To ask if anyone else has become completely intolerant of other people?

[Theblindkraken]

Now I’ll be clear here. I don’t think I’ve said a mean or unkind thing to anyone for at least 10 years. I’m very polite, very kind, very generous and incredibly good at behaving in a way I believe other people would like me to. I care about other people’s feelings and go out of my way to not offend them….
Jesus though, I hate it. I literally dread spending time with people. It’s the worse thing I have to do. I get ill if I have to spend too much time in a social environment, I can do it, I perform, I make conversation and stuff but I can’t wait until it’s over and the next day I feel drained like I’ve run a marathon. It really takes a whole day for me to feel normal and productive again.
on the plus side, I’ve learnt to do almost everything from simple carpentry and plumbing to tiling in order to avoid having to entertain tradesmen, my work from home job is brilliant and I don’t know of anyone my age with such a lovely garden.
it’s not normal though is it?
attended a small family gathering yesterday, been utterly hopeless today, feels almost like flu and now I’ll need to go hell for leather tomorrow to finish my project on time. Fucks my week up everytime I do it. I could spend years in isolation… socialising is painful though.

The end of lockdown was very difficult to come to terms with. I thrived with the isolation. Be prepared for people to tell you you are abnormal to feel the way you do but you are not. The people I know who are massive extroverts and socialise a lot, are the ones who bitch the most about each other behind each others backs. I think it’s normal to not want to spend too much time with others.

I can relate, OP. I'm really sociable - but not gregarious - there's a difference! I love seeing my friends for a limited period, which I thoroughly enjoy - then I want to be alone, like Greta Garbo in Queen Christina.

I'm in a choir and every couple of years they do a European tour (5 days). I always duck out, even though I'm on the committee, and should set an example, because I just cannot face 5 days straight with other people - even sharing a room was suggested. No way could I manage that, and then come down to breakfast and spend every waking and sleeping hour with them (however pleasant they may be as individuals) for 5 whole days. I would just go crazy.

Perfectly normal introvert reaction - don't apologise! I think, as we all get older, we feel more justified and confident in being our true selves. Younger people might interpret this as 'being stuck in your ways' but really it's just a lifetime's experience of knowing what works for you and what doesn't. You just learn to manage situations so that you can cope.

I'm the same and perhaps even more introverted than you - I find it utterly exhausting being around anybody who is not my 2 family members. Everyone else including extended family who live with us drain me as I'm masking in front of them. I'm Autistic, I can't help but think you may be too.

As a pp said, I can't stand gossip and small talk. I don't know what's popular these days and I really don't care, I keep up with the news and some sports that's it! I hope that we can find people who speak to our souls and who we don't feel depleted by when in their presence...

I do find other people draining

I like my own company too. I’ve always been an introvert, but married an extrovert. I used to be far more social when I was younger, but I realised when I gave up booze after menopause, that alcohol was my social lubricant. Now I don’t drink, I don’t want to stand around in a crowded room doing small talk.

I think of wanting to socialise like never being hungry. I just don’t need/want to do it. We live in an extrovert world, so introverts are made to feel the odd ones out.

Extroverts get their energy from people, introverts from things. There are ND people and others known as Highly Sensitive People. HSPs have a lower threshold for sensory overload, noise, lights, temperatures etc. when we’ve been somewhere that’s too much, that’s when we get people flue and need to escape.

There’s a book called Quiet (The power of introverts). It’s worth a read.

Now I’m older I have the luxury to live how I want to live. I’m single now and consider myself very lucky that I will probably never be a lonely person needing others company.

This is very relatable. Nowadays i feel shaky after a whole day in office with other people. Can't imagine how I survived school. I remember being utterly exhausted.

Also a lot of sensory issues, especially as a child.

@Theblindkraken I could have written your post. I just did the autism test someone linked to upthread and got 41 out of 50 so there’s that 😁I’m also an introvert. Friends of mine are raging extroverts and keep saying I should do more, get out more… but that’s their life not mine. I feel knackered after any sort of get together. People flu is exactly it! I find most people just don’t understand though. I’m also 51 and obviously perimenopausal, which I’ve read can make it harder to keep masking if you’re autistic?

I work with someone who gives far too much excessive information to a usual shite/mundane story.
She actually batters my head! Errr nothing worse.

I am very much like you. But what draws introverted people to Mumsnet?
Although I hate small talk and people gathering I very much enjoy private conversation on Mumsnet.

