Dads new GF and new baby

[BrummyJoan]

A bit of a backstory to this one:
My widowed DF met his new GF about 8 months ago. It’s his first relationship since DM passing. I gave birth to my first DD 4 months ago. I met new GF once before birth. I had an extremely traumatic birth and was quite poorly afterwards, took a while to get home and was readmitted with sepsis. DF came to the hospital once and spent the whole time on his phone. After this he refused to visit me and DD until a would let GF meet her, lots of crying arguments about this and DH had to step in and tell him to stop contacting me until I was ready.

here’s my AIBU -
I have to have some work done on my bathroom to fix a leak. I don’t want DD here when it’s done due to dust etc. this is being done by freeholder of our building. DH is away with work during this time. DF offered to take DD to a local cafe for a few hours while this is done, it now transpires he wants GF, her adult daughter and the daughter’s husband to join him for this. AIBU to say no? I’ve never met the daughter or her husband and my child isn’t a play thing.
I don’t want to damage my relationship further with DF but to be honest I am really struggling with this whole thing. I’m happy he isn’t lonely but it’s moving very fast.

Totally agree!

Eurgh. Still can't work Mumsnet.

YANBU OP...Trust your gut on this one.

I don t get either why you get some flack
I can understand the need for older people to find a companion quickly after a bereavement, but he is doing it all wrong: rushed, insensitive to your circumstances (including hospitalisation) and feelings, boorish

And one of the reasons he wants to meet his GDD on that particular occasion would to use as a prop to smooth out family tensions within the GF family as well?!? The self-serving audacity of both.

Sorry for you, OP, not sure you ll make your F see sense

I don't blame you at all, OP. He's being really demanding.

You must be so hurt that he didn't want to see you or DD when you were ill unless she was present.

Is he effectively saying 'accept GF or you won't see me'? If so, and especially as you say he has been a dreadful Father over the years, I would go with your gut and not accept his offer.

Ok this does not AT ALL sound like the OP. The OP sounds pretty reasonable to me actually and very far from batshit cray cray. I don’t think you should be comparing them.

Stop being such hard work and creating problems.

Yes, OP. So unreasonable not to let your baby be a prop in a reconciliation between two people you've never met.

OP's dad and GF can be a matching set of people whose adult children don't talk to them.

OP isn't being difficult. Her baby is 4 months old! Many here wouldn't want their 4 month old out of their sight!

She doesn't want her 4 month old being taken out and passed around a load of people she doesn't know. That's reasonable enough without them playing happy families over the baby.

“I’ve been told, if I want his offer it’s on his terms”

That’s how it’s controlling. Think of the other ways he coughs have handled the situation. He could compromise, he could do what you want without question, he could not mention anything to you and keep all the bullshit away from a new mum who is still reviving from a traumatic birth. Instead, he’s made contact because he wants something from the situation and he is unwilling to listen to any other viewpoint ie he’s being controlling.

Does that sounds like something he usually does? What’s the consequence of not doing what he wants? Silent treatment? Anger? Self-pity?

Sorry…hadn’t read the replies and summed that people were referring to your dad when they mentioned controlling, not you! If anyone is being controlling in this situation is most definitely your dad!!

@nfkl @Happyholidays78
Can you explain how you know this is 'rushed' or equivalent to a relationship a few weeks after a death?

I can't see where OP has told us when her mother died.

That's pretty much how I see it.

Best decision, OP. Crap fathers aren't worth bothering with.

You are the one who seems to think your daughter is a play thing. Stop being so unreasonable.

Yanbu.

I'm quite surprised that there are adults in existence who would see a baby as a "play thing" or some sort of positive distraction during a coffee date... Personally, I've felt nothing but disappointment at having to share my socialising time with other people's children.
On that basis, I suggest handing over the baby (and a spare one if can be found somewhere ) for the outing without a worry. It will ensure they never ask again and the girlfriend is not seen for dust.

😆😆😆😆

I think you are just really missing your mum. Even if you weren't close you will be missing your ideal of her. New mums need their mothers as you need nurturing. It must have been so scary having sepsis. That said, try not to alienate your DF as he is family. Maybe just meet this lady briefly and then see if it lasts. Hugs.