MIL dying, husband angry at me for not being closer to her

[alicedbr]

MIL has a terminal illness and it's looking like she won't be with us for much longer. Understandably DH is beside himself, he is very close to his mum and an only child.

I've never got on with my MIL as I feel like she's always given unsolicited advice, tried to get over involved in my parenting and in our relationship with DH (examples: got very offended that I didn't want to have a C section as she advised, said things like "mummy isn't being very nice" to my DS when I was attempting to put him down for a nap that he was resisting, given cake to DD "because it's what grannies do" when I specifically asked her not to). Because of that I limited the time I spent around her, although I never stopped DH spending time with her and encouraged him to visit solo, but DCs are very clingy to me so never went without me to see MIL.

Now that she's ill my husband keeps getting VERY angry at me that I didn't just tolerate her treatment of me, always saying "she didn't mean it like that", "she just wanted to be a hands on granny", annoyed at me that DC are much closer to my parents than MIL because we saw them more often, blames me for 'time wasted' that she could have spent more time with our DC. In my view I have never been rude to her or restricted her contact with DH or DC, just protected myself from stress and comments that I didn't like.

Unsure how to deal with this. Is he BU? Is this a natural reaction? How should I be responding? I don't feel like my mental health was or is worth sacrificing just because one day she would die earlier than me, but equally I see why he's upset.

^^ this exactly

When poster's examples intensify over time from the original examples, when they find people aren't agreeing with them, I'm not entirely sure it's not exaggerated. It just gives that impression honestly.

Yes I would mainly like to know how to respond!
I don't want to lie and say "ah yes all my fault, was so wrong of me to stand up for myself. I should have just listened to the comments, smiled and let the kids hear all the mean things about their mum"
As he's grieving I can't exactly say "listen we both know she's been a btch, I had every right to keep myself away from her for the sake of my mental health"
So what CAN I say?! To de-escalate the argument but also not start saying I'm wrong just for the sake of it (because that also wouldn't de escalate the argument but would just validate him having a go at me when he shouldn't do)

Your husband failed you all by his selfish inaction.

Many, many MIL have zero difficulty not making nasty personal remarks to their DIL.

Your MIL wasn't one of them.

Your lazy husband neither loves you nor respects you enough to hsve intervened on your behalf.

He chose to sit and watch and excuse her......and so it continued.

Her behaviour was neither normal nor acceptable.

I don't know a single woman who would have tolerated this.

Most woman would have pushed back a LOT harder than the OP did.

She wouldn't have stepped into my house again after the first few remarks.
She would have been told she simply wasn't welcome and her son could see her elsewhere if he wanted to remain married.

The OP was very tolerant considering.

He's just another lazy man who needs to blame the nearest woman for HIS failings.

I really hope you stand up for yourself.

Death is hard, but it certainly isn't eased by blaming others for your failed actions.

The two women in his life getting on should have been a priority for him, but he chose to be a lazy arse and now wants to blame you for his guilt.

He sounds deeply unpleasant, his mothers son.

He's a weak mummy's boy and didn't have his wife's back.

OP I think people aren’t really clocking that your kids are still very young and there really wasn’t much time when they were independent enough to develop their own relationship with their grandma before she got sick, especially the youngest one. If this had happened in 10 year’s time you might all have been able to see each other without all that crazy new mum criticism feeling relevant. Unless she just picked new things to put you down about of course.

OP, I really feel for you.

Unless posters have had the experience of a MIL from hell, they have no idea how much this stuff affects and hurts you over the years. It's all well and good being told to ignore it, but when it's constant digs and belittling it's damn hard.

Your husband failed you (as did my EXDH). He allowed his mother to treat you badly, and didn't stand up for you. This is his doing. You need to be firm and clear to him now that you acknowledge he is hurting and you will be there to support him, but not if he's abusive or rude to you.

To those posters who are blaming this on you - you clearly haven't been at the receiving end of a rude, manipulative and toxic MIL. You have NO idea how this stuff affects us.

I think you can express regret that things worked out as they did.

"I wish we'd all been able to have a better relationship. I know you're hurting, please don't take it out on me. what can we do now to ease this process?"

@Desecratedcoconut it did become a running joke in the household, yes

That's so rude it's comical.
This sounds bad but remember she won't be around forever. You may not have to put up with her comments for that long.

I think grandparents always look for their genes in their grandchildren.

