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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL dying, husband angry at me for not being closer to her

644 replies

alicedbr · 28/11/2023 13:02

MIL has a terminal illness and it's looking like she won't be with us for much longer. Understandably DH is beside himself, he is very close to his mum and an only child.

I've never got on with my MIL as I feel like she's always given unsolicited advice, tried to get over involved in my parenting and in our relationship with DH (examples: got very offended that I didn't want to have a C section as she advised, said things like "mummy isn't being very nice" to my DS when I was attempting to put him down for a nap that he was resisting, given cake to DD "because it's what grannies do" when I specifically asked her not to). Because of that I limited the time I spent around her, although I never stopped DH spending time with her and encouraged him to visit solo, but DCs are very clingy to me so never went without me to see MIL.

Now that she's ill my husband keeps getting VERY angry at me that I didn't just tolerate her treatment of me, always saying "she didn't mean it like that", "she just wanted to be a hands on granny", annoyed at me that DC are much closer to my parents than MIL because we saw them more often, blames me for 'time wasted' that she could have spent more time with our DC. In my view I have never been rude to her or restricted her contact with DH or DC, just protected myself from stress and comments that I didn't like.

Unsure how to deal with this. Is he BU? Is this a natural reaction? How should I be responding? I don't feel like my mental health was or is worth sacrificing just because one day she would die earlier than me, but equally I see why he's upset.

OP posts:
FoxClocks · 28/11/2023 20:10

It's very sad that the MiL is dying but that doesn't mean her behaviour to OP was ok. Maybe she was happy to drive OP away and have her son to herself? He thinks she wanted to be an involved Granny, but maybe she really wanted to spend time with him and didn't mind that much about the grandchildren. Otherwise wouldn't she have modified her behaviour a bit when it became clear OP would just go out if she was rude?

eujk · 28/11/2023 20:19

DreamTheMoors · 28/11/2023 20:07

The part where you say your children are closer to your parents than his mum stands out to me, @alicedbr

My dad’s mum used to get me alone and try to shame me - first over my security blanket when I was 3, telling me only babies had those. Then at 8, she tried shaming me over my one-piece little girls swimsuit.
She was not a kind woman in general.
Eventually, I just stayed away from her and made sure to never allow myself to be alone with her.
I became very close with my maternal grandparents though, and they were loving and kind.
Children are naturally going to drift towards the more loving people - I don’t think people give children enough credit for their instincts.

I think the children haven't had the chance to dislike their DG in this case.

Icopewhenihope · 28/11/2023 20:22

CharlieBoo · 28/11/2023 19:30

Being honest I’ve not always had a great relationship with my in-laws. I did however work on the relationship with them because it was important for my children to spend time with them, to know them, to love them. It sounds like you’ve shut her off and this has prevented this because your kids are ‘clingy’ to you.

Im not surprised your husband is hurt. Loosing someone can open your eyes to what’s been going on, you start to see things differently or even more clearly. He may see this as an orchestrated move on your part and struggle to understand why you couldn’t have been more tolerant, especially for the children.

This.

caringcarer · 28/11/2023 20:24

He's angry because his Mum is dying and there's nothing he can do to prevent it happening and he's displacing his anger on to you. Hopefully he will see he is being unreasonable and apologise soon.

arkmatter · 28/11/2023 20:28

Do not respond to your husband's angry remarks, be kind to him and use short sentences and agree if necessary but distant. Your MIL sounds an awkward customer who wanted her own way and made you not want to engage with her. People with personalities that are difficult, and manipulative, and cross boundaries, unfortunately when they are ill or misfortune strikes they guilt trip others. Just get through it and do what DH wants without becoming embroiled.

Ohforfox · 28/11/2023 20:29

The examples you've given aren't awful. I think she's been rude but you refusing to spend any time with her seems like a massive overreaction & now that she is dying your husband realises the children won't get to make any memories with her. It's hard when you don't get along with your in-laws but you've allowed it to affect your children. I think you just apologise that the relationship wasn't better & help your husband through the times ahead.

