Dads new GF and new baby

[BrummyJoan]

A bit of a backstory to this one:
My widowed DF met his new GF about 8 months ago. It’s his first relationship since DM passing. I gave birth to my first DD 4 months ago. I met new GF once before birth. I had an extremely traumatic birth and was quite poorly afterwards, took a while to get home and was readmitted with sepsis. DF came to the hospital once and spent the whole time on his phone. After this he refused to visit me and DD until a would let GF meet her, lots of crying arguments about this and DH had to step in and tell him to stop contacting me until I was ready.

here’s my AIBU -
I have to have some work done on my bathroom to fix a leak. I don’t want DD here when it’s done due to dust etc. this is being done by freeholder of our building. DH is away with work during this time. DF offered to take DD to a local cafe for a few hours while this is done, it now transpires he wants GF, her adult daughter and the daughter’s husband to join him for this. AIBU to say no? I’ve never met the daughter or her husband and my child isn’t a play thing.
I don’t want to damage my relationship further with DF but to be honest I am really struggling with this whole thing. I’m happy he isn’t lonely but it’s moving very fast.

I would be really hurt that he didn’t visit you when your well poorly.

My sister has been with my BIL for more than 16 years and we get on well but if I was really unwell and feeling vulnerable then my sister would come to see me on my own.

But you want him to do you a favour by taking your DD out and your DD won’t be left alone with her or anything so I think YABU about it.

As another poster put it - you’re being weird about this

@tenbob well, look at it from his point of view. He's been with this lady for 8 months. She obviously forms a large part of his social circle. He wants his dd to accept that. He's moved on and that's not wrong.

But while the OP is happy for her df to look after the baby, she's not happy if the girlfriend is present. Doesn't she trust her dad to choose someone lovely? Does she imagine her df would allow something horrible to happen to a precious grandchild? It doesn't make sense.

You want your daughter out the house, he's offered to take her as a favour. If he takes her, what he does is up to him.

If you don't like that, don't take him up on his offer. Means you need to find someone else to have her, take her out yourself or have her in the house.

I understand what you are all saying, I guess I’m hurt that it felt like an olive branch from him ( I didn’t ask, I’d actually already lined up a mate but he said he wanted to spend time with her) now just feels a way for him to have DD be an activity for GF and her family. Anyway, for many reasons I will decline his offer and sort myself out.
He has been a crap dad and I need to live wit that now and focus on my family

Yabu.

You need to accept gf

I've had a similar issue, my dad was widowed twice. Bit my new step mums have been glorious abd a welcome addition to the family

You are being silly. He has his own life to lead

Im sorry to hear you lost your mum OP, your then unborn daughters Grandma/Nan.

So you were just pregnant when your dear Mum died?
I don't know why that has been broadly (totally?) Ignored in the feedback.

Is it that you want your dad and daughter to bond before him introducing her to his girlfriend and all their family (that are not your family).

I think i would feel the same.
In your last post OP you say he wasn't a great dad anyway. This is another example perhaps, of him putting others feelings before yours.

I don't know the full story but i don't blame you preferring to leave your daughter with a trusted friend than be showboated by your father.

I think that, essentially, you’re not happy that your father has a new partner and you are simply looking for reasons to exclude her. You may not even be conscious of this, but every single thing you say is basically “I don’t want this woman anywhere near me or my baby” as if you consider her to be some kind of threat. She’s your dad’s partner and they’re obviously very serious about each other. It’s pretty normal that she wants to meet you and his grandchild. Why is it a problem for her to see your baby? How is your baby going to be affected by your dad's partner seeing her?

I don’t think the fact that you had a difficult birth is a rational reason to refuse to let her set foot in your home with your father. She’s his partner. Why is her presence in your house for an hour or so such a problem?

I think you probably have all sorts of complicated feelings going on due to having just had a baby and feeling that your dad is trying to replace your mum, and that you probably don’t even quite understand or acknowledge those feelings yourself. You need to deal with them, though, because at the moment you’ve basically just got a very strong hostility to someone for the sole reason that she’s in love with your widowed dad.

I'm assuming from.your refusal to answer the many posts asking when your DM died that it wasn't recent. In those circumstances you are being unreasonable. I'm surprised having lost one parent, you're cutting yourself off from the other but that's your choice.

@BrummyJoan Have to agree here- Men who lose wives are indeed sought after - no ''ex wife'' to be in the picture- I too have been really surprised at how men who appeared to really love their wives get with a new woman SO damned quickly when they lose their wife.

It's just the way men seem to be.

They don't take to being alone as well as women do.

