MIL dying, husband angry at me for not being closer to her

[alicedbr]

MIL has a terminal illness and it's looking like she won't be with us for much longer. Understandably DH is beside himself, he is very close to his mum and an only child.

I've never got on with my MIL as I feel like she's always given unsolicited advice, tried to get over involved in my parenting and in our relationship with DH (examples: got very offended that I didn't want to have a C section as she advised, said things like "mummy isn't being very nice" to my DS when I was attempting to put him down for a nap that he was resisting, given cake to DD "because it's what grannies do" when I specifically asked her not to). Because of that I limited the time I spent around her, although I never stopped DH spending time with her and encouraged him to visit solo, but DCs are very clingy to me so never went without me to see MIL.

Now that she's ill my husband keeps getting VERY angry at me that I didn't just tolerate her treatment of me, always saying "she didn't mean it like that", "she just wanted to be a hands on granny", annoyed at me that DC are much closer to my parents than MIL because we saw them more often, blames me for 'time wasted' that she could have spent more time with our DC. In my view I have never been rude to her or restricted her contact with DH or DC, just protected myself from stress and comments that I didn't like.

Unsure how to deal with this. Is he BU? Is this a natural reaction? How should I be responding? I don't feel like my mental health was or is worth sacrificing just because one day she would die earlier than me, but equally I see why he's upset.

For the time being OP I would say as little as possible on this to your husband. He’s upset, he’s grieving. From your posts it’s sounds like she had the kind of relationship with you that her actions warranted. But right now isn’t the time to get into that. As a way forward deflect, diffuse or walk away. At a better or calmer moment address if you need to.

^^ this also.
At 4 and 2 it's very young to have that much of a relationship with their grandparents especially if they live abroad.

I agree with this, this is exactly what I take from your posts. Your husband is understandably bitter at the moment as he is losing his mum. Best thing you can do now? Step up and give her a good death. Do whatever she needs to be comfortable. Spend time with her.

Hi OP, Absolutely baffled by the posters saying that you were in the wrong or too sensitive! Please ignore those people- I can’t believe that they are being genuine.

I, too, would have protected myself (and my children) if someone had made such comments to me. Your current relationship is the natural consequence of her appalling behaviour and she has no one to blame but herself. Equally, whilst I appreciate that your DH is grieving, he also has no one to blame but himself, as he never stepped in to mediate or rectify the situation.

I do think it is possible that you could open a conversation with DH about creating some special memories between your DC and MIL now that she is dying. However, the way he is speaking to you atm is absolutely unacceptable, grieving or not. In order to move forward and do the nice things with MIL, he needs to stop blaming you and acknowledge that she is not perfect. Only then can you resolve his feelings of regret; otherwise I’m afraid I’m not sure your marriage will survive.

YANBU

If MIL hadn’t been such a bitch, she would have seen more of her GC.

I think all you can do is say “I understand you are grieving and sad, but there’s a limit in terms of directing that at me. I’m sure everyone has regrets and wishes they’d done some things differently when a parent dies”

@MereDintofPandiculation

What about when the health visitor tells a woman she should have a c-section to avoid traumatising her husband, or brings bottles of formula to a breastfeeding mums house, or tells a woman to stop breastfeeding so she can lose weight?

The health visitor making a twee 'mummy is mean' comment when a mum is taking off baby's clothes at the scales is totally different to OP's scenario.

Yanbu Op. There is a demographic shift underfoot on mumsnet, I’ve lurked for years and noticed it. Alot of shitty DILs are becoming shitty MiLs and wondering why they are meeting such pushback and resistance! They haunt these threads and will seek to justify even the worst possible behaviour by a MiL. There is a lot of vested self interest going on.

No one has to put up with rudeness, emotional abuse and disrespect whether from a relative, a boss, a partner or whoever. You drew healthy and appropriate boundaries in response to your MiL's behaviour and deep down your DH knows this or he would have challenged them at the time and made much more effort to facilitate the relationship between you, the kids and her. He didn’t and is projecting his guilt and anger onto you. It’s not acceptable and grief is no excuse for being abusive.

