of partners before me and is very experienced in bed, I think from
the gen that expects sex to be a bit “exciting” each time, everything shaved etc. no judgement but different to my experience in life so I’ve had my eyes opened in a good way but also I do feel kind of old
sometimes as a result (like, erm what’s up with “boring” missionary and not shaving?!)
anyway fast forward and the last couple of weeks he’s been under some
work stress and every time we meet up and we have sex he can’t Cum- we’ve tried each and every way and…nothing! He’s blasé about it saying it’s just his stress, he can’t even make himself cum when he’s on his own which led to a slightly off tangent chat about how he masturbates Every day and surprise that I seemed taken aback by that, pointing out that if he only gets to see me 1-2 or 3 times a week of course he’ll do that on other days and don’t I? And I had to stop myself saying are
you kidding? The nights I’m not with you I’m in bed by 10 With motherland and asleep by 11😂
is this the younger gen? I feel weirdly old and self conscious after these chats and I can’t work out if I am or if he’s got
an Above average amount of experience and therefore expectation/
drive? starting to wonder if this is really
compatible in the bedroom sense long term 😵‍💫

This guy is porn sick OP. It’s possible to be both an outwardly nice person and someone who is addicted to porn and increasingly extreme sex. It is not normal to expect to ejaculate into all three holes (vom) every night. He can’t come in a vagina because he’s used to throttling it so hard in his fist watching porn.

Ok so it’s not just me who finds this exhausting?!

What answer would have been ideal for you, here? What did you want him to say? What would have made you feel better?

He's only seven years younger than you. He's not from a different generation. It's so weird that you're going on about being old and out of touch with 'his generation' when you are not from different generations at all. It's almost like you think you're 'old' because you've told yourself you're 'old' and you're determined to stick to some sort of 'frazzled middle-aged mum' persona. But I promise you there is a lot more to you than that!

I don't understand why you're worried about his wanking schedule. It doesn't matter. You have sex together; it doesn't matter how often he, or you, masturbates when you're apart. I'm sure if you'd laughed and said exactly what you said about being in bed and knackered with no time for that, he'd have laughed too. You should be able to joke about that stuff with a partner.

Not being able to come absolutely is an issue that affects some men and it's got nothing to do with how good the sex is. It's often down to stress or sometimes medication. The commonest type of antidepressants, for example, can have that side effect. Is it possible he's been prescribed antidepressants and doesn't want to tell you? Or he might just be stressed and knackered and tense and it's just not happening for him at the moment. He's told you it's nothing to worry about, so don't worry about it.

He is choosing to see you and clearly finds you attractive so you really just need to calm down about this and stop telling yourself you're old and fixating on shaving etc.

Is there any discussion about what you like or enjoy OP? It sounds like a one way thing.

I dont think sexual preferences can be a generational thing, humans have not magically evolved in the last 15 years, the only thing that has changed is access to porn, and addictions and expectations resulting from this.

I couldn't think of anything worse.
It sounds like he's using you as an unpaid prostitute.
He sounds utterly revolting, tell him to get a blow up doll and get rid.

I think you might find you feel amazing during sex because you enjoy pleasing him, rather than because you are genuinely enjoying the sex.

Agree it sounds like he has a major porn habit. This is going to get old quickly.

Fucking hell OP. I couldn't cope with this. When I met my now DH I told him I'll never do anal or a threesome & if that's what he expects we're not compatible. Thank goodness he didn't. He sounds like he's been watching too much porn. Yuck.

It’s nothing to do with your age. I’m 42 and OH is 34 and we are fine.

I think he’s too into porn. Explains why he can’t orgasm too. Men who are into porn are generally shit in bed.

Interesting. Maybe I wanted
to hear that to be so adventurous wasn’t the “norm” and to hear it was his entire norm in his ex’s I guess made me feel stupidly insecure and more like 14 than 41. Not sure why 🤷‍♀️

This is true, and not impossible he’s been prescribed meds I wouldn’t know about. he definitely doesn’t think of me as “much” older so I’m not sure why I feel I am. No idea why I’m feeling so insecure but I really am!

he honestly seems to think that ejaculating in “all 3 holes” in a night is…..standard. For me that’s extreme! It’s not like he pressures me, more that I feel I need to keep up with him. He’s said he doesn’t mind it being gentle/ romantic/missionary but personally he finds it boring and finds it hard to be aroused enough to cum without lots of dirty talk, hard doggy, lots of position changes.