Extroverted people are too busy out socialising where us introverts can sit and socialise online at our leisure 😃

I’d become a hermit if I could. Supporting other people is the cause of all my stresses at the moment.

I think I have compassion fatigue.

Could have written this myself - totally drained after a social event and thankfully work from home the majority of the time.
I enjoy my own company and like you, have learned to do a lot of jobs around the house as I hate having tradesmen in.
Also an odd, awkward child who didn't speak in class (in case I got the answer wrong) and very quiet at home. I think the latter though was that I was told to be good and quiet.

I have ADHD and spend 90% of my time 'masking' to just appear normal. It's exhausting so I know where you're coming from. DH gets frustrated because by the time the kids are in bed I'm done for and don't want to spend one more minute peopling.

Also, I just don't like most people. The older I get the more intolerant I am and would much rather be surrounded by animals.

I feel the same way much of the time, and have a 'social hangover' from going into the office, doing stuff or seeing friends/family. That said, I do love meeting up with folk at campervan meet-ups and festivals. I think because its on my terms and I can scuttle back to my van for some time out when I need to. I became a hermit during the pandemic and have stayed one 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thanks so much . Wow! I’ve never felt so much among my people. It’s such a comfort to learn that my quirks are quite common and I appear to be in such ‘good company’ in my desire to be alone as in the number of people who’ve leapt aboard the good ship ‘fuck off’ (in our minds, obviously, because we’re outwardly charming) 🤣. Also by ‘good’ company I also mean that these replies have been made with thought, kindness and self awareness. I can’t help think that us ‘introverts’ may have less of a deficiency and more of a gift? I’ve given in to my melancholy this evening and retired into a bottle of plonk and a favourite film. I’m going to address the more serious suggestions tomorrow because it’s clearly an addressable thing, even if I just make peace with it. You’re all lovely though, my sisters of social darkness ✊🥰

no I don’t have any friends. Neither does partner, he goes out about twice a year on compulsory work things. He hates it and comes back early. He was like that when we met though.

@Theblindkraken I hope you don't mind me asking. How did you two meet if you don't like meeting people?

@RampantIvy a twist of fate. It’s really outing, but imagine having an unusual pet that you’re struggling to manage and this person answers your plea of distress and shows up at your house, then, you can’t get rid of them because you’ve been in the kitchen for 6 hours chatting and you don’t even want them to go, and then they start texting you before work everyday and you text them in the evenings because you’re both never out …. It was pretty organic tbh, one minute a useful stranger, the next minute we’re down rabbit holes talking about stuff at 2am. He has eyes to die for!

Aw, that sounds lovely @Theblindkraken

Ah it's so nice to read this.

It seems nowadays everyone is so keen to "label" anyone who basically isn't extrovert!

I dread anything that involves spending time with people. I'm not quite so bad with one or two others as long as I feel comfortable with them, but any more than that...no thankyou.

I am not attending any "Christmas do" or anything like that. I just don't want to. My idea of fun is sat watching TV or laid in the bath, with no plans.

Sociable extroverts may find this bizarre... It's hard with social media sometimes to see everyone enjoying gatherings etc and often have thoughts that I am not normal... Am I depressed? Autistic? Do I have social anxiety? I don't think so, I think I'm just a quiet person who likes my own company, my own home, and Im happy in my own way... It just doesn't involve other people!

Keep being you. I think the world would be awfully noisy if it was full of 100% extroverts.

You do sound introverted, OP...and there's nothing wrong with that. Statistically, just over one third of the human race is introverted, which in my book makes us as normal as the next man (or woman). I really wouldn't sweat it.

@RampantIvy yeah don’t get me wrong, he’s my best friend and the cutest version of a Viking invader my imagination has ever witnessed, he also smells sometimes and I’ve mentally calculated how much patio it would take to conceal him at times as well🤣 ultimately, though he’s my weirdo. A kind, decent, affectionate weirdo. I only want to murder him occasionally and his size works to his advantage. We get over it 🤣

As an actual hermit, I find it rather annoying that people with partners and children refer to themselves as "almost a hermit".

Other than that, all of this is perfectly normal for introverted people. Introverts are drained by socialising, extroverts are energised by it.

omg I could have written this !!

you just get annoyed by so so so much in life. Must be exhausting.

i am intrigued…. someone describing themself as “almost” something is surely completely reasonable and realistic.

And the irony is…. of course you aren’t an “actual” hermit! 😂

How would you know whether or not someone is an actual hermit?

I can tell you that someone more introverted in nature who has a partner and children is not a hermit.