MIL dying, husband angry at me for not being closer to her

[alicedbr]

MIL has a terminal illness and it's looking like she won't be with us for much longer. Understandably DH is beside himself, he is very close to his mum and an only child.

I've never got on with my MIL as I feel like she's always given unsolicited advice, tried to get over involved in my parenting and in our relationship with DH (examples: got very offended that I didn't want to have a C section as she advised, said things like "mummy isn't being very nice" to my DS when I was attempting to put him down for a nap that he was resisting, given cake to DD "because it's what grannies do" when I specifically asked her not to). Because of that I limited the time I spent around her, although I never stopped DH spending time with her and encouraged him to visit solo, but DCs are very clingy to me so never went without me to see MIL.

Now that she's ill my husband keeps getting VERY angry at me that I didn't just tolerate her treatment of me, always saying "she didn't mean it like that", "she just wanted to be a hands on granny", annoyed at me that DC are much closer to my parents than MIL because we saw them more often, blames me for 'time wasted' that she could have spent more time with our DC. In my view I have never been rude to her or restricted her contact with DH or DC, just protected myself from stress and comments that I didn't like.

Unsure how to deal with this. Is he BU? Is this a natural reaction? How should I be responding? I don't feel like my mental health was or is worth sacrificing just because one day she would die earlier than me, but equally I see why he's upset.

Oh no, you don't get away with that one!!!

Let me rephrase it for you.

"All DH had to do was say, "ok DW, I am taking the children off to see MIL'".

There. Fixed it for you.

Two very young children. Both breastfed for 2 years. SAHM. Need one say more???!

There are some very strange attitudes on this thread!

Literally every mother in law does this

They most certainly do not. Most women don't turn into dicks because their son gets married, only the ones who were dicks to begin with anyway.

My mother in law is a nasty piece of work, she put my pregnancy in jeopardy (can’t say how as would be very outing) but also had constant nasty comments from her.

She is a classic ‘boy mum’, and my partner didn’t stand up to her for years till the penny dropped and he realised she was a bitch , and well, we have pretty much nothing to do with her (or the rest of his horrid family) anymore.

Clearly op’s post has touched a nerve of MN boy mums, and they have a vested interest in making sure dils put up with toxic crap. No sorry, can’t respect the mother of the GC why should the dil facilitate a relationship when they are being treated like crap?! It’s on the DH and the MIL not the DIL.

Literally every mother in law does this

No they don't. My MIL didn't do this to me and my mother didn't do it to her sons' wives.

Have you read the ops posts? She says she tried to leave the dc once but it wasn’t satisfactory. Clearly she wasn’t happy letting them go again so if she won’t go and won’t let the dc go then the default position is that mil won’t see dc. You can choose not to see mil or not to allow dc to go without you but the risk is that your spouse will resent you for it. Obviously it’s heightened at the moment for op as dh is grieving. You weigh up the risks.

I read the Ops first message- offering kids cake and giving birth advice were the two examples given for no relationship. Hardly crimes against humanity. So sad not to have a relationship between kids and grandmother if that’s the scale of it.

This is exactly what happened with my ex and his 'boy Mum' type...I was bullied by his horrible family for years, I was much younger then and kept quiet (wouldn't these days). He noticed one day that his MIL was making nasty comments about my weight gain - she was usually sneakier and did it when he was off in the loo etc - and called his family out on it. They all then turned on him, and he cut them all off of his own accord. I think some boy Mums just never get over no longer being 'top female' in their sons' lives tbh.

Often when people are dying suddenly they are put on a pedestal and some loved ones act like they are perfect . I don’t think it’s fair at all that he’s taking it out on you . Why should you have put up with that level of toxicity?? Those sort of comments about breastfeeding etc are horrible especially when you’re a new mum and just trying to do your best . X

Only the MIL doesn't live abroad.

And that's just for starters, re all that's wrong with your post!

"Birth advice"???

AKA yelling at her for not having a c/s???

Are you for real???!

Rule of misogyny #1: Women are responsible for what men do, or in this case, failed to do.

It's not OP's fault that the kids are clingy to her. Perhaps ask why they aren't comfortable around their dad when she's not there?

