To expect DD to sleep through the night or at least allow my DH to resettle her?

[lucieth]

DD is nearly 2. In a SAHM, my husband works full time. He's a very loving dad and does his very best to share in parenting and house chores whilst working, but naturally being a SAHM I spend a lot more time with DD than him. They do have a great relationship though - when he gets in from work she runs to the door shouting PAPPIIII (daddy in his language) with hugs and she belly laughs with him like she doesn't with anyone else.

DD absolutely refuses to be put to bed or resettled at night by my DH. It has to be me, otherwise she will cry MUMMMYYYYYY and refuse to go to bed. I can count on my hand the number of times I've been out for bedtime but each time she will cry and bedtime will take 3-4 hours. Once she still won't go to sleep till I come home at 11pm (bedtime normally 7:30pm) and other times he could only put her to bed by doing it in our bed (as opposed to her cot where she normally sleeps) and stay will her in the dark from 7:30 in the bed.

It makes me exhausted as it clearly means he can't help if she wakes at night (feels like every child sleeps through around 1 year old but here we are at 22 months still having 3-4 wakes per night) and if she wakes whilst I'm showering by the time I'm out she's been crying for a while and woken herself up more.

Hes not always home before bedtime from work so can't commit to always doing it more often. Plus it's truly torture for everyone if he can't put her to sleep for 3-4 hours and it feels right for me to step in.

@lucieth I get the exhaustion & frustration!! But you're expecting a bit much from a not even yet 2 year old. It's a bit much to make it sound like 'she should know better & do better' she's not doing it on purpose!!

Having a preference for one parent doing xyz is perfectly normal for a toddler. You just have to train them to accept either parent (lots of suggestions already made) and it's perfectly normal for them still to wake in the night. It's not outside the parameters of 'normal'

if she has eaten well & especially if she's had a bottle at bedtime, then I'd just give her water after that. Quite often that fixes the 'I enjoy waking up for milk & cuddles' mindset.

so does having a cooler response in the night, ok DD, you're not too hot, you're not too cold, your nappy is fine, here's a drink of water... right it's night time, time to go back to sleep' Not in a harsh voice, but very factual... rinse & repeat.

if it's not rewarding to wake up, she'll stop doing it & you're doing no harm as you're going to her when she calls got you.

However, as exhausting as it is, they soon grow out of it & you miss the nighttime cuddles!

You make it sound like your DD is purposefully doing this, but actually it's just that her parents haven't taught her any other way.

She's not 'refusing' she's just doing the only thing she knows.

If you want to change her sleeping habits then it is up to you and your partner - decide how you are going to do it and be consistent, don't confuse her by 'giving in' and giving mixed messages.

You've spent two years teaching her to sleep a certain way, and if you want her to make this huge change it's going to take you time and a lot of effort. Sleep will be worse at first.

if she has eaten well & especially if she's had a bottle at bedtime, then I'd just give her water after that. Quite often that fixes the 'I enjoy waking up for milk & cuddles' mindset.

that's so true 😂We thought we had learned but then struggled to get our son off his milk bottle in the evening. We thought he would self-wean like he had for the others, but at 22 months we decided enough is enough, and from now on he could only have it a cup and not a bottle. He decided he didn't want milk at all in these conditions, went cold turkey from 240ml to 0... And was completely fine about it!
He now enjoys cuddling on the sofa with his comforter instead, and appreciate just as much as with a bottle.

If she falls asleep "on the bottle" (which just isn't suitable at this age/for teeth/sleep crutch etc), then no wonder she can't naturally get herself back to sleep when she wakes in the night.

Tackle the milk first (for teeth), then once she's sleeping without milk, work on both of you taking turns to put her to bed.

Tbf she's only reacting to the specific crutches she's been allowed to develop in order to get to sleep.

Normal for some toddlers. My own included. DS is 2y 3m and is hard to get to sleep even for me sometimes never mind his dad. Always wakes at least once a night normally 2/3 and that's even with consleeing all night because I simply don't have the energy at the minute to go in and out his room when I'm just falling asleep in his bed anyway.

Tomorrow we are doing our for a Christmas meal so will be interesting to see what happens for grandma.

