MIL dying, husband angry at me for not being closer to her

[alicedbr]

MIL has a terminal illness and it's looking like she won't be with us for much longer. Understandably DH is beside himself, he is very close to his mum and an only child.

I've never got on with my MIL as I feel like she's always given unsolicited advice, tried to get over involved in my parenting and in our relationship with DH (examples: got very offended that I didn't want to have a C section as she advised, said things like "mummy isn't being very nice" to my DS when I was attempting to put him down for a nap that he was resisting, given cake to DD "because it's what grannies do" when I specifically asked her not to). Because of that I limited the time I spent around her, although I never stopped DH spending time with her and encouraged him to visit solo, but DCs are very clingy to me so never went without me to see MIL.

Now that she's ill my husband keeps getting VERY angry at me that I didn't just tolerate her treatment of me, always saying "she didn't mean it like that", "she just wanted to be a hands on granny", annoyed at me that DC are much closer to my parents than MIL because we saw them more often, blames me for 'time wasted' that she could have spent more time with our DC. In my view I have never been rude to her or restricted her contact with DH or DC, just protected myself from stress and comments that I didn't like.

Unsure how to deal with this. Is he BU? Is this a natural reaction? How should I be responding? I don't feel like my mental health was or is worth sacrificing just because one day she would die earlier than me, but equally I see why he's upset.

I can see a similar thing happening in the future when my ILs pass. It's tricky, I don't see why I should spend time with them when they make me feel unwelcome/are critical (to be fair this is not so much my MIL but my FIL and S/BIL), and they don't make any effort to visit us, and only minimal effort to stay in touch at all. They live about 2.5 hours away and have other children/grandchildren who live closer and who they seem to prefer. My DH is welcome to visit them alone/with the kids, but doesn't want to go alone (or only very rarely, at least). So somehow it ends up feeling like it's down to me to make the visits happen, although I'm the one who doesn't mind if they do or not! I can see how it can look controlling, but if he was really pushing the boat out making arrangements etc (or they ever phoned us, asked to meet up etc. which they don't!) it would be different, instead it seems like he's waiting for me to suggest we go, which isn't going to happen.

Maybe think of it like this - I don't think you will ever understand until your children do the same to you (through learned behaviour). Do you think your husband has a point? Or is his behaviour completely unjustified?

For fuck’s sake.
OP means she didn’t use formula. Not that her children weren’t introduced to solid food at 6months like every else.
Yes, I know that ´exclusively breastfed’ technically refers to the period before weaning onto solid food starts, but I’m sure you actually know she was talking about the kind of milk her babies had and the age she stopped breastfeeding them.
It’s a real thing for people to assume you’re supposed to stop breastfeeding at 6months and it’s fucking annoying having to explain to people that you’re still breastfeeding your 1year old and that no, that’s not weird and yes, they do still need milk of one kind or another. Drop the faux naivety.

Also - no one has to put up with “a bit of crap”. Some of us have the self respect and self esteem to recognise that we don’t have to. I am sorry that you don’t. You should work on that.

Have some empathy, your husbands mother is dying. He's grieving and saying (presumably) all the things that have built up over the years where he's just bitten his tongue and you're making it about you.

That’s pretty much what I think too. Grief is irrational and inherently selfish. I know when my parents died I probably gave my bloke a very hard time and I’ll be forever grateful that he never argued with me or made it any more difficult for me than it already was. It’s not about you @alicedbr.

I agree with you. Take the first example and run with it.

I suppose I’d either have let it wash over me on the basis you can only be truly hurt by those whom you love, or I’d have been in the house but doing other things so MIL could have time with her grandchildren. I think going “out” is provocative and hurtful to MIL. Defend yourself by all means, but this cutting off contact in family relationships is really bizarre to me.

