Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DD to sleep through the night or at least allow my DH to resettle her?

105 replies

lucieth · 30/11/2023 08:23

DD is nearly 2. In a SAHM, my husband works full time. He's a very loving dad and does his very best to share in parenting and house chores whilst working, but naturally being a SAHM I spend a lot more time with DD than him. They do have a great relationship though - when he gets in from work she runs to the door shouting PAPPIIII (daddy in his language) with hugs and she belly laughs with him like she doesn't with anyone else.

DD absolutely refuses to be put to bed or resettled at night by my DH. It has to be me, otherwise she will cry MUMMMYYYYYY and refuse to go to bed. I can count on my hand the number of times I've been out for bedtime but each time she will cry and bedtime will take 3-4 hours. Once she still won't go to sleep till I come home at 11pm (bedtime normally 7:30pm) and other times he could only put her to bed by doing it in our bed (as opposed to her cot where she normally sleeps) and stay will her in the dark from 7:30 in the bed.

It makes me exhausted as it clearly means he can't help if she wakes at night (feels like every child sleeps through around 1 year old but here we are at 22 months still having 3-4 wakes per night) and if she wakes whilst I'm showering by the time I'm out she's been crying for a while and woken herself up more.

Hes not always home before bedtime from work so can't commit to always doing it more often. Plus it's truly torture for everyone if he can't put her to sleep for 3-4 hours and it feels right for me to step in.

OP posts:
Headband · 30/11/2023 08:24

Haven't you already got a thread about this?

Goldx2 · 30/11/2023 08:29

I‘m not actually sure what you are asking

Original poster
lucieth · 30/11/2023 08:38

Goldx2 · 30/11/2023 08:29

I‘m not actually sure what you are asking

Is it unreasonable to expect a 2 year old to sleep through the night? If it is, should she be at least allowing her dad to resettle her?

If these things aren't unreasonable to expect and she isn't doing that... does that imply there's something wrong with her?

OP posts:
Original poster
lucieth · 30/11/2023 08:38

Headband · 30/11/2023 08:24

Haven't you already got a thread about this?

Yes but threads outside AIBU never tend to get as many responses so I've posted here to get more advice

OP posts:
Torganer · 30/11/2023 08:41

What happens if you go out with friends for the evening, will she settle then or does it take ages.

Goldx2 · 30/11/2023 08:42

Oh no there is absolutely nothing wrong with her. Please don’t worry about that. I found that when my children were that age, they were better off in a bed rather than a cot. Does she have a routine? Baby lavender bath & story? I don’t know what to advise about letting daddy put her to bed. All I do know that is why this feels it is lasting forever, it won’t.

Seeline · 30/11/2023 08:53

I would do bedtimes together for a while and then you can begin popping in and out of the process with a breezy Daddy's going to read your story now, I'll pop back for my kiss in a minute etc.
Don't have him do bedtime rarely and only on the occasions that you've actually gone out in the first place

If you can sort bedtime, she might be happier being settled by dad if she wakes.

It's quite normal for a not-quite 2yo to wake during the night.

BeckhamSeven · 30/11/2023 09:02

So this was us but the other way round. My DH always did bedtime from her being about 11 months old, so she (strongly!) associated sleep with him. It was a nightmare on the rare occasion he went out and I too was stuck at 11.30pm with a screaming and fidgety child 🤣

It was a gradual thing, so I started doing a couple
of bedtimes a week on a weekend and it was "daddy will do bedtime tomorrow but tonight it's my turn" etc.

Also you've identified her sleep association (you) so now you need to gradually introduce other sleep associations (a good bedtime routine, with us it was white noise, a story etc)

In terms of waking up, we told our daughter that she just wasn't allowed to wake us up in the night unless she was poorly. If she woke us up, well the next day we couldn't go swimming/to the park/to her play date because "mummy was tired" etc.

It's not foolproof, and she does still settle much better if my DH puts her to sleep, but we can muddle through now

TurquoisTiger · 30/11/2023 09:06

I’ve learnt after having two children that this is in fact the norm (not sleeping through anyway) and it’s just that people only seem to talk about it if their kids sleep through! Re settling for someone else, he just has to persevere and you have to all decide if you are motivated enough for it to get worse before it gets better when he does it

Seeline · 30/11/2023 09:06

In terms of waking up, we told our daughter that she just wasn't allowed to wake us up in the night unless she was poorly. If she woke us up, well the next day we couldn't go swimming/to the park/to her play date because "mummy was tired"

You can't tell an under-2 that!
They wake for all sorts of reasons, and generally just need comfort. They certainly won't associate waking after a nightmare with not being able to go to the park the next day!

HikingforScenery · 30/11/2023 09:06

You told your two year old you wouldn’t be able to go the park if she woke you up and it worked?
Mine wouldn’t remember that association the next day tbh

Yogaandcrochet · 30/11/2023 09:07

I think this is pretty normal. Hard, but normal!

Nortam · 30/11/2023 09:07

Totally normal for a bit yet 2 year old to not sleep through the night and prefer mum to resettle them.

SecondUsername4me · 30/11/2023 09:08

What does you putting her to bed look like? What's your routine with her?

Original poster
lucieth · 30/11/2023 09:12

Torganer · 30/11/2023 08:41

What happens if you go out with friends for the evening, will she settle then or does it take ages.

I've only done it a few times but each time it took my husband 3-4 hours to get her to sleep, and other time she didn't go to sleep till I came home at all (at 11pm)

OP posts:
Original poster
lucieth · 30/11/2023 09:15

Goldx2 · 30/11/2023 08:42

Oh no there is absolutely nothing wrong with her. Please don’t worry about that. I found that when my children were that age, they were better off in a bed rather than a cot. Does she have a routine? Baby lavender bath & story? I don’t know what to advise about letting daddy put her to bed. All I do know that is why this feels it is lasting forever, it won’t.

