MIL dying, husband angry at me for not being closer to her

[alicedbr]

MIL has a terminal illness and it's looking like she won't be with us for much longer. Understandably DH is beside himself, he is very close to his mum and an only child.

I've never got on with my MIL as I feel like she's always given unsolicited advice, tried to get over involved in my parenting and in our relationship with DH (examples: got very offended that I didn't want to have a C section as she advised, said things like "mummy isn't being very nice" to my DS when I was attempting to put him down for a nap that he was resisting, given cake to DD "because it's what grannies do" when I specifically asked her not to). Because of that I limited the time I spent around her, although I never stopped DH spending time with her and encouraged him to visit solo, but DCs are very clingy to me so never went without me to see MIL.

Now that she's ill my husband keeps getting VERY angry at me that I didn't just tolerate her treatment of me, always saying "she didn't mean it like that", "she just wanted to be a hands on granny", annoyed at me that DC are much closer to my parents than MIL because we saw them more often, blames me for 'time wasted' that she could have spent more time with our DC. In my view I have never been rude to her or restricted her contact with DH or DC, just protected myself from stress and comments that I didn't like.

Unsure how to deal with this. Is he BU? Is this a natural reaction? How should I be responding? I don't feel like my mental health was or is worth sacrificing just because one day she would die earlier than me, but equally I see why he's upset.

You’re saying ‘it’s not about you’ to OP like her husband isn’t specifically and deliberately making it about her by blaming her for his failure to maintain his and his children’s relationship with his mother. She’s not waltzing in and gleefully telling her husband ‘isn’t it great your horrible mum is dying’. She’s being pulled into it by him because he’s making her a whipping boy instead of facing up to his own inadequacies.

Except it isn’t at all. You are twisting and manipulating the OP’s situation.

1. If my parents were rude and disrespectful towards my husband, I would challenge it immediately and repeatedly.
2. If they did not stop, I would support him in limiting contact with them, but I would take the responsibility on to facilitate a relationship between them and my children and not expect him to do so. 3)If they were dying, it would not change 1&2 above.
3. If in grief, I snapped at him and he pointed out 1&2&3 I would apologise, because he would be completely correct.

HTH

I'm shocked at some of the replies you've had, OP. The ones telling you that you should've been a doormat!

How many threads do we see here on Mumsnet, telling OPs 'go NC!' in circumstances just like yours. Hundreds of them.

You were not wrong to avoid someone so actively critical of you, seemingly so determined to undermine you.

Each time your husband has a go at you, I'd reply that you know it's just the grief talking. If he will not give up, maybe reiterate how much he prioritised his mother over his own family when he didn't support or back you up. And how much that hurt.

I agree you need to just try not to take it personally abd understand that it's grief. Now her life is ending he's reflecting on things, likely in a negative mindset, so worried about things like maybe she didn't see enough of the kids and so on.

This was really painful to read OP because it was similar when my MIL was dying (and after). She was a really difficult person. We got on OK at first. I'm quite quiet and reserved and I think she thought I could just be pushed around. Once I started standing up to her she turned on me. Like you I dealt with it by opting out of her company whenever I could. My husband admitted she was a pain but everyone in his family put up with it because it was easier. He thought I should too but understood (i thought) that I'd rather stay out of the firing line. She lived locally so he could see his parents a lot by dropping in for short visits in his own or with our son. I went occasionally for bigger get togethers.

When she got ill and died (within about 6 weeks) it was horrendous. He acted like I'd murdered her. I knew it was grief and also that he's not good at showing or talking about feelings so it all came out as anger and irritation towards me and to some extent towards our son who was about 4. It was weeks of him glaring, snapping and picking arguments with me. I tried to quietly muddle along but it was desperately awful. Then he'd get annoyed with me for being miserable because he thought I wasn't entitled to be. Once he told me he'd be glad when my mother died because then I'd know how it felt. He got on well with my parents so that was a real shock.

Initially I was scared he would leave us because he seemed to loathe me so much. We'd been together for about 15 years and been pretty happy until then so it was such a huge shock. But then after about 3 months of the same I couldn't stand it any more. I actually wanted him to leave and said so.

It was like he woke up from a dream and things were suddenly much better. I think he knew I meant it and realised punishing me wouldn't bring her back and that he risked losing me too. We've never really talked about it that much. I once did raise how awfully he'd treated us and he agreed "it was a terrible time". He also told me long aftewards that when his mum was dying she admitted how difficult she'd been (on purpose) and really regretted it, and a lot of his anger was about her having ruined relationships for no reason. But he couldn't get angry with a dying woman so I got the brunt of it.

