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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you sacrifice marriage and children for love?

161 replies

Cheeeseeverywhere · 28/11/2023 16:55

Just curious. Say if you really wanted to be married and have a child, and your partner didn't for whatever reason (just wasn't ready or didn't want the commitment). Would you be prepared to forgive and stay as a girlfriend/boyfriend forever?

OP posts:
MPSH · 28/11/2023 17:14

No cos you can have it all… with many people.

susiedaisy1912 · 28/11/2023 17:14

No.

MPSH · 28/11/2023 17:14

Not all at the same time obv I mean that it’s the bare minimum really and there would be many suitable partners for us all out there.

Flamingos89 · 28/11/2023 17:14

Marriage - absolutely - children - absolutely not

Dancingonaslice · 28/11/2023 17:15

WobbliHead3000 · 28/11/2023 16:57

No, because marriage, stability and children are important to me. I’d have to admit that we want different things and agree to go our separate ways. Sad, but it’s a recipe for resentment later down the line otherwise.

This.
and my kids are my world and a life without them is unimaginable

Ponderingwindow · 28/11/2023 17:17

Love doesn’t sustain a relationship for a lifetime. You need shared life goals.

maxelly · 28/11/2023 17:18

Justmuddlingalong · 28/11/2023 17:00

No.
Those are 2 biggies to have opposing views on.
Resentment will set in eventually.

I agree. But the question pre-supposes that you do have a (strong) view in favour. Of course if that's the case it would be quite difficult/risky to partner up in the long term with someone with a (strong) opposing view, seems quite likely one or both will end up unhappy.

But I would like to gently the probe the implied consensus on the thread that marriage and children are automatically/naturally things that all (or most) women would/should want and that you're 'sacrificing' something or agreeing to a lack of respect or protection in your relationship if you don't have either/both, without knowing the full circumstances.

It's perfectly OK to be ambivalent or less than totally sure about both marriage and kids (in which case you're probably better off not doing either) - it's easy given the way we're raised and socialised as women to think being married and having children is the be all and end all, and I'd venture that many of us particularly of a slightly older generation started out fully expecting that that would be our path in life too, then as we got more life experience (including actually being in relationships) we started to question whether we were as sure as we thought we were and maybe even changing our minds totally. That's not 'sacrificing' yourself necessarily or letting a man trick or disrespect you if it's truly an informed and considered personal decision. I'd say that's being brave and true to yourself in fact.

And also marriage doesn't automatically equal protection for women as asserted, certainly doesn't guarantee commitment or respect and you can absolutely have both without being married. I'd advise against deciding your future life, career and financial plans including how you raise your children purely on your partner's preferences if you don't understand the full legal implications of being married or not married, but that applies to men and women and in both directions equally!

HeraSyndulla · 28/11/2023 17:20

There's more to marriage than just kids.

Theoware · 28/11/2023 17:24

Aquamarine1029 · 28/11/2023 17:03

Two women I know very well did this and they have nothing but bitter regret. Both of their partners cheated on them, left them, and went on to have children with other women. In both cases it was far too late for the women to have children with another man.

I get this…but the same thing could happen if married, so it has never seemed like a guarantee of stability to me.

CharlotteRose90 · 28/11/2023 17:27

Marriage yes as I’m protected enough, children no

MoneyMuppet · 28/11/2023 17:29

Yes.

Marriage isn't important to me. While I appreciate it can offer protection to some women, I don't see it particularly offering me any protection. I'm happy to be told I'm missing something though.

Children have never been part of my life plans. I've actively avoided dating men who want (or say that they want) children.

haribosmarties · 28/11/2023 17:32

I'm not sure the love would stay in this situation.. especially if its something you'd been lead to believe and then they went back on.. I think resentment would build up and that might destroy the live anyway
So I don't think it would be a choice between love and that.
Different if it were fertility issues or if it were something they'd always said from the start and had trauma surrounding or something...
I think I'd choose love in that situation. If I'd known from the beginning.
But this is irrelevant. I fell in love with a man who wanted marriage and children and altho those were things I'd never thought of wanting before I did them for him and have been very happy with that choice. I mean I was never totally against the idea or anything... so it's not like he completely changed my mind... it's just something I probably wouldn't have ended up doing if I hadn't happened to fall in love with a man for whom it was important.

WarningOfGails · 28/11/2023 17:32

Marriage I don’t mind about but I’ve always wanted children. Can’t imagine being willing to give that up.

greekeconomist · 28/11/2023 17:36

I didn't, it was a very painful breakup, I'd already compromised on not marrying him so the no kids conversation was a deal breaker. We mucked around for another couple of years trying to get it to work bit ultimately we split up, we'd been together 7 years and I was in my early 30s so reconciled myself to maybe not having children. I met now exh a few years later and had 2 children very quickly. My ex was married within a year of us breaking up, that hurt a lot. Even practically 20 yrs later and in a loving relationship, that rejection of no kids / no marriage still hurts.

MintJulia · 28/11/2023 17:37

I walked away from my engagement when he announced shortly before the wedding that he had decided he didn't want children.

I have a ds now but have never found a long term partner. I am happy with the decision I made. I would have resented him and it would have eventually destroyed the marriage so there was no point staying.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 28/11/2023 17:38

As the higher earner in our relationship by a considerable way, I would have been OK to sacrifice marriage. (Though I did choose to get married anyway!)

No way that I would have sacrificed having dc though. That is way more important to me than any romantic relationship.

Rycbar · 28/11/2023 17:38

No. I made it very clear that children were an absolute deal breaker for me.

tulipsunday · 28/11/2023 17:39

I am married with a child and one on the way. I could have given up on the idea of marriage (I think..) but children...no it was just too important for me.

OkayScooby · 28/11/2023 17:43

No. I wanted someone who wanted to marry me.
Would accept no less.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 28/11/2023 17:45

Dacadactyl · 28/11/2023 17:01

Absolutely not.

I wouldn't care how much I loved him, I'd feel like he didn't give a shit about me if he didn't want to marry me. It'd be a matter of self respect to me.

To me it's like you're good enough to live with and act like his wife to all intents and purposes, but not good enough to marry.

If that's the case, I'd tell him to jog on.

This with bells on and I’m often shocked by the number of women that seem to begrudgingly accept a man who doesn’t want to marry them or have children with him hoping he’ll change his man. If a man won’t marry you it is almost always a very bad sign.

Candleabra · 28/11/2023 17:45

I would sacrifice marriage but not children. I’ve seen too many childless by choice couples reach their mid 40s when it turns out the man actually did want children after all. He moves on to have kids with a younger partner leaving the woman with no partner or children.

FrozenGhost · 28/11/2023 17:45

No I wouldn't. Romantic love doesn't last so you are giving up having children for a few years of "love" at best.

jeaux90 · 28/11/2023 17:47

No. I would happily throw any man under a bus for my child.

I'm a lone parent, I would not have it any other way.

greensharpie · 28/11/2023 17:49

Absolutely not. Marriage I can take or leave, but I am so glad I got the chance to have my child.

I think it is interesting (as people have mentioned up thread) that men who say no marriage/kids often DO go on to marry/have kids with somebody else.

AntiStuff · 28/11/2023 17:50

Never wanted to get married but I did compromise re: kids, for eight years, because I loved him so much and I thought he'd change his mind.

Finally split up, utterly desperate at the thought of not becoming a mother. I did eventually, but I was very much in the last chance saloon by that point, and I only managed one successful pregnancy.

My ex met someone ten years younger and now has two children. He's not a bad person, but I hate him for wasting my time and hope he finds being an older dad exhausting.