How to deal with narcissist in parents group

[motheroffour1980]

I find it hard to interact with dominating narcissistic woman in our school’s mum group.

I am a more quiet and laid back person and I generally get on with people and don’t judge. So do most of the mums I meet typically.

However there is one category of person that I cannot bare to be around and that’s loud, abrasive, domineering, narcissistic know-it-all, shallow types.

My kids school parents get together occasionally and we all get on well enough. They are all lovely and even if we don’t all have exactly the same interests or agree on everything, we generally get on which is lovely.

However, there is one mum who is loud, nosey, overbearing and overly opinionated to a point where hers is the only one that matters.

She talks about other peoples private lives, their businesses and gossips about people who are not present getting divorced, etc. She will do this openly in front of the whole group, when many of us don’t even know her that well. It is really uncomfortable. She also bitches about some of the teachers in the school, in front of some of the mums who are actually also teachers in the school.

The main problem though is that no one challenges her, including myself in fairness, but that’s because everyone seems to gush at her and laugh along and enable her.

Other than that I know these other mums are normally lovely and wouldn’t engage in negative trash talk conversations, it’s only when she is there she brings out the worst in conversation.

It’s so frustrating. Why do these people have to come along and ruin the dynamic of groups. I foresee the group heading down a cliquey gossipy path now, when previously it had been a nice bunch.

Does anyone else find this infuriating? Not only the abrasive characters but also the weak, brown nosing, lick ass types of people who suck up to narcissists and allow them to thrive in the first place?

Please advise. What do you do in these situations when you really dislike someone and want to call them out for being nasty, but no one else does?

I totally get you, OP. I dislike people who gossip and i don’t like people who are especially loud.
If it’s a big group, then it can only be a good thing for those who get on better to have a group?
Id just keep an eye out to see what organically happens. I’d be keeping my durable away from the gossiping mum though.

I don't mind narcissist if it's used to describe a narcissist. They are not nice people. But people use it to describe people they don't like.

It's badly overused as a term and if it ever had a meaning, it hasn't any more.

I agree. She doesn’t seem to be obviously narcissistic. Just annoying in other ways, perhaps.

So not only do you not like this woman (fair enough) but you don’t think anyone else should like her and are angry and rude about them when they do? You don’t sound very laid back. I’d be very wary of trying to ‘call her out’, you might not like the response you get

If I we’re you I’d read that back to myself iand then have a few moments of quiet contemplation

Has she been professionally diagnosed as a "narcissist" or is that just your view?

The condition is extremely difficult to diagnose, yet people throw this condition around like confetti..🙄

My life was far too busy to concern myself with school Mum dramas which are documented on here so much. I really find it hard to relate to these posts as I just didn’t experience the whole school Mum thing.

@Zebedee55 I agree so many people throwing round pseudo diagnosis says more about themselves than others.

‘It is hugely disgusting yet no one says anything so I feel I unsure of what to do. (perhaps they all can’t stand her either)’

You do know this sort of heard mentality leads itself to many sinister things? If I felt this strongly about something I would speak out.

Heard not heard! Just auto corrected again. Herd mentality I meant.

If you're at a group thing then agree with a friendly mum a secret signal, and then give the signal when you want to be rescued.

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale she could always join the Masons?

I'm not getting why OP can't avoid the obnoxious person, why OP can't socialise with a subset of nice people.

If you want her confronted then do that yourself. Otherwise avoid her. Why is this complicated?

The gossiping and bitching you can pat down by refusing to smile, nod or validate at all, and diverting your attention as possible.

She will come to you for the validation (partically if she is actually a narcissist) and you simply say "I think that's a private matter for X" or "between X and X".

But if you say things like this then your own conduct must be absoultly impeccable, and do bear in mind that groups always have one though

Alternatively you pick and choose people you do like and arrange 1:1 or small groups and just say you prefer to socialise as such

😁

Honestly, she doesn't sound narcissistic. She just sounds difficult. Not all pain in the arse people are narcissists

Yep all of this. Coming onto MN calling someone a narcissist because they think they are always right and everyone else is wrong....and then criticising everyone else in the WhatsApp group for not saying anything/standing up/enabling all the while the OP is doing all of these things herself. Absolutely zero self reflection. The irony. Couldn't make it up.

goes into great detail about other kind peoples private business including intimate details of marital affairs and others financial difficulties, all at a large table of people who don’t know each other that well.

Actually, I'd quite enjoy this 😂 I wouldn't believe it very much, but it sounds entertaining. You say the others laugh along with her, so I assume Ms Mouthy is also witty with it.

I spend a fair amount of time on MN, much of which is reading other people's problems, which may or may or not be true to any extent, and always give a single point of view. Like most humans, I'm interested by insights into other people's lives.

It is hugely disgusting

Congratulations, you've just called all 8 million of us disgusting - yourself included. For what are you doing, if not badmouthing someone we've never met?

Join in or stay out, it's your choice [shrug] Have you asked her how she knows all this stuff? I mean, you won't get a straight answer but it might change the atmosphere a bit.