Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS dating someone significantly better off

82 replies

Kristdes · 30/11/2023 12:03

DS is 20, he has an awful habit of rushing into relationships with girls who end up leaving him hurt. He has a "type" and summed up I'd say it's girls who think/want to control him.
His latest girlfriend is insanely better off than us, we don't struggle month to month but as a Teacher and a Nurse that's more down to living in an affordable area, and having a modest life than actual money.
I have no idea what his new girlfriend's actual wealth is but her parents bought her a flat worth £1million - and did the same for her brother, so let's go with insanely well off!!

The issue is, he started seeing her in September and has been asking to borrow money more, just told me he bought her a £400 handbag and expensive perfume for Christmas. It makes me think that he is presenting her with the truth of his background. He works while at uni as we can't support his uni life.

I'll be honest it might be reverse snobbery but I can't stand her, there is something about a 19 year old having a million pound central London flat bought for her after years of top private schools that makes me feel sick. Equally I don't think she treats DS well, we met her for lunch last weekend and she would just talk over him.

AIBU to be uncomfortable with this and think my DS is at risk of being hurt. Would I be crazy to say something?

OP posts:
frami · 03/12/2023 11:42

I've been married nearly 40 years to a man who started off life wealthier than my family and with his own skills has always earned a high salary and has played an active, hands on role in our childrens lives. Like you my DM has always hated my DH for what she sees as his previleged background and this has extended to me and my children. (Loves Dsis husband cause 'he's like us').

As a result of the above I have minimum contact with DM and so do our 4 adult children (not my doing - kids figured it out for themselves long ago). If this is the future you want with your DS carry on as you are? If not bury the resentment, put aside your dislike, but also explain, without reference to the GF why you are unable to lend him money along with some gentle budgeting advice.

Kirstyshine · 03/12/2023 11:44

You’re worried about him having a pattern of picking controlling women as partners. Reflect on why he might feel at home in that pattern, before you get involved, because one reading of your post could be that you’re tending towards the controlling side - I’m sure with loving intentions - yourself.

Angrycat2768 · 03/12/2023 11:47

Horrorqueen81 · 03/12/2023 11:21

Does she come from Greece and have a thirst for knowledge?
sorry, couldn’t resist

Do you know, I've listened to 'Common people' about a billion times and its only just occurred to me that the line is 'She came from Greece and had a thirst for Knowledge' I have no idea what I thought he was singing!

Noglitterallowed · 03/12/2023 11:49

Wow!! You’re basically jealous of a 19 year old because her family have more money than yours and are trying to find anything possible to pick at.
if you can’t afford to lend him money don’t but by god keep your beak out

Barnowlsandbluebells · 03/12/2023 11:52

Freakinfraser · 30/11/2023 13:01

Different issues, on one side right to be concerned about the borrowing of money to impress.

on the other side it’s appalling you can’t stand her primarily as she’s wealthy, it’s just as appalling if you’d written you couldn’t stand someone as they were poor. You should be ashamed of how shallow you are.

I agree. The OP's attitude is disgusting.

Horrorqueen81 · 03/12/2023 11:54

Angrycat2768 · 03/12/2023 11:47

Do you know, I've listened to 'Common people' about a billion times and its only just occurred to me that the line is 'She came from Greece and had a thirst for Knowledge' I have no idea what I thought he was singing!

Show quote history

Haha, I was a big Pulp fan- wasn’t sure if anyone would get the reference 😊

DeedlessIndeed · 03/12/2023 11:59

OP, perhaps not everyone is as confident as you when meeting a partner's parents for the first time. I think it's one of those times when you cut her some slack.

I think it also says something in the way that you've viewed all DS's girlfriends as controlling.

Best to step back and say nowt. I agree though, borrowing money for presents is never advisable. Definitely decline.

Hastheslotharrivedyet · 03/12/2023 12:05

We are very working class (although educated) parents. Son (26 with a good job in the City) has a lovely girlfriend who went to private school and boarding school. Parents have a beautiful house. (Different world to us) I think her mother has said “he won’t be able to keep you in the lifestyle you’re used to”. Well, that might be a good thing because I think the mother is quite emotionally cold and controlling and we are very loving and supportive. Let the youngsters work it out for themselves I say. What is meant to be will be. Your son will soon work out for himself what’s right for him x

Dontcallmescarface · 03/12/2023 12:13

I'd be more concerned about the fact that he tends to pick "girls who think/want to control him", rather than how rich her family may or may not be. Definitely do not lend him any money but maybe find out why he has such low self-esteem. The answer maybe closer to home than you think.

