MIL dying, husband angry at me for not being closer to her

[alicedbr]

MIL has a terminal illness and it's looking like she won't be with us for much longer. Understandably DH is beside himself, he is very close to his mum and an only child.

I've never got on with my MIL as I feel like she's always given unsolicited advice, tried to get over involved in my parenting and in our relationship with DH (examples: got very offended that I didn't want to have a C section as she advised, said things like "mummy isn't being very nice" to my DS when I was attempting to put him down for a nap that he was resisting, given cake to DD "because it's what grannies do" when I specifically asked her not to). Because of that I limited the time I spent around her, although I never stopped DH spending time with her and encouraged him to visit solo, but DCs are very clingy to me so never went without me to see MIL.

Now that she's ill my husband keeps getting VERY angry at me that I didn't just tolerate her treatment of me, always saying "she didn't mean it like that", "she just wanted to be a hands on granny", annoyed at me that DC are much closer to my parents than MIL because we saw them more often, blames me for 'time wasted' that she could have spent more time with our DC. In my view I have never been rude to her or restricted her contact with DH or DC, just protected myself from stress and comments that I didn't like.

Unsure how to deal with this. Is he BU? Is this a natural reaction? How should I be responding? I don't feel like my mental health was or is worth sacrificing just because one day she would die earlier than me, but equally I see why he's upset.

Funny how quick people are to say you should have been more tolerant, when MIL is dying. But she wasn’t dying when you chose to maintain strong boundaries, so that your children didn’t grow up seeing their grandmother belittle and undermine their mother. It wasn’t going to be 4 years of putting up and shutting up, it could have been 40 years.

Your DH is grieving an experience he wanted to be different. His mother isn’t capable of change, so he’s angry at you for not giving him that. Which is sad, but unreasonable.

I would swallow hard and repeat “I’m sorry you’re hurting” or whatever you feel capable of.

OP he married someone who does not get on with his mum. He still chose to marry you. His decision. This is a consequence.

She also clearly said I've tried to leave both of them with my husband and her. The whole time they were asking when mummy will be back, or when they were smaller, just being very unsettled until I came back. One of the times my MIL also encouraged DH to give my DD formula because she didn't like that I was ebf (not during her feeding time, just as an 'extra' that DD didn't want or need) - I only found out when I discovered MIL brought over formula bottles that were thankfully unused.

Not only did the husband fail to support his wife, he also failed to ensure that his children had a relationship with HIS mother.

Exactly. He took the lazy/easy way out and now the remorse he feels for his lack of effort is directed at OP.

I don't think you can de-escalate the argument as you clearly disagree and are unrepentant. If your dc are 2 and 4 maybe in time they could have formed a relationship with their grandma.

It does sound like she's been a bitch but not too unusual for a MIL. I recognise a lot of these kind of comments from my own and my friends relationships with their MIL. Where your situation is unusual is that rather than do what a lot of people do such as gloss over it and keep the peace, bite back resentment and continue to see the ILs you have stood up to her (OK) and kept the dc away from her (not OK).

What I don't understand is why your dh and MIL didn't push back more. They could have insisted she got to spend more time with the DC. Unless you out and out refused to let them spend time with her then you share blame here with your dh.

Best let him rage. You don't need to agree and you don't need to argue.

Can you try to say that you love him, you're there for him, you recognise why he's upset.

I think youve already offered but it would be as well to do what you can right now whilst she's still alive to let her spend time with your DC. When he says it's no good and it's too late say that at least you can have some pictures of her with the dc. Appeal to him to say at least the DC will have photos to look back on, know who she was and that she loved them.

The only people who say the OP was unreasonable seem to be those who either lack a backbone and seem to think that women (because it is never men), should shut up and put up with being criticised, belittled and disrespected constantly because it’s more important to centre the feelings of others, particularly men or the mil, or those who are afraid that future DILs will end up doing the same to them (which is revealing with regards to their behaviour).

Grandparents have no legal rights, none. If they want a relationship with any grandchildren then they had better make damn sure they are polite and respectful to the mother and father of those children. It’s not up to the OP or any woman in the OP’s situation to ensure they have contact and in her position I would have done exactly the same.

