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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dads new GF and new baby

93 replies

BrummyJoan · 30/11/2023 18:18

A bit of a backstory to this one:
My widowed DF met his new GF about 8 months ago. It’s his first relationship since DM passing. I gave birth to my first DD 4 months ago. I met new GF once before birth. I had an extremely traumatic birth and was quite poorly afterwards, took a while to get home and was readmitted with sepsis. DF came to the hospital once and spent the whole time on his phone. After this he refused to visit me and DD until a would let GF meet her, lots of crying arguments about this and DH had to step in and tell him to stop contacting me until I was ready.

here’s my AIBU -
I have to have some work done on my bathroom to fix a leak. I don’t want DD here when it’s done due to dust etc. this is being done by freeholder of our building. DH is away with work during this time. DF offered to take DD to a local cafe for a few hours while this is done, it now transpires he wants GF, her adult daughter and the daughter’s husband to join him for this. AIBU to say no? I’ve never met the daughter or her husband and my child isn’t a play thing.
I don’t want to damage my relationship further with DF but to be honest I am really struggling with this whole thing. I’m happy he isn’t lonely but it’s moving very fast.

OP posts:
SherbetDips · 30/11/2023 18:20

I think you’re being unreasonable, your dad has offered to take her out the way and assuming he’s a good person it’s weird to assume his gf wouldn’t be fine too. Unless there are other factors.

Pyjamaramma · 30/11/2023 18:24

Totally unreasonable sorry.

Ponoka7 · 30/11/2023 18:25

Ultimately it's your decision. I don't think that it is fast, when you are older dating is very different. Unless you think that she's just a rebound relationship until he moves on again. Your DD won't be bonding with them. If I was your Dad I'd take it that you don't trust me with my GC. He's met her family and judged them decent enough to be in his life. Unless his decision making is questionable, I think that you are being very unfair. He doesn't have to go into a period of mourning to suit you.

Mrsphilmiller · 30/11/2023 18:27

You’re being very weird about this, OP.

Ponderingwindow · 30/11/2023 18:30

I spent a great deal of time reading about how men who have been in long-term marriages tend to react after the death of their wife. Dating quickly is extremely common. They fear being alone more than anything. At their age, the single women far outnumber the single and considered eligible men. A widower is like catnip.

the truth is that I saw it happen. just weeks after my mother died, we went to visit my father for support. We went into town and women were literally stopping him in the street to flirt in front of us. It was unbelievable.

my father was in a serious relationship within a couple of months and she remains a part of our lives. I’m never going to be truly happy about it. That is mainly because he treats her better than he treated my mother.

your father is acting like every other man in his situation. The sooner you can forgive him for being a walking stereotype, the easier you will sleep.

Muchof · 30/11/2023 18:30

YABVVU. I cannot even understand why it matters.

TheCatSatOnMyHat · 30/11/2023 18:31

Wait, do I have this right - your Dad cried at you multiple times because you didn't want him to visit you with his new GF?

And so far you've only met the new GF once? But not because your Dad hasn't tried? Why don't you want to meet her, or have her meet your DD?

As for your Dad taking your DD for a few hours and the GF/her family being there, sounds like a really nice solution to me, might you not nip along for a bit to meet them too?

MintJulia · 30/11/2023 18:33

Your dad will look after your little one, you know that. She'll be safe in her pram, or at most, being held. He's doing you a favour

But you have to accept that your dad has a new partner. That new partner is clearly capable of raising a child safely, and presumably did a good job since they are still close. You're being unreasonable and divisive, unless you are seriously saying you don't trust your dad.

Anyway he can't drink hot coffee while holding a 4 month old.

Zanatdy · 30/11/2023 18:33

Sorry but agree it sounds like you’re being very unreasonable. Why don’t you want this lady meeting your baby?

Original poster
BrummyJoan · 30/11/2023 18:33

I get what you are all saying, I guess I’m still hurt that my dad refused to visit when I was unwell as I didn’t feel ready to have his GF in my home. I’d spent 4 days in ICU with postnatal sepsis and I just needed some compassion but he kept telling me to think about how hurt she would be as she was devastated to not have met my child in the first week apparently. Despite me being in ICU 24 hours after discharge.
also just some red flags me and siblings have noticed but that’s up to my DF to solve, he’s an adult.
anyway, I’ve been told, if I want his offer it’s on his terms. Otherwise I will make do.

OP posts:
Mummymummy89 · 30/11/2023 18:33

The bit I'm unsure about is why do you need childcare? Just take your own baby to the cafe.

The tradesmen do not need you there.