You protected yourself from nasty comments. That doesn’t make you a bad person but a proactive one. Just change topic when he starts saying those things. It’s the grief talking. If she had wanted to be a hands on granny she should not have isolated you with her nasty comments.

I agree with this.

Just because someone is now dying doesn’t change the fact that they have been a bitch for all these years. Maybe OP would have made more effort if she had been psychic and realised MIL wouldn’t be around that long but that was unforeseeable. No way would I have peeled my tiny children off me to force them into spending time with toxic MIL.

OP could try to facilitate a relationship now but would risk the kids becoming close to MIL and then being upset when she dies (TBF, they would probably get over it quite quickly at that age so maybe a risk worth taking). I wouldn’t accept any blame from DH and, if he persists, maybe he should leave and spend some time alone with MIL.

Wise up.

Anger is easier to cope with than sadness. Being angry at you is a way for him to feel less of the pain. He can express an emotion and he feels more in control of it than if he just collapses in grief. He probably feels more in control blaming someone for his pain rather than allowing himself to see the cruel chaos that life and death can sometimes be.
It's not fair on you altho it's obviously understandable and part of grief.
I think I'd just respond by saying 'I understand you are grieving and how hard this is for you but I'm not going to tolerate you trying to blame me or turn your grief into anger towards me' and then I'd walk away from the conversation. Very important not to get into an argument or become angry yourself.. it's must be hurtful to hear these things from him and a natural reaction is anger.. but it will just make it worse because he wants to fight so he can express his pain and feel like it's justified. So just try and engage as little as possible with it. Ignore it where possible. But do not apologise or try and defend yourself with detail.. just try and respond as little as possible when he's saying those things.

The 'birth advice' was to have a C-section.
When she found out I had a vaginal birth with my first she shouted "can you imagine what you just put DH through? Just have a C section and it'll be less traumatic for him and you"

She also criticised her for still breastfeeding at 6 months and tried to give the baby formula when OP was exclusively breastfeeding.

Told her at 32 weeks pregnant that she'd done a terrible thing having the 2 babies so close together

Told her she'd lose weight when she stopped breastfeeding

She'd visit for the weekend. I'm there Friday night when she arrives. She'll roll her eyes when I say I'll go put my child to sleep / breastfeed. When I come out she'll make some sort of remark like "you know you'll lose weight when you stop breastfeeding?" In the morning she might make a comment that my baby wakes up at night because I don't give either child enough attention during the day because I had them too close together and now they aren't feeling loved. Would say something about that we can't all be naturals at being a mother. Might ask my husband in front of me about how he feels about the fact I don't work / am a SAHM.

I’m a boy mum 👋. Too young to be a MIL but already have a plan for if/when I am (which will involve welcoming DIL into the family with open arms and being kind and helpful with zero snarky comments).

Or protecting yourself from bullshit. I don’t see the OP has been nasty at all. She has distanced herself from an overbearing MIL and her DH should have had a conversation with his mother long ago. It’s pathetic to put this on the OP.

Or, call him out on it - but gently. Point out he had ample opportunity to take the kids to see his DM. Tell him yiu recognise he is feeling guilt, but there is no point blaming you. Tell him grief has stages and you know its hard but he isn't going to make you feel bad for things he was in control of.

Please don't do this, OR tell him to 'piss off', or 'grow up' or 'get a grip' in fact I'd refrain from 'telling' him anything, besides the fact that explaining grief to someone who is grieving is incredibly condescending, arguing the toss is just not helpful, and may cause lasting damage to your relationship that can't be fixed. You need to support him as best as you can while his mum dies, that's all that matters for the time being, stop trying to be 'right' and just try to be present.

He is being unreasonable to solely blame you for this situation, but tbh I think you're very unreasonable for putting barriers in the way of her having a relationship with the children when the problem was solely between you two, so he's not wrong, MIL was out of order saying some of the things that she did, but some of it just seems silly stuff that you're determined to be offended over because it's her, but you should really have taken it up with her at the time, not let it fester, then take the children away as punishment.

The fact is DH could have tried harder to sort it out, but he probably thought he had a lifetime to do it and would have more say when the kids were older, and now he hasn't, it's not surprising he feels cheated and is looking to blame someone, in the absence of hope, he's looking for something to fight against, don't let this be your hill to die on.