Having in laws from another Mediterranean country and also a patriarchal one at that, I think there is some sexism coming into play here from the MIL and OP’s DH. There is a tendency in these countries to always find a way to blame the woman, don’t fall for it OP. The blame belongs with your husband. It was his mother and his responsibility to take her to task over her behaviour and to facilitate the relationship. He didn’t do that. It’s not your fault. The alternative to removing yourself and your children from the situation would have been screaming blazing rows (been there), which are unhealthy and frightening for the children to witness. You did the right thing. Don’t doubt it.

Just tell him "recollections may vary" and yours are different to his.

Totally agree. My late MIL used to say some daft things to the extent that sometimes I had to go out for a walk during visits. The reasons I stuck with it were that MIL had a very difficult childhood and she was a lovely granny. I'm tempted to say to OP 'Grow up!'

I think there are 2 ways to handle this:

Suck it up and put it down to the grief stage of anger a d his guilt. Go with it, remind yourself why he is being like this and don't rise to it.

Or, call him out on it - but gently. Point out he had ample opportunity to take the kids to see his DM. Tell him yiu recognise he is feeling guilt, but there is no point blaming you. Tell him grief has stages and you know its hard but he isn't going to make you feel bad for things he was in control of.

This OP.

I think it sounds like he's just coping with this awful news about his mother. It's understandable that he's emotional. It's just hitting him that his mother won't be around much longer and won't have much of a relationship with his children. He has regrets and he's in pain.

You don't have to get on with people but I'm not surprised he's feeling upset. I don't think he can really push you into visiting if you don't get on with her but maybe you can both try and gently persuade the children to visit her and make some memories while they still can.

"She wasn't facilitated..." - just who should have been doing the "facilitating"???

Why are you putting this on the OP? She's not the blood relative here!!

It is NOT "typical grandmother stuff", nor should it be!

Delightful.

You do realise, that,

(a) they are only 4 and 2 even now;
(b) if their dad had wanted to take them, there was nothing stopping him.

Exactly.
Mothers shouldn't have to facilitate their MIL making them feel shit and making ridiculous offensive comments all the time.

The kids are 4 and 2 for gods sake, So OP was pregnant, then had a baby, then a toddler AND a baby, yet she's supposed to facilitate visits time and time again. She clearly tried plenty of times and had enough.

Mothers of babies and toddlers should be allowed to do whatever the hell they need to do to protect their mental health. Well all women should, but the fact that the OP is getting slated when her little ones are still so young and she clearly has tried is disgraceful.

Just how much was she expected to take I wonder?

Yup, so much sexiest weird emphasis on the OP to facilitate contact with the toxic MiL. “She wasn’t facilitated”. What weasel words. You mean her son did not facilitate contact, with good reason. Maybe he saw what his mother really was and didn’t want his kids exposed to that.

That is not restricting access to see grandmother. Forbidding to travel to see her or forcing them to go out when she visited would be.

Removing yourself from a situation that is borderline abuse -not silliness isnt wrong.

Sounds like you have not been very nice to her. Your children couldnt be apart from you, you manage to see your own parents all the time

Sounds like you have not been very nice to her. Your children couldnt be apart from you, you manage to see your own parents all the time

MIL could have tried being nice to the OP like her own parents are if she'd wanted to see more of her small grandchildren.

Isn’t it and really telling about the ingrained misogyny of the poster. How dare women stand up for themselves and refuse to take abuse! Stroppy entitled madams!

These are the same people that will asked an abused and trapped woman why she doesn’t “just leave” or will ask her why she had kids with her abusive partner.

Nope.
It sounds like the MIL wasn't very nice to her.

Oh come on. If your spouse makes it difficult to have a close relationship with their family it’s incredibly difficult. The reality of the situation is that most women/men would throw a strop if on weekends their spouse said they were off to spend the day with mil and the kids without them on any kind of regular basis.

And lots of men can’t stand there in laws. IME they’re actually far less likely to rock the boat. It’s not fair to say it’s only women who are expected to put up with overbearing and annoying in-laws.

This

And that is NOBODY'S fault but HIS!!

He's not a passenger here!!

But I don’t think people are criticising OP for her lack of relationship with her MIL? I’m sure her mil felt awkward in OPs company too. They didn’t get on. I suspect her MIL though wanted a relationship with her GCs, which sounds like it was restricted by OP. Op tries to underplay it by saying on the rare occasions left there, they would ask where she was and be unsettled. Of course they would - it was new and not often, so they needed to get used to spending time there.