Surely teeth first get it out the way, and definitely not milk after teeth? It's full of sugar. And of course she's waking up if she knows she gets milk. Definitely cut that out, have it with dinner but only water after that and through the night.
I think you need to do more bedtimes together if possible, then you leave at some point and let DH finish. Then gradually you are there less and less..

I don’t think it’s normal at all for an almost 2YO to be waking 3-4 times a night Mine never woke that much even as newborns. But she’s just doing what she knows, what you’ve taught her.

Tackle the milk first because it is a sleep crutch that is not appropriate for her age. She doesn’t know how to go back to sleep without the bottle because she’s never learned anything else. Also, it’s ruinous for teeth. Then I’d just persist with letting Dad do bedtime. It’ll be worse in the short time but I don’t think it’s fair on any of you, least of all your DD that isn’t getting a proper night’s sleep, to continue as you are. And do it ASAP because at almost 2 she could climb out of the cot at any point and it becomes so much harder when they’re in a bed and can get up!

I would say (1) lower expectations, (2) co-sleep and (3) focus on the fact it won't last forever. It's not really an AIBU - some 2 year olds sleep through the night and are fine with both parents, some don't. We get much more sleep as a family having given in to the nightly battles and just let our 2 year old sleep in our bed, everyone cuddles up and toddler feels safe and secure. Otherwise, just let her cry / put up with Daddy and be upset.

My 2.5 year old goes through phases of still waking up and wanting me. Dad can put her to bed when I’m not there, but it does usually take longer. Does she have a teddy/cuddly toy that she’s particularly attached to? Special night lights are great too. Ours loves her big girl bed and we just put a stair gate on the door so she can’t run out whenever. She knows once she’s in her bedroom she’s in and she has to stay in - we will stay with her so long as she is trying to go to sleep, but if she starts mucking about then I tell her I will go and come back when she’s ready to sleep. She never wants us to go so it usually works.

I would let her have something extra special when dad puts her to bed next time, it’s not something you’d want to do with everything but sleep is a big separation and it will only change if she feels comfortable. So when I go out she gets a ‘special pudding’ when daddy is home and we’ve done things like allow her 10 minutes of watching Bluey after pjs are on when we never normally would allow TV at that time. we are very clear that mummy and daddy are allowing it as a special treat and whilst she might occasionally ask other times she doesn’t kick up a fuss or expect it.

It does sound like he needs to do it more Regularly to get her used to it.

Also we got her an extendable bed so it’s normal single bed width and can grow with her height wise, that’s been great as we can just lay with her and give her a little cuddle to help her sleep if she needs it.

Given its the run to Christmas - I don't know how much she understand that (mine are teens!) Could you do the Christmasy change in plans? Get the elves to deliver her a new sippy cup, a Teddy and a book with a note that now she's a big girl she can use a cup - ask her to leave the bottle out on Christmas eve or something for the new babies. (I know people do this with dummies). Maybe include a blanket for stories on the sofa, and a kids bottle for water for by her bed. Get dad involved when you give it her and do the bedtime together and differently for a while see if you can change habits that way?

That’s a good idea

Try brushing her teeth first so once she is in bed with a story, she doesn’t have to get up again

I think her behaviour is perfectly normal but I think it's also very normal to not find this sustainable. I know I wouldn't.

I would be sleep training by now and telling her dad to leave her in her cot for 5 minutes if she won't settle but I know that's not for everyone.

Mine were both in beds by 2 purely so if they got up they could just come and get into our bed if they wanted which I didn't mind personally as long as they went to sleep in their own beds.

Will she not fall asleep watching a film or something sometimes so at least you can have a break from the bedtime routine? Mine are zonked within 10 minutes if I let them watch tv after 7pm.

22m and still doesn't sleep through, dad doesn't do bedtime or nights as she just wants me but I have had a few night away e.g. Friday or Saturdays for my own things, spa, hen dos he just has to deal and it's a nwd following so I feel no guilt

It is normal. Normal for infant sleep has a very wide range. Some sleep through when they’re 6 weeks, some sleep through when they’re 4 years.

It doesn’t mean you can’t try and do things to change it but you needn’t worry that something is wrong with your DD.

