To ask if anyone else has become completely intolerant of other people?

[Theblindkraken]

Now I’ll be clear here. I don’t think I’ve said a mean or unkind thing to anyone for at least 10 years. I’m very polite, very kind, very generous and incredibly good at behaving in a way I believe other people would like me to. I care about other people’s feelings and go out of my way to not offend them….
Jesus though, I hate it. I literally dread spending time with people. It’s the worse thing I have to do. I get ill if I have to spend too much time in a social environment, I can do it, I perform, I make conversation and stuff but I can’t wait until it’s over and the next day I feel drained like I’ve run a marathon. It really takes a whole day for me to feel normal and productive again.
on the plus side, I’ve learnt to do almost everything from simple carpentry and plumbing to tiling in order to avoid having to entertain tradesmen, my work from home job is brilliant and I don’t know of anyone my age with such a lovely garden.
it’s not normal though is it?
attended a small family gathering yesterday, been utterly hopeless today, feels almost like flu and now I’ll need to go hell for leather tomorrow to finish my project on time. Fucks my week up everytime I do it. I could spend years in isolation… socialising is painful though.

You're the only other person I've heard about who gets the flu type thing after socialising! I was thinking I had some type of CFS as I was completely wiped out after doing full on socialising (teaching a class, public speaking etc). Unable to get out of bed, aches and pains, sore throat etc. Even being in the office too much is completely exhausting, small talk, being my "work self" etc. I can relate!

I'm the same OP, largely a hermit now apart from my DP, have very little time for friends or people in general. The flu feeling is the worst, when I have to go to appointments I get terrible inflammation. Hate small talk too, overly chatty delivery people etc. When I go to beauty appointments I wish I could find some that offered a mostly silent experience because I dread being stuck on a chair and having to small talk or seem rude 🙃

@Theblindkraken Yeah, I get you. I know the feeling well!
Wondering if you've ever had any counselling/ psychotherapy?
I just ask because it sounds like there's a mismatch between how you're feeling/ reacting to these situations and how you want to feel.
It might help you work out what's going on and how to sit with the way you are and feel more comfortable with it. It's OK to be introverted after all! :)

Oh my I could have typed this myself OP.
I am exactly the same as you.
I love being home with my husband in our lovely home.
Gardening and painting and just quiet and peaceful.
I love my family very much and we visit and they visit us but when I get home or they go I need sheer quiet for days after to recuperate and get back my peace of mind.

I could have written your OP myself. You are all good. Probably have a lovely, interesting inner world going on inside your head too, I would bet.

@Rachaelrachael 100%. I’m autistic I think, because I was freakishly good at a few things and have a brilliant memory- aced all my exams but couldn’t get through a day without getting almost hit by a car or tripping over something, huge list of sensory icks too. It was the 80’s though, so I just got beaten up for being weird. My parents were the worse for it.

Funny you should mention sensory icks as I also have many.

@Monkeybrains192

"I dont want to talk about myself, I don't want to listen to her talk about her self."

Monkeybrains you've nailed it in one sentence, for me anyway. I can't be arsed to talk about myself and I really don't want to hear about someone else's marriage/work/holiday/menopause. I didn't used to be like this.

do you have a partner?

any children?

Maybe cut down seeing your family, if they were "the worst for it", and seek out autistic / autism-friendly groups online, see how you feel about socialising when you don't need to mask.

@sugarandsweetener yes, partner is also very non social, even more than me, he doesn’t even bother with his family. He’s more functional than I am though, works in a busy environment and handles stuff differently, more self assured. Our DC is miraculously very social and popular, chock full of confidence and chatty. We’ve always been careful not to berate him or dampen his fire though.

so you have a compatible partner

a child

an unpleasant sounding extended family

any friends?

cant believe how many other people get ‘people flu’ it’s a thing then! Must be to do with stress hormones and inflammation? I feel much less of a peculiarity now 🤣 there’s loads of us like this.

how old is your DS?

Me! Was musing over this the other day.

For me, I think it's directly linked to having multiple young children. I'm absolutely drained. I have no reserves left for anyone else and my patience has reduced massively.

I hate people and have very little faith in humankind. Hoping it improves when my kids get more independent and I can take more time back for myself.

You sound like a people pleaser. Do you really think you have not said anything unkind or mean in 10 years? Christ. People take things all sorts of ways and I am going to say there is no way you have not offended anyone in 10 years.

It is no wonder you are exhausted if you put all your energy in trying to make other people comfortable. It usually doesn't work, because you cannot know at all times what another person is needing. Perhaps try to reconnect with yourself and be yourself in social situations and you might find it enjoyable sometimes or people less grating? There is nothing to be gained if you aren't yourself, even when doing the weekly shop.

i think you should ask your gp for an autism assessment. Imitating others and practising is a v ND thing, as is absolute exhaustion after socialising.

@sugarandsweetener DS is late primary. Super little dude with a lovely outlook, bright, creative.
no I don’t have any friends. Neither does partner, he goes out about twice a year on compulsory work things. He hates it and comes back early. He was like that when we met though.

It's reasonable to be picky I think particularly as you get older as people seem to split into two camps; those who are comfortable in their own skin any those that are still seeking a lot of external validation and interaction with others.

The second group are exhausting because they are meeting their needs by being very extroverted. So it's draining.

It's okay to judge interactions on the basis of whether you feel drained afterwards - it can be helpful in terms of seeking company that you really enjoy

So the people you’re not tolerant of are your unpleasant sounding extended family that you see a handful of times a year?

you have no friends to be tolerant or intolerant to

and no work colleagues to be tolerant or intolerant to

so if only your unpleasant family you are becoming less tolerant of…. sounds like you should have been less tolerant of them many many years ago!

As I've got older my circle of people I bother with has shrunk more and more . Since I've become a Grandparent it has reinforced even more that close family is all
I need . I have two good friends of 30 plus years and that's it .

I can't be bothered to speak to ex neighbors, aquatainces or ex colleagues as I can't stand small talk . I only speak if I have to if it's unavoidable. I would not try and catch their eye if I saw them out anywhere and they didn't see me .

What is there to say ?

We probably surround ourself mostly with people we value and share values with. I also am a lot more strict with the people I let into my life than I used to be. One might say due to 'age' but it's really due to knowing myself better every year and knowing which people I want to hang out with. You don't need to enjoy small talk to feel connected to other people. I call them meaningful relationships.

But to not enjoy or being able to stand any person's company other than husband and child is a bit unusual. Could be ND or, as many people don't realise, a result of their own limiting beliefs and the way they view themselves, the world or others and so everyone just seems annoying.

OP, might be worth trying this

https://psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-quotient

my DH and DC have high function autism. Females are much better at masking autism

@Twatalert

Yes I've suspected I could be ND for sometime now . I like my own company and feel that I just don't fit it. I feel I'm behind glass looking in . I've learned to accept myself and just stopped caring if I'm liked . I can't be outgoing or vivacious and I'm often compared to a family member who is like this . We are the same age . I've been made redundant and I finding I love pottering around on my own . In fact the thought of going back to work and having to deal with office politics etc fills me with dread .

Exactly. I have let friendships go during this last year because I'm intolerant. Their flaws I used to just put up with, but i really can't be arsed now spending time with people who annoy me. I was thinking the other day how many people would be at my funeral if i dropped dead tomorrow, and I suspect not many....