Dads new GF and new baby

[BrummyJoan]

A bit of a backstory to this one:
My widowed DF met his new GF about 8 months ago. It’s his first relationship since DM passing. I gave birth to my first DD 4 months ago. I met new GF once before birth. I had an extremely traumatic birth and was quite poorly afterwards, took a while to get home and was readmitted with sepsis. DF came to the hospital once and spent the whole time on his phone. After this he refused to visit me and DD until a would let GF meet her, lots of crying arguments about this and DH had to step in and tell him to stop contacting me until I was ready.

here’s my AIBU -
I have to have some work done on my bathroom to fix a leak. I don’t want DD here when it’s done due to dust etc. this is being done by freeholder of our building. DH is away with work during this time. DF offered to take DD to a local cafe for a few hours while this is done, it now transpires he wants GF, her adult daughter and the daughter’s husband to join him for this. AIBU to say no? I’ve never met the daughter or her husband and my child isn’t a play thing.
I don’t want to damage my relationship further with DF but to be honest I am really struggling with this whole thing. I’m happy he isn’t lonely but it’s moving very fast.

This I don’t really get the big deal

I’ve been sending updates and photos for weeks, I’ve offered to meet them and have GF over for tea and a cuddle. This is the first contact I’ve had back.
can someone please explain how this is controlling?

Your baby is a baby. A tiny one at that. She won't care about who is present or what the dynamic is. If she's awake, all she will care about is being warm/fed/cuddled/changed when necessary.

While I agree with this, I don't think op's father is going to be any good at feeding and cuddling if he just sat there in hospital playing candy crush while his own daughter was bleeding and recovering from sepsis in the bed nearby.

Op, ignore the guilt tripping pps who are saying you need to put up with a terrible parent because you've lost your other one (I'm sorry for your loss).

You do not need to put up with an unsupportive dad when you're still recovering from a traumatic birth and looking after a small baby. Your needs and your baby's needs trump his, hugely.

@BrummyJoan you aren’t going to get very much kindness, understanding, empathy or compassion on Mumsnet unfortunately. And especially not on AIBU.
So be kind to yourself. You’ve been through a lot, the loss of your mum, and then having to see your dad in a new relationship, the traumatic birth, new motherhood without your own mum (which probably adds to your feelings of grief). I think what you are feeling runs deeper than the cafe trip with your dad’s partner’s family. I’m guessing a big part of you is feeling that it should be your mum enjoying the new baby, rather than this stranger that’s come into all of your lives. It’s a very delicate and complex situation. I’m so glad your husband had your back at your most vulnerable time x

Erm no way would I let someone take my 4 month old away from me in that scenario . You say your dad hasn't even visited you. So he doesn't know your daughter. And you don't have a good relationship, he is wanting to use your child to appease his girlfriend who you don't even know.
This is not a loving grandfather wanting to look after grandchild to help you out. It's someone acting completely selfishly. I would be saying a big no.
Why can't you take the baby out yourself? Do you need to be in when the work is done? I'd see about leaving a key with a neighbour and going to stay elsewhere for a day or 2.

I think you have a subconscious fierce loyalty to your late mother. Thats perfectly understandable.

But presumably the gf has done nothing wrong. Don't make your father be in a position where he has to choose.

You're also cutting your nose off to spite your face by giving him terms and conditions on the childcare.

The gf will likely be part of your family so I would just accept it.

Your dad is being ridiculous.

He wasn't there when you were really ill and prioritised the feelings of new GF.

And now, he would prefer not to see his grandchild if he can't use her as a toy with GF.

There is no way I'd send a 4 month old baby out with a man who doesn't know her (grandparent or not) and three total randomers who you haven't met.