You've put it so well. You've made me want to make more effort with my in-laws too. I do love my husband and I think it takes effort but is still important to facilitate children in maintaining a bond with his family. Thank you @booksandbrooks

I would keep repeating versions of 'I'm sorry the difficulties over the last few years have had this effect. I'm here for you.'

This.

"DC are clingy to me"
Maybe because you never allowed them to go with their dad to his own mother's

Except OP's issue isn't her boundaries, if they were truly the issue then her DP had the option to step up earlier. If her marriage suffers from this (and assuming there's not a ton of extra relevant info about her and MIL's behaviour), the issue is more having a DH who doesn't prioritise her and doesn't step up to take parental responsibility. I'd say it's a warning to all of those who accept their DH putting his parents before his partner/mother of his children.

OP didn't go NC, and it's quite clear from the posts that it's not about different views or occasionally winding each other up, but about the MIL having a constant nasty and cruel attitude, constantly putting her down including in front of the children, which as @CremeEggSupremacy said is very distressing. And it's about the DH never stepping in to mediate or respond - instead he allowed a relationship where MIL was allowed to be nasty and OP's only choices were listen to horrible comments or leave the room.

Maybe because you never allowed them to go with their dad to his own mother's

They're very young and were both breastfed.

Not really. I'm guessing you've not had to experience a nasty MIL. All of OP's examples are sadly very realistic in my experience. And it seems most people are agreeing with her so no need for her to really fabricate anything. It's difficult when you have a horrible MIL and some people tell you to brush all the nasty comments off, OP obviously feels like she has to add more examples as people are telling her she should've just ignored the bullying perhaps not realising how nasty some MILs are

"Mummy is mean" is a standard response by health visitors, nurses etc to anything which mummy has to do which baby doesn't like. It's just something to say, there's no meaning behind it.

It isdifficult to be a MIL because you see a DIL as your son's partner, a welcome addition to the family, but your DIL sees you as an alien who has no part in the life of her family, whereas the other grandmother is welcomed into the life of the grandchildren.

I agree
I am not usually on the side of the MIL after having a really horrible MIL. However, in this case I think that Op didn’t make enough effort.

I think that the children are 2 and 4 makes a difference. If his mum had lived longer then as the kids had got older he could have taken them to visit mil by himself to build their relationship.

Unfortunately she is dying too soon and he is angry about that, but honestly she sounds like she was horrible to you and it's fair enough that you went out and took the breastfed child with you.

There is meaning behind it when the person it's coming from is horrible to your Mum. Doesn't sound like MIL was a HV or nurse, just a horrible old bag

Clinginess us pretty normal in 2 year olds.

Not really

Hence it being my impression and not yours.

I didn't say they weren't realistic. I said it gives the impression of exaggeration when examples escalate in severity over time compared to the original post, in response to poster's not agreeing.

"DH. Some people clash and don't get on and thats just how it is. She got annoyed with me. I got annoyed with her. No body is in the right or the wrong here. We are very different people - it doesn't mean we don't love and care about them or about you. We both are independently minded women who had different priorities and our children are different. You were a different baby to our children and so what worked with you, wouldn't necessarily work for them. You know that. You know that parents do things differently and thats normal. Its not normal to do things exactly the same as your parents. Surely you can understand that?"

"I understand you are angry and grieving that things weren't different. Life isn't fair or perfect. But you lashing out and blaming me for everything is grossly unfair. Stop using me as a punching bag for all the things you wish you'd done or wish you'd done differently. This family utopia you have in your head, doesn't exist and wasn't ever achievable. I really believe that I could never have done everything right no matter how hard I tried, and deep down I think you know that. Focus on what we DID do together that we enjoyed"

"Anyway its done and your right we can't go back in time. Now your mother hasn't got long left, so instead of wasting what time you DO have left, how can we put aside that resentment and make these last few weeks worthwhile before we all regret that too. How can we make the most of this?"

I mean all the examples you’ve given sound very mild. Annoying, yes but I can’t imagine stopping a relationship over them. Sorry but I’m with your DH here. Not sure what you can do to fix it. Maybe acknowledge you were a bit too sensitive about the comments and thought you’d have more time to build a relationship.

How many meetings do people think OP prevented? The youngest child is only 2 and presumably has been sick for a while. And she describes being present while her MIL visits for the weekend and putting up with the nasty comments for as long as she could handle before going out to get away from it. She wasn’t no contact with her MIL. And she obviously made repeated attempts to put up with her during visits.