DS dating someone significantly better off

[Kristdes]

DS is 20, he has an awful habit of rushing into relationships with girls who end up leaving him hurt. He has a "type" and summed up I'd say it's girls who think/want to control him.
His latest girlfriend is insanely better off than us, we don't struggle month to month but as a Teacher and a Nurse that's more down to living in an affordable area, and having a modest life than actual money.
I have no idea what his new girlfriend's actual wealth is but her parents bought her a flat worth £1million - and did the same for her brother, so let's go with insanely well off!!

The issue is, he started seeing her in September and has been asking to borrow money more, just told me he bought her a £400 handbag and expensive perfume for Christmas. It makes me think that he is presenting her with the truth of his background. He works while at uni as we can't support his uni life.

I'll be honest it might be reverse snobbery but I can't stand her, there is something about a 19 year old having a million pound central London flat bought for her after years of top private schools that makes me feel sick. Equally I don't think she treats DS well, we met her for lunch last weekend and she would just talk over him.

AIBU to be uncomfortable with this and think my DS is at risk of being hurt. Would I be crazy to say something?

Criticising his girlfriend probably won't go well, but you can definitely refuse to lend him the money.

I think you would be fine to have a chat with him about being sensible with his money, but if you tell him you don't like his girlfriend you are likely to drive him straight into her arms.

Id be worried. Id worry he was trying to "keep up" with her lifestyle which he cannot afford. Who buys a 3 month gf a £400 present for Christmas ?

Do not lend him the money and make sure he doesn't secretly borrow it and get himself into debt.

Honestly at that age you're best staying out of it. My mum had a terrible habit of making comment upon my brothers girlfriends throughout his 20s. He is now married to an absolutely wonderful girl and has 2 kids but what mum said damaged their relationship forever, he's never said anything to her but has to me as his sister. Let him explore this one it might lead to him developing quite a bit and be what he needs.

This ^^

Can she dump your DS and date mine instead?

They’re 20. The relationship is very unlikely to last long. Yes, he’ll probably get his heart broken a few more times before he meets the woman who doesn’t break it. That’s part and parcel of growing up, it’s not the end of the world. Refuse to lend him money for things and reiterate to him that if she likes him, she’ll like him regardless of his ability to give her presents.

Disliking her because she comes from wealth is daft. Presumably you’ve given DS the financial advantages you’ve been able to; if he was dating somebody from a much less well off background, should her parents hate him for the advantages his family gave him?

This!

Stay out of it.

Yes hating her because they have money is bad.

Remember the point of your DS going to university is to get an education and hopefully surpass you and your spouse and have a better life.

Don't drag him down with your baggage.

Tell him to spend the money on an engagement ring and to not sign a pre-nup!

Keep out of it and stop lending him money.

I don't think there's any harm, when you decline to lend him the money, to let him know that someone genuine won't expect a £400 gift after just a few months of dating.

Don’t lend money. He is 20 so he is very quickly to emotionally hurt by the end of relationships numerous more times in his life.

Stay out of it - no judgement, but no lending of money either. He’ll learn one way or the other, you interfering will only slow that down.

And it is 100% reverse snobbery if you cannot separate her as a person from her wealth. It’s not a nice quality and your son will pick up on it soon if you don’t address it in yourself.

Don't lend him money.

Don't criticise his girlfriend - frankly, the talking over him thing is far more likely to be an over confident, wealthy young woman trying to impress her boyfriend's parents and being a bit of a dick about it than it is about her being controlling. She'll either calm down or they'll break up. Or both.

Don't lend him money. He needs to learn to live within his means

Don't criticise the girlfriend. He needs to work these things out for himself. They may split up. But if they do stay together, he / they will never forget that you didn't support the relationship

😂

Just because someone has money now, doesn't mean they come from long standing inherited wealth. One of the fanciest weddings I've seen, organised by a top London party planner, was the daughter of a self made scrap metal merchant. You shouldn't dislike someone because of who their family is - up or down. Judge her for talking over your DS but nothing else.

Judge her quietly though. Saying anything to him is asking for trouble.

My son also dates a very rich girl but she has more of a studenty/hippy vibe and wouldn’t be impressed by expensive perfume.
I think it’s a good thing because he’s met all her relatives and it’s given him an insight into other ways of living and social classes. One uncle’s first question was ‘do you ride?’ and some are a bit odd but all families have their quirks.
Maybe your son will learn a lot from dating her.

Stop giving him money, keep your beak out and perhaps keep in mind that it's not this young woman's fault her parents are wealthy.

I would be wary of criticising her personality, because that’ll upset your son and fall on deaf ears anyway. But I think it’s fine to point out to him that he can’t afford to match her usual standard of gifts. And there’s no way I’d be lending him money.

Different issues, on one side right to be concerned about the borrowing of money to impress.

on the other side it’s appalling you can’t stand her primarily as she’s wealthy, it’s just as appalling if you’d written you couldn’t stand someone as they were poor. You should be ashamed of how shallow you are.

Hopefully your ds is more open minded and doesn’t judge people on the wealth of their parents.

He is an adult, don’t get involved but equally don’t lend him money.

Can you imagine someone coming in and saying we are wealthy, my son is dating a girl whose family is poor, I can’t stand her and am sick at the thought of it.

i mean fuck sake. Jealous much op. The fact her parents are wealthy is sod all to do with you, it doesn’t dictate her character. And to feel sick about others financial situation and dislike them for it is shameful.

I’d say something about the expensive gifts. He shouldn’t be spending more than he can afford.

The rest is 100% a you problem and you should keep your mouth shut. Judging someone based on what their parents have been able to provide for them makes you a horrible person - regardless of whether it’s a lot or a little.