@Baffledandalarmed many women breastfeed until 2 and beyond, OP didn't say exclusively. As a formula feeding mum would you accept constant comments from your 'breast is best' MIL? Would you accept her calling you fat because you didn't breastfeed? Would you be happy to leave your baby alone with your MIL if she turned up at your house with a bottle of pumped milk or a different formula to the one your baby's tummy was used to?

My self esteem is built on my own perceptions of myself and the people who I love, it isn't eroded or harmed by the words of people whose opinions I don't value.

Sincerely, that is great for you, but not everyone has such robust self esteem and OP is not the bad guy for being affected by objectively nasty comments especially when she was a new Mum

My MIL was a very difficult woman, OPs examples are nothing on her. She called me "it" she told my husband I was having an affair in front of me (I wasn't) when we told her I was pregnant with our second child she screamed, ran int he kitchen and started smashing dishes.

I am so grateful that I had enough about me to recognise it was his mum, she was difficult we both knew that but I always visited, made sure our children knew her and supported him when she died. Dealing with it together just made us stronger.

Dealing with it together just made us stronger.

Wisest words on the thread.

He’s angry because he knows he’s fucked this up and he’s taking it out on you. He could have spoken to his mother and told her to tone down the attitude. He didn’t. If he wasn’t prepared to do that, he could have made the effort to ensure that he could take his own kids to his mother’s without you. He didn’t do that either and now, as he says himself, it’s too late.

Be completely honest with yourself - did you discourage, through words or actions, your husband from taking them to your MIL’s? If the truthful answer is no, then sit down with your H at a time when he is more calm and receptive to what you’re saying, and just lay your cards on the table. You’re sorry his mum is dying, you see his pain and regret. You acted to protect yourself and you wish it could have been different. He needs to do what he can to make the coming months as bearable for himself and his mum and he needs to stop blaming you for what should have been.

If the truthful answer is you could have done more to encourage H in having the children on his own, then I think that needs to be said too. You don’t need to apologise for distancing yourself from a difficult MIL but I do think it’s a shame he couldn’t have taken them there himself.

She should have left the children with her husband and MIL when she went out. So they missed her, not a big deal when they are with their father. On here men get torn to pieces for not looking after their children and here we have a father who can't have his kids with him. Of course on other occasions he might well have been left to cope when it suited OP.

I would say, yes we could have done more and taken the kids to see her. I know she loved to watch you with the children because it must remind her of when you were her little boy.....(without emphasing on the 'we' bit.)

Also - no one has to put up with “a bit of crap”. Some of us have the self respect and self esteem to recognise that we don’t have to. I am sorry that you don’t. You should work on that.

So if your parents were dying and you snapped at your DH for something he had done that had jeopardised their relationship with your kids and he didn't put up with it and made your snapping all about how hard-done-by he was... you'd be fine?

Cos that's what OP is doing.

If she wouldn't leave the children with him in their own house what do you reckon the chances are that she happily waved him off with the children to visit his mum?

Well done Ghandi, that’s wonderful for you. The rest of us, unfortunately, end up finding it somewhat wearing to be shamed, judged and persecuted in our own homes but it’s just lovely for you that you don’t have that problem.

In all honesty she sounds like an absolute nightmare of a human being and you were right to avoid her.

The fact she is dying doesn't change the fact she was bloody awful to you.

There's already been plenty of discussion about why it's not particularly unreasonable that OP wouldn't want to leave her kids with someone who bad mouths her in front of them when OP is actually there. Perhaps if her husband grew a spine and defended her once in a while she would've been more comfortable leaving the kids with the pair of them

Persecuted 🙄 good to see a bit of proportionality about it all.

Username checks out if you think that made you stronger, jesus. Also don't think your examples are anything worse than OP's tbh

So glad I divorced XH before his sainted fucking mother died. She was an absolute nightmare.

He and his second wife nearly split up over the fallout, and she also had a permanent fallout with XSIL. All very predictable.

Where’s the defence of the Mil or her behaviour? I’ve reported your personal attack.