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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you sacrifice marriage and children for love?

161 replies

Cheeeseeverywhere · 28/11/2023 16:55

Just curious. Say if you really wanted to be married and have a child, and your partner didn't for whatever reason (just wasn't ready or didn't want the commitment). Would you be prepared to forgive and stay as a girlfriend/boyfriend forever?

OP posts:
Nightmarerels · 28/11/2023 20:51

Depends on age, 20s versus a hard no from mid 30s. There have also been cases where the man suddenly ditches his long term partner, gets married to someone younger and has a child.

Maray1967 · 28/11/2023 20:53

No. Marriage first, then DC. No way was I going to make myself vulnerable.

Benibidibici · 28/11/2023 20:53

No. God no.

My babies mean so so so much to me, they are my world

googledidnthelp · 28/11/2023 20:56

I wouldn't have ever thought so but then I fell hopelessly in love and when he told me didn't think he could have children, rather than he didn't want them, in that instant I was prepared to have a childless life with him because he was everything I could have hoped for after many years of shit luck and bad relationships.

We very unexpectedly did fall pregnant after nearly 4 years together and i felt like it was a reward for sticking it out because he was worth it.

However I absolutely wouldn't have settled for some average guy and average relationship because he didn't want kids if I did.

mindutopia · 28/11/2023 21:00

No, because it would have meant that our values and life goals were too different for a truly happy lasting relationship. I know people who have shifted who they are for a relationship. They are very surface level shiny and happy but there’s something simmering away under the surface all the time that doesn’t seem right.

PurpleBugz · 28/11/2023 21:28

Absolutely nothing would make me choose having a man over having kids if I wanted them.

I have a friend wait years as partner not sure he wanted kids. She definitely wanted kids but decided she wanted him more. He cheated on her and the relationship ended when she's getting to the end of child bearing years. I feel terrible for her.

I married for 'love' im left raising the kids alone. I could easily have done this alone from the start. I actually think if you don't think you can manage to parent alone then you should not have kids- you could be widowed, divorce, he works long hours and you are left doing everything etc. An equal partner is great but few of us get that.

I love my kids they are my biggest joy. Not being sure you want kids and choosing a man is one thing but knowing you want them and denying yourself will never heal in my opinion

SuperGreens · 28/11/2023 21:36

Only if they were prepared to sacrifice by getting marriage and having children. Oh they're not, then neither am I.

KimberleyClark · 28/11/2023 21:38

My DH and I both sacrificed children to stay together. We both had fertility issues but both might have been able to have children with other people. We have zero regrets.

NorthernLights5 · 28/11/2023 21:41

Don't care about marriage, never have. I don't need "protection" from a man as a pp put it as I'm a competent adult capable of having a career.

I would have never given up having children though, not for any man or woman. Having children was a dealbreaker for me.

thelonemommabear · 28/11/2023 22:06

No never

So many friends I know were told that shit by their boyfriends only for them to commit their best years to him and then have him sod off with a younger woman who he then marries and has babies with

Bibbitybobbitty · 28/11/2023 22:11

No, walk away & have a chance of happiness with someone else. He may never change his mind or be ready to commit & you will have missed your chance.

housethatbuiltme · 29/11/2023 11:28

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poetryandwine · 29/11/2023 11:45

bonzaitree · 28/11/2023 20:32

I don’t think either person in a relationship should have to sacrifice their life goals for a relationship. So no.

This

Ineedaholidaynowplease · 29/11/2023 12:23

Going against the majority, I don't see marriage as the deal breaker a lot of ppl seem to be. In fact I'd go as far to say I've seen it be pretty meaningless on many occasions - people cheating on their spouses etc, whereas I also know unmarried couples who have been together years and are more solid than a number of married couples I know.

I understand the importance of financial protection but don't believe marriage is the only way to achieve that. Time and time again we see on here women who aren't on the house deeds for example - yes marriage is a quick way to ensuring protection but even though I am married now, I never felt vulnerable unmarried as I was a joint owner and had savings.

Children isn't something I would ever sacrifice for a man however. There are always other men but there is a Limited time window for children and a man who doesn't appreciate this isn't likely to be the love of your life

ThePeachIsSoUnusual · 29/11/2023 12:24

No.