And you can guarantee that had OP had a quiet word with her husband and asked him to nicely nip the bullshit in the bud - the same few posters would be saying she was wrong. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Life is WAY too short to tolerate such nastiness just because someone is 'family' - that fact makes their nasty treatment of you worse, not more tolerable.

My DSis's MIL lived a day's journey away so only saw her DGD 3-4 times a year (which was quite a lot IMO considering the distance). I also live far from DSis so when I visited my DNs they took a bit warming up to me when they were little, just like they did with DSis MIL. I never took it personally but her MIL sure did and always whined about it. It's like she forgot how little children are. Under 4s especially.

Once when we were both visiting at Christmas, my DSis left the room but DN (probably like 18 mo) didn't realize right away. DN fell and started crying and then she ran straight to me and threw herself in my arms crying "mama." MIL was SO ANGRY cause DN had run right past her to me, the long-distant aunt. I look and sound like my sister and I tried to explain that DN just assumed I was her mother. But the MIL was "so hurt by this betrayal."

Some MILs are very unreasonable in their expectations for attachment.

Whether your MIL was UR or not isn't the issue. Tbh you have taken umbrage at lots of matters you could have let slide and then lumped them in together with important issues - it makes it seem as though there is nothing your MIL could have done to have a relationship with you or her DGCs eg a granny giving DC cake isn't the same as trying to give formula to an ebf baby. You've been inflexible and controlling for four years - and you haven't moved on.
But the issue is that your DH is losing his DM. This isn't about you and your hurt pride. It's not about you and justifying an argument you had four years ago. It's about supporting your DH during the loss of his parent. If you can't help but turn that into a matter where you need to 'win' then you really need to look at your relationship. In fact your prickliness points to you feeling guilty that you denied MIL a relationship with your DC.
You made your choices and those decisions had consequences including MIL and your DC not having a close relationship and your DH currently feeling unhappy, regretful and unsupported. You can't repair that and support him properly until you acknowledge to yourself and him that you deliberately impacted on the relationship between your DC and your MIL. (because it is nonsense that you couldn't at any point have left your DC at home with your DH and MIL if you couldn't bear to be be in the same house as her)

Come back to me when you have had your MIL shout at you for not having a c/section and then maybe I will have some respect for what you have to say!

I'd just laugh, because it's ridiculous. She's ridiculous. But that's all she is, ridiculous. Sometimes when my MIL said ridiculous things my partner and I would both roll our eyes out of her sight: big sigh and on we'd go. Life is full of ridiculous people saying stupid things. If you're going to take offence all the time you'll spend your life in a state of permanent furious indignation. Be the bigger, more confident, more adult person and let the craziness roll off you.

@FrostytheSnowBitch

If she doesn't want them around her kids, own it and stop with the BS excuses. She needs to own it because guess what? She's in a marriage. Someone very rightly pointed out her husband will feel 10x worse once the MIL actually dies.

If she thinks she's on the right, then she should just say that's she doesn't want them with MIL. You don't need to make up silly excuses.

I can see why she wouldn't want to be around MIL but it comes across somewhat spiteful to use that as excuse and not just outright say why (to which the wet lettuce husband can then address with MIL)

OP you are simply not going to win this one! It always amazes me that people who have been really unpleasant during their life time, suddenly become saints when they are dying or have died. I went through this with my EX husband, his mother had done her absolute best to split us up the whole time we'd been together, and had failed miserably, because he could see what she was like and that her behaviour was totally unreasonable toward me. However, the minute she died she became a saint, and any comment I made which even slightly reminded him of her failings, led to a row. She ended up achieving in death, what she totally failed to do during life, which was to make us continuously fall out with each other, because he couldn't face the fact that at times she had been an absolute bitch to me, and had even assaulted me when I was only 15 years old! I'm afraid unless you simply bite your tongue and say nothing about her for the next couple of years, your 'D' MIL is likely to achieve the same thing, as while he is naturally hurting and sad and all of the other emotions that come with losing a parent, he is clearly unreasonable, and doesn't sound like that's going to change any time soon. I'm SO sorry you're going through this, but please do try and get to grips with the fact that if you've never lost a parent, it's incredibly hard to understand what he's going through, so better to keep schtum than speak of her by the sound of it.