MIL dying, husband angry at me for not being closer to her

[alicedbr]

MIL has a terminal illness and it's looking like she won't be with us for much longer. Understandably DH is beside himself, he is very close to his mum and an only child.

I've never got on with my MIL as I feel like she's always given unsolicited advice, tried to get over involved in my parenting and in our relationship with DH (examples: got very offended that I didn't want to have a C section as she advised, said things like "mummy isn't being very nice" to my DS when I was attempting to put him down for a nap that he was resisting, given cake to DD "because it's what grannies do" when I specifically asked her not to). Because of that I limited the time I spent around her, although I never stopped DH spending time with her and encouraged him to visit solo, but DCs are very clingy to me so never went without me to see MIL.

Now that she's ill my husband keeps getting VERY angry at me that I didn't just tolerate her treatment of me, always saying "she didn't mean it like that", "she just wanted to be a hands on granny", annoyed at me that DC are much closer to my parents than MIL because we saw them more often, blames me for 'time wasted' that she could have spent more time with our DC. In my view I have never been rude to her or restricted her contact with DH or DC, just protected myself from stress and comments that I didn't like.

Unsure how to deal with this. Is he BU? Is this a natural reaction? How should I be responding? I don't feel like my mental health was or is worth sacrificing just because one day she would die earlier than me, but equally I see why he's upset.

Again, why is this on the OP??

Can I re-arrange your sentence here?

"If your MIL makes it difficult to have a close relationship with your wife and children, it's incredibly difficult".

Why do you think the husband is a bystander with no agency???!

And contrary to some posters who are blaming you, your MIL sounds like a very judgmental and crappy person who thinks other women are there for her son's sexual pleasure (that c-section comment was absolutely vile and misogynistic). Obviously, don't remind your DH of these things now because he simply won't see it until his grief has ebbed, but her complaining about you breastfeeding is just fucked up!

Then you should be raising it with your spouse and understand why they don’t like your parents. If it’s justified tackle the behaviour, if it’s not, take them to task about it. Doesn’t sound like the OP’s DH had any objection to her taking the kids with her away from him and his mother, but is only now is raising it due to his own feelings of guilt and grief.

No, but I don’t know of any situation where a man is simply expected to grin and bear it repeated abuse from his in laws and would be criticised for removing himself from that situation. It just doesn’t happen.

She didn't go out of her way to make it difficult to have a close relationship.

OP was breastfeeding these kids, they were clingy to her, they didn't want to be without her. She clearly tried because there was lots of different incidents mentioned, including times she did leave the kids with the two of them and the MIL tried to give the baby formula.

Most mums I know would be over the bloody moon if the dad could bring the kids to the MILS on a regular basis so that they could get a break. That would be the absolute dream 😂They certainly wouldn't be throwing a strop 😂

The kids are 4 and 2 for gods sake, So OP was pregnant, then had a baby, then a toddler AND a baby, yet she's supposed to facilitate visits time and time again. She clearly tried plenty of times and had enough.

All she had to do was say "ok DH, take them to see mil".

I'm as anti-mil as they come, but come on.

At least own it and say, " I didn't want them to see her because she's toxic".

These excuses about not facilitating and stuff do not wash.

By claiming that the children were clingy, that was 100% an excuse.

How do you know she tries to underplay it?
It's the OPs life, not yours, I think she knows better than you 😂

Yes, when your MIL lives abroad and you see her only occasionally, you suck it up — because she's your husband's mother and you married him. I wouldn't necessarily say the same if MIL lived up the road.

Intelligent people pick their battles. They might prefer their MIL not to give the children cake, but they also understand that that's what gives some grandmothers pleasure and they're flexible enough to go with the flow. In this case MIL is from a different culture where children are raised differently. Difference doesn't mean 'right' and 'wrong'.

'My way or no way' doesn't get you far in life. Learning to decide what's important and what's not is a sign of maturity. OP strikes me as insecure and therefore controlling. A woman who's secure and confident in her parenting choices can just shrug off the well-meaning but inappropriate suggestions of others instead of using them as a reason to alienate her MIL.

I managed more than 20 years with a MIL who would have tested the patience of a saint. But she'd raised my partner to be a good person and they loved each other. I respected her for that at the very least. Remember Michelle Obama? When they go low, we go high. Going high doesn't mean giving in and being walked over, it means being the bigger person.

Why did OP have to say that? 🤔
Her husband could have said "Look I'm going to take them to my mothers, if they cry I'll deal with it".