I think you are being unreasonable. Whether you like it or not, this is his new life and you sound to be trying to control his life via withholding a relationship with you/his grand daughter.

From ops posts I don’t think you are upset about your mum being replaced. I think it’s 2 things

first, your dad sounds like he’s not the best and I sense you feel like the issue is him not putting you first for once when you were really unwell.

second, I suspect you worry he is trying to manoeuvre her into the grandmother role and you are not keen - understandable as she is a stranger to you. FWIW, both my kids step grandparents have been very respectful of the fact they are not the ‘real’ grandparents and have forged a different relationship with the kids. Similar to you, both entered dh’s life when he was well into adulthood so the relationship will be different.

I don’t think you are doing anything wrong - your baby is still so little and you have been through a tough time.

He wants the borrow the baby, not because he wants to spend time with his own grandchild, but because he thinks it will be a nice icebreaker between his girlfriend and her estranged daughter so he can help broker a reconciliation in a public place

That sort of saviour complex is weird enough before we bring in the baby’s role in it

Why is he so invested in what makes this woman happy, to the detriment of his own daughter?

If this was a thread by a girlfriend of 8 months insisting on meeting the granddaughter of her new boyfriend and explaining that he wouldn’t visit his daughter who was recovering from sepsis unless she could also come, she would get her arse roundly served to her on a plate btw

I would flip this around.

He wasn’t there when you needed him and so he now owes you and he can start by looking after your DD.

If he wants to bring his GF to show her that he’s a doting dad or whatever, then more fool him but it doesn’t affect you or your DD so I wouldn’t give it too much thought.

Well said @tenbob

OMG! No, YANBU!!!

He doesnt want to spend time with your daughter specifically, he’s using her as a bargaining chip to make you have a relationship with his GF.

The GF isn’t in contact with her own DD, so your dad wants to use your baby as tool to mend their relationship?! Nope.

If he’s that desperate to spend time with his GD he can come visit on his own. If he closes not to then that’s on him.

Sounds like GF is playing at being a granny. Why would she be upset with not being turn DD in the first week? She’s not close to you so why works she be close to your DD?

Ignore the “be mature about it” bollox. It’s not immature to have boundaries. Apologies, but when did you lose your mum? Mine died nearly two years ago and I find conversations with my dad about him dating really difficult. It’s like he’s replacing her and before anyone comes out with “he’s got a right to live his life”, I also have the right to not have to listen to it. I could never imagine anyone replacing mum and find it distasteful to think he could.

YANBU. I say yes to your dada and perhaps the gf but I wouldn’t want her daughter and husband there as well. In effect three strangers with agendas the baby doesn’t know

why not ask your dad to stay t yours when the workmen re there and you go out with the baby

YABVU.
I don't understand why you are being so controlling and weird about it. Of course he wants to spend time with his partner and grandchild. I don't understand what you're trying to achieve unless you believe she is a safeguarding risk to your child?

Tell workmen to keep bathroom door shut -surely they know you won’t want dust through the house. Tell LL you are concerned about dust ,tell workmen this too, keep DD in the kitchen or wherever is least dust.
I wouldn’t want show off Dad and anxious DGf (as she is seeing her DD for the first time in forever) to have baby. It’s a busy cafe . Keep her home.
Go and see Dad and GF at a time that suits you in a week or three.

I think your father is a fucking jerk. Keep your baby at home, in a room with the door closed. She'll be fine.

He's been seeing her for 8 months and your baby will have no memory of it.

Lol.

Love how 8 months in this situation is a very serious, involved complex relationship that OP MUST respect but when someone wants to introduce their children after 8 months they’re in a transient, doomed relationship they can’t possibly know will last but crack on and forge a relationship with a baby you’re not related to 🙄

Your baby is a baby. A tiny one at that. She won't care about who is present or what the dynamic is. If she's awake, all she will care about is being warm/fed/cuddled/changed when necessary.

If you could do with some time with someone else looking after her, then for me the main question would be - do you trust your dad to look after her safely and meet her needs? If you don't, or you feel it is too early for her to be away from her primary caregiver, then YANBU to refuse.

Fwiw, I wouldn't have cared where my mum took my DC as a baby - to visit friends, a pet convention, a book group - because I trusted her.

You have already lost your mother. Please don't ruin your relationship with your father. You are being completely unreasonable. Don't let this be the hill you choose to die on.

YANBU. I would not want my newborn being passed around by people I’ve not met or met once and don’t like. It’s clear that your dad is using your baby to make his girlfriend happy which is the wrong reason entirely. The girlfriend insisting on this and having a tantrum about seeing an effective stranger’s baby is weird and would be enough of a red flag for me to refuse.