Noimnotstillonmumsne · 28/11/2023 20:29

Forgotmycoat · 28/11/2023 13:34

I would not entertain this nonsense, I would tell him to sod off. I know this ks harsh, but sometimes the only way to make people snap out of shitty behaviour is to let them know in no uncertain terms that you will not accept their twatty behaviour. You can't keep indulging his outburst whether dirven by grief or not. it's always men, i don't know of any women who turn nasty when grief hits.

He has to deal with his grief but he cannot keep being horrible to the mother of his children. Get him told.

Show quote history

This.

Grief or not he shouldn’t be using you as his punching bag like a pp said.

Also the situation isn’t even your fault. It’s horrible that she’s ill but she could have been nicer to you if she wanted a good relationship with you and her gks. And your DH could have stepped in at any point to put her right and improve the relationship. He doesn’t get to keep lashing out at you because he’s upset.

GameOverBoys · 28/11/2023 20:31

In theory I think that family should put up with a lot, non of us are perfect and the point of family is they accept you whatever. However, in reality it would have driven me mad to be talked to like that and would have done the same as you or killed her

Pluvia · 28/11/2023 20:32

So I should have just sat there and taken it when my MIL is criticising me for the way I feed my kids? When she told 32 week pregnant me that I've done a terrible thing having my kids so close together? When she made condescending remarks like "hopefully you'll understand when the kids are a bit older" about how I parent them?

Yes. It's what mature adults do when people behave unhelpfully. Going through life with an 'I'm right and you're wrong' attitude isn't a great example to set your children. When someone who you're not going to have to deal with on a daily basis says something you don't agree with, you smile pleasantly and say 'thanks for your advice' and change the subject.

This is your husband's mother: she raised him to be the man you married. Doesn't that buy her quite a lot of slack? You seem to have offered her very little tolerance and patience and now it seems you're doing the same to your husband when he's sad and angry.

I'm not surprised he's angry. He probably thought there would be a time when he and his mum could spend time together and share memories: possibly that he would be able to introduce his children to his family and culture when they were old enough. Now it's too late. Can you understand that?

ZiriForGood · 28/11/2023 20:33

His mum is seriously ill. No matter how much time you have spent together, the children won't have much memories of her.

He is angry, because it is out of his power. He is angry because he didn't take more care of the relationship. He is aiming his anger on you, because it is the easiest.

Maybe, approach it like that - don't apologise for standing for yourself, but offer understanding for his confusion, sadness,...

ChaoticCrumble · 28/11/2023 20:34

This is so oddly different to most MIL threads where people are told to go low contact. If DH had an issue with what OP was doing at the time, he should've tackled it then. He's just lashing out now in the futile hope doing so will change history.

Sighhhhh · 28/11/2023 20:37

”I think me and your mum both could have done things a bit differently. It’s the past now and I’m here for both you and your mum.” Support your husband. Remind yourself and your husband to stop rabbiting on about the past. She’s dying - try and change the narrative a little with the little time you have left. Bloody hell, get a grip.

DrMarshaFieldstone · 28/11/2023 20:37

He is angry with himself for not working harder to facilitate a relationship between the children and his mother. He could have done more, he could have taken them to see her more often, but the excuse that they were clingy to their mother was convenient for him. You’re an easy lightning rod for the anger that he’s now experiencing as part of his grief. Unfortunately he’s in no place right now to be told this.

Princessfluffy · 28/11/2023 20:39

Probably you could all three of you have handled things better.

We are usually doing our best to handle family situations and sometimes our best simply isn't that great.

It is sad for all of you that the relationships didn't work very well and the responsibility for that most likely lies with all of you. It's difficult though. It's ok to have regrets. Maybe you can recognise and own the part that you have played in this situation whilst acknowledging that three people here are all responsible in part.

Iamnotminterested · 28/11/2023 20:44

@Pluvia

No, that's not how it should be.

