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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS dating someone significantly better off

82 replies

Kristdes · 30/11/2023 12:03

DS is 20, he has an awful habit of rushing into relationships with girls who end up leaving him hurt. He has a "type" and summed up I'd say it's girls who think/want to control him.
His latest girlfriend is insanely better off than us, we don't struggle month to month but as a Teacher and a Nurse that's more down to living in an affordable area, and having a modest life than actual money.
I have no idea what his new girlfriend's actual wealth is but her parents bought her a flat worth £1million - and did the same for her brother, so let's go with insanely well off!!

The issue is, he started seeing her in September and has been asking to borrow money more, just told me he bought her a £400 handbag and expensive perfume for Christmas. It makes me think that he is presenting her with the truth of his background. He works while at uni as we can't support his uni life.

I'll be honest it might be reverse snobbery but I can't stand her, there is something about a 19 year old having a million pound central London flat bought for her after years of top private schools that makes me feel sick. Equally I don't think she treats DS well, we met her for lunch last weekend and she would just talk over him.

AIBU to be uncomfortable with this and think my DS is at risk of being hurt. Would I be crazy to say something?

OP posts:
ItsNotOkItsNotTheEnd · 03/12/2023 15:50

I am so sorry you are in this position. This is not the time to decide whether you stay or leave. You will probably flick between the 2 in the upcoming weeks. This is the time to focus on you and your healing.

Take care of you. Therapy, eat healthy, exercise and do things that make you happy. Once you are on the path of healing you can decide with a clear head. He needs to be dealing with why he had the affair and working on himself.

This is not your fault. You will recover.

Dontcallmescarface · 03/12/2023 15:56

It’s likely the relationship won’t last, I think wealthy people often settle down with other wealthy people ultimately.

Not always. My DD (brought up in social housing, went to local comprehensive etc), is currently planning her wedding to her (son of a millionaire, privately educated etc), DP, who she has been with for 10 years. I think it depends on the family and how that person is brought up. His parents (especially his mum), adores DD and view her very much as his equal. I think he's lovely and really couldn't wish for a better man for her.

Throwaway1234567890000000 · 03/12/2023 18:47

Freakinfraser · 30/11/2023 13:21

I can't stand her, there is something about a 19 year old having a million pound central London flat bought for her after years of top private schools that makes me feel sick

and there is something about this statement that makes everyone else feel sick.

id delete your thread, sometimes when you are heinous it’s best not to tell millions of people.

Genuinely your post makes me sick (OP).

My children have so much more than I had (private school, luxurious holidays, ponies, the works). The reality is that their children will more than likely live in an entirely different world again to the one we do (we have worked and continue to work very hard for what we have, and the opportunities they have will and do then bring them into the social circles of people who have 100 x what we do).

On another note, I like handbags. I wouldn’t have a £400 one. Decent handbags range from £1000 to £3000 easily. So my other concern would be is he borrowing money to buy a bag that’s not something she would wear anyway, because to him that feels designer and ‘in her league’ when all it’s actually doing is plunging him into debt to go to the back of her wardrobe. I know this may sound awful but it was one of my first thoughts. If she’s got a £1mil flat bought for her, she’s probably got more expensive tastes than he can meet and he’s better just accepting that and spending money on lovely experiences that don’t cost the earth. One of my favourite things to do is pop to a London pub for a couple of drinks. He should find out things she enjoys and focus on those.

Throwaway1234567890000000 · 03/12/2023 18:49

Throwaway1234567890000000 · 03/12/2023 18:47

Genuinely your post makes me sick (OP).

My children have so much more than I had (private school, luxurious holidays, ponies, the works). The reality is that their children will more than likely live in an entirely different world again to the one we do (we have worked and continue to work very hard for what we have, and the opportunities they have will and do then bring them into the social circles of people who have 100 x what we do).

On another note, I like handbags. I wouldn’t have a £400 one. Decent handbags range from £1000 to £3000 easily. So my other concern would be is he borrowing money to buy a bag that’s not something she would wear anyway, because to him that feels designer and ‘in her league’ when all it’s actually doing is plunging him into debt to go to the back of her wardrobe. I know this may sound awful but it was one of my first thoughts. If she’s got a £1mil flat bought for her, she’s probably got more expensive tastes than he can meet and he’s better just accepting that and spending money on lovely experiences that don’t cost the earth. One of my favourite things to do is pop to a London pub for a couple of drinks. He should find out things she enjoys and focus on those.

Show quote history

Reading this back, just to clarify I’m not in her league I just like nice bags. So I have one, which was a treat and will last me for years. I wouldn’t want a new bag that cost £400, I love mine and it’ll last me at least 10 years!

Kwasi · 04/12/2023 18:37

You sound extremely jealous of her family’s wealth. We all want our kids to have the best available education and to not struggle to keep a roof over their heads.

Mischance · 04/12/2023 18:43

Zip the lip on your opinions and refuse to lend the money.

NO-ONE needs a £400 handbag - let alone one they cannot afford without borrowing money.

We were better off than my DD's boyfriend's family (only a bit - none of this silly money!) and the first Christmas they were together he did not pretend to have any money and made her a necklace with wooden beads. He went up in my estimation. They are married with 2 children now, and his sense of values and of what really matters is still impressive. Good lad in my book!

Spicastar · 05/12/2023 06:36

Well you won't be able to dictate who your DS dates, he will pick his own choices no matter what. But.
You can definitely talk to him about spending and whether it's realistic or smart to try to keep up with the Joneses when it might bankrupt him. If the girl is with him for money, appearances or similar backgrounds, the truth will come out eventually. He needs to figure if she likes him for who he is, money being out of the equation.
They're only barely adults so his behaviour will most likely change eventually when he matures. You can't stop him from getting burnt but you CAN and should try to instill some financial literacy skills!

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