How to deal with narcissist in parents group

[motheroffour1980]

I find it hard to interact with dominating narcissistic woman in our school’s mum group.

I am a more quiet and laid back person and I generally get on with people and don’t judge. So do most of the mums I meet typically.

However there is one category of person that I cannot bare to be around and that’s loud, abrasive, domineering, narcissistic know-it-all, shallow types.

My kids school parents get together occasionally and we all get on well enough. They are all lovely and even if we don’t all have exactly the same interests or agree on everything, we generally get on which is lovely.

However, there is one mum who is loud, nosey, overbearing and overly opinionated to a point where hers is the only one that matters.

She talks about other peoples private lives, their businesses and gossips about people who are not present getting divorced, etc. She will do this openly in front of the whole group, when many of us don’t even know her that well. It is really uncomfortable. She also bitches about some of the teachers in the school, in front of some of the mums who are actually also teachers in the school.

The main problem though is that no one challenges her, including myself in fairness, but that’s because everyone seems to gush at her and laugh along and enable her.

Other than that I know these other mums are normally lovely and wouldn’t engage in negative trash talk conversations, it’s only when she is there she brings out the worst in conversation.

It’s so frustrating. Why do these people have to come along and ruin the dynamic of groups. I foresee the group heading down a cliquey gossipy path now, when previously it had been a nice bunch.

Does anyone else find this infuriating? Not only the abrasive characters but also the weak, brown nosing, lick ass types of people who suck up to narcissists and allow them to thrive in the first place?

Please advise. What do you do in these situations when you really dislike someone and want to call them out for being nasty, but no one else does?

In all honesty, I'm probably one of those mum's you don't like. You have to realise though that it takes all sorts of people and different personalities though in life. Sometimes I feel that people are soooooo bland these days its difficult to get a real opinion out of people, probably why I like Mumsnet 😁. I would rather someone was open about how they feel on a subject rather than nodding along and then bitching behind their back or ghosting them...but that's me, I'm upfront, direct and honest and don't like passive aggressive bitches

As to your problem 😁 I would just politely challenge them when they say something that you don't like, such as 'i can understand what you are saying, but I'm not sure I agree because....' or 'thats interesting that you say that, but have you thought about ....'

What do you do in these situations when you really dislike someone and want to call them out for being nasty, but no one else does?

I guess I weigh up the risk/reward and make a decision based on that. I may well decide the consequences aren't worth it, especially within a school mum crowd where we haven't really gathered over personal compatibility, and just suck it up. You can't get on with everyone. Arrange to meet up privately with the people you properly gel with.

Does anyone else find this infuriating? Not only the abrasive characters but also the weak, brown nosing, lick ass types of people who suck up to narcissists and allow them to thrive in the first place?

You've admitted upstream you fall into this category. What are you going to do (apart from starting a thread to whine about women).

Everyone is different. If everyone in the world was meek and quiet, it would be pretty boring. Is there a bit of jealousy perhaps? Not trying to be nasty, just maybe there's elements of her you wished you had.

If she really is that awful though, people just won't want to be friends with her.

I'm fairly loud and confident, and I find it hard meeting people who are inherently quiet and placid. I like someone who has strong opinions and can stand up for themselves.

You say that you are laid back and non-judgemental. You do not come across that way at all in your post.

If you don't like the group dynamic then just don't go to the meet-ups. Or organise smaller get-togethers with the people you do want to spend time with. You don't need to call people out and cause drama if the rest of the group are happy (which they seem to be?)

I wish people would stop diagnosing others as Narcissists based on very little. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an actual disorder, not just a name you call people you don't like much.

You've described her as loud and gossipy which doesn't make her narcissistic. For all you know she's actually really insecure and it's a persona she portrays in social situations, or she's just more extroverted than you.

If you don't like her, avoid. If she says something you disagree with then don't engage in that conversation or tell her you dont like it.

Op you’ve let her under your skin way too much!!! Just let her be and call out whenever you feel something has to be called out but chances are much of it is an act and she’s insecure. I think most mums aren’t themselves in school settings

Just confronted a narcissist today which, by the way, I knew not to do. It just felt soooo satisfying while the deflected and denied and reversed. Nothing came of it, of course, but I felt a little thrill knowing I was able to predict their responses.

However, I should be serious and say nothing good ever comes to someone who confronts someone else with narcissistic tendencies. If you have nothing to lose, go for it. If you do, just ignore them and put em on an information diet.

This, exactly. She isn't a 'narcissist', like most of the people about whom that word is used on Mn, she's just someone you don't like.

So your question is 'How do I deal with someone in a parents' group whom I don't like, but whom no one, including me, ever challenges on her gossiping?'

You have the options of (1) continuing to keep quiet (2) challenging her every time she says something unpleasant and (3) stopping socialising with the group, and seeing the people you do like individually or indifferent combinations, if they also want to see you outside the context of the group.