Sorry that's really long and I didn't mean to bang on about myself so much but I wanted to share because it sounds so similar. But in short, though it got worse, it then got better. Hang in there and put up with what you can whilst he's grieving. He will not be like this forever and even if he is you can decide not to tolerate it indefinitely.

This is very much the view I'm taking here.

When the OP went out, she was breastfeeding so clearly the child being breastfed needed to go with her. The other one shouldn't have had such separation anxiety but because the OP's husband doesn't appear to have been a very hands on type of dad, that child wanted their mother.
The OP's husband could have and probably should have done more to improve his relationship with his own kids, from the get go.
The OP's husband could have and probably should have done more to stop the 'death by 1000 cuts' that the OP was getting from the lashing of his mother's tongue. Take the language barrier out of it and yes, she probably was nit-picking throughout her visit and the OP reached her tolerance level a lot quicker than her husband because the husband was conditioned to believe that his parent(s) were never wrong.

OP - I think you're getting an unfair time at the moment. I do think you need to have a conversation with your husband, at a time when he's calm and if he goes from zero to 100 and starts shouting at you, you reply with "We'll talk again about this when you're calm. I'm not going to put up with being shouted at by anyone. You're setting a terrible example for the kids, you know they can hear you so lets deal with this later" and leave the room. Keep saying that. Also remind him that you wouldn't have felt the need to behave as you did in the past had his mother been more inclusive and less critical but that ship has sailed so it's in the past.

I'd also consider seeing if you can get some grief counselling as it might help you help your husband with what he's going through and then recommend some for your husband:

@BIossomtoes not a personal attack. An observation.

^ This.

He is taking his guilt out on you that he didn't make more effort with his mother, and he didn't because it was easier that way. Being terminally ill does not make her a nice person!!

Turn it back on him. When he makes a criticism, say, "well if that is how you feel, what are you going to do about it now?" He didn't exactly excite himself trying to facilitate a relationship between her and his children, now did he! He has the opportunity now to 'make memories' so let him put his money where his mouth is. Just ignore the auld bag, or say dismissively when she makes nasty comments, "really, do you think so?"

By the time she goes, he will have turned her into some kind of plaster saint who can do no wrong!

This.

Yeah I guess that’s kind of my point. He should have had enough about him to arrange having the kids around MIL without the OP there, either at home or at MIL’s house. Either the OP went along with his laziness, which is not great but ultimately his fault, or she actively discouraged the children from being away from her, which is manipulating the situation and H is probably somewhat justified in his anger towards her.

The H has messed up - he shouldn’t have been lazy about having his own kids on his own, he should have worked at that situation either by practising with the kids or pulling up his wife on the manipulation of the situation. The OP either allowed the consequences of his laziness to play out, or she acted to ensure the children wouldn’t be without her. Only she will know which it was.

It is so easy behind a keyboard to suggest cutting people off, not accepting any slights and taking offence at ridiculous comments. Life is messy, this is a mother who is dying and a son who loves her and is sad. My mother has told me I need to lose weight all my life (I do), questioned my breastfeeding/cooking/cleanliness/attitude to my DH/even my common sense for most of my adult life. I love her, she loves me and always will and I either speak up or laugh it off. That's often just family life.

I'm not saying serious abuse is right; but I am saying you just have to be the better person some times and see this for what it is. Relationships are messy sadly, there are ups and downs to negotiate. I don't think the OP needs advice on what to say - I think she knows how she should respond with warmth and support. I think she's come on here for validation that she's right and MIL/DH are wrong.

I am sorry you and your husband are going through this, however my MIL was also a bit tricky when I first had kids and said similar things to yours. However I just kept going and we all made regular visits as a family to see my in laws. 15 years down the line we have a good relationship and she knows that I am a good mum (as is she). I just think that the MIL / daughter in law relationship can always be difficult so it just needs a bit of understanding on both sides. Please support your husband as he goes through this.

I agree. People on here are so quick to suggest cutting people off or going NC for the smallest of irritations. Irl, most of us accept other people's shortcomings.

Could you consider making something for 'Granny' for her to have at her side, from the DC. You wouldn't need to be there in person, perhaps your DH can go with your children. A cuddly toy with a little notelet under its arm with a thank you note for being 'Granny' saying she is loved or a little cushion with something nice threaded onto it. It might help him process and have a resolution to his dissapointment in past connections.

