To ask if anyone else has become completely intolerant of other people?

[Theblindkraken]

Now I’ll be clear here. I don’t think I’ve said a mean or unkind thing to anyone for at least 10 years. I’m very polite, very kind, very generous and incredibly good at behaving in a way I believe other people would like me to. I care about other people’s feelings and go out of my way to not offend them….
Jesus though, I hate it. I literally dread spending time with people. It’s the worse thing I have to do. I get ill if I have to spend too much time in a social environment, I can do it, I perform, I make conversation and stuff but I can’t wait until it’s over and the next day I feel drained like I’ve run a marathon. It really takes a whole day for me to feel normal and productive again.
on the plus side, I’ve learnt to do almost everything from simple carpentry and plumbing to tiling in order to avoid having to entertain tradesmen, my work from home job is brilliant and I don’t know of anyone my age with such a lovely garden.
it’s not normal though is it?
attended a small family gathering yesterday, been utterly hopeless today, feels almost like flu and now I’ll need to go hell for leather tomorrow to finish my project on time. Fucks my week up everytime I do it. I could spend years in isolation… socialising is painful though.

Tbf it is completely normal, many people (myself included) feel happiest when alone or in the company of their nearest and dearest. I think many people struggle with it because we're told we need to be outgoing and fun and doing social stuff and I always fell short of that and thought there was something wrong with me :') There isn't though, I just naturally prefer quiet pursuits, socialising one on one, highly prefer solitary working. Just as others naturally want to be around other people, like big groups etc.

The older you get though the less social pressures there are on socialising with friends or going out etc so you can actually lean into that a bit more... Basically there's nothing wrong with you. Start with yourself, what do you want to do? As opposed to what you think you should be doing or how you think you should be

I’m going to go against the grain here and this may not go over well….but here goes.

OP you do indeed sound introverted and I think a lot of people justifiably struggle with the pressure modern life puts on them to assimilate with a kind of generic extroverted veneer.

BUT I do also think some people have indulged this to extremes and have pathologised themselves for reasons which are problematic for society. I think COVID really exacerbated this and allowed people who have these tendencies to take them to extremes.

Feeling a strong urge to recharge in your own company etc is understandable. But some of the rhetoric you see around this is vaguely sinister. This “it’s too peoply out there” stuff and talking about “people flu” is quite worrying.

Historically there’s always been a degree to which people have had to integrate with others in their community. Some people have always craved more isolation and individuality than others. But our society to some degree depends on interaction between people. For different groups of people to be able to agree a social contract, to negotiate in the interests of the broader need, there has to be some degree of accommodation of differences, some ability to see other perspectives and sometimes some personal discomfort.

So I am uncomfortable with the idea that people become ever more atomised in their own words with an ever more self selected group.

Making your world work for you is fine. Choosing not to do stuff you don’t want is fine. Decrying and excluding everyone who isn’t your own nuclear family is not fine.

Nah I agree with op (except for some reason I actually also need the company of people to stay sane so it's like I occasionally have to torture myself for therapeutic purposes).

Totally agree with this.

There is nothing wrong with having a social interaction, having some doubts 'did they like me, I dont know if I did that right' and then working on those doubts.

Its the social anxiety that needs fixing and there are ways of doing that

Its also ok to have social interactions which are different to others, you dont have to bowl in and be the life and soul of the party, starting the conga, drink in hand, its absolutely fine to be the quiet person chatting to people one on one, nothing wrong with that.

I am the same OP.
Only child, always happier on my own.
Hated school and gritted my teeth throughout the whole of my working life and social events.
Now I can usually avoid things but still hate anything involving other people.
I have tried to be different and it hasn't worked.
I have accepted it and I am now happier than I have ever been.
Hope this helps

I think it’s fine to socialise with who you want
I am ND- ASD
I definitely get sore throats and feel like I’m getting the flu with too much socialising. I think it is the masking required to get through.
and until you have gone through this, it’s very hard to comment. There are times I find it debilitating and no ‘pushing through’ helps

I'm autistic and relate. For me it's a mini burn out from masking. If I don't give myself time to recover then it's full burnout and a breakdown.

If you hate the family gatherings so much just don't go. I'm quite introverted. I do like chatting to people but just not for too long. I'm happy to chat with people in shops etc but I don't like to be trapped in situations with other people where I can't escape for hours. So I don't go to any weddings/christenings etc. The only wedding I would ever attend is my DD's. I explain to people it isn't personal and if they hate me for it so be it. My time is too precious to spend it doing things I hate with no reward.

I haven't spent time with people in a friends capacity for over 13 years. I do not spend time with people unless I absolutely have to. When covid / lockdown happened it was perfect for me because I could keep myself to myself and no one cared. I have worked from home since 2015 and the only people I spend time with are my husband, my son and my dad. Prior to 2011 I used to spend time surrounded by a lot of people and I always hated it. Since I have stopped I am so much happier.

You’re an introvert. Someone once explained it to me like this. An introvert needs time alone to recharge their battery. An extrovert needs time with other people to recharge their battery. I’m an introvert. I hate having social engagements at the weekend with a passion. That’s not to say I don’t want to see my friends. But I need to plan my weekend so I have one outing with my mum then a day to recharge. Or one coffee shop trip with my friend then a day to recharge. I can’t have a busy weekend as I feel drained by Monday. My husband is the opposite - he’d happily have people to stay Friday night to Sunday night or go to stay elsewhere on those days and feel refreshed for it. I’m getting better at voicing my wants and needs but sometimes I have to do things his way. We have family staying for the whole weekend of my son’s birthday which I’m dreading. But instead of going to his mums for christmas and having 10 people there for 3 days we are having Christmas at home with just my parents for dinner. I’m giving the work Christmas party a miss. YANBU you just need to be able to understand your feelings and plan as best as you can round them.

Interestingly, my uncle who’s a doctor has explained that stress from social stuff is almost as bad as pathogens and trauma to the body from injuries and infections. People flu is a thing! Stress hormones released when we’re masking and exposing ourselves to things that stress us out are the same level as the chemicals released in our bodies when we have physical trauma. You absolutely can get sick from stress situations, it’s a comedown from adrenaline and histamine. It hurts and makes you feel fluey. It doesn’t solve the wider problem of being stressed by those situations and feeling like a weirdo for not enjoying them. But at least we know now, we release cortisol and histamine when we’re peopling, and that fucks our bodies up, same as any other traumatic event. We’re not broken, we’re sensitive to human fuckery. I’m pretty sure we were built to wander the earth and be amazed by butterflies and mushrooms and moss and avoid other humans.

“I’m pretty sure we were built to wander the earth and be amazed by butterflies and mushrooms and moss and avoid other humans.”

I often think the exact same thing

Farmers have one of the highest suicide rates (not suggesting they wander around all day looking at butterflies).