I think you can't ask your df to take your baby but then make injunctions about who he brings along etc.

Mummymummy89 · 30/11/2023 18:34

BrummyJoan · 30/11/2023 18:33

I get what you are all saying, I guess I’m still hurt that my dad refused to visit when I was unwell as I didn’t feel ready to have his GF in my home. I’d spent 4 days in ICU with postnatal sepsis and I just needed some compassion but he kept telling me to think about how hurt she would be as she was devastated to not have met my child in the first week apparently. Despite me being in ICU 24 hours after discharge.
also just some red flags me and siblings have noticed but that’s up to my DF to solve, he’s an adult.
anyway, I’ve been told, if I want his offer it’s on his terms. Otherwise I will make do.

This is very dreadful and is a good reason to go low-contact with your dad.

But you aren't, instead you want him to babysit? Just, alone? It doesn't make sense, why are you blaming the GF for your dad being a crap dad?

Original poster
BrummyJoan · 30/11/2023 18:36

To be honest I’m trying to reestablish our relationship. Is mentioned about the work and he offered, then this has all come up. I hadn’t really spoken to him since.

OP posts:
greencheetah · 30/11/2023 18:37

How long ago did your DM pass away OP?

It does sound like you are being unreasonable, but if there's a massive drip feed coming that she died in January that would alter my response somewhat.

losingthe · 30/11/2023 18:37

Seems like he's trying to make an effort, let him take her to the cafe. Or better yet, why don't you go too and make an afternoon of it meeting his gf ? You'll have to eventually and you might like her !

tenbob · 30/11/2023 18:38

I’m with you, OP

There is something quite icky about your dad leaping at the chance to parade your baby as a tool to ingratiate himself with his girlfriends new family, like asking to borrow your mum’s new car to show off to a new boyfriend when you’re 18

It is also quite off that instead of seeing this as an opportunity to rebuild with you, he is using it as opportunity to alienate himself further from you just so he can cosplay doting grandad

You and your daughter aren’t an accessory for him to act like a lovestruck teen

BitOutOfPractice · 30/11/2023 18:38

Why don’t you take baby to the cafe and you can all meet there?

harriethoyle · 30/11/2023 18:39

Sorry if I've missed it but when did your DM die @BrummyJoan?

Howlongdoesittake · 30/11/2023 18:40

I understand how you feel and don't think you are being incredibly unreasonable. You obviously had a fairly traumatic birth and have recently lost your mum. I understand your dad offering to babysit but do see why you are uncomfortable about it. Can you take the baby out yourself and leave the builders to it?

MintJulia · 30/11/2023 18:40

OP, he wants you to stop treating him like an idiot, and his girlfriend like a pariah, He's expecting you to behave like an adult, show him some respect and get to know her before making a judgement.

That's not unreasonable.

Original poster
BrummyJoan · 30/11/2023 18:42

Nothing off with when DM died. This was a while ago. For additional context from what I understand she is low contact with her daughter, they haven’t seen each other in over 5 years. Daughter was raised overseas by her dad and my dad mentioned my DD might be a good distraction to help them mend bridges

OP posts:
Bluevelvetsofa · 30/11/2023 18:43

BitOutOfPractice · 30/11/2023 18:38

Why don’t you take baby to the cafe and you can all meet there?

Exactly

tenbob · 30/11/2023 18:43

MintJulia · 30/11/2023 18:40

OP, he wants you to stop treating him like an idiot, and his girlfriend like a pariah, He's expecting you to behave like an adult, show him some respect and get to know her before making a judgement.

That's not unreasonable.

Have you just read a totally different post, or are you projecting because NONE of that is apparent from the OP

bizarre

Gnomegnomegnome · 30/11/2023 18:43

They had only been together for four months before you gave birth so I do understand that but now you need to decide whether it is worth losing your dad over.

Can you move on and if not when do you think is appropriate for her to meet your LO? Months, years?

Mummymummy89 · 30/11/2023 18:49

The only key point that I think is relevant is that your dad was unsupportive after your traumatic birth and sepsis. (I really get it, I had a traumatic birth and sepsis.) He spent time on his phone when visiting you, and then was weird/insensitive about insisting that you spend time with his gf.

You would be totally reasonable not to want to see him much after that fiasco. You would not be unreasonable if you didn't want him to babysit. He sounds like a crappy dad and therefore it's reasonable to assume he'll be a crappy grandad.

But instead you do want him to babysit. But not with his gf. Why? It doesn't make sense. I can't see particularly what the gf has done wrong except making a bad choice of boyfriend