I would not stand for the tirades - I would be telling him the truth that the lack of relationship was down to her behaviour and his, in failing to stand up for you and failing to facilitate the relationship between his mother and his children. (There is also nothing less attractive than a weak and passive man who stands by while his wife is mistreated). Be prepared for it to get worse - he is likely to start canonising her post death and this has already started, so you need to be assertive now.

I don’t have a good relationship with my MiL - she is Greek and very rude, controlling and disrespectful. She was physically, mentally and financially abusive to my husband growing up and frequently upsets my children. I have also restricted the contact between our family and her and make no apology for it. DH is fully supportive and sees what she is like. The idea that because someone is from another culture, we should be respectful and tolerate bad behaviour from them but they don’t need to be respectful of us and our culture is just absolute nonsense and needs to stop.

I had a MIL like this and she became terminally ill in her early 60s - my H was horrible to me at that time and even went and had an emotional affair - when it all came out many years later he said 'well you couldn't stand my mother' - This wasn't actually true at all, but she was incredibly 'full on' and liked to say things to me like 'you appear to be behind with the ironing' - so I do understand why you feel as you do. I actually do miss her 17 years later . She meant well just phrased things badly.

I think your Hs culture is a really big part of this - Spanish/italian/Greek families are very family minded and momma often rules the roost- boys seem to have a big attachment in particular and the fact there is no love lost he obviously finds really hurtful. Given she doesn't seem to have much time left I think you need to cope with his anger (which I think isn't really about you) and try and make things easy for him and ideally take the children over etc

I'd actually suggest he moves out until she passes so he can deal with his grief without ruining your marriage in the process. You aren't his kicking board. Hope you're ok xx

Your husband is reaping what he helped his mother sow.

My paternal grandmother was a right bitch who treated my mother like shit all her life. As a result neither myself or my two brothers wanted a relationship with her ... and she only died a couple of years ago, when we were all in our early 50s. As far as I'm concerned, that was totally all on her. My mother tried her best to facilitate our relationship with her, even inviting her to spend Christmas with us when I was 21, after my father had left my mother for another woman less than two months previously (and disappeared). That was the last time any of us saw her.

Your children are only 2 and 4. They aren't going to remember her anyway. I'd be seriously having to resist the urge to point that out to your husband.

As said I suspect he's taking it out on you. For now, all you can do is support him with what he's going through and, for your own sake, if you feel you can make peace with her now, ie let it all go, then do so - my MIL wasn't that bad (just the usual MIL niggles), but it was only after she'd left us that I realised the positives I'd missed out on.

If he continues to be like this afterwards, then I think that's the time to deal with it. Sorry for what you're going through, it can't be easy with him being like this and to some extent she's still family and it's hard for you as well.

This. Yes she sounds annoying but nothing so bad it should have limited her seeing her gc.

He’s deflecting his guilt onto you. He could have taken his kids to see his mother, he could have invited her to come over more often. He could have stood up to his mother when she made mean comments about the OP. He could have stood up to the OP when she claimed the children were too clingy to spend time without her. He didn’t do any of that. My kids see much more of my mum who lives in another country that they do of their paternal grandparents simply because I prioritise visiting her. I have never stopped him taking them, but he’s not bothered. They’re nice people too, but once or twice a year is enough for him.

If you really want advice rather than to confirm you are right and he and mil wrong, perhaps don't bat it all back. As you know she is dying, you could try and make a relationship with her for the time she has left. Yes, she will still say things you don't want to hear, but you will be giving love and support to your husband who is about to lose his belt very mother.

You don’t have to put up with criticism of this level, even if it was your own mother. It was your husband’s responsibility to keep a relationship going (and to stand up for you, which he’s not even doing now - understandably in grief but still). You reap what you sow, I guess there’s many a regret that comes with the reaping.

Whilst there has to be a level of understanding for your husband, this shouldn’t be left to fester either. I’d would be saying ‘I can see how much you’re hurting at the moment but please stop taking it out on me. We still need to be a partnership for years to come and I don’t want you’re grief and unfair remarks about my perfect right to protect myself when we had babies to be something that chips away at our relationship forever more.’.

There’s nothing to be done to change the past now, and by the sounds of it your mil (and husband) wouldn’t have changed anyway, only expect you to put up with it.