Whingebob · 28/11/2023 20:45

ChaoticCrumble · 28/11/2023 20:34

This is so oddly different to most MIL threads where people are told to go low contact. If DH had an issue with what OP was doing at the time, he should've tackled it then. He's just lashing out now in the futile hope doing so will change history.

She can go low contact, nobody objects to that. My MIL was similar and I avoided her.

The comments aren't so bad, however, eh at the children should be kept away.

Livelovebehappy · 28/11/2023 20:46

alicedbr · 28/11/2023 13:02

MIL has a terminal illness and it's looking like she won't be with us for much longer. Understandably DH is beside himself, he is very close to his mum and an only child.

I've never got on with my MIL as I feel like she's always given unsolicited advice, tried to get over involved in my parenting and in our relationship with DH (examples: got very offended that I didn't want to have a C section as she advised, said things like "mummy isn't being very nice" to my DS when I was attempting to put him down for a nap that he was resisting, given cake to DD "because it's what grannies do" when I specifically asked her not to). Because of that I limited the time I spent around her, although I never stopped DH spending time with her and encouraged him to visit solo, but DCs are very clingy to me so never went without me to see MIL.

Now that she's ill my husband keeps getting VERY angry at me that I didn't just tolerate her treatment of me, always saying "she didn't mean it like that", "she just wanted to be a hands on granny", annoyed at me that DC are much closer to my parents than MIL because we saw them more often, blames me for 'time wasted' that she could have spent more time with our DC. In my view I have never been rude to her or restricted her contact with DH or DC, just protected myself from stress and comments that I didn't like.

Unsure how to deal with this. Is he BU? Is this a natural reaction? How should I be responding? I don't feel like my mental health was or is worth sacrificing just because one day she would die earlier than me, but equally I see why he's upset.

But you did restrict your dcs time with your MIL. You clearly state that the dcs didn’t go without you as they were ‘clingy’. I’m guessing whilst you didn’t stop your dh going to visit her, your ‘punishment’ for her alleged misdemeanours was to fabricate a reason why they couldn’t go. Why would they not want to go with your dh when he visited? But it’s on your DH tbh,and he allowed it to happen, and now realises its too late to rectify the situation. Be prepared that when your mil passes, this resentment he has now will increase tenfold…

Maray1967 · 28/11/2023 20:48

Lndnmummy · 28/11/2023 19:32

You seem very much lacking in empathy to me. Even though she is now at deaths door, its all about you. The more you right and the more examples you give I can't help but feel you sound incredibly self centred and entitled. Like some cake and sweets here and there, could you not let that slide? Could you not let her have had that moment? My mother in law does alot of things that I think is a little strange but I leave her be. I leave her to develop her own relationship with my children and yes it includes some biscuits here and there.

Your husband is clearly distraught but he probably also feels let down by you and I can understand that. This time with his mum and the interaction with the grandchildren is not something that he will be able to get back. Your first post says

I don't feel like my mental health was or is worth sacrificing just because one day she would die earlier than me'

Such a cold, callus way to talk about a dying family member. Entitled and self absorbed. Just awful

Err, read the posts properly. This went way beyond just feeding the DC some cake or having a couple of old fashioned views on parenting. The MIL put the OP down at every possible opportunity including shouting at her. I would not tolerate my PiL shouting at me or berating me for how I fed DC

LovePoppy · 28/11/2023 20:48

He’s grieving, but he’s also acting like a jerk.

if you want your marriage to survive, I’d be looking at grief therapy

Delphinium20 · 28/11/2023 20:48

My DH has similar relationship w/ his DM. I think your best move right now is to just play gray rock when he vents, don't argue w/ him, don't agree with him, but instead do all the busy things you can to stay in his orbit so he can see you caring for the children, fixing the meals, etc. which shows him you are not the evil person he is claiming (all the things we wives do anyways ffs). He seem itching for some kind of fight or confrontation and just don't give in to that because he wants an excuse to blame someone and you're an easy target. It doesn't sound like he's an awful man, just a man who isn't handling this well.