You’re not being controlling

Some of the replies you’ve had are ridiculous and I would bet my house that none of the posters accusing you of being ‘weird’ or ‘controlling’ would back the GF if she posted on here from her/your dad’s perspective

It sounds like you’ve made your mind up to cancel with him, so do it and put it out of your mind, and concentrate on your lovely baby

Not even remotely unreasonable. You’ve recently had a baby, had a tough birth and adjustment to motherhood (all without your own mum) and your dad was more interested in his GF and her feelings than you during recovery - that would be difficult for anyone! You don’t owe anyone access to your baby, let alone in the first week! I would say, having been in a similar position recently, that it is probably better to appear on board and let people make their own mistakes so if you could go with them or meet them after the contractors have left then you might feel more comfortable about the situation rather than feeling ambushed and like your DD is being used on some peace keeping mission. This might help the relationship with your dad and mean he is happy to see you alone rather than forcing the initial first meet. Or failing that you could say she’s not well/teething/clingy and you won’t be leaving her with them, plans change with babies all the time! Sending you a lot of love because it isn’t at all easy xx

I can't relate to these replies at all. Nothing on this land would move me to allow my 4 month old baby to be looked after by 3 strangers and 1 person who I suspected was offering for nontransparent reasons. I would never allow this.

I totally agree with this.

Actually, I think that is a good plan.
Dd is not a toy.

YANBU - your DF doesnt ‘know’ your baby. How baby feeds, winds, needs attention or not. I wouldn’t be allowing my young baby to anyone who wasn’t familiar with them x

Not unreasonable at all. He doesn't get to just be a part of her life as and when he decides and shows her off to people.

My lovely aunt went out with a man who had a similar daughter.. she used to bring her late mother's ashes with her when she visited him (and my aunt) .. completely bonkers . Made him choose having a girlfriend over seeing his grandchildren.. awful. Truly awful and mind staggeringly selfish of the daughter.

@Ponderingwindow I could of written your post, it's heartbreaking. Particularly poignant the part you said where he treats her better than he treat your mum.

OP stick to your guns. Even from a safeguarding perspective, you don’t know these people - why would you entrust them with your precious child.

Holy Hell! Your aunt must have been gobsmacked when she popped up with the ashes!

I've been in your situation with a family member who was in a very serious relationship just weeks after his wife of 31 year's died & his attitude was we had to go along with it or be gone. It's very easy for other's to say 'get on with it' & 'be happy for them' but it feels so soon & disloyal to the person who has died. If you don't feel comfortable don't do it. I do agree with a previous poster though: men cannot cope being alone even for a short while. I never expected my relative to remain alone for the rest of his day's but I expected him to give it some time, respect his wife's memory & take it slowly but that was not meant to be & ultimately tore the family apart xx

Agree with this 99%, we don't know whether absence on op's Mum is a big deal, but definitely OP comes accross as feeling undervalued from everything she's been through.
My Dad was my main parent due to maternal absence, there were things he didn't get for sure.
OP, your Dad may never "get" it. Does he really know how you feel have you had the deep and meaningful with him?

1
@10HailMarys you are honestly clueless. Your comments are very heartless and not understanding her POV at all. To have your father choose effectively a stranger initially over your mum and his wife of decades is honestly so painful.
I really feel for you op this really resonates

Your dad sounds like a self centred arsehoe, all about him and his wants. Is that true?

Fucking hell, sometimes when I read mumsnet, it reminds me how bizarrely some people view the world

I think you are getting a hard time and previous posters are being weird and thoughtless OP.

Your Df behaved awfully after your birth and was clearly more bothered about his new girlfriend. Seems same story now. Of course you were right to expect him to put your feelings first after you had just had a baby and then been really ill.

You are completely entitled to have a relationship with him first and foremost and to ask to go slow in how your relationship develops with his partner or at least in how quickly she assumes the grandma role which is all you are essentially saying.

Im sorry he has let you down OP. The postnatal period is so sensitive and I bet you were really missing your mum too. He behaved like an arse.

Im glad you have alternative options.

It's not just men. My mum had another bloke within months of my father dying (they'd been married for more than forty years).

It's hard to deal with, even though we know that life moves on. But five months into a relationship when you're on your sixties is very different from in your twenties. And as the adult child, you have to accept it and recognise the relationship.

My kids were 2 and 4 as I found it hard as I could see that they were going to lose the member of their grandpa very quickly, and maybe start seeing this (perfectly pleasant guy) as a replacement. (That didn't happen though, to be fair).

But yes, the early visit thing when you were ill was unfortunate. But you're going to have to get over it and not punish him.