Grief makes me so vile it's surprising I've not been sectioned or arrested when dealing with losses so I understand DH being an arse.
However, if on any other post a poster said, "when I was EBF MiL tried to give my DC forumla" there would be cries of having her burnt at the stake.

She does sound like a horror, but your comments about how your kids couldn’t be away from you, don’t wash. Bf babies can spend some time away from mum - mine did. And saying your other child is clingy, therefore must come with you, is a convenient excuse. If a child is clingy with one parent, you work together to rectify the situation, not just accept it as the way things are. The children should have had access to their grandmother. You and she clearly had a problem with each other which has nothing to do with the children and shouldn’t have affect their relationship.

He is a grown-ass adult man.

What 'help' do you need to take your children to see your parent?

This is a very good assessment of the situation.

Sadly, it will be very difficult to move on from this. It will damage the marriage irretrievably.

I'm sorry to see you getting such a pasting, OP. There are all sorts of reasons for people to post here, and sometimes people just need to make someone who is already suffering feel worse.

I'm notoriously bad at tact so I won't suggest exactly how, but is there a gentle way you can encourage him to focus on doing things with/for his mother, and maybe taking your children to see her before she dies? Having something like that to do might help him not to focus so much on what he feels was wrong in the past.

Afterwards, I think that counselling for both of you (together and separately) might help, both in terms of his grief and your ongoing relationship.

This is a very good assessment of the situation.

Sadly, it will be very difficult to move on from this. It will damage the marriage irretrievably.

I'm sorry! If the children had spent some time with his mother-in-law, why is it the OP's fault? Why didn't the husband keep the kids when she visited? or took them to visit them. I think it's his fault!
I agree that the OP might sometimes be overly sensitive, and some things are typical of a mother-in-law or grandparents. How many times could the mother-in-law have given the OP's daughter cake near bedtime anyway? or how many times would she have said you'll know when they'll grow etc.
(It's typical for every MIL/mom to say), But it's up to the OP if she doesn't want to deal with negative comments for her mental well-being. I also think that she restricted her children's access to their grandmother by taking them away when MIL visited, saying they were too attached or clingy, instead of leaving them with their dad. Even if the kids complained once, she could have tried doing it two or three times so they'd get used to it.
BUT
It was the husband's responsibility to ensure the children could see their grandmother. Even if he had to ask the OP to leave the kids when she went away during her mom's visit, or take them to his mom's house, etc.
He can't just show a lack of effort now and act like it's the wife's fault for not enduring the mean things the mother-in-law says while he sits there silently.

How is that being unpleasant? OP is right to take herself away from someone who continues to be mean and undermine her. If she wanted to have a good relationship with her grandchildren all she had to do was be nice not act nasty. Sorry OP was not unpleasant.

If DH wanted a better relationship he could have spoken to his mother not ask OP to pretend his mother is not nasty and mean.

I'm sure ultimately the truth lies somewhere in the middle, it almost always does. (Not necessarily slap bang in the middle.)

As others have said, he is grieving, scared and regretting things which are no longer possible to make up or do differently. This is making him act in an unreasonable way. It would have been far better for him to raise these issues earlier, and you to reach a happier compromise, but sadly for us all it is very human to think we have infinite time to work things out. Then illness and death come along and confront us with the horrible reality: namely, that that isn't true.

What he's expressing, to me, is a desire we all have but unfortunately an impossible one. He wishes he could turn back the clock and that things could have been different. In his grief I think you have to be as patient as you can with that. What is really important not to do is to see his statements as expressions of support for his mother in some battle of her vs you. It sounds like that, I know, but you can choose not to engage with it like that. Rather, hear the things he says as expressions of grief, fear and regret.

You could try asking something like, Given we are where we are, and we can't turn back the clock, what could we do now that would make you feel better? Would it be to go and visit her with the kids, cook her recipes etc. You don't know whet his response will be till you ask. If you do get a reaction that is pure negativity, you can understand that as his grief at the fact that none of these things achieve what he wants, which is to turn back time and for things to be different, and any anger and frustration is anger at that not being possible.

I’m glad to see an OP who isn’t a doormat!

Sounds like husband is taking his grief out on you. But also sounds like you have restricted her access to GC. You have enabled your DC 'clingy' behaviour and should have taken steps before now to ensure DC saw their grandmother without you present. DC being clingy to any one person is unhealthy imo.