There is nothing wrong with your child. Children have preferences and toddlers make their preferences known.

This will carry on forever, any nightmare or bed wetting or bullying incident or break up. Your DD will want to talk about it with her preferred parent first. Might be dad when she is older, might be you.

If it's really hard sleep train and if you feel bad to do that then you'll just have to carry on as it is and add little things to slowly slowly make her feel confident to settle better with dad/on her own.

It all sounds normal to me - I think your expectations are perhaps a bit over-optimistic!

I have a 2.5 year old who most nights wakes once and will go to sleep for me only. She will with Daddy but it takes a lot longer and involves tears and cries of Mummy! I think it's perfectly normal for them to still wake during the night at this age and to have a preference for who they want. I'm 29 and I'd rather my Mum comfort me than my Dad 😂

I'd get rid of the bottle though, they're not really supposed to have them still at 2 plus milk is so sugary. You can't expect her to go to sleep on the bottle for bedtime but then magically put herself back to sleep during the night.

Just because a 2 year old insists on something doesn’t mean an adult has to comply. Yes she’ll scream and fuss but it’s up to a parent to harden to that manipulation and set the agenda.

It’s clear that you’re both besotted with her, as you should be, but that doesn’t mean giving in to her every whim. She still needs boundaries and robust parenting. It’ll benefit her, and you, in the long run.

Two year olds are well known for being unreasonable!

I would personally stop putting her to sleep with milk. It’s not a good association - it means when she stirs in the night she can’t just roll over and go back to sleep. She doesn’t know how to go to sleep without milk, so she wakes up fully and calls for you and milk.

So I think you have two issues you need to tackle - the milk, and the preference for you.

I’d stop the milk first personally as it should be easier. Just tell her that today she’s going to have her milk downstairs, and there will be no bottles at bed time or in the night. Yes she might not be happy about it, but you have to stop sometime. Let her have a sip of water from a beaker if she’s thirsty.

After you’ve tackled the milk issue and given it a couple of weeks to settle down, then I would tackle the DH issue. He has to start putting her to bed (preferably every other night for consistency). You might need to go out for the evening the first few times.

We do every other night but my DS has a preference for me, so we tell him at dinner time who is putting him to bed so it’s not a surprise at bedtime.

Good luck - it might not be easy, but on the other hand she might surprise you.

Also, is there times at weekends when DH and DD are alone without you?

Before he starts bedtimes I think it would be a good idea for them to spend some time just the two of them so she gets used to him being “in charge”. If she spends the most time with you then she’s used to you always being default parent, even when DH is there.

A 2 year old cannot 'refuse' to do something. YOU are the adults. Leave dad in charge and go out. She will scream and scream and scream, possibly until she is sick. But she won't do it every night until she is 15! She will get used to it. It sounds like she is far too clingy with you. She needs to learn that you will always come back. This is not sustainable.

Is it unreasonable to expect a 2 year old to sleep through the night? If it is, should she be at least allowing her dad to resettle her?

It's unreasonable to expect all 2 year olds to sleep through the night. Some do, some don't. I had one of each.

She will only allow her dad to resettle her if settling her is something he does regularly, which it sounds like it isn't currently.

If these things aren't unreasonable to expect and she isn't doing that... does that imply there's something wrong with her?

I think you need to lower your expectations a bit. My first was a great sleeper. My second, we did all the same things and he was horrendous at bedtime/overnight (still isn't great tbh). Don't get hung up on what other people's children are like, they really are all different. And other people don't tell the truth anyway.

Agree with pp saying that once they climb out of the cot it's even worse, so you may want to look at some different sleep training methods before that happens. My second climbed out of his at 18 months - there was literally no reasoning with him to stay in bed with no cot bars on at that age so we ended up co-sleeping.

No advice, but I'm in the same (ish) situation. My DD will only go to sleep for me if I am at home and still wakes 3-4 times a night at 22 months. For some reason, if she knows I am not at home, she will fall asleep for ex-DP OK, he doesn't have her overnight now though. For the record, it's over a year since DD has slept in her cot for longer than 2 or so hours, she's always in our/my bed.
But yeah no advice unfortunately but just wanted you to know it isn't just you, I know it can feel like it sometimes.