Just because she’s terminally ill, it doesn’t suddenly make her Mother Teresa. He sounds to be struggling, but that’s hardly your fault, is it? I’d tell him that whilst I’m happy to support him, I won’t be an emotional punchbag. Some of the links he’s making, eg the lasagne one, aren’t even logical! It’s like he’s picking up on any thing and trying to provoke an argument 🙄

Lots going on here.

MIL's comments, while definitely rude and annoying, seem fairly mild to me. But its up to you where you set your boundaries, which is what you did.

You probably shouldn't have let your opinions and boundaries impact her relationship with your DCs, which you obviously did do.

DH obviously now resents you for that. But also he should have stood up for you more when it was happening.

It's complicated!

However none of that really matters now as obviously he is beside himself with grief and rightly or wrongly is taking it out on you- I think in your shoes I would simply apologise and offer to be there for him. I can't see another alternative unless winning an argument when he's going through something like this is more important to you.

I have also been the child with an abusive grandparent - my maternal grandmother was a horrible, emotionally abusive woman who frequently put my dad down and insulted him because he was working class. I wish my mum had stood up for him and for me as a child on the receiving end of her spiteful malicious behaviour. There is nothing worse, as a child than having a parent who you love and adore (and who is half of you), ripped into by a grandparent. It’s confusing and awful. I wish my mum had “deprived” us of the relationship with my maternal grandmother- I wouldn’t still be having to work through the trauma in my 40s if she had!

I actually would not allow him to start talking to me like this, just because he's grieving. She hasn't actually died yet, so imagine how bad he'll be then if this continues? I would very calmly and kindly just reiterate to him that you understand he's sad/grieving/angry about MIL but you will not be treated badly because of it. And repeat. You do not have to be the scapegoat to make him feel better that's not your job just because you are his wife.

Whatever has happened is in the past now and she doesn’t have long to live.

Perhaps visit more often with the kids or just invite her round and leave the kids with her and DH rather than take them with you if you go out ?

By taking them with you when she visited you, you were restricting access in a passive aggressive way.

I do sympathise with you regarding her treatment of you but even though you haven’t wanted to see her, you shouldn’t be affecting your DC’s relationship with their other granny.
And you have been.

Your responsibility as a parent is to protect your children from people who are rude and abusive, not to expose them to those people. It would have been damaging for your children to hear her put downs about you, even if you weren’t there.

You’ve done nothing wrong and your DH is reaping what he has sown. Not standing up to his mother is the root problem here.

My MIL was an absolute cow and really full on (but sneakily) nasty to me. I ducked out of DIL duties but encouraged him to build a relationship with the kids without me. EXDH was a mummy's boy who said, " please don't say anything back to her. As my children grew to teens she picked on them too and they were pretty much NC with her.

After we split up and he got a new partner who EXMILwas also really full on nasty to, I think the penny dropped (slightly). Anyway, we'd be split for about a decade when she died. He came to see me to share his grief etc (he'd split from partner by then) he asked me if I could find one thing nice I could say about her. I tried to find something but tbh it was a poor effort on my part as she was so bad. He also said he'd wished I'd encouraged the kids to like her more.....I laughed and he looked suitably embarrassed as he KNEW the situation.

My nieces (his sister's kids) came to see me after the funeral and said their mother always told them that she felt sorry for me as MIL was so horrible to me. It was such a bittersweet thing to hear but really validated my feelings.

Actually that doesn't sound nice. You could have left the kids, you knew she wanted to see them. Sometimes you reap what you sow.

I fed mine till 3 years, some people asked why I just told them is suited me and baby. Not sure why it offended you.

Assume OP meant she was feeding solids and continuing to exclusively breastfed alongside this, as recommended by the World Health Organisation guidelines. I also breastfed my children until 2, alongside working full time in a demanding professional job. It’s not that hard. I did it because I wanted to, my children wanted it and it was comforting for them. It also reduced their likelihood of eczema, allergies, and childhood leukaemia. It also cut my risk of developing certain types of breast cancer.

Also - no one has to put up with “a bit of crap”. Some of us have the self respect and self esteem to recognise that we don’t have to. I am sorry that you don’t. You should work on that.