Dweetfidilove · 03/12/2023 12:22

I wonder if he’s adopted the OP’s inferiority complex, hence the overcompensating on the Christmas gift?

Does the low self-esteem also have something to do with him supposedly picking ‘controlling’ women?

I think these are more urgent concerns than a young woman’s family wealth.

Floralnomad · 03/12/2023 12:24

MilkChocolateCookie · 30/11/2023 12:06

Criticising his girlfriend probably won't go well, but you can definitely refuse to lend him the money.

This exactly .

Ggttl · 03/12/2023 12:28

You are insanely wealthy compared to many people in the world. Does that also make you sick? Stay out of and don’t lend him money.

SandyWaves · 03/12/2023 13:01

Dweetfidilove · 03/12/2023 12:22

I wonder if he’s adopted the OP’s inferiority complex, hence the overcompensating on the Christmas gift?

Does the low self-esteem also have something to do with him supposedly picking ‘controlling’ women?

I think these are more urgent concerns than a young woman’s family wealth.

This

I cannot believe you has openly said you don't like the gf because her parents are wealthy and bought her a flat. You prefer him dating girls who have less because they make you feel better?

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 03/12/2023 13:23

I think it's quite common when you are young to pick a girlfriend or boyfriend who you think is a bit too good for you for shallow reasons. They are, you feel, better-looking than you, more extrovert, or are higher up the socioeconomic ladder. But you have somehow landed them and you are going to prove you are good enough. This often entails living in a way that's not true to yourself. Spending more than you can really afford, going on a drastic diet or pushing yourself into being a party animal when you are more of a cocoa-and-slippers sort.

Nobody can keep this up for very long.

In a way, I think you are funding his insecurity by helping him to hide that he is of modest means. He should be more honest about what he can afford. If she doesn't stick around then she wasn't worth much - in the more important sense - in the first place.

JudyGemstone · 03/12/2023 13:26

It’s likely the relationship won’t last, I think wealthy people often settle down with other wealthy people ultimately.

a discussion about credit/debt would be helpful but agree try not to slag her off to him in any way.

JenniferBooth · 03/12/2023 13:26

heartofglass23 · 30/11/2023 12:14

Can she dump your DS and date mine instead?

Would there be jokes like this if the genders were reversed? Nope There would be gold digger type comments

Cas112 · 03/12/2023 13:32

Has she actually done anything harmful for you to dislike her or had you just planned to dislike her from the minute you heard about her?

Hastheslotharrivedyet · 03/12/2023 13:36

Cas112 · 03/12/2023 13:32

Has she actually done anything harmful for you to dislike her or had you just planned to dislike her from the minute you heard about her?

Well it’s the green-eyed monster isn’t it

miniegg3 · 03/12/2023 13:40

GirlsAloudReturnMadeMyYEAR · 30/11/2023 12:10

Honestly at that age you're best staying out of it. My mum had a terrible habit of making comment upon my brothers girlfriends throughout his 20s. He is now married to an absolutely wonderful girl and has 2 kids but what mum said damaged their relationship forever, he's never said anything to her but has to me as his sister. Let him explore this one it might lead to him developing quite a bit and be what he needs.

Pretty much sums up me, my DH and mother in law. Butt out, but don't lend him money.. if she doesn't care he isn't well off like her, then fine. But you shouldn't judge her for being born into a wealthy family

BohemondofAntioch · 03/12/2023 13:50

Say this to him:

A lah-di-dah girl like that isn't for the likes of you. Stay on this side of the tracks. It's for your own good.

That last sentence - 'it's for your own good' - is important. Say it repeatedly.

NerrSnerr · 03/12/2023 13:54

How would you feel if her mum couldn't stand your son because he has had a different upbringing?

Fair enough, don't lend him money but some people are rich and it doesn't make them bad people (and he'd have a comfortable life if she was the one).

Maddy70 · 03/12/2023 13:58

Chat with him about budgeting but do not criticise her or his spending

ActDottie · 03/12/2023 14:03

Whatever you do not criticise his gf in front of him! That’ll just drive you and him apart!

Psychonabike · 03/12/2023 14:34

There are two separate issues really.

You don't like his girlfriend -probably best to stay out of it.

His behaviour in the relationship -misrepresenting himself, spending too much. It really depends on your relationship with him. 20 is young -very young for some. If you can give him some guidance about the value of honesty and representing yourself as you are, avoiding debt etc in an early relationship, that might be fine? But bear in mind, it's entirely normal to learn how to make relationships work through a bit of trial and error. Up to a point we need to make our own mistakes; they help us work out what we really want.

archerzz · 03/12/2023 14:54

Stay out of it!! It's better than him being with someone uneducated and poor!!