It is also absolutely not other people's fault that you don't feel able to challenge her. They may not agree with you that she's awful. Maybe they actually like her. Or maybe, like you, they don't but similarly don't feel able to challenge her.

But you don't get to tell other people how to behave, or to compel them to agree with your opinion of someone. You can only control your own behaviour.

Btw I want to say I am not a narcissist as I never mislead people or set people up to fail, but I can be loud and opinionated

Maybe everyone else likes her if no one else has raised an issue about or with her?

Thanks for the replies. I get it that we all have different personalities. Most of my friends are extroverts and are kind and fun people.

I just don’t know how to deal with those ones who are also nasty, unkind and gossipy (I’m sorry but it’s not classy to discuss other peoples marriages and bitch about people in general).

I love extroverts but when you’re dealing with an extrovert who is also a horrible person, it becomes extra difficult to challenge them when you witness others nodding along with them.

Maybe it just shows up all these people for being a bit nasty.

I know nothing about the private lives of any of the school parents apart from the ones I'm actually friends with ie we see each other socially in a different setting outside of the school parents group. How is the gossip being passed on? At pick up I just exchange brief pleasantries for a couple of mins while we wait, there isn't time for gossip. Maybe everyone else is gossiping about me and I don't know 🤔

I’m not saying all loud and opinionated people are narcissists. Most of my friends are loud and opinionated and I love them. I’m talking specifically about this one woman who happens to be both , which makes it additionally challenging.

@motheroffour1980 didn't you say you were not judgemental? Are you aware of your own faults? I'm painfully aware of mine and don't pretend to be anything I'm not.

I'm not keen on the overly loud, gossipy types either, but do have to admit that these are usually the types of people who Get Shit Done. They tend to be very forward, and will volunteer for organising sales, manning stalls, getting people who are busy, reluctant and reticent to attend meetings, donate stuff etc etc.

The world needs all kinds of people, and they all have their strengths. You just have to look for them, sometimes quite hard.

I wasn't going to say it but I'm glad others have. She doesn't have a diagnosable personality disorder (there's actually no consensus on whether NPD is real anyway; all of us are "narcissistic" at some level) just because you don't like her personality. I'm a bit weary of people pathologising personality clashes.

If she's that genuinely awful, nobody will truly like or be there for her so it's pretty self-regulating in that regard. If she's just not your type of person, focus on nurturing friendships with the people who are.

I don’t know why I’m triggering so many people here. I’m talking specifically about this one isolated situation here with a person I find difficult. Does no one ever encounter difficult people or people they dislike?
The only one judging is this horrible woman who goes into great detail about other kind peoples private business including intimate details of marital affairs and others financial difficulties, all at a large table of people who don’t know each other that well.
It is hugely disgusting yet no one says anything so I feel I unsure of what to do. (perhaps they all can’t stand her either)
As someone else mentioend, it is a difficult situation being my kids school group and I don’t want to rock the boat as I will see these people for years to come.
Surely you’ve all encounter this catch 22 situation in your workplaces, etc. I just want advice, not to trigger or offend anyone!

As someone who in the past would have openly clashed with the annoying person, I would a) avoid her like a plague; b) take the opportunity to reflect on what is going on because inevitably this is about me as much as it is about her and c) maybe consider if this mum group is right for you. If the other mums are okay with this type of negativity, you won't be able to change the group dynamics on your own.

Surely you just carry on with your day? You are in a group situation so she isn't the only one there to talk to.
You find her rude, loud and gossipy, others may find her enthusiastic and entertaining. Tread carefully or you could be the one that doesn't come out of this very well.

It’s not that I don’t specially dislike her personality. It’s the horrible things she says that are so inappropriate that I detest.
And I believe she is a narcissist because she continuously brags about how her family are perfect while others are all flawed. She also can’t bare anyone with a different opinion to hers.

I don’t know why I’m triggering so many people here. I’m talking specifically about this one isolated situation here with a person I find difficult. Does no one ever encounter difficult people or people they dislike?

The fact that you've taken a less than universally positive response as you "triggering" people for no valid reason might be part of it...

Of course we all encounter people we don't like. But we don't always pathologise it. And some of us find that person who quietly seethes but wants someone else to do something about it, or who sets up the tired old "I'm an introvert, extroverts are so xyz" stuff, to be one of those characters we just don't gel with.

If she really is as sincerely awful and universally disliked as you say but nobody else is saying anything, they probably have the same reasons as you. You can't control who's in a group like this so just suck it up (unless she really is outrageously offensive) and focus on the people who are your type.

But I never said I had a problem with her being loud! Why did that trigger you?
It’s her being loud along with all the other horrible things which makes her extra challenging. Most of my amazing friends are extroverts!

I think in order to have a “not boring” world we do not need more trash talking people. There are multiple ways to create an exciting world, while also being kind.

If it made me feel uncomfortable due to unnecessary over sharing I'd prob jokingly say 'I really don't want to know all this' and try and change the convo.