I have no time for men who can't make a distinction between what they see in porn and what sex is like in a real-life relationship. Or men who pretend not to know the difference.

You seem very invested in the idea of 'the norm'. What does 'the norm' mean to you? How would you define it?

@LongAndWindingRoads so any of us who enjoy plentiful sex outside of missionary positions are unpaid prostitutes? How lovely.

We are also not all porn addicts, dear pearl-clutchers.

Funny story about generations. When my partner's grandfather died and family went through his belongings, they found a pack of black and white photographs of dominatrix women which were signed to him (by the said women, I presume). It may be surprising for many of you to hear that people enjoyed kink and fetish for many many ears before porn became accessible to most.
Nothing of what you describe OP can be classed as kink or fetish. But the question remains, whether you actually expressed your preferences to your partner. Not in a "I'd like to take it slow today" way but in a way you talk about it here - that you feel sex is performative and exhausting and, as such, maybe you don't connect as well as you would have if he took things down a notch.
You are under no obligation to perform for him or please him. You also don't have to second-guess his reactions. But you do need to communicate if something makes you uncomfortable.

So he knows I prefer it more “gentle” etc and he will do that but it’s obvious he finds it boring and always ends up more “wild” to help him cum as he can’t with the former. Agree about the porn influence.

finds it hard to be aroused enough to cum without lots of dirty talk, hard doggy, lots of position changes.

This sounds exhausting. My partner and I did a lot of missionary before I reached 3rd trimester because it's a position that s pleasurable for both of us. We do others too but don't feel the need to switch around for the sake of it.

Variety comes in many forms - in the build up ( have you been together all day? Been messaging? Found a moment for a quickie?) In How you touch each other -rhythm, speed, who leads.

It sounds rather performative and try hard with him. If those are his tastes that's fine but it's no better or worse than what you enjoy.

I guess it’s just that prior to him my experience was more vanilla and at the start I thought maybe he was sort of showing off his skills. But as time has gone on I’ve realised a standard night for him or his norm = what I’d call adventurous and out my norm or expectations and preference. So I was wondering if i am unusually inexperienced or if he is quite extreme in his tastes (nothing wrong with that but a definite difference in our styles/energy 😂)

it does feel like a porn shoot a lot ☹️though he would say different I think

I'm 34, my partner is 32, and sex for us is nothing like this, so it's not an age/generation thing. I was actually a virgin til recently, havent even reached the double digits of times i've had sex, and i'm not sure how many women partner has slept with prior to me, but theres been at least a few. I'm still learning the ropes whilst he's decently experienced, and partner has been very open about how they're just a "vanilla, missionary" kind of guy. I'd be put right off sleeping with a guy like your partner, it's very porn flick sounding type sex where as for me i want the emotional connection, and my partner is wonderfully attentive asking how it feels for me/if i like what he's doing etc. If my partner needed multiple positions, going at it super hard or the tightness of anal to ejaculate, i'd feel like a sex doll not a loved or respected partner.

He does say he needs it to be really “tight” for him to cum which is why he likes anal. I just feel out my depth which is absurd aged 41!

The "fact" that all his exes were into it would make me wary.

Also, that you feel like it's a performance is not good and he is bored if it's more gentle. It really shouldn't feel like that, it is wrong and you will end up feeling resentful. I think he is using you for his pleasure, this is not a mutual exploration of love and sex.

He sounds repulsive in the extreme

That will be because he's so used to hard wanking that he's lost sensation

I’d say I wasn’t totally green, I like sex, my drive was higher than my ex’s so it’s not like I don’t enjoy it or experimenting but this honestly feels like a whole new level as it’s every single time we have sex- he seems to “need” the whole thing at to me to be able to finish 🤷‍♀️

OP can you explain what it is that you enjoy about having sex with him?