His narrative is wrong, but now is not the time to challenge it. Now is the time to just respond w/, "I know how much you love your mom. I know you're grieving. I know this is hard." It acknowledges his pain but doesn't give in to the narrative that you're in the wrong. It will take utmost patience, but hopefully his mindset will change once the rawness of her death is over. It might help to think of something unrelated to your DC where you can compliment her, like, "Oh your DM really made that wonderful cake we all loved." or "Your DM always had such a sense of style." that kind of thing. Just don't engage w/ his irrational emotion, don't feed it.

Boilingover24 · 28/11/2023 20:51

You’ve clearly been obstructive over the years. He’s clearly feeling guilty and angry. Mil has clearly been unreasonable. My mil is an absolute shocker, she’s done and said things that surpass any mil thread I’ve ever read on here and yet I’ve always facilitated a relationship with dc because I’m well aware if you prevent your spouse and children having a relationship with their family they end up resenting you for it. As toxic as they may be she’s his mum, he loves her and is hurting deeply.

FrostytheSnowBitch · 28/11/2023 20:52

Pluvia · 28/11/2023 20:32

So I should have just sat there and taken it when my MIL is criticising me for the way I feed my kids? When she told 32 week pregnant me that I've done a terrible thing having my kids so close together? When she made condescending remarks like "hopefully you'll understand when the kids are a bit older" about how I parent them?

Yes. It's what mature adults do when people behave unhelpfully. Going through life with an 'I'm right and you're wrong' attitude isn't a great example to set your children. When someone who you're not going to have to deal with on a daily basis says something you don't agree with, you smile pleasantly and say 'thanks for your advice' and change the subject.

This is your husband's mother: she raised him to be the man you married. Doesn't that buy her quite a lot of slack? You seem to have offered her very little tolerance and patience and now it seems you're doing the same to your husband when he's sad and angry.

I'm not surprised he's angry. He probably thought there would be a time when he and his mum could spend time together and share memories: possibly that he would be able to introduce his children to his family and culture when they were old enough. Now it's too late. Can you understand that?

I never get this “she raised him to be the man you married” crap. Like the OP’s DH wasn’t always his own person, with his own independent personality. Children are little individuals not extensions of their parents, whereby the parents can claim credit for all their achievements and great character.
Even if it was partially true and it isn’t - then the MIL raised him to be a selfish, weak, cowardly individual who was happy to let his mother abuse and disrespect his wife and the mother of his kids without doing anything. Not a great look.

Mirabai · 28/11/2023 20:55

He always had the option of telling MIL not to disrespect you - he didn’t; he always had the option of taking his kids to see her as much as he wanted - he didn’t. That’s on him.

WannabeMum22 · 28/11/2023 20:56

Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot · 28/11/2023 18:53

Are you really so wet you couldn’t possibly get over your mother in law commenting inappropriately on your chosen method of birthing your kids?

What a drama queen. Surely you would just say ‘sure thanks for the input Susan’ and do your own thing anyway?

Show quote history

To you and all the other people with this attitude in this thread, I really hope you’re ready to face these consequences with your own adult children because I can tell you no one has to put up with this nonsense and luckily increasingly most won’t.

Lookingatthesunset · 28/11/2023 20:56

SwingTheMonkey · 28/11/2023 15:19

She does sound like a horror, but your comments about how your kids couldn’t be away from you, don’t wash. Bf babies can spend some time away from mum - mine did. And saying your other child is clingy, therefore must come with you, is a convenient excuse. If a child is clingy with one parent, you work together to rectify the situation, not just accept it as the way things are. The children should have had access to their grandmother. You and she clearly had a problem with each other which has nothing to do with the children and shouldn’t have affect their relationship.

I absolutely can't agree.

Not only did the husband fail to support his wife, he also failed to ensure that his children had a relationship with HIS mother.

I made the effort for my kids to have a relationship with my parents. Husband made no effort for his parents nor vice versa. I welcomed them into my home on the rare occasion they chose to grace it, and I did not seek in any way to prevent their having a relationship.

Neither side bothered their arse. It wasn't up to me!