Why was it up to the OP to arrange when her husband took the kids to visit his mother? 🤔

Then you should be raising it with your spouse and understand why they don’t like your parents. If it’s justified tackle the behaviour, if it’s not, take them to task about it. Doesn’t sound like the OP’s DH had any objection to her taking the kids with her away from him and his mother, but is only now is raising it due to his own feelings of guilt and grief.

But in reality how many people actually take kindly to being told their mum is a horrible bitch and their spouse won’t tolerate them? Most people do have love for their parents even if they can realise they have toxic traits, and many just won’t be able to see it. I sense the real issue here is that op has tried to obstruct dh from taking the kids to see mil. If she were really honest with herself she would probably see that.

Children are clingy at 2 and 4 with their primary caregiver. That’s nature (read about attachment theory!). It’s not an excuse (because the OP doesn’t need to make excuses, she is not to blame!) but a statement of fact. I would not have pushed away and upset my child by leaving him just so my toxic mil could get a look in. So what? What does the OP need to “own”? She doesn’t like her MIL, doesn’t want her to spend time with her and as a result, the kids don’t either. Not the OP’s issue.

Your husband and your mother in law both sound hideous. I think he's demonstrating that he will never forgive you for not accepting all his mother's insults, so is planning on taking over and insulting you himself. He is speaking to you with contempt. That's a hard one to come back from.

I don’t know of any situation where a man is simply expected to grin and bear it repeated abuse from his in laws and would be criticised for removing himself from that situation. It just doesn’t happen.

It does happen. It’s happening right now to my stepson. His mil is an absolute living nightmare and he just rolls over continually. It’s a horrible thing to watch.

Being the bigger person does not mean tolerating abuse. Whether that is from your husband, friend, boss or your mother in law.

Nobody in my family would be speaking to my husband the way OP's MIL has spoken to her and not be getting called out for it there and then. OP's husband seems like an utter wet wipe who can't say No to his mother when she's bullying his wife and now thinks as she's pissing off it's time for him to resume the gap she's left in bullying OP. My ex was similar, growing up with one of these overbearing 'boy Mum' types means they find it difficult to set boundaries with their Mums and then expect their wives/gfs to also tolerate any level of bullshit because it's what they've had to do. I'm sure some of them are resentful of strong women like OP who politely distance themselves, if not call it out directly, for having more balls than they themselves have

It's not okay for your mother in law to treat you like that, she sounds really unreasonable and judgemental. Your husband sounds sensitive about her and potentially unable to face the reality of how she's treated you. How was he when she wasn't dying did he stick up for you?
I'd sit down and have a chat with him, be supportive about the difficult time he's having first and let him talk about it. Talk about what you can do now to support MIL spending time with the grandchildren. Be firm but kind - it's not helpful for him to regret or bring up the past all the time, that mil was not fair with you and you wouldn't do things differently so there's no point going over it. That you are putting your feelings aside to support him through this difficult time.
Longer term - if this continues then a harder conversation may be needed, mentioning the specific examples.
Frankly she sounds horrible!

For the love of god how has she “obstructed” her husband from taking the kids??? Did she blockade the doorway? Slash the tyres on his car? What? She did nothing!!! He was a grown adult capable of relocating from Spain to the UK and adapting to life in this country and yet could not arrange to take his children to visit his mother (who lives in the UK) for an afternoon. Unbelievable.

Odd comment….Erm, because she’s trying to find excuses why she didn’t leave them there?

Being the bigger person does not mean tolerating abuse.
What the OP has documented isn't abuse. Coming from a culture that does things differently and saying what you think isn't abuse. Being from a different generation (and having successfully raised your own child) and having ideas that come from that generation and expressing them isn't abuse. No agreeing with someone and suggesting an alternative isn't abuse. Alienating children from grandparents and calling your husband's mother a bitch, on the other hand...

Duh - she was with her children when she saw her parents???

Did you think the two littlies were trotting off on their own??

🙄😄

Only this is not what has happened.

Come back to me when you have had your MIL shout at you for not having a c/section and then maybe I will have some respect for what you have to say!

and now thinks as she's pissing off delightful….

Literally every mother in law does this. You sound easily offended. Those comments are standard Unsolicited MIL advice coming from a good place. I don’t blame your husband.

It is absolutely abuse. Criticising, demeaning and bullying the OP - telling her to get a c-section, saying she had traumatised her husband by having a vagina birth, berating her for breastfeeding her children and trying to get them formula to undermine her. Absolutely abuse. You are an apologist for abuse.

Just remembered quite a funny detail

OP, the woman is dying and you seem to think it’s all a bit of a joke.

This thread is in very poor taste. At least wait until she’s dead before you take the piss out of her.