Her routine is books in her bedroom in dim-ish light (but still enough light to read and see pictures) for about 15min. Then brushing her teeth, then putting to sleep by having milk. If she wakes up in the night I try to comfort her without the bottle, just cuddles but if she keeps saying "Bot Bot" I'll give her the bottle.

When he's home dad (DH) will do the bedtime stories and teeth.

She seems to hate baths and it makes her more agitated so we don't do them before bed.

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 30/11/2023 09:16

I absolutely do not think it is normal for an almost 2 year old to be waking 3-4 times a night. How could most people have other children or hold down a job if that were the norm? I have no solutions OP but I certainly would be exploring every avenue before accepting this or hoping she'd grow out of it. Avenues include diet, anxiety, over or under tiredness, medical issues, a poor routine, lack of fresh air.... Other people have offered some good ideas about the issue of your child's father not being able to put her to bed but I personally wouldn't be having that either. Sometimes you have to put up with a bad few nights in a row to break a pattern. A pattern which is detrimental to everyone, including the child.

Original poster
lucieth · 30/11/2023 09:17

BeckhamSeven · 30/11/2023 09:02

So this was us but the other way round. My DH always did bedtime from her being about 11 months old, so she (strongly!) associated sleep with him. It was a nightmare on the rare occasion he went out and I too was stuck at 11.30pm with a screaming and fidgety child 🤣

It was a gradual thing, so I started doing a couple
of bedtimes a week on a weekend and it was "daddy will do bedtime tomorrow but tonight it's my turn" etc.

Also you've identified her sleep association (you) so now you need to gradually introduce other sleep associations (a good bedtime routine, with us it was white noise, a story etc)

In terms of waking up, we told our daughter that she just wasn't allowed to wake us up in the night unless she was poorly. If she woke us up, well the next day we couldn't go swimming/to the park/to her play date because "mummy was tired" etc.

It's not foolproof, and she does still settle much better if my DH puts her to sleep, but we can muddle through now

She does have other sleep associations like we do a bedtime story before and switch the white noise machine as she's going to sleep.

How old was your daughter when she could understand the link between waking mummy up and mummy being too tired to do things next day?

OP posts:
Original poster
lucieth · 30/11/2023 09:19

SecondUsername4me · 30/11/2023 09:08

What does you putting her to bed look like? What's your routine with her?

Her routine is books in her bedroom in dim-ish light (but still enough light to read and see pictures) for about 15min. Then brushing her teeth, then putting to sleep by having milk. If she wakes up in the night I try to comfort her without the bottle, just cuddles but if she keeps saying "Bot Bot" I'll give her the bottle.

OP posts:
DaveWatts · 30/11/2023 09:21

We had the same - I think if you go out every night for a week and let him do bedtimes then it might help, rather than just doing the odd night. Yes the first time it will take 4 hours but the next night will be shorter and the next after that probably shorter again. That way your DH can build his own bedtime routine with her and then you can start alternating nights. That's how we did things for my daughter when she was about the same age and it worked fine. She didn't stop waking in the night and asking for me for about another 6 months, until I had Covid and DH had to do all the night wakings - again, after a week they had their own routine worked out and after that we could alternate.

Bearbookagainandagain · 30/11/2023 09:23

It's not going to be popular but just throwing it out there: you can also say "no" and let her cry/call...

The more you give in and go, the more she will call for you (and why not since she knows it'll work?). If she feels you really mean it, she will stop.

It doesn't mean you don't love her, and I'm sure she knows that as you show it to her in many different ways every day.

GoingOffOnATangent · 30/11/2023 09:24

Sounds completely normal to me. I've had two kids, one was like this, the other wasn't. They vary so much.
She obviously associates you with nighttime comfort. It will pass as she gets older. Meanwhile I sympathise with how hard it is. Mine still woke occasionally until 5yo (she had growing pains at night) but gradually the necessity it was me that went to her faded so though it still happened occasionally it didn't have to be me. I can't remember when the change occurred, though I remember finding it tough.

MissyB1 · 30/11/2023 09:31

Well your Dh is just going to have to do more bedtimes. You say he’s not home in time from work, could that change even just for one or two nights a week? Or he has to do every Saturday and Sunday bedtimes. Your child has to get used to dad putting her to bed. And both of you need to learn to ignore any nonsense - and yes I know that’s hard!
I’ve got 3 kids and all of them slept through by 18 months (my eldest slept through from 10 months), but I did sleep training, I know that’s not for everyone though.

crumblingschools · 30/11/2023 09:32

On a completely separate note it’s not a good idea to give a bottle after teeth brushing.

I would start giving her water if she wants a drink in the night.

theleafandnotthetree · 30/11/2023 09:35

Bearbookagainandagain · 30/11/2023 09:23

It's not going to be popular but just throwing it out there: you can also say "no" and let her cry/call...

The more you give in and go, the more she will call for you (and why not since she knows it'll work?). If she feels you really mean it, she will stop.

It doesn't mean you don't love her, and I'm sure she knows that as you show it to her in many different ways every day.

I agree with this....people (including little children) do what works and you teach your child how to be. Why wouldn't a child continue to default to warm cuddles and warm milk when this is on tap? You can be loving but firm and there is no harm at all in them occasionally getting upset or coming up against a boundary that they really don't like. These are normal human experiences which arguably, actually need to be experienced in terms of human development. The best parents I know - with the most happy, grounded and pleasant children generally - are warm and loving but run a tight ship where they are in charge and where the children aren't setting the agenda.