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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS dating someone significantly better off

82 replies

Kristdes · 30/11/2023 12:03

DS is 20, he has an awful habit of rushing into relationships with girls who end up leaving him hurt. He has a "type" and summed up I'd say it's girls who think/want to control him.
His latest girlfriend is insanely better off than us, we don't struggle month to month but as a Teacher and a Nurse that's more down to living in an affordable area, and having a modest life than actual money.
I have no idea what his new girlfriend's actual wealth is but her parents bought her a flat worth £1million - and did the same for her brother, so let's go with insanely well off!!

The issue is, he started seeing her in September and has been asking to borrow money more, just told me he bought her a £400 handbag and expensive perfume for Christmas. It makes me think that he is presenting her with the truth of his background. He works while at uni as we can't support his uni life.

I'll be honest it might be reverse snobbery but I can't stand her, there is something about a 19 year old having a million pound central London flat bought for her after years of top private schools that makes me feel sick. Equally I don't think she treats DS well, we met her for lunch last weekend and she would just talk over him.

AIBU to be uncomfortable with this and think my DS is at risk of being hurt. Would I be crazy to say something?

OP posts:

MadameCamembert · 30/11/2023 13:15

Freakinfraser · 30/11/2023 13:06

Can you imagine someone coming in and saying we are wealthy, my son is dating a girl whose family is poor, I can’t stand her and am sick at the thought of it.

i mean fuck sake. Jealous much op. The fact her parents are wealthy is sod all to do with you, it doesn’t dictate her character. And to feel sick about others financial situation and dislike them for it is shameful.

Show quote history

I agree. Reverse snobbery is equally as distasteful.

YANBU not to lend him money.
YABU for literally everything else you said.

Hbh17 · 30/11/2023 13:17

It's very bizarre to dislike someone just because of the amount of money they have - so judgemental.
There may be other (valid) reasons why you're not keen on her, OP. However, none of this matters because it is absolutely nobody else's business who an adult chooses as their partner.

Of course, as your son is an adult then you are also under no obligation to lend him money. But I think you have to be calm and polite with both of them.

PippyLongTits · 30/11/2023 13:18

He needs to have a conversation with her and set expectations. Most couples have a budget in mind for Christmas presents and very rarely is it £400! I would think £50 would be quite a lot for a girl you've only been seeing 3 months!

Your son is a student so is not going to have a lot of spare cash floating around. He is a fool to spend that much on a girlfriend he has not known that long - if she has been given everything on a plate she won't appreciate it any more than if he'd just taken her out for a nice dinner. She probably has several designer bags in her wardrobe already and one more is going to be neither special nor appreciated in terms of what he went without to find the money.

You need to have a conversation with him, not about the girl, but about debt and how very, very difficult it is to escape it and how damaging it can be to your mental health, relationships, credit rating etc. It is possible that he could end up paying for that handbag long after the relationship has ended.

EdinGirl · 30/11/2023 13:21

You sound horrible. I pity anyone who gets you as a MIL.

Your son's spending is not her responsibility. He is an adult.

Her parent's spending is also not her responsibility and I bet you wouldn't turn down a flat if your parents offered one.

Jeez.

Freakinfraser · 30/11/2023 13:21

I can't stand her, there is something about a 19 year old having a million pound central London flat bought for her after years of top private schools that makes me feel sick

and there is something about this statement that makes everyone else feel sick.

id delete your thread, sometimes when you are heinous it’s best not to tell millions of people.

stayathomer · 30/11/2023 13:23

I’d say talk to him about spending more than he can afford but try and put your opinions out of your head and remember what it’s like to date at that age!

LifeExperience · 30/11/2023 13:23

Your son is an adult. If you want to have a relationship with him, stay out of his personal life.

Also, stop giving him money.

Rottenpizzas · 30/11/2023 13:29

‘I’m sorry sweetheart. Dad and I just don’t have that sort of money right now to spare. And Jasmine is so well off I doubt she’d appreciate it much anyway. I bet if you chose something really romantic and personal she’d like it, shall we have a look for some ideas?’
She may well be a spoilt madam. She may be a really nice girl who’s socially awkward due to the weirdness of her upbringing. Unless there’s clear signs of abuse, it’s not for you to comment on atm.
Be kind and neutral and help your young son choose a sensible gift.

Zanatdy · 30/11/2023 13:35

I’d probably feel the same but just be nice to her. I get why he wants to spend £400 on her, I mean many do that and their Gf’s aren’t millionaires. If you criticise etc you’ll push him away. Thankfully my son’s first Gf is lovely but I’ve seen my mum alienate her DIL’s and don’t want to be that person.

toddlermam · 30/11/2023 13:38

Just stay out of it. You obviously already don't like her because of her background.

therealcookiemonster · 30/11/2023 14:05

although I can see your concerns but you saying anything would only push him away. but I would refuse to lend him the money...

if she really cares for him, she would not want him to spend money he doesn't have.

