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Original poster

Would you sacrifice marriage and children for love?

161 replies

Cheeeseeverywhere · 28/11/2023 16:55

Just curious. Say if you really wanted to be married and have a child, and your partner didn't for whatever reason (just wasn't ready or didn't want the commitment). Would you be prepared to forgive and stay as a girlfriend/boyfriend forever?

OP posts:
Leggytigberk · 29/11/2023 13:30

No, I could have done, with one man because he wanted to work on his career. He was doing very serious time consuming research.

It wasn't 'children' for me, I was young so thought we could work on that later. It was about lack of commitment to me. He was over 45 before he got married, 20 years after we broke up.
It was the right decision for me, no deep regrets only a few 'What if' thoughts over the years.

Winter2020 · 29/11/2023 13:45

Your partner is not ready for commitment.
And when they are ready to commit - to someone else - your opportunity to have children will have passed you by.

TrashedSofa · 29/11/2023 14:24

I wouldn't have been, no.

SparklingLime · 29/11/2023 14:33

No, because I wouldn't commit to someone who wouldn't commit to me.

I also find excessive wariness about commitment very unattractive.

Saschka · 29/11/2023 14:54

Nope, because I wanted children. Fine if you don’t of course, but if you do, there are a lot of men out there! This one is unlikely to be your one and only chance at happiness.

I’m not a particular Tim Minchin fan, but “If I didn’t have you, someone else would probably do” is a pretty level-headed way of looking at relationships.

There are multiple people I could have been happily married to if I wasn’t happily married to DH. That doesn’t mean I’m not happy with him or don’t love him, I very much do. But counterfactually, if we’d split up twenty years ago, it’s unlikely either of us would still be single.

One of my close friends was jilted by “the love of her life” - they were engaged and he got cold feet and broke it off. She was 35, and terrified she’d missed her only chance of a family. However she was married and pregnant three years later, and now has two children and is ten years married, and very happy.

Strokethefurrywall · 29/11/2023 16:18

Absolutely not. I would never compromise a fundamental biological yearning (kids) for the love of someone else.

Not least because "love" forever is not guaranteed. You'd be a fool to expect someone to fulfill all your needs if you give something up for them.

KimberleyClark · 29/11/2023 16:41

FrozenGhost · 28/11/2023 17:45

No I wouldn't. Romantic love doesn't last so you are giving up having children for a few years of "love" at best.

I beg to differ. DH and I still love each other romantically after 33 years as well as being best friends.

Beachywave · 30/11/2023 06:55

No. My best friend bought a house with a guy knowing he didn’t want children and ultimately wasted five years of her life because in the end she does want a child and he’d never change his mind. Now she’s 35 and dating again and it’s stressful doing it at an older age knowing your clock is ticking.

Swanfeet · 30/11/2023 14:28

Until you divorce!

ChipOffTheOldBloch · 30/11/2023 14:30

No.
And I'm sorry if you're having to choose x

Mossstitch · 30/11/2023 14:46

No....I could live without marriage but never without my children!!

Londonrach1 · 30/11/2023 14:51

No

mydogisthebest · 30/11/2023 15:05

I definitely would not have sacrificed marriage. I was not sure when I met DH whether I wanted children but he definitely didn't. We did discuss it at length but decided not to have any so I guess, in some ways, I did sacrifice children but have never ever regretted it

MargotBamborough · 30/11/2023 15:08

No, we would be fundamentally incompatible.

BeBraveLittlePenguin · 30/11/2023 15:10

No. There will always be men around, there are always opportunities for love or sex.

The window for children closes though.

mydogisthebest · 30/11/2023 15:14

FrozenGhost · 28/11/2023 17:45

No I wouldn't. Romantic love doesn't last so you are giving up having children for a few years of "love" at best.

I don't agree. Me and DH have been marred 43 years and are still in love. Can't say that about almost all of our friends who have children

HappyAxolotl · 30/11/2023 15:16

I never wanted children so let's flip it over. If I met a man I really loved and wanted to stay with but he wanted children, I'd have to leave him. We wouldn't be compatible in our life goals and there is no compromise. I would have to set him free to find the right partner who did share his wish to have children. (And for me to find a childfree partner too.)

mydogisthebest · 30/11/2023 15:18

Desecratedcoconut · 28/11/2023 19:54

Most people want children because it is one of the most rewarding adventures in life.

I think quite a lot of parents would disagree with you

Katela18 · 30/11/2023 15:29

Definitely not.
I'd be incredibly resentful, because why should I have to give up my wants and goals so they can have theirs? And why would they let that happen?
I would see it better to cut my losses and find someone on the same path as me, and let them do the same.

hsapposhit · 30/11/2023 15:40

No because if you want children you need to be with someone who also wants them and not waste time hanging around with someone who has clearly said they don't want them.
If you're not that bothered about children one way or another, e.g if they came along it would be nice but you could also live without them, then fine.
But not if the desire is there to have them.

You'll only end up feeling more and more resentful as time goes on.
We have a family member like this. She's 60 now and so bitter about the children issue still but she married her DH knowing full well he absolutely didn't want any more children - he had children from a previous marriage.

DrCoconut · 30/11/2023 15:45

Marriage to a better off partner protects women. In general marriage gives your DH/DW the ability to bugger off with half of what you worked all your life for.

Willyoujustbequiet · 30/11/2023 16:05

Never.

Children always before partners.

Poppy61 · 30/11/2023 16:26

No, I didn't.

padsi1975 · 30/11/2023 16:44

Both my cousin and sister did this and it has worked out so far for them. I don't know how much hurt they carry though. Sister definitely some, cousin....can't tell. But both relationships seem happy.

Kezzy16 · 01/12/2023 22:03

when I first met my hubby he said he didn’t want to get married and at first said he didn’t want children, I said it would be a deal breaker for no children as I always wanted them he then changed to he wanted children but later on in life so I was happy about that. 2 years down the line I had my first and he then wanted another and that was were we stopped. I also wasn’t really bothered about getting married apart from having the same surname as our children. However 12 years after being together he asked me to marry him out of the blue and said it felt the right time. His brother, sister and his dad got married in the years previous and all in relationships were they had been together less than ourselves so may have been a push in that direction. I never thought it was going to happen so when he suggested a date and things became real I was surprised 🤣. 20 years we’ve now been together now. suppose it’s how that person feels and the comprises you both can make. You can’t force someone to have kids but then on the other foot the person who wants them may regret their choices later down the line when it’s too late