All2Well · 29/11/2023 12:35

@housethatbuiltme

Bizarre that your take from my post is that I find children who don't have a father (or mother for that matter) offensive. I most certainly don't.

It's truly wonderful to hear you have such a wonderful relationship with your mother and that you feel she is much better than all of your friends' mothers and fathers.

That's, however, got nothing to do with the fact that I have decided I couldn't personally live with creating a child in a lab with donor sperm who from the get go will grow up with no father and idea who they are until they grow up...not because there would be anything "offensive about their existence" but because it would be entirely selfish of me.

If I died, that child would have to go into care for a start. I don't have relatives who could take them in and care for them until adulthood.

I've read study after study through my research work as a lecturer which backs up that this route is more often than not psychologically harmful for the child and that these impacts last into adulthood.

And last of all, my own mother didn't expect that she'd become ill when she had me but I began helping care for her as a toddler and I, as a result, didn't have much of a childhood. It would have made a huge difference to have my own father take on the caring role but he wasn't around. If I were to become as ill unexpectedly, I wouldn't want my child to suffer either as a carer or again by having to go into care (as was threatened many times in my own childhood) because I would be the only parents around. My decision is around what is kindest and fairest for a potential child.

I am allowed my own opinions on whether the sperm donor route is right for me. You don't get to police that.

Please don't involve me any further in discussion, my decisions aren't about you.

housethatbuiltme · 29/11/2023 12:58

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OhCrumbsWhereNow · 29/11/2023 13:01

DH initially told me that he didn't want to ever get married and he never wanted children.

I told him that I wanted to be with him, but I wanted children and that wasn't happening without a ring on my finger. He needed to decide what he wanted and I gave him 12 months to decide or I would have to leave. His parents had had a messy divorce and his 'never having kids' best friend was in the middle of splitting up so I could understand some of his issues.

There was a ring on my finger and he was talking baby names within 3 months. Nearly 20 years on, he is the most doting of daddies and always remembers our wedding anniversary!

Witchcraftandhokum · 29/11/2023 13:04

I wasn't married for a long time (eventually did because he wanted to and I wasn't bothered either way) and never had any kids. I haven't 'sacrificed' anything because I never wanted them in the first place.

TedMullins · 29/11/2023 13:05

MoneyMuppet · 28/11/2023 17:29

Yes.

Marriage isn't important to me. While I appreciate it can offer protection to some women, I don't see it particularly offering me any protection. I'm happy to be told I'm missing something though.

Children have never been part of my life plans. I've actively avoided dating men who want (or say that they want) children.

Same here - I’d ask men on the first date if they wanted marriage and kids and if they said yes I wouldn’t see them again because I don’t want either. So you could flip the question and ask “would I sacrifice being childfree and unmarried for love” and the answer is no, because I know on a very deep level I don’t want kids, and I’m ideologically opposed to marriage (and financially independent). If, however, marriage and kids were things I fiercely wanted, then no, I wouldn’t - I’d endeavour to find a partner who wanted the same things.

ManateeFair · 29/11/2023 13:19

I've never been bothered about getting married and never really wanted children. DP and I have been together for nearly 21 years.

However, I also know that he would be happy to get married if I wanted to (and vice versa), and that if I had suddenly become broody and wanted kids, he would have open to the idea (albeit a little terrified). Each of us knows that the other is fully committed, and our legal/financial set-up reflects that.

If I turned round to him right now and said 'I think we should get married, you know' and he said 'No, I'm not ready' or 'It's too much commitment' then I would certainly be very concerned and unsettled by that.

A good friend of mine essentially missed her chance to have children because she spent twelve years with a man who refused to commit to either marriage or children, and then he dumped her (for a woman with two children, ironically) when she was 41. By the time she met her current partner (who is absolutely lovely) she was on the brink of perimenopause. She would have LOVED to have children and I know it still upsets her sometimes.

Duckswaddle · 29/11/2023 13:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

gettingolderbutcooler · 29/11/2023 13:22

Nope. I left him at 35 and then found the love of my life at 39 and we've got 2 kids.

LBB2020 · 29/11/2023 13:27

Marriage yes, not something I was ever that bothered about
Children no, I always wanted to be a mother

Letsgetouttahere2023 · 29/11/2023 13:29

No way