Rewis · 30/11/2023 14:57

Talk to him about the gifts that he can't get into debt just to try and keep up. She should like him for who he is and if she doesn't then thats her problem

Also don't hold the gf's wealth against her. If inbound afford to buy a flat for my child. I sure would. And if top schools was available, why wouldn't the parents send their daughter there. There are ways to learn about the "real world" without compromising on education and making her slum it out in a shared accommodation in bad side of the city.

retinolalcohol · 30/11/2023 15:32

The issue is with your DS attempting to keep up with her lifestyle - this is his perception and attitude, which you can just have a word with him about. Just tell him that if she's a genuine person she won't expect hundreds of pounds worth of gifts. Refuse to lend him the money

However don't express any opinions on their relationship, or about his girlfriend. You won't convince him to dump her & could potentially damage your own relationship with him - basically no good can come out of taking this stance.

Just because her parents are wealthy and your son has decided to try to keep up, doesn't mean she's not a perfectly nice girl. Think about how you'd feel if her parents were judging him, as if he's some bit of rough

retinolalcohol · 30/11/2023 15:36

Also if I had children and a lot of money, I would likely send them to private school and get them on the property ladder as well. And if my dad wanted to buy me a £1million property at her age, you bet I'd have taken it doesn't mean much.

If she was a working class girl, I suspect you wouldn't have judged her so harshly when you met her. Your back was up based on what you already knew. I can tend to talk over people in social situations when I'm anxious and eager to impress. You don't know her enough to form the 'I can't stand her' opinion

wjpa · 30/11/2023 15:47

It’s not ok to hate her because she has a £1m flat and went to private school. Just advise your ds to think carefully about how much he is spending and when.

Shadowonasun · 30/11/2023 18:20

What a weird way to think.. So she's young, privately educated and has a very expensive flat. Good for her. You sound awful. And jealous.

H007 · 03/12/2023 11:03

YABU you just sound jealous of her wealth. Equally you can judge someone on one lunch, she was probably nervous. I over-talk all the time in social situations but it’s anxiety that makes me do it. What other not nice stuff has she done to your DS?

Equally him buying her an expensive gift could equally be entirely down to him than her.

KimberleyClark · 03/12/2023 11:14

My DB in his youth was on the other end of this. Wealthy girlfriend's parents not thinking him good enough for their daughter even though he was a trainee barrister.

Horrorqueen81 · 03/12/2023 11:21

Does she come from Greece and have a thirst for knowledge?
sorry, couldn’t resist

Azandme · 03/12/2023 11:24

Kate Middleton met someone significantly better off than her at uni...

Seems to have worked out OK.

Lemsipper · 03/12/2023 11:28

Keep your nose out of it OP, so what if he gets hurt? That’s dating - he needs to learn and grow on his own. Honestly you are treading a very a very thin line to future estrangement if you carry on like this.

leave him alone and stay out of it!!!

MaisyAndTallulah · 03/12/2023 11:34

Everyone carping on needs to get real. Very seldom do relationships from opposite sides of the financial spectrum work out. There is a power imbalance which is already evident 3 months in. The son sounds under pressure to buy things he can't afford, not a good way to go into a relationship.

I would keep the chat to money management rather than the gf being a twat.

Kisskiss · 03/12/2023 11:36

I think he should buy her what he can afford and you wouldn’t be unreasonable refusing to lend him money for presents that are way out of his budget!
not liking someone just because their parents bought her a fancy flat is a bit childish though , you’ve only met her once so maybe give her a chance . I’d be more worried if my son’s gf was some lazy vain wastrel with a drug and drink problem and an attention seeking princess 🤣

Doone22 · 03/12/2023 11:37

Best not to interfere but very kindly explain to your son that he can't buy her love or try to match her affluent lifestyle. She may also not be quite mature enough herself to understand that most people can't live her lifestyle and make sure he hears that from you too. Tell him you love him but can't support him getting into this kind of debt. Bang on about understanding when someone appreciates you for who you are not what you can give them. Never undervalue yourself. Also understand yourself that he might actually be using her too because she's loaded.

Ffsnotaconference · 03/12/2023 11:37

Don't lend him money if you don't want.

But he is an adult. You talk about him 'rushing in and getting hurt' as though he just can't help himself and thehvtreat him badly.

The women he dates are meanies and he is just such a romantic. Stop victimising him. You could just as easily say he love bombs women and can't take it when they aren't falling for it.

You are still treating him like teenager and believe he just doing thing because of how strong his feelings are and can't help himself. Isnt fully in control of himself. And yet, you can't look at her and think 'she is quite young. Probably a bit nervous, maybe a bit self conscious probably can tell i dont like her and judge her because she has an expensive flat.

Again he is just a young man who isn't in full control of his emotions and acting impulsively. She is the terrible woman who is controlling him and making him buy gifts.

It's more likely they are 2 decent people with flaws (like us all) that like eachother and haven't quite worked out good balances of things. He thinks he has to buy her things, she is desperate for you to